Your feelings after he cheated?

[redvelvetcake]

So it's nearly 5.5 months after I found out he had a one night stand. We're slowly getting back on track with mostly good days but some very bad days.

How did you get that feeling of love back? I used to believe so much in love, compromise and sacrificed many things to make our marriage work. But now I don't feel that love I used to feel, the excitement or the belief in what a marriage is.

HOw do I get that back? How do I get back how I used to feel and not be this jaded person?

Perhaps you can't, love

He may have destroyed your love completely. That is the risk he took.

make sure you remember you do have another option, and that is you can decide you no longer want this faithless man

What is he doing (not just saying) to repair the relationship that he wrecked ?

my dp never physically cheated but was caught out sexting which still hurt like hell. We are in the early early throes of repairing our relationship so your further on than me. I would say I do love my dp but its not the same as before, and like you, am waiting for that first type of love to return iykwim. Sorry, not much help but am interested in what anyone else says.

You're not going to get it back, honey.

He's broken your trust and destroyed your belief in marriage, and now you're playing in a very different ball park.

Im not going to be a lot of help either but i couldnt so i chose to end it.Were together 18 yrs and had 4 dcs. It was the only decision for me as i wasnt going to spend the rest of my life worrying so i thought id let him get on with it and re start my life. Good move.Life is much better now.
You dont owe him anything remember,he messed up not yopu and its your decision what you do about it.

I couldn't get it back. I tried, but I just couldn't love someone who betrayed me. I also didn't want to have to try and love him again. You shouldn't have to, should you?

He is trying to repair our relationship. He is being more helpful with DS, given me access to his phone and all email accounts. I see our joint account statements everytime they come in, whereas before i never really bothered. He is trying to be more attentive. He books me in for massages, facials etc. And i do see how much he is trying.

I just don't feel the way i used to feel. When i look at other people's relationships i feel jealous now. I feel like he has taken the love and trust away from me. WHen you are in a relationship where you haven't been hurt, its like walking around with rose tinted glasses on. And now, its no longer what it was.

I don't know, i just feel like an emotional wreck sometimes and on those days all i can do is cry

You're describing exactly how I felt with ExH - and it was about a billion years ago, but I can still remember how awful it was. I stuck it out for 6 months and then thought it's just no good, it's not going to come back. Trust and love are so closely linked that when you lose the trust the love bit is decidedly wobbly. I could forgive my Ex, but I couldn't forget it.

The thing is - I absolutely knew then that it was over, but you have to get to that stage where you absolutely know. Otherwise there will be "what ifs" and it will be much much harder for you. Just see how it goes - don't have too high expectations, accept that it might be flogging a dead horse, or it might turn out well. But it will take time.

Almost 2 years on and I still haven't got back to how I used to feel about him tbh and it's only recently I can admit that to myself.Used to upset me terribly and was like a kind of bereavement - longing,almost physically to feel that lovely warm,secure and confident feeling in our marriage.But I've decided I'm in it for the duration- because he's a good guy who mucked up big time and was/is truly sorry he hurt me.I do love him and day to day we get on really well - which is just as well as we run parallel businesses that sort of need each others input and have lots of their family stuff going on that requires us to pull together.
But at this stage in my life-menopausal I guess- I can still have down days when I feel it will never ever feel quite as special again -so sad.Then again in a kind of way I feel we must be a strong couple to have come through this and still have plenty to say to each other,a good sex life and plenty to laugh about.Unless I'm on a 'down' day -which happens less often now.And now when that happens I just withdraw somewhat ,or take myself off for a few hours 'me time' and then come back to him if that makes sense?

keep thinking, keep feeling, don't bury things OP

put yourself first, not the "relationship"

I wish you well x

It will NEVER be the same again. Feelings are directed by thoughts. Once you know something like this you think about it,over and over, and hey presto the feelings change forever. One of the biggest problems is in trying to convince yourself he will not do it again, so you now have two thoughts rushing around, one that he did this to you and one that he could do it again. That is why it is so so difficult to move on.

