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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Well DH got arrested last night.

20 replies

GinwillFixit · 07/03/2012 13:11

I hope this is rock bottom.

He was arrested for basically drunk and disorderly from what I can gather. He was essentially being stupid in MacDonalds after being out on yet another bender.

I had spoken to him at midnight and he was pretty incoherent and I thought he was getting a taxi home. I hadn't heard from him at 1am, so I tried calling but his phone went straight to voicemail. I thought the phone had died or he had switched it off. I sent a few texts to see if he was okay. Then at 4am he came in saying that he had been arrested for trying to get people to "organize the queue" in MacDonalds. Apparently he got lippy with a passing policeman and they handcuffed him and literally picked him up and threw him in the back of a police car, took him back to the precinct and booked him. He has a court case in April. It's a criminal charge but a misdemeanor. I don't really know what this means but he seems to think he got "lucky" and it will be nothing.

I posted a few weeks ago about my DH's drinking.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1408164-Alcohol-Not-sure-where-to-start

He still hasn't been to any meetings. He has seen a therapist but the only thing he got out of the meeting was that he can now smoke majuriana (sp.?). The therapist actually didn't say that, but that is what DH has concluded. So on the nights he isn't getting completely hammered he now is getting stoned.

Please pray this is rock bottom for him. It's ridiculous. So sad. He is throwing his life away. He is only 35.

OP posts:

TBE · 07/03/2012 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SorryMyLollipop · 07/03/2012 13:33

That sounds terrible, have you been to Al-Anon? its support for anyone who is affected by someone else's drinking.

Original poster

GinwillFixit · 07/03/2012 13:40

I don't have anyone I can tell. I haven't been to Al-Anon. I don't even really know where to start.
I guess firstly I will need to find someone to look after the boys whilst I find someone to speak with.
It is so isolating having a DH basically try to destroy himself in front of your eyes. He spent Saturday night telling me how useless I am and how "everything" is my fault and how I "never" support him. I am apparently a crap mum and a even worse wife.
I don't really feel that way about myself, but I do feel exhausted by it all both physically and emotionally. Putting on an "everything is normal" face all the time is wearing, not to mention the physical exhaustion from lack of sleep. I got 2 hours last night before midnight and then I was awake worried where he was for 4 hours, then he spent an hour telling me what happened, which of course woke up our youngest ... then DH passed out, then DS2 was awake until about 6am then DS1 woke up ...

OP posts:

CailinDana · 07/03/2012 13:41

That's awful :( I really hope it is a turning point for him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/03/2012 13:51

Your post, like many of this type, is mainly about him. What about you in all this and how you feel about him now?. Your feelings are of primary importance. You do not have to follow him down into his pit.

I don;t think his therapist said anything of the sort; this is how he has chosen to interpret the words spoken. He is not at all serious about wanting to address his alcohol problem; infact he likely thinks he has not got any issues at all.

Al-anon are contactable by phone; you do not have to go to any meetings. Please speak to them; they can help you here. Also alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy

You cannot save your H from this, you do realise this fact don't you?.

Is this the life you want for your children; all that is happening now is that you and your children are being dragged down with him. Being around a drunkard stoner is not going to do either you or the children any good is it, he is not an ideal role model at all for them to look up to.

Put your children and you first now, he is not your main priority. You are not responsible for your H when all is said and done.

There are no guarantees re alcoholism; he could well hit rock bottom and still decide to continue drinking even after potentially losing everything. You do not want to hang around the next year, 5 or 10 to see if he has any sort of epiphany when it comes to his drinking.

izzyizin · 07/03/2012 13:52

Do you have any family/friends you can take the dc and go stay with for a few days so that you can have some distance from this situation as time away from your h may help you gain another perspective?

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 07/03/2012 13:57

What will your rock bottom be, OP?

dreamingbohemian · 07/03/2012 13:59

I'm sorry, but I think you have to leave him.

Why do you think this will be his 'rock bottom' when he's saying he's got lucky and it will be nothing?

Before having DC, I had a long-term relationship with someone who sounds a lot like your husband. It lasted years before I finally ended it. Guess what, he is still destroying himself, ten years later. Not everyone hits rock bottom and if your husband can't stop for the sake of his children then perhaps he never will.

Don't waste these years of your life and don't leave your DC with such horrible memories and experiences.

If he ever does clean up, he'll know where to find you. But really, there is no debate or argument here. You must leave.

suburbophobe · 07/03/2012 14:00

Please pray this is rock bottom for him.

