AIBU To not want to leave?

[Tallestone]

I've been with my partner for a good few years. He's not perfect and has his faults as do i but friends and family are always saying they don't know how i put up with him. I do love him and the good times are good but the bad times are bad.

We don't live together which started off as my choice but now he doesn't want it either. He has a short temper and is always smashing things up! Now if he kicks off one of us can go home. I don't know if i'd ever want to live with him if i was completely honest.

There's been quite a few instances where i've caught him cyber sexing but not for a few years now.

I sometimes feel like i'm wasting my life but it's not all bad all the time in fact the good times outweigh the bad. I suppose i'm just wondering what to do keep plodding on or not?

We have a child together too which complicates things a bit more.

I suppose i'm just after an unbiased view point from someone who doesn't know us.

He's just popped home so i can come back on for a bit.

No i don't rely on him for childcare.

My Parents were divorced and my Mum died when i was a teenager. My Dad is still with the woman he left us for and are happy enough i suppose. My Sisters are married one to a control freak and the other one is having a long term affair.

Do you trust them to have your best interests at heart?

Yes i do Purple they're my family. It's only ever said in a joking way and his friends and family say it too. Mind you i do keep a lot of it to myself and don't say a lot about much of it.

You sound like you are controlled by him! What's all this having to log off cos he was coming round/ sneaking on again cos he had gone??

Does he come into your home when you are at work? Have a key etc?

I don't really think he'd be impressed if he saw a thread slagging him off. That's why i'm logging off quick. He'd have a fit if he saw this.

No he doesn't have a key to my house but as soon as he knocks the door our child lets him in. He had a key to the last house we lived in but i haven't given him one for this one because i like him not being able to just walk in. He won't let me have a key for his house either.

You are co-parenting atm. If you were to split up what would he do? How would it affect your life?

Think about it. You want more from life than this. You want a loving, respectful relationship with someone who makes you feel loved, safe, cared for, who will be a rock to lean on on hard times and who will increase your joy in good times. Someone you can live with permanently, to share the chores with, worry about the rent with, choose curtains with.

You could live with him, but you know there'll be a lot of problems if you do, and you simply don't want to. So, it would be nice if you be free to meet someone who will be all the things your current partner isn't. The only way you have any hope in meeting the person you actually want to share your life with, is if you split from your current partner.

So, split. That's my advice. Unless you're scared that something really bad will happen if you do that. Are you scared that he will do something worse than smashing his own toys?

Someone's taught you that any man is better than no man. THIS IS BULLSHIT. Being single is much, much better for you and any DC you have than being with a man who is inadequate. And a man who throws tantrums and doesn't seem bothered about your feelings is more than inadequate, he's a complete loser. Bin him, see if you can make amicable arrangements for him to see DC, he will still have to pay maintenance anyway - but if he fucks off and won't play nicely, let him go.

He shouldn't be peering over your shoulder if you are on your computer! Not if he had any respect anyway....

I wouldn't mind being single i never have. I enjoy my own company and am very independant so that wouldn't be a problem.

We had a really lovely evening last night after he came back.

He did have a bit of a paddy because his egg broke when he was cooking it earlier on in the evening. He does blow little things like that completely out of proportion but is calmer when it comes to bigger things. He goes mad if water gets spilt which to me is no big deal and seems completely over the top. I spilt water once on the table when we were on holiday and he wouldn't let us have dessert because i'd ruined the evening.

I think i'm going to have a chat with him tonight. I very much doubt he's going to change now but i'm going to lay it all out.

Thanks for listening to my rambles. It is helping me to see a bit clearer.

He can't control his anger. This is not acceptable from an adult. You do not, should not, have to put up with that kind of behaviour. Does it frighten you? Do you get a tense feeling in your stomach when something trivial happens, waiting for him to snap? Punishing an adult for spilling water is very controlling. You are entitled to be treated with respect, not like this.

It does frighten me sometimes but i do stand up to him and tell him he's being stupid. That makes it worse sometimes though so i do have to pick my battles carefully.

That same holiday he broke his hand punching the wall after i told him to hurry up. He's got a habit of faffing around not doing much while everyone else runs around getting stuff ready to go out. We were all ready to go and he was taking ages so i just said hurry up we're all waiting to go and he shouted at me that he'd been getting stuff ready while i was sat on my fat arse and when i said no he hadn't actually we had he punched the wall!