I think that if you are still crying a lot then you are probably not ready to try and love him again. Maybe you will make it work, maybe you won't.

But you can't force those feelings, you can't force the marriage to work too soon, no matter how many pedicures he books you in for.

It would have made no difference to me how hard H had tried (and he did, at first, but eventually, his personality won out and the trying tailed off), I just couldn't love someone who had done that to me. Nor respect them. That is just a line for me.

And OP, I was the opposite to you - I didn't look at other couples and feel jealous, I looked at them and wondered whether one of them was a cheater. My H didn't make me miss our marriage, he made me think that most marriages are lies. Which made me terribly sad.

3 months after we were married, I walked in on DH in a compromising position with a women we'd met on a night out who (with others) had come back to ours for a drink. I went mental, she (and the others) left, he didn't remember the next day and was baffled why I wanted a divorce.
A year on, things are good day to day and I've forgiven but I can't forget. However drunk he was, it still happened and it tainted things. He'd never done anything like that before (nrly 10 years) and almost didn't believe me that it had actually happened. Things do get better and things do move on but you'll never forget. I just hope that over time it fades more and more.
If you still love him and essentially your friendship hasn't changed, the intimate side will get back on track. The trust issue....well that will take a LONG time and that's for him to work on. Remember though - none of us is perfect and there may one day where you screw up massively. Wouldn't you hope for a second chance?
That said.....if in a year or two, you are still feeling like this, cut and run, but don't be hasty - it really does take time for the memories to fade and the trust to rebuild. We're still working on it but I do think he's worth it. Do you?

I feel differently NOW to you and other posters OP, although I do recognise your feelings about the loss of innocence and recall feeling that in the first year.

I actually love my husband MORE since his affair. I also trust him completely.

But that's because of all the work he did on himself and because he took total responsibility for what he'd done. My respect for him grew as I saw him tackle his demons and he set about changing his character and behaviour. He is a very different person now to the man who allowed himself to have an affair. All the things I loved about him before are magnified and the traits I used to dislike are gone.

We'd been married for over 20 years when this happened to us and we are a fair few years on now, so maybe both of those things make a difference. We'd had a strong and good marriage for a long time and I'm glad we didn't throw in the towel for a couple of months of madness.

I think getting the love back is dependent on lots of factors. What your relationship was like beforehand, the length of the relationship, the cheater's willingness to take responsibility and change, the efforts they make to repair the breach, knowing the real reasons for the affair and their willingness to talk and talk about what happened until you have the details you need.

I found it also takes a LOT longer than anyone realises to get over this. I do know that if my husband had not been willing to change, I would have ended my marriage and not looked back, regardless of how happy we'd been. I also think if this had happened early on in our relationship (under 10 years) I would have felt that the problem was linked to finding monogamy too constraining and that there would have been more likelihood of it happening again.

Have you had any counselling on your own? Has he? Does he know the reasons he did this? Apart from being transparent and being kind to you, what has he done for HIMSELF? Because that's the important point. This started and ended with HIM and he needs to understand his own character and why he allowed this to happen. This damaged him too.

Hi Red I remember you from a previous thread. Must be the day for it as I was thinking about posting on here as I am feeling exactly the same as you, not going to be much help really...other than knowing you are not alone with these feelings.
Last night I was totally overwhelmed with sadness (again) and I can't seem to shake if off today. I love my H but hate him for what he has done to us..and me. To be honest I want to run away from the whole thing. I just want to stop the world and step off. I don't know how people get over this, I dont seem to be any further forward than I was back in December despite having counselling - which worked at the time but now its stopped I feel am on a slipperly slope into self-pity...which I hate. I'm starting to have panic attacks, not too bad in coping with them as used to be Mental Health Nurse so can reassure myself IYKWIM, but I don't like feeling like this
I too find myself looking at couples when we are out and feel so incredibly sad. Mostly, they all look so happy, I want to feel like that again, not with someone else but with my H. I envy them.
I'm not strong enough to leave and I'm not sure I'm strong enough to stay, I'm in limbo and I hate it

What people who cheat don't seem to understand is that they are smashing the relationship in one fell swoop. No matter how much you or he tries to repair it, it just can't be done. The pieces can be put together but they're never, ever the same. The relationship is massively weakened as a result.

