Tell tale signs DP/DH is lying - please add to the list.

[redrubyshoes]

I have been on Mumsnet for a fair few years with a few name changes along the way.

I pop into relationships quite often and sometimes post but I hear the same story over and over again and I admire SGB and AnyFucker and all the others for sticking with it and giving good advice.

Most of us that post advice have been there and can predict each and every line that will be spun and every lie that will be told. The word 'he' is generic and can be used for all relationships and is not male orientated in any of my posts.

1. I love you but I am not in love with you - has met someone else.

2. I need space to think - has generally met someone else.

3. Hidden mobile phone - has generally met someone else.

4. Unexplained absences coupled with anger upon questioning - something dodgy is going on.

Had all of these with ex-H and I would have posted on MN if I had known of it 12 years ago. I ignored my gut instinct.

I have chosen those four as examples and I may get some innocent person accused of doing something they haven't done.

1. Hidden mobile phone - secret party/holiday/wedding being arranged for loved one

2. Unexplained absences - secret party/holiday/wedding being arranged for loved one

Feel free to flame me or post.

I definitely second the paranoia, and accusing you of having an affair. Ex did this for years and years and even now I find myself justifying my actions and friendships to my wonderful DP. He looks at me like this . Why would he care where I have been and who I have been talking to (in the nicest possible way)!. Whenever anyone mentions a paranoid accusatory partner I take it as given that the partner is the one who has been up to no good

Glad my DH doesn't MN.

I have begun to hide my phone, I never leave it around, I take it to bed and to the loo. If I am using it and he walks into the room I put it away at once.

I am not having an affair!

I have dropped it and cracked the screen (iphone 4) This is the 4th phone I have smashed. I didn't take insurance out on it (again) I am hugely mortified. Perhaps I should confess - I'd rather he know I am a klutz than he thinks I am an adulterer.

Cock definitely not a requirement.

My mother scored on 4-8, with an honorary 3 if the phone box on the corner counts for pre-mobile days.

(That's the phone box next to the bus stop and post box, on the main road through the village where she'd lived for 20 years. Adulterers really weren't any brighter before mobile phones...)

yep to all of them except the phone. Definitely 'I need space' (to go and shag her without interruptions), 'you're different/you've changed' was a big one too. 'I'm depressed' was a big red herring too - used this one to his sudden need to go to the gym 5x a week (boosting endorphins? HA. That'll be the extra sex you're having then will it?) also depression was used as an explanation for suddenly being unable to talk/touch me/sit in the same room... he was too 'sad' to explain himself. Went as far as actually taking antidepressants in my XH's case. Um, pretty sure they're not designed to treat guilt

telling me very early on that we we 'wanted different things' and that he wasnt sure what love was

staring straight at my face with a concerned expression and holding eye contact whilst lying

buying time alot by pretending not to hear and asking me to repeat what I had said

lying about small things, so I was able to work out he was capable of lying

spending most waking hours in office, because he had 'alot of work' whilst the invoices suggested otherwise

staying up very very late (3am)

losing interest in family activities

blaming me for problems in the relationship (eg I was critical of him re staying up and for withdrawing)

telling me I should get out more

changing computer password for spurious reasons and forgetting to mention it

changing his appearance and demonstrating signs of mid life crisis

with hindsight, becoming more critical of women eg friends of mine, and seeing other women's actions re their partners as controlling, and being unusually vehement about that

changing his mind after years about whether infidelity generally was always wrong, and saying he would no longer judge it negatively

gaslighting- telling me that what I had seen was not on his computer, and looking confused

contradicting his story, then accusing me of being unable to remember the real story, until I had to keep a diary to double check myself ( more gaslighting?)

Spending an awful lot of time in the loo with "a dodgy tum" (and the phone needless to say)
Staying up later than me even though he too was spending an awful lot of time at work and being "shattered" (shagged out more like)
Meeting up with friends mid week for a quick drink, again despite being "shattered"
Looking me in the eyes and promising faithfully he would never be unfaithful to me again - incidentally he was at it whilst he told me these lies.

Oh, and the endless evidence of porn, which was minimsed.

And the replacement of sex in our relationship with porn.

Every woman should watch out for that one

definately all the time in the loo with the dodgy tum (and phone) here as well, together with the appropriate poor-me expressions.
That and his mouth moving.

"Mentioning a new colleague's name a lot.

