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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am worried my best friend is about to embark on an affair.

29 replies

culottee · 09/03/2012 14:29

And before you say it, I know it's none of my bizz and that I should keep my beak out etc. But she has been very open with me (to the point of showing me text convos between her and this chap) and I can't help feeling very worried for her and her family (she knows this). Apart from saying that I think this is very dangerous and to be cateful, I can't do a lot else can I?

OP posts:
Abitwobblynow · 09/03/2012 14:36

My friend didn't listen either. Then I had to listen to the fallout.

Just say very clearly 'you are helping a selfish person run away from his problems and you are making a choice to assist him in lying and betraying. You WILL get hurt by this, he IS using you'

and then just step back, really. Don't listen to the details and the dramas.

Littlemissnegative · 09/03/2012 14:55

Unfortunately, no you can't do much about it. She is in a little bubble and it will be almost impossible to make her see sense. I think you are right to tell her that you care about her and you worry for her and the people who will get very hurt (including her) if she doesn't stop, but that's all you can do. It's horrible to be a bystander in this situation, I feel for you.

Sanjeev · 09/03/2012 15:50

Abitwobbly said 'Just say very clearly 'you are helping a selfish person run away from his problems and you are making a choice to assist him in lying and betraying. You WILL get hurt by this, he IS using you'.

The only person we know here that has a family is the woman. How have you only managed to include his lying, his betraying and his selfishness? If she is about to embark on an affair, she is also guilty of lying, betrayal and using, isn't she? Is he even married?

Original poster
culottee · 09/03/2012 16:34

Sanjeev - that's the thing. She is and has kids. He isn't.

Dunno what to do.

OP posts:
Proudnscary · 09/03/2012 16:38

I would actually try to stop her.

I would try and pull her back into reality with both hands.

It probably won't work but it just might.

Say 'Look I understand the huge temptation, it's like being injected with heroin and going crazy for your fix but this WILL go horribly wrong and you might lose absolutely everything. You're not a bad person but this could devastate your family and hurt your children beyond repair'

Mama1980 · 09/03/2012 16:42

Hi unfortunately I don't think there is much you can do Sad other than say to her very clearly that there is no way this can end well. And ask if she is prepared to lose everything, is he worth that? Because of she says yes then she should leave her husband not lie and cheat. If not then she should obviously immediately cut all contact. Sorry not much help I know what a horrible situation you are in too. I would distance myself to be honest.

Original poster
culottee · 09/03/2012 16:48

She has confided in another friend of ours. I think I am going to talk to her and see if we can "stage an intervention" together. Just really spell out to her what we think, the risk she is taking etc. I just don't want her to stop talking to us; I kind of feel that while she is sharing what she's up to, she is less liekly to do anythinhg drastic but if we drive her away she will go straight to him.

It's so difficult.

OP posts:
only4tonight · 09/03/2012 16:49

I would say that "I don't think its a good idea, I don't agree with what you are doing and if you insist on carrying on I certainly don't want to hear about it now or WHEN the Shit hits the fan"

MerryMarigold · 09/03/2012 16:51

Yes, I think for your conscience you are obliged to say something. Because it won't end well and she'll probably say, "Why didn't you warn me?" Don't tell her to be careful, it sounds like you're condoning it.

TheEpilator · 09/03/2012 17:02

Maybe she's telling you to make it 'real' rather than just a fantasy and testing the water to see how that feels.

You should let her know that reality means people whispering gossip about her, the possibility, in fact, almost certainty that her H will find out and the implications for her children when that happens.

Maybe mention that you think her H already suspects, as he's asked you if you know anything. See if that makes it real enough for her.

Sanjeev · 09/03/2012 17:28

Culottee, some people are just too headstrong to take advice. I suspect she wont listen no matter what you say. You have to decide whether she is a friend worth supporting, or just a selfish, self-centred individual who isn't worth your time. Does she have redeeming features? Is this just an aberration?

Oh, and I wonder if we will see Abitwobbly back in here??

Teapot13 · 09/03/2012 17:36

Well, you could suggest she spend an afternoon reading the Relationships threads. . . might turn her off to the idea

MerryMarigold · 09/03/2012 18:49

Grin, good idea Teapot.

SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 09/03/2012 18:53

Be upfront and honest and bluntly truthful - "What the hell do you think you're doing? You could lose your marriage, devastate your children and completely change everything".

annie752 · 09/03/2012 18:58

Ok. From the other side. If someone is going to have an affair nothing you say is going to stop them. Sometimes otherwise good people make bad decisions and just because someone does a bad thing it does not make them a bad person. Who knows what is going on in her head or her life (NOT that it is excusable even if she is unhappy in her marriage etc)

I would say all you can do is say to her that you are worried about it, you are worried about the effect it will have on her and her family but that you are her friend and you will be there for her. Some of this may be due to low self esteem or marriage issues and if it is then being there for her and offering a non judgemental shoulder may actually make her feel more confident in her self and LESS likely to stray.

Point her towards a site called baggagereclaim which is very good and see if there is anything particular in her life she is unhappy with that you could maybe help support her through so she does not feel the need to seek comfort elsewhere. The main thing is though that if her mind there is nothing you or anyone else can say or do that will change that. She will reach the decision in her own time and all you can do is decide whether she is a good enough friend that you can get past it.

annie752 · 09/03/2012 19:01

Oh although if you don't feel that you can support her then maybe just say that you are her friend and you don't want to get involved in or hear about this part of her life but you are still her friend and are there for everything else!

MerryMarigold · 09/03/2012 19:01

It's possible, annie. But when I had an affair, my self esteem was the highest it had ever been (just before). By the end of it (and even during), it was about as low as it had ever been.

solidgoldbrass · 09/03/2012 19:04

How is her existing relationship, though? Do you know? Is her current H a bully, or an addict, or a lazyarse, or an asexual? Sometimes affairs are a way of leaving a relationship that's pretty toxic, so toxic that the affair-starter is too ground down to leave until someone else shows up.

By all means say to her, if you like, that you disapprove, that you will not cover up for her and that you don't want to hear about it (though unless you are a completely self-righteous, monogamy-worshipping twat who isn't that close to her anyway I hope you would add that you still care for her as a friend and will support her if it all goes horribly wrong). But 'staging an intervention'? Get the fuck over yourself, you are not her mother, her boss or her keeper and it is up to her what she does.

AdLibitum · 09/03/2012 21:45

Quite, SGB.

Abitwobblynow · 11/03/2012 16:07

"If someone is going to have an affair nothing you say is going to stop them."

is my experience also.

calmafterthestorm · 11/03/2012 18:57

mostly though SGB affairs are a result of some issue on the affair starters part and a nasty way of shitting over those they profess to love and some kind of ego/power trip

I thought your post was harsh to OP who is concerned about watching her friend self destruct in this way

agree that you can't stop her though OP

Sanjeev · 11/03/2012 22:53

Tell her she should not start an affair unless she has the guts to end it with her husband first.

I am not surprised at the usual suspects defending her right to do this on the grounds that her husband is............well, a man. The hypocrisy stinks.

Abitwobbly, have you got over your initial rant about the guy in this affair and his non-existent family?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/03/2012 10:19

I would listen to her reasons and probably not try to pull her back. We only get one shot at life and it's ours to mess up if that's what we wish. Some people feel suffocated in the whole 'married with two kids' scenario and yearn for something more exciting and spontaneous. Could go horribly wrong for her or she could get it out of her system and feel happier with what she's got. Urge caution. Use phrases like 'don't come crying when it all goes pear-shaped' by all means. But let grown-ups be grown-ups.

Sanjeev · 12/03/2012 11:05

Cogito - would you offer the same advice if it were a married man with two kids thinking about embarking on an affair with a single woman? Let's say our fictional married man was a stay at home husband, childcare, the whole she shebang, wife is out earning, and he feels left out and bored/lonely, just to add some interest.

tadpoles · 12/03/2012 11:12

Never get involved in other people's relationships. I make that a cardinal rule. By all means, if you are asked for advice, tell her what you think. Otherwise, do not get involved. No-one really knows what is going on in a relationship apart from those in it (sometimes even they don't know!). If you stick your nose in, you will not be thanked for it. In general, when people get involved in other people's relationships, it is because of THEIR own agendas. Just saying.

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