Was this abuse?

[Bobits]

Hi all, this is past tense - I split with my partner october 2011 - But sometimes I still think I am going mad, wondering if I could ask your perspective?

I moved in with ex april 2011 with ds1 (5yrs) from a previous relationship and was about 5months pregnant.

There were 4 incidents regarding my ds1.
The first two were in april. Once my ex dangled my ds1 over the bannisters for being naughty. And the other, when my ex was sitting on the floor he lifted ds1 above his head and threw him to the floor. I freaked both times and he said sorry.
The third was in august in the first month after dd2 was born - he bent ds1's hands back at the rist and really hurt him - I again got very cross.

3 weeks after our split in october - he brought his 2 nephews around to play with ds1. They were carrying on and ex was shouting at them to stop. Ds1 shouted at the ex to stop making his sister cry (as his shouting was disturbing her) He yelled in his face - you want me to give you something to cry about? This reslly upset me as for me, ds1 was only protecting his sister and missing his step-dad role model - His reaction was so harsh. I took dd2 away to feed her and asked ex to settle boys calmly and heard alot of comotion downstairs. I came down to ds1 crying that ex had 'strangled him' his tie out of place and ex claimed to only have grabbed him by the neck (hardly better). After this he is not allowed to see ds1.
At the time these all felt like isolated incidents but in hindsight is obviously different.
I feel ashamed and a bad mum for not leaving sooner.
Though I am grateful and thankful it was only for six months.

With money he was selfish. We went private to have dd2 and during our pg he claimed not to be able to pay half although he earned alot more. Which was a shock as I had saved to stay off the full year. When I was 7 1/2 months I discovered he was going onto live webcam sites boke boke and was upset to say the least! When I wanted to go to the doctors on my own - he said he'd follow me, which made me cross because he wanted the rights but without any of the responsibilities. And although I had no proof was thinking so thats where the moneys gone...(webcams).

I was also upset that as he expected me to be celebate for at least 7 1/2 months (because I had a baby bump and he found it ackward) and he was asking when I could go on the pill when dd2 was 2weeks.

And when he wouldnt help around the house and I was pissed off because we both worked full time before dd2 and should both contribute - was told I was anal over housework and too fussy.

Finally when talking hypothetically what we would do if we break up he claimed he would just stay in our rented house, keep the baby and me and ds1 would leave. I was about 8months pregnant and at the time I felt threatened by this, like I couldn't trust him and trapped because a part of me was scared this would happen.

All this would usually have me run a mile - but I was living with him carrying his child, and wrongly thought I could trust him before we moved in.

Why did he bring this into mine and my ds's lives? Is it likely this started because I was pregnant and more vulnerable?

Thankyou anyone for listening, was good to get off my chest xo

Oh thankyou, I don't think my feelings associated with danger of my exp are unjustified and to not feel listened to just amplifies and makes them worse xx Thankyou for listening

I have just read your full thread ( didn't realise at first it was an old one)

I just find it quite unbelievable that he has been granted unsupervised access. The way the courts err on the side of 'access for fathers no matter what the implications for the child' seems to be the current 'norm'

What are his current motivations? Is he acting out of a genuine desire to be a good father or is he just in it to 'win'

Let's hope it's the former and that if it's the latter he'll realise what hard work it is on his own.

If an appeal doesn't work, all you can do is go along with the contact and keep a diary of how it goes. Note anytime he doesn't turn up or comes late or returns dd late. Note if your dd appears distressed or is unkempt or (God forbid) has any unexplained marks. If you get to the stage where you can demonstrate (and get your GP/HV behind you) that the contact is not in her best interests, you may be in a better position to challenge it.

It's possible that he might not bother with it after the first few times - especially if he's not getting a rise out of you. Some men get very indignant that they are "baby-sitting" while their ex gets a break. If you can possibly manage it, keep your emotions under control during the handover and look happy that you now have some free time to do xyz. He might stop contact to spite you.

There's also a chance that he might be okayish with his biological child. Some men (and women) are awful to non-biological dcs, resentful of their very existence, but better with their biological dcs. Alternatively, his mother or new girlfriend or whoever might end up doing the childcare.

I know this is terrifying, but you have to stay in control of your fears. Your dd needs you to be strong and sensible and paying close attention to what is happening, and by keeping a cool head and sticking to the facts rather than to your fears, you are more likely to be taken seriously if contact does go badly.

Thanks hop, motivations are always on the surface good, but I know him too well. He has made a mess of things, feels like crap and instead of doing the right thing will try to use us one way or another to feel better about himself.

Nickname - I know, the exact advice I'd be giving to someone else in my position, it's just as its my experience my feelings are harder to keep in check.
I'd considered if he's let contact go in time - I think he is very controlling and think he may stick it out as he has such a need for control.

I'd also thought about the step-child situation versus biological child scenario. I think the risk on that would be the same as before as abusive men tend to victimise family and he only hurt ds when we lived together not before as he didn't assume 'ownership' of us until then. As he no longer has access to ds I think he only has the opportunity to victimise her so the choice over victims is limited.
However as we are separate, she stands a better chance as he may feel that if he does harm her there will be consequences re contact.

Thankyou both for responding to my peril, I know we'll get through, and were in less danger than before however the fear of the unknown can be over whelming sometimes, thankyou xx

I know exactly what you mean about a limited choice of victims. It is utterly horrible when your dc is being thrust into this role. It's awful to feel that you have to wait for harm to be done to your child before you can do anything about it, and even then you may not be able to stop it.

My ex is also not the type to let go of contact - he's constantly pushing for more and more. He loves having his little acolyte, and I hate that dd is being trained up to play this role.

I just hope that if we can be loving, consistent parents during the time that they are with us, that provides a protective effect for the times they are with the other parent.