Would agree it takes much longer to get over this kind of thing.As our counsellor said recovery isn't linear - it has peaks and troughs.And everyone's different.There can be no prescribed time to get back to 'normal' and feel you're over it.
I do try really hard now not to bring it up or throw it back at him.But that's because I do appreciate the huge effort he's put in eg.Relate was his idea and he's done countless kind and considerate things.But I really had no idea how long the sadness would linger.Even considered going to GP and seeing if I needed anti-depressants more than once.
Just hang on in there RED and TRUST.That limbo feeling I know so well?You don't want to call it a day,but you can't see how it will ever work or be the same again? crap!
But there are very few bad days now and despite sounding rather negative in earlier post I'm glad we didn't throw in the towel and hope in the future to feel like FAMILYSCAPE.Be kind to yourselves and don't beat yourself up for having a bad day or two x

It's been 18months and I still think about it. I ended it for a few months after I found out but we had a holiday booked and friends kept telling me to go with him and see how it goes. So I did. About 5 weeks before the holiday we started just being friendly and while we were away I realised I was preg! The only good thing to come out of it was my wonderful dd! No matter how much I tried I just could not let go of the resentment. For that reason I know the relationship will NEVER work. its hard going through a break up especially when it's down to unfaithfulness. I don't know if time is healing me but it's def making me stronger! only you know if you can truly forgive him and let go of it.

I still thought about my ex DP cheating on me when we got back together. Nothing could repair it. It changed me forever. I blamed myself, blamed him, blamed her, blamed his Mother :)

People/marriages recover from affairs. The trust isn't the same afterwards, i guess it is different.

I wasn't one of those people, but as i learned the hard way and stayed when i should had finished with him forever.

Too late to turn back the clock but you will learn what is best for you.

Thanks everyone for your posts. It's good to be able to vent and sometimes hear both sides Of it. Those who left and those who have stayed and made it work.

It makes it harder that I'm due with DC2 in two weeks. I've been incredibly sad and upset in this pregnancy and am worried about how it has effected our baby.

I think I saw some old pictures of us and seeing the 'old' us makes me sad. Seeing how happy I used to be and how much in love. And I'm angry at him for taking it all away from me.

Sometimes I feel like he expects so much from me. And I have yet to feel that he puts me and our relationship first. When I feel that he does I will then maybe move on past some issues. But I don't feel that important in his life. I know DS is, but not me. I never have been and that hurts.

Have you had any counselling either alone or joint ? It is very eary days for you both - me and my DH were still going to Relate 5.5 months down the line.

You have so much going on atm with the birth of your baby, maybe you need to put some things in place like counselling now to help deal with this and with the added stress of a new baby.

The first year after discovery was truly awful for both me and my DH, we both had many issues to deal with and not talking is not the way to go, these things cannot be brushed under the carpet.

My DH was quite honest and said his head was such a mess that he didn't know what he wanted ie to be married or not - we both agreed that we would give it our best shot (we had 4DSs) as we owed it to the DC but I couldn't have done that without certain things in place eg the counselling, absolutely no contact with OW, complete openness and honesty about everything including feelings - have you told your H that he does not make you feel like you are the most important person in his life, sometimes spelling it out to them makes them sit up and think about their behaviour, he should be making you feel loved, cherished and respected. To be fair to my DH, he did everything he could to show me he loved, cherished me etc but he was so screwed up that he couldn't really love anyone even himself at that time if that makes sense.

You need to keep talking (or start talking), everything is one day at a time in the early days.

It is exactly 3 yrs down the line for me now when DH was in the height of his affair and all the god awful behaviours that went with it - I haven't and won't forget it but it doesn't have so much pain/anger attached to it anymore (depending on my hormones ).

