Just need to vent

[Cashncarry]

I've never done this before so apologies if I go on a bit. I just need a space to say how I feel. Bit of background: my P and I have been together 7 yrs and have a 1 1/2 yr old DD. We had a tough time as both our families basically disowned us and did other unspeakable things which means we don't have much contact with them anymore. Just after DD was born, I was checking our mobile phone bill and found that P had been sending some texts late at night. Got a few garbled excuses when I challenged him but then I checked his phone (never done that before!) and found "dirty" texts starting when I was 8 mths pg. We talked it through and he said it never went any further than texting and swore it had stopped month before. It was someone he met thru wk so he didn't feel able to cut them off w/o jeopardising his job. Anyway, nearly a year has passed. This am was looking for a bank card in his jacket (totally innocent honest!) and found another phone didn't know about. Shouldn't have switched it on but I did and found same kind of texts from same person. Chkd dates on some of them from last month! Wasn't going to tell him I found it but was too upset to hide it. He went mad and started ranting and raving about privacy and me "policing" him. Said it was my suggestion that he get another phone (?!) and he was trying to protect me and himself. am just so upset and shaky. I don't know what to think anymore or if I should believe him or not. Even if he is really cheating, have nowhere to go and no one to turn to. Many other problems with him which we're trying to deal with together - he drinks every night until he's blotto and passes out. He spends every morning looking at porn until he goes to work. Doesn't really help with DD. I'm making him out to be a monster I know. On the flip side he's very affectionate and v supportive - I often get down for no apparent reason - and I do have many reasons to admire and respect him as a person. I just don't feel able to carry on as normal at the moment but don't want to rock the boat for my DD's sake. Sorry to go on so long and thanks for listening x

Maybe grit your teeth, say 'i'm pleased you did that but i'm still feeling incredibly upset at eveything that's happened, now can we go for counselling?'

are you on mumsnet simultaneously?

Good idea about the counselling acnebride but I don't think he'll go for it. he's rubbish at dealing with his problems although sometimes he does talk to me about how he feels - less so now than earlier in our relationship. I'm not on MN at the same time as talking to him - I just keep running upstairs and checking the thread. I probably sound a bit sad but I'm finding all the advice really helpful. Makes me feel a bit stronger in myself if other people think I can make it on my own!

I don't often get time to come on MN much anymore, but have read your thread and to be honest, I really think you should put you and your DD first now. My ex DH had a second phone and was definitely sign of an affair, in fact, several affairs - all at the same time!! Doesn't do much for your confidence. I think you should ask DP want he wants from you and the future, and then you tell him what you want and expect from him and see what happens. If you don't get the answer you want, bin him. I gave my ex so many chances, he had affairs with two of my best friends and then eventually he turned to the internet and went off to meet different women in hotels behind my back. I think half the time it was thrill of the chase, and it was flattering that he was getting attention from another woman, but enough was enough. You and your DD deserve so much more! You sound a wonderful woman, and a wonderful mum.

Thanks for the kind words expectantmum - hope your new p is treating you better than your old! I've had the chance to do a lot of good thinking today and it's really helped me pull it altogether in my mind. I'm definitely going to take some of the advice given here. I'm a SAHM at the moment so plenty of time on my hands (!) to make some phonecalls and see what help I'm entitled to financially even when I start my new job. That way I'll feel safer if I do decide to call it a day with us. Think I might even ask friend to babysit this wkend so the two of us can go and really spend a couple of hours thrashing it out. Don't know what he'll say or how he'll react to the new stronger me but am definitely planning to kick some relationship butt! Think I might have to get him to deal with the drinking seriously if this is going to work...

TBH my ex did me the biggest favour! I am now remarried to a wonderful man and a beautiful 8 month old DS. My life is wonderful now and to think I could still be with my ex if I hadn't decided enough was enough. Now my life is brill and his is cr*p, so definitely what goes around comes around. You sound such a strong person, onwards and upwards, yes????

he def needs to kick the drink, why dnt you tell him to come back when hes sober and let him sort it out on his own without dragging you and dd into it. i imagine he will not be easy to live with if hes not drinking not thats its easy to live with an alcoholic either though.

If he has a second phone that you didn't know about it says it all really. The reason he has become so defensive is because he's been caught at it, and the reason he won't leave the phone with you is because he then can't delete any texts from her. Well here's what I would do, I would take the sim card out of the phone and put it in the phone you usually use, he'll go off with the other phone which won't be working and won't be able to send any texts, and you will receive all the texts from her to your current phone and can confront him with them when he gets home. you could even be devious enough to text her pretending to be him and see what response you get.

good luck