I have found myself doing things like making sure his tea is ready when he comes over or he'll have a go and storm out. That's stupid isn't it?

It's not stupid, but it is a sign that you are afraid of his abuse. And smashing stuff, even if it's his own stuff, is abuse

Oh my, it gets worse!!

He is violent and controlling..... Do you work? Does he? Does he yell at his colleagues if they spill water?

Look, you and DC are in danger. You need to get this fucker out of your lives as far as possible before he escalates to physically attacking one or both of you. At least he doesn't live with you so you can simply refuse ever to let him in your house again, and should he try to force his way in he can be arrested immediately.
What you should do (I'm aware that you probably won't, but it's worth remembering that when you are ready, you can do this) is have a word with Women's AId and the local police DV unit, tell them that your partner is aggressive, you want to end the relationship and are concerned about what he might do. They will advise you and may offer to send someone round to be with you while you tell this man he is dumped. THen collect any belongings of his that are in your house and put them in a bag. Then you tell him he's dumped, give him his belongings and inform him that he will be hearing from you in due course about contact with DC (sort out a contact centre, don't let an unpredictable tantrum-thrower have unsupervised access). Be calm and polite but firm, there;s nothing to negotiate, he's dumped.

Good grief!

All you have in common with this man is a child.

You don't live with him (praise be) so there's absolutely no bar to you ending your relationship with him immediately and living your life free of his unreasonable behaviour.

You spilled water on the table and he wouldn't let you have dessert? Jeez, I would have poured a bucket of aqua over him or he'd have got an especially gooey pie in his face.

What kind of example is he setting for your dc? Hardly a fine role model, is he?

Life's far too short to spend it tiptoeing on the eggshells that surround this uncivilised and self-entitled twat.

You 'pick your battles'? Why bother when all you have to do is tell him that he can go fuck himself give others a good laugh at his childish displays of anger because you can't be arsed to have anything more to do with him beyond the minimum that is needed to arrange your dc's contact with their 'd'f.

As for I do love him though that's the thing what is there to love about a man who goes into one because his 'egg broke' or there's water on a table, and who smashes his stuff up and breaks his hand because he won't take steps to curb his unreasonable anger?

He obviously doesn't love you or his dc enough to control his rage, and I dread to think what effect his violent tantrums have had, and continue to have, on the dc.

I suspect that you tell yourself you love him to justify staying in a relationship with this utter tool. Are you scared of making the break because you know you should have done it years ago and that thought makes you feel foolish? Or are you scared of his reaction if you bin him?

It seems that friends and family regard you as an idiot for continuing to put up with his crap.

Your self-esteem and the esteem in which others hold you will undoubtedly rise in leaps and bounds once you've divested yourself of this twat.

I agree with sgb that any contact with his dc should be strictly supervised and take place in a neutral environment

Given the damage that has undoubtedly already been done to the dc, I would suggest that you approach their headteacher or GP with a view to seeking play therapy sessions or similar for him/her with a child psychologist.

Wake up, woman! No one should have to put up with his shit and no child should have to witness it.

Tbh, It seems that you are only really together because you have some family activities and, I presume, you have sex.

I lived for 10 years with ex. He would also lose it for fairly small things, no sense of humour or actually insulting. I was not afraid of him as such but he did end up hurting me and making me afraid of him.
Just for you to think about.

You've all given me a lot to think about thanks again.

I don't think i realised how bad it would sound to outsiders. Or maybe i did and that's why i haven't really told my family and friends about much of it. This is the first time i've ever been completely honest with other people. I am used to it and just roll my eyes and tell him he's a twat when he starts smashing stuff up.

It did used to be a lot worse than it is now.

I want to say it's not all the time and it's just his personality but that's no excuse really is it?

Nope - there's no excuse for men like him and no excuse they can make for behaving the way they do.

Every time you roll your eyes and tell him he's a twat when he kicks off, you're condoning his behaviour.

You've become lazy, gal. Wake up, smell the coffee and tip a cup over his head do what you know you should have done a long time ago.

He went into one because AN EGG BROKE???

No-one deserves to be with someone like that.