Put yourself first now as well and good luck with the new baby

I have ambivalent days too. My h didnt have a face to face affair, but there was loads on internet sex chatting.

I notice that I finding it less painful after 4 months.

The thing that still gets to me is the length of time it went on- 5 and a half years. A quarter of all the time I have know him. That is the thing which really stuns me. It has made me think a great deal about myself, though, which is a good thing, and how I could have been so gullible when the evidence (photos he had been sent) was cropping up from the beginning.

I have been laughing at myself a bit actually, although in a good way, as initially I was angry with myself for not seeing it.

I find myself thinking, well you arrogant bugger, seeing yourself as an academic and career success, with good and thought out politics, and not seeing this coming, or believing it when the evidence was in front of you. Two of my siblings, who have led very small town lives , would have seen this coming from a mile off!

I am really appreciative of the extra work he is putting in to try to change. Although not grateful.

On the other hand, I do still think, what kind of man is this who thought it acceptable to seek out and sex chat mainly 18-25 year olds, when he has daughters of 15 and 24. How could he square it with himself, and his socialist and feminist type of ideas? It is breath taking. The other day he was rightly critical about my sisters ex h, but I was also thinking, what room have you to talk about other men treating women with contempt?

Im not sure I entirely regret the lost innocence. My h was such a mess, and behaved so badly during much of the affair years, that although it is relief that he is different, I also think I have gained alot of wisdom.

Before , I suppose, looking back, I never knew how much crap I was prepared to take, until right at the end. I had allowed myself to be muddled by him into thinking the problems were alot to do with me, which they weren't. I know I would never make that mistake again, so I am stronger. I also have a much much clearer understanding of the problems/flaws he had demonstrated, too, so I can protect myself from them ever cropping up again in any form. (ie I cant stop how he behaves, but I know I would leave if he reverts, and without another great internal struggle).

For most of us, it is early days, isnt it.

Redvelvet, I think you have alot of extra issues on your plate right now. Personally I look back on the last fortnight pre each of my 5 children as a mental trial in any case.

Hey redvelvetcake, your story sounds like a moment in time of my own past, had I known what was going on at the time. I, too, was pregnant with DC2 when my H had a one-night stand. He didn't tell me and then ended up being emotionally blackmailed into an affair with the same OW a couple of years later. I've often thought how I'd feel if he'd come clean after the one-night stand, and believe me I wish that had happened. It doesn't make things any easier at the time, but I think it helps to know that your H wasn't involved in such a long drawn-out affair that consumes them and turns them into a different person.

Of course cheating is cheating and there are no excuses, but there are degrees of cheating. Did your H tell you himself or did you find out?

I think it's so hard to feel positive about a relationship that's been through this... even with the best will in the world you will always feel like things just might not be enough. I've only known about my H's affair for 3 months and although I think deep down that I want to work through it with him, I do have doubts. Have you spent any time apart? I found that that helped me to work out whether I was better off on my own or not.

A friend of mine who this happened to 9 years ago tells me that she will never forget and that when she's having a bad day, she will think of the affair and maybe bring it into an argument, but that after it rises its ugly head she can put it back again. She also says that her marriage is so much better now and the communication between her and her H is so good and open that she's actually glad the affair happened! I don't think I'll ever feel quite that strongly but I do think it's vital to talk about anything and everything after something like this, particularly if that was a weak point before the affair. Not only does it get all your emotions out so that you feel a release, but it also helps to rebuild your belief in him, at least it does for me.

Good luck with everything, especially the new baby x

Red remember that cheating whilst wife is preg (Wayne Rooney) is one of the 'common' ones (like stag dos and shagging the bridesmaid).

This is because it is a transition time (becoming a father) and a stressor of worry - am I going to be a good father? Can I cope with the new responsibility? And - feeling jealous of losing wife to baby.

so they look for the universal stress relief of men - sex.

I do think affairs are different, and whilst they are ALL horrible, some can be explained better.

Good luck, I hope he is managing to explain himself better.

winter, you say that your H was emotionally blackmailed into an affair? What does that mean?