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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just need to vent

32 replies

Cashncarry · 31/01/2006 11:55

I've never done this before so apologies if I go on a bit. I just need a space to say how I feel. Bit of background: my P and I have been together 7 yrs and have a 1 1/2 yr old DD. We had a tough time as both our families basically disowned us and did other unspeakable things which means we don't have much contact with them anymore. Just after DD was born, I was checking our mobile phone bill and found that P had been sending some texts late at night. Got a few garbled excuses when I challenged him but then I checked his phone (never done that before!) and found "dirty" texts starting when I was 8 mths pg. We talked it through and he said it never went any further than texting and swore it had stopped month before. It was someone he met thru wk so he didn't feel able to cut them off w/o jeopardising his job. Anyway, nearly a year has passed. This am was looking for a bank card in his jacket (totally innocent honest!) and found another phone didn't know about. Shouldn't have switched it on but I did and found same kind of texts from same person. Chkd dates on some of them from last month! Wasn't going to tell him I found it but was too upset to hide it. He went mad and started ranting and raving about privacy and me "policing" him. Said it was my suggestion that he get another phone (?!) and he was trying to protect me and himself. am just so upset and shaky. I don't know what to think anymore or if I should believe him or not. Even if he is really cheating, have nowhere to go and no one to turn to. Many other problems with him which we're trying to deal with together - he drinks every night until he's blotto and passes out. He spends every morning looking at porn until he goes to work. Doesn't really help with DD. I'm making him out to be a monster I know. On the flip side he's very affectionate and v supportive - I often get down for no apparent reason - and I do have many reasons to admire and respect him as a person. I just don't feel able to carry on as normal at the moment but don't want to rock the boat for my DD's sake. Sorry to go on so long and thanks for listening x

OP posts:

compo · 31/01/2006 11:57

I think you should bin him

mumfor1standfinaltime · 31/01/2006 12:01

Sounds to me like you need to both sit down and have a serious conversation about this - not a slagging match.

Lay your cards on the table.

Original poster

Cashncarry · 31/01/2006 12:02

Why do you think that? Not being facetious - just curious. I often "lurk" at mn and think "wow, that's a bit harsh" at some replies but now it's me talking I'm actually interested in hearing other opinions however harsh!

OP posts:

Original poster

Cashncarry · 31/01/2006 12:04

I did think we would have a sensible conversation about it this am. Wasn't expecting him to blow his top as kind of thought he was in the wrong! He tried to hold my hand before he went to wk (after the hour long ranting session!) but I kind of feel if he doesn't see what he's done wrong then what's the point??

OP posts:

beejay · 31/01/2006 12:05

Oh you poor thing.
Sorry it does definitely sound like he's is cheating on you.
You really need to re-evaluate your relationship and think about leaving. I knwo that will be hard but you can't maintain a relationship with someone who is cheating and lying...
Also sounds like he has an alcohol problem too.
Do you have any friends who can support you during this time?

Original poster

Cashncarry · 31/01/2006 12:06

I kind of have friends who know some of the story but not all and none of them are really in a position to offer any tangible help. The other thing is I've just been offered my dream job which doesn't pay very much at the mo but will in the future when I qualify so I'm kind of in the position when for the first time in our relationship I actually need him financially and not the other way round! God, this is hard...

OP posts:

compo · 31/01/2006 12:06

Sorry, I suppose it does sound a bit harsh!! I would be worried about him having a secret phone - what other secrets might he have. Also the drinking would be of great concern to me and I would suggest ringing Al-Anon. The looking at porn instead of helping with his daughter for me would mean the red card i'm afraid.

Original poster

Cashncarry · 31/01/2006 12:09

He said he only got the phone last month because he wanted to cut "them" off once and for all and he said he was taking my advice (although I don't remember actually saying get another phone so I can't find out!). He says he only looks at porn because he's bored and he can't smoke in the rest of the house so he sits up there and smokes for a few hours in the morning.. blimey, it sounds ridiculous now I'm actually seeing it as words on a page...

