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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Spending my entire time moaning about dp!

31 replies

notasheep · 30/01/2006 20:17

I sometimes wonder why i am actually with him as all i do is moan,moan,moan.Am i just a grumpy moaning minny? Or are alot of us alike.

Each day i think it would be easier being a single mum.But i would prob moan about him then too!!

Its the normal man stuff that i just cant be bothered with anymore.

Lazy,Untidy,Selfish,Insecure,Thoughtless,Stinks,Down the pub right now and so on and so on

OP posts:
devilJARM · 30/01/2006 20:18

Afraid my DH is the complete opposite!

Sympathy though - i do wonder where these men come from - those that want a mother not a wife!

hercules · 30/01/2006 20:19

I guess you have to decide either you carry on as you are and stop the moaning so at least you will be rid of that (must be fairly draining) or you give him an ultimatum- either he shapes up or ships out.

Original poster
notasheep · 30/01/2006 20:20

Exactly,I really think I am being HIS Mum.It must stop.

We do actually get on well together,good conversation,like minds BUT its the every day stuff that makes me so grumpy and i think it is now effecting dd

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Original poster
notasheep · 30/01/2006 20:22

hercules-a girlfriend said the same either put up with it or get out!
Since 2 girlfriends have died my entire attitude has changed.e.g. I am only here once and feel like i am wasting my time

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hercules · 30/01/2006 20:28

I didnt mean it so harshly. I meant it in the way that moaning is tiring and must bring you down further so you either make the most of it in the hope it takes some of the sadness away or you decide you cant do this and make plans to separate.

starlover · 30/01/2006 20:29

notasheep i have the same problem. a while back i did the whole "shape up or get out" and for a while things were MUCH better.
don't get me wrong, he does some stuff around the house etc etc and he is great with ds.... but most of the time he just... just... i don't know! grrrr

no idea what to do, but if you find a solution let me know!

Original poster
notasheep · 30/01/2006 20:32

On dds 6th birthday dp went to bed early and i just sat and wept and wept,thinking 6 years down the line and everything is still the same.
Since then i am really looking at everything.I think its the GUILT keeping me here.
And as for the moaning,it really is not healthy for me!

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Mascaraohara · 30/01/2006 20:32

I'm in the shape up or ship out phase at the moment. He's only stayed here one night since thursday, we've gone right back to basics, I think he will be coming round tomorrow.

Men eh?! can't live with 'em..

Original poster
notasheep · 30/01/2006 20:39

Why dont i just find somewhere else to live with dd and ds,life would be simpler.I feel like i need to be pushed-like i am standing on the edge of a very deep swimming pool,and i cant swim( seriously i cant)

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Original poster
notasheep · 30/01/2006 22:40

moan,moan,moan dp went to pub at 6.30pm,still out and his drinking buddy is sleeping the night on the sofa and its only Monday!

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MadMaz · 30/01/2006 23:25

Sounds like a nice hotel your running there. No doubt you will be cooking breakfast for both of them. Dinner will be made and clothes laundered etc.

Time to pin him down, or go to the pub with him next week and have a serious talk? Perhaps the drinking buddy can be persuaded to have a beer indoors next Monday - if he wants to continue staying at Hotel Sheep in future he'd better help your man shape up.

Original poster
notasheep · 30/01/2006 23:38

The pub is a 2 minute walk from here and i am being a mug,downtrodden,her in doors,doormat.
I can forsee a very difficult night ahead.

At least i never cook breakfast-god knows what time they will be back.

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MadMaz · 31/01/2006 00:15

Hmm 2 minutes walk. Tempting to pop along isn't it, head round the door and in your best Harry enfield accent "only me! - now I don't think you meant to be out that long did you".

Make sure you set an alarm clock in the living room nice and early.......

Original poster
notasheep · 31/01/2006 09:07

He got back at 1230am I am seriously now planning my escape

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MadMaz · 31/01/2006 21:56

Sorry to hear that notasheep. Its just not on. Have you managed to talk to him about how you are feeling.

Original poster
notasheep · 31/01/2006 22:01

On Saturday after another selfish moment of his I confronted him and his reply was;are you going to kick me out?

Reading between the lines there I think he is implying that he knows what may be on the cards

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Original poster
notasheep · 31/01/2006 22:02

Plan A is to leave in the Summer but the guilt is drowning me at the moment

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IvortheEngine · 31/01/2006 22:38

