AIBU To not want to leave?

[Tallestone]

I've been with my partner for a good few years. He's not perfect and has his faults as do i but friends and family are always saying they don't know how i put up with him. I do love him and the good times are good but the bad times are bad.

We don't live together which started off as my choice but now he doesn't want it either. He has a short temper and is always smashing things up! Now if he kicks off one of us can go home. I don't know if i'd ever want to live with him if i was completely honest.

There's been quite a few instances where i've caught him cyber sexing but not for a few years now.

I sometimes feel like i'm wasting my life but it's not all bad all the time in fact the good times outweigh the bad. I suppose i'm just wondering what to do keep plodding on or not?

We have a child together too which complicates things a bit more.

I suppose i'm just after an unbiased view point from someone who doesn't know us.

He's violent and has cheated on you.

Run. Now. Very very fast.

He's always smashing things up.
He kicks off.
You don't want to live with him.
He has cyber sex.
You feel like you're wasting your life.

What exactly are you getting from this relationship, and what message is your child getting?

Wasting all of your time/ life IMO

Get out

There are good times and it's good for our child to have us together. He's not violent to us.

When is he violent? Even for a child to witness it, it's abuse

"He's not violent to us"

Yet.

Why are you making excuses for him?

If he's trying to fix something and it won't work he'll smash it up. Only his own stuff mind never anyone elses.

You say there are good times but don't elaborate on them - or mention that he makes you feel good, is a good father etc. You do, however, spell out a fair few serious flaws (some of which would be dealbreakers in my book) - does that not give you your answer?

I don't know Purple why i am making excuses. Maybe i'm so used to it it doesn't feel like a big deal anymore. He wouldn't be violent to us i know that. He came close once and i told him in no uncertain terms i'd walk if he ever did it again.

Most of the time it is good. We'll do family things together. He is a good father a lot of the time. I can always rely on him if i need something done that i can't manage. We have holidays and meals out etc.

it's good for our child to have us together. But you aren't, are you? You live apart so how different would it be?

But we do family things together that we wouldn't if we were seperated. I agree in the main it wouldn't be that different. I suppose a big part is having Mum and Dad together that's important to me.

Mum and dad together? It's not working is it?

You are modelling what relationships look like to your DC. That is very important. IMO more important than being 'together'. Of course, you could try mediation, have an amicable split and still do some family stuff together. i have a feeling he is not that type though. Speaks volumes.

Mum and dad aren't together if you live separately though.

Has he ever considered going for anger management counselling?

This is one for Relationships, we feel, so that's where we're moving it.

He has been to the Dr's a couple of times and been put on antidepressants both times. They have helped a lot. I don't see a lot of the smashing up because he does it in his own house.

I'm thinking that as long as we don't live together things will be ok but i'm getting to a point where i want a bit more from life.

eh ? You can still co-parent if you call an end to your relationship

what would change, after all ?

no holidays, trips out with him maybe, but no violent outbursts either

you would also be free to meet someone else, wich won't happen while this man you don't even seem to like very much is still hanging around

You're conditioned to accept this as normal. It's not.

Listen to the instincts that tell you not to live with him. Listen to the friends and family who have your best interests at heart. It takes a brave person to speak that negatively about another person's relationship Internet forums excepted

Who pays your rent/mortgage, bills, food, child's clothes, shoes, activities? What exactly is he contributing as partner and father who doesn't live with his child?

i don't know i really don't. I do love him though that's the thing.

He does give me money every month for our child and always buys his shoes. He pays for days out holidays etc. I pay for everything else.

I'm going to log out now before he comes over. Thanks for all your replies so far. I'll log back in when i can to see if there's anymore advice.

Do you rely on him for childcare?

If it isn't being too nosey, what are the relationships around you like - your parents, siblings etc.? Anything like yours?