OP posts:

Carmenere · 31/01/2006 12:10

He has problems, either drink or sex or emotional but he does have problems and they are not your fault. The second phone is a classic 'affair' thing. There is no other real reason for him to have one. And watching porn first thing in the morning is fairly disgusting imo particularly if there are kids around. And really how much help can he be if he is blotto every night? Not saying he is a bad person but just that he does have problems. How do you see your future? Do you think he is going to shape up? Are you willing to hang around feeling like shit until he sorts his life out or goes off with someone else? It's up to you.

Original poster

Cashncarry · 31/01/2006 12:12

He actually stopped drinking so much this week because I've pleaded so much with him. I said if I was starting a new high-pressure job that meant I might have to leave DD with him in the evenings I had to be sure I could trust him with her. He has stopped before for a few days but then gone back to it when stressed. It's one of things he ranted about this am. He's been through a lot so I tend to make excuses for him but then I've been through a lot as well I guess. I just don't know - am so confused.

OP posts:

compo · 31/01/2006 12:16

I would be worried about leaving your dd with him in the evenings if there is any possibility that he might get really drunk

Shiraz · 31/01/2006 12:17

Poor you babe!

I would be severely concerned about a secret phone! And in all honesty what reason has he given for these texts? As if it were myself, i couldnt see nay reason being acceptable!

I can see where you are coming from as i am in the same boat with not having close friends and family to turn to.

As for the drinkign, it does sound like he has a probelm..the porn i wouldnt really worry about too much..most men do it and i can honestly say i find it rather harmless..if he wants to look fair enough..it's part of human nature. but not too touh.

You say he is supportive and sensitive..doesn't sound supportive enough to me. You really need to get him to talk about this before it ruins you.

Hope you can talk things through. Maybe write him a letter explaining exactly how you feel. I have found this to work in the past.

Much love...

xxx

Carmenere · 31/01/2006 12:17

Ok here is some big sisterly advice - go away somewhere and really have a good hard think about weather you want to spend your life with a person who is a) probably cheating on you b)definitely lying to you c)that you doubt he can look after his own child because he may be drunk. Sorry for being harsh but really why does he think it's ok to treat you like this? Because you enable him to.
I'm not saying that there is no future but you seem to be almost complicit in his bad behaviour, like you think it is ok, or your fault, or that you need him so you can put up with it. I think a good hard think about what you and your child needs is in order. Also a break may shock him into reality.

Original poster

Cashncarry · 31/01/2006 12:21

He just called me on my mobile to see if I was alright and said he didn't want me to be upset!! Is he crazy or just unable to connect with reality?! I think a break would be in order but I just don't know where to go. DD has such a good rship with her Dad and I honestly think he would never get drunk while looking after her - he adores her. I think I do need to give him a short sharp shock but just not sure how to do it. Sorry to keep going on and on - can't believe people really want to talk to me about this! feel like such an idiot...

OP posts:

acnebride · 31/01/2006 12:24

it sounds like both of you are very, very unhappy. something is going to have to change, especially if you are going to need more support (congratulations on the job btw). I don't necessarily think this means ending it but i really don't think the situation as it stands sounds sustainable tbh.

the rant sounds like him trying to protect himself from knowledge of what he has done. not in the least helpful.

Original poster

Cashncarry · 31/01/2006 12:32

Thx acne bride - what does tbh mean?

OP posts:

maturer · 31/01/2006 12:48

He went mad, honey because he's guilty! Attack is the best form of defence and his reaction is classic caught in the act- deflect the bad behaviour onto her- senario.
Sorry he is having an affair- in my books- even if it's not sexual (and I suspect it is) he's giving away a part of himself that belongs to you only.
He's now lost any right to respect of his privacy and he is the one who should be making all the moves to put this right. Yes second phone- classic affair begaviour and huge betrayal of your trust. He wants his cake and eat it with you and your child nice at home and the thrill of the chase in an affair- can't stop because will jeopardise his job! crap!!!!!!!!! won't stop as choses not to.
That being said it's your call- doesn't matter what anyone else in the world thinks if you still want to make a go of it then that's upto you.
I've lived through a cheating partner and we've come out the other end- but it had to be no more secrets, address the problems with professional help- counselling- and no contact whatsoever with HER.