And then never mentioning it."

Yup.

And walking out of a room if you walk into it.

mine the sex life suddenly dissapearing as in his head if he wasnt sleeping with me (only her) he wasnt being unfaithful, the secret phone, going in the bedroom with his lappy and e mailing women on match.com , didnt realise i could work out how to get in there as he wasnt clever enough to log out and his e mails took me straight in there, accusing me of wanting to shag every man i talked to, (he was the one shagging around) getting angry when i finally caught him again texting some woman and threw him out of the house, and yes every day he was behaving like this he behaved on a day to day basis exactly the same as every other day, so i looked like the paranoid one who was checking on him and didnt trust him

1. I love you but I am not in love with you - has met someone else.

2. I need space to think - has generally met someone else.

3. Hidden mobile phone - has generally met someone else.

4. Unexplained absences coupled with anger upon questioning - something dodgy is going on.

So basically it is these four things but with variations?

the sex life suddenly dissapearing as in his head if he wasnt sleeping with me (only her) he wasnt being unfaithful

oh, yeah, that too!

all of the above, with bells on

5. Going to the gym and showrering and wearing aftershave

I hesitate to add to this as it's painful to remember, but there are silences when you ask something fairly innocuous, while he thinks of an answer, or how to explain something that cannot be explained.

Giving too much info as well, more than was asked for. Bringing up the subject a lot when it was kind of below your radar in the first place, and acting like you really care about it when actually you wouldn't have given it a second thought until he started going on about it.

Walking away from you when answering, breaking eye contact.

Trying to persuade you that an idea he keeps badgering you about is ALL for your benefit when you're not bothered either way and it's actually so that he can do something he wanted to but knows you would not approve of.

Saying something that makes absolutely no sense or contradicts something he said earlier. You'd think people wouldn't even try to get away with this but they do.

Erm, that's all I can think of right now.

Swearing by all that obviously is not is dear to him that there is nothing covert or clandestine about his life while holding your hand and looking sadly into your eyes

Staying in the car to finish phone conversations (for ages) despite having arrived home. Dodgy.

Yes to porn instead of sex! Yes to completely withdrawing and moody! And a big yes to phone hiding - mine slept with his under his pillow.

The one biggest thing for me about telling if someone is lying to you or not, is to trust your 'gut instinct'. If normally no alarm bells ring and all of a sudden they start - chances are something is not right...

or

Changes in behaviour
Staying at work longer than normal all of a sudden
Driving around the block to finish a conversation on the mobile phone
Deleting history on the phone or pc
Spending hours on the pc until the wee hours of the morning
Being attached to his phone all the time
Changing passwords and forgetting to tell you
Constantly checking the phone the minute you walk out of a room
Picking arguments, faults
Arguing with you about things that normally don't bother him

My ExH was a great lier, he'd quite happily look me straight in the eye and swear the grass was pink until he was blue in the face.

My ex (long, long time ago) was lovely. He would look at me and laugh. I'd ask why. He would say 'I'll tell you one day when it's too late'. He thought he was being clever, thought I would marry him and I wouldn't divorce him for cheating. (We never married, luckily).

Telling you it's only sex or you're the one he comes back to. (Above ex's defences when I found out).

Yuk Lazarus what a wanker I'll tell you one day when it's too late !!!

Monumental arseface.

For me it's the anger and frustration when I brought things up.

My DH does loads of stuff like changing passwords and forgetting to tell me (actually makes that forget to tell me anything!) but when I bring it up he's sorry and immediately goes to amend it whereas my ex would insist he had, start a fight and have a go at me until I admitted I must have been mistaken.

DH thinks I have a right to ask questions but my ex would go mad and ask why I was checking up on him. (For the record my prying extends to such things as asking how was your day, who went on the team lunch and what did you eat, is there anything you have planned this weekend or can we do x)

'Staying in the car to finish phone conversations (for ages) despite having arrived home'
Yup - and yes, not only well dodgy, but damned rude - couldn't he have gone somewhere else to make his f*ing phone calls?
and a big yes to sex disappearing.

Oh dear. I have done/am doing all of these things to my STBXH and there is no-one else, honest
I have been hiding my phone/laptop/changing passwords mainly because I have been MNing/texting/emailing about him being a wanker. Maybe this does apply more to one gender than another . . .

sorry but if he's a STBXH I think you can be forgiven....