I am about to go to bed but didn't want to go without posting a small message of support. I'd say........if he made a big effort and things were much better during that time, tell him so and make sure he's listening and taking it in. I don't think you're going to give up on him without knowing that you've both tried hard. At least, that's what it sounds like to me.
My thoughts are:-
Lazy - lots of people are if they know they'll get away with it.
Untidy - ditto.
Selfish - ditto. Why not if others will let you?
Insecure - is he testing you to see how far you'll let it go?
Thoughtless - lots of men are, it seems to me! They just don't think like women do. i.e. if birthday cards and presents aren't important to them then they seem to think they're not important to anyone.
Stinks - My kids need to be told that a shower every other day is the bare minimum and more often if you've been playing footie, etc. Perhaps he needs to be told, too.
Down the pub - he doesn't have to put some work in on his relationship down there, does he? His mates aren't going to give him a hard time and say "notasheep isn't happy with you, mate. You'd better get your act together".
I hope this doesn't sound flippant. I'm hoping to be of some help, but if this doesn't help at all then feel free to ignore me. I hope it works out for you. Oh, yes. Try looking in the library for some life coaching type books. I read a Dawna Walter (or somesuch) book the other week. Also the Trinny and Susannah one What not to wear is brill. That's the sort of book that gets me moving. I've started improving my home surroundings (as I wanted to declutter) and dd said to me the other day that I'd done lots and that it looked much better already! Good to hear! She's the only other female in the house and the only one who'd noticed and said anything. That's girls for you! How about deciding what job you want in the future and have something to look forward to? I think your dp would shape up if you made some changes and rattled his cage a bit even without saying anything directly to him. Sorry, did I say this was a small message? I'll get off my soapbox now.

Original poster
notasheep · 31/01/2006 22:50

Ivor-Thankyou so much for your SMALL message of support.
Big issue i think is that he is a student!
My sister thinks i should really stick it out as things should surely? change once he is in full time work.
Maybe then he will stop going out all night blah,blah,blah.
He doesnt have any responsibility at the moment,I am providing the accomodation and feeling a mug.

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MadMaz · 31/01/2006 22:57

Hi sheep - tough talking but good stuff from Ivor. Thing is you have to try something before you decide to leave, otherwise you will regret it. Why the summer? Surely there is time to suggest counselling or something? In my case I let my ex get lazy and complacent and instead of being assertive about sorting it out I just retreated. It was too late to pick up the pieces because by the time we got to counselling he had forgot how to behave towards me and I had gone down the pub and behaved badly myself. Do you have a mutual friend that could mediate for you to get the dialogue more meaningful?

MadMaz · 31/01/2006 23:00

Ah - a student. Does this mean you are working to support the family as well? Why is he studying? Do you resent his carefree lifestyle while you are at home holding it all together and worrying about money etc (I think I would)

IvortheEngine · 31/01/2006 23:01

Ah. [guilty expression as Ivor remembers her student days] But....if he has a partner and children then he is a mature student and not a carefree teenager as I was, then? Being with other students - I can see how that would make him worse. I have a work colleague who is, shall we say, immature and I shudder as he reminds me of how daft I used to be. Still, working with us oldies (30+, 40+, and 50+) he is maturing and I'm sure your dp will too, if he spends less time doing studenty things and more time in the RL. Can you write down the following (not for me or to put on MN, just for you):- when his course finishes, how much (if anything) will he owe, what work he can expect to get with the new qualification, what wage, what terms and conditions/travelling time/working hours. If he is going to have to knuckle down to a 9 to 5, 5 days a week job, this could be the light at the end of the tunnel.

Show him that you are looking to the future and the part he will be playing and the responsibilities that will fall to him at that time. Rent/mortgage/bills/etc. Get him on board. Make him see that he is a big part of that future and he is working towards that now. All nighters out? Once in a blue moon in my book, but then I'm a square and I know it. Think about how often is acceptable to you and tell him. At the end of every term. Once a month. Whatever. Give him some guidelines and see how he responds.

Must go to bed now. 7am will soon be here! I hope I've been of some use.

Original poster
notasheep · 01/02/2006 14:55

Mad Maz and Ivor,big thankyou for your input,masses for me to think about.
I know i am not being assertive enough and I really need to get things down on paper.

Dp is a 37yr old student-he should be responsible by now,I just feel like i let him get away with his behaviour.I am looking at planning for Summer as dp hands dissetation in On May 5th.

Let me give you one scenario dd is 6yr ds is 1yr,we are at a childrens party.Dp takes ds home to put him to bed,I get back half an hour later,house empty,ds asleep.Where is dp? In the Shed with his joint.Ok he said sorry,but that is not the point! Dp obviously wanted to get home for his needs not as I had thought looking after ds.

The house situation is abit of a power struggle as we have a bit of role reversal here if you are old fashioned.I OWN the property,dps name isnt anywhere

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Original poster
notasheep · 01/02/2006 22:50

Here I go again,dp is now talking about parties that are coming up.I am never invited

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MadMaz · 01/02/2006 23:19

Hi notasheep, wondered how you were. Sorry your dp is just not cutting the mustard at the moment. Its just not clear if his behaviour is going to change when he hands in his dissertation. Seems like you need to carve out your our fun on a rota basis if you can't spend the time togehter and making a list and being assertive about your needs is a good start. I have been thinking about the age difference between your children. Did you perhaps begin to carve out a life for yourself before no 2 came along when you found yourself chained to the nappy and feeding round again which has helped feed resentment?