It's the lies and secracy that kill a relationship- so even if there is no sex he's putting the nails in the coffin of your relationship.

You call the shots now- make him understand that- try get away for a few days to make him see you mean business. This guy sounds like an alcoholic and that's a desease which needs professional help- he will not change without it.

You deserve so much better than this- if he's not prepared to make major changes then as hard as it seems you need to move on honey- do you really want to live your life like this?
This is his fault not yours NEVER let him try and turn it on you- adults have choices in life he chose this not you!

Original poster

Cashncarry · 31/01/2006 12:59

I'm going to log off now cos I need to sort myself out before DD wakes up. Don't want her to see me crying my eyes out! Thanks so much for all your messages - I didn't realise there were so many good people out there who care about people they've never met! I'm going to try and sit down with him tonight and talk it through. Maybe I'll log on later and see if anyone has any other advice for me. Thanks again x

OP posts:

acnebride · 31/01/2006 13:24

sorry tbh = to be honest.

Original poster

Cashncarry · 31/01/2006 19:19

He just came home and we tried to talk about it. Went from screaming at me one minute to apologising the next. Still no clearer as to what's going on. He eventually relented when I asked him to honest and admitted that "maybe" he just got a new phone so he could continue sending naughty texts (said while laughing). He said she kept sending him texts on his normal phone and he was worried I'd find it so he got a new one. Now he says he's told her he's leaving the country. He says he never really texted her so I asked him to show me the phone and talk me through what she said in each text and why she said it e.g. where she said "I miss you too". He went absolutely mad and said that now I was cheating on my promise to believe him. I've just left it that I don't want to talk about it anymore cos don't want to argue in front of DD. He says he'll show me the phone every day to show he didn't get any new texts. I asked him to leave the phone with me but he said he didn't trust me with it - the cheek of it! Am I mad to believe him?

OP posts:

ggglimpopo · 31/01/2006 19:30

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Cashncarry · 31/01/2006 19:33

I feel like I can't ask him to go - he has no family and no real friends he can count on. We only have each other. I know I sound like such a sap and honestly I am quite a strong woman but I'm just finding it so hard to draw the line with him. He's calling me now so I have to go

OP posts:

Tortington · 31/01/2006 19:36

dont be his mother. dont look after the phone, this will cause resentment when what you need is honesty and trust. he has to earn that.

at the moment your making yourself look like the baddie.

ask him what he would do in this situation, ask him if he minds if you do the same?

LoveMyGirls · 31/01/2006 19:50

cant believe you believe if he shows you the phone that proves he isnt recieving more texts all that proves is that he's deleted them!!! what a W*ker!! (sorry)
he needs to go - now as for needing him for finacial reasons thats crap - the way he's going he'll be lucky to still have a job if he gets that drunk every night.
dont trust him, i know you only have each other and its a scary big world but you will be better off on your own, who needs someone that lies to them? read your posts back and see what you would tell us to do if it was the other way round, he doesnt deserve you. i cant get over what a scumbag he is.

practical advice.......
ok what hours do you work, how much do you get paid, can you book a day off to go and sort some benefits out? you will more than likely get help with your rent and council tax and you will probably get working famillies tax credits too. you do not need him.
you're not saying he cant be a dad you're just saying he cant be with you for at least two reasons - he drinks and he lies.
dont let him make you feel bad or guilty you have done absolutly nothing wrong.
you have loved him and trusted him, he has abused that and he needs to go.

Original poster

Cashncarry · 31/01/2006 22:01

We just had another talk and he asked me what he had to do to make me believe him. I said that if he deleted all the offending numbers from his ordinary mobile and cut up the sim card right in front of me then I might think that he wasn't lying again. Fully expected him to tell me to shove it. He went and got both phones and did exactly as I asked. What the hell do I do now??

OP posts:

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