I'm with Attila on this. Where is the rock bottom for YOU?

How much more of this are you willing to put up with?

You have to put yourself and your children first now.

I'm glad you can call Al-anon too if you can't get out of the house for it.

All the best.

cestlavielife · 07/03/2012 14:11

stop trying to support him. you cannto. it is his problem to resolve or not. you cannot cure him.

the only people to support are you and your dc.

go to your gp and ask for counselling.

ask h to leave and get help - go find someone else to support him .

swallowedAfly · 07/03/2012 14:26

honestly i think the only sane and responsible thing you can do is to kick him out. tell him you won't have drugs in the house and won't allow your children to share a house with a man who gets so pissed he gets himself arrested and shows no sign of addressing his issues.

there's no rock bottom if you're letting him stay there and children do get damaged from being around this kind of thing. a home should be stable and predictable and safe - someone getting hammered and abusing his partner verbally can't be that.

tell him to leave and that he cannot be a part of the family till he sorts himself out and that you will provide contact at a supervision centre till then. let him see how serious this is.

Lueji · 07/03/2012 14:48

This is no life for you or the children.

As others said, what is your rock bottom?

It is actually helpful to define it now and to him, so that you know what to do when it happens and you don't have to debate with yourself in the middle of emotional turmoil.

He not only is not taking steps to get better but he is blaming you. That is terrible and it indicates that he won't change.

janelikesjam · 07/03/2012 19:09

*I hope this is rock bottom.

He was arrested for basically drunk and disorderly from what I can gather. He was essentially being stupid in MacDonalds after being out on yet another bender.*

I didn't read any further. Honestly, OP - I didn't have to, right? Please find a better place/space to be in.

janelikesjam · 07/03/2012 19:10

*I hope this is rock bottom.

He was arrested for basically drunk and disorderly from what I can gather. He was essentially being stupid in MacDonalds after being out on yet another bender*

I didn't read any further. Honestly, OP - I didn't have to, right? Please find a better place/space to be in.

AnyFucker · 07/03/2012 19:13

His "rock bottom" won't be until he has lost his family

Are you prepared to watch and wait while systematically makes that happen ?

Speed up the inevitable process, love...take some control and leave him/make him leave

Don't be frightened this will push him over the edge...the edg he needs to go over to make him realise this is what he risks

he is damaging himself, you and your dc's

he should do it somewhere else

bringbacksideburns · 07/03/2012 19:23

The doctor told him he needed to stop drinking or he would irrepairably damage his body and nothing changed. He comes from a family with serious drinking problems. It doesn't really look good does it?

I had a family member who went through this and it took many years and she did countless detoxes at home and in hospital, ending up in Intensive care, nearly dying.

Has he ever seriously done a detox or gone into rehab? Would he discuss it with you and do it?

Because if he isn't treating this seriously i don't think you can go on keeping it all together. It is not fair on the children. I don't know hold old they are but you need to put them first now and not him.

If he doesn't get help i wouldn't be sticking around doing more threads. You only get one life. Harsh but true.

Good luck.

neuroticmumof3 · 07/03/2012 19:48

Instead of asking what his rock bottom is you should be thinking about what yours is. Where are you going to set your boundaries? At what point would you remove his toxic presence from your life and that of your dc? He doesn't sound anywhere near ready to address his addictive or abusive behaviour so I don't think you should be holding out any hope of a sudden epiphany on his part. Start planning what you're going to do if he doesn't change or gets worse.

oikopolis · 07/03/2012 19:53

Please call Al-Anon, you need their support and wisdom, it will make the world of difference. You can get help from them via phone, and there are usually some meetings that have childcare arrangements attached to them. Since of course many times there are children involved.

There are also Ala-Teen meetings/helplines for older children. They are incredibly helpful.

I beg you to focus on yourself and your children, not on him. He is a lost cause until he decides to do something for himself. You really can't help at all. x

randommoment · 07/03/2012 20:15

I read your previous thread at the time OP although did not contribute as others had said it all just as well as I could. You've got a heap of good advice and loads of support coming through.

I think you need to arrange for him to leave the family home. This is trashing your life and your children's lives, and it is only going to get worse. He has had plenty of opportunities to start to address his condition and has failed to make any real progress. The thing about being told it's ok to use weed is horribly familiar, I remember my dear brother coming out with some twaddle like that when he was at about this stage of his descent into addiction. He is already living in an alternative reality to you, he really believes his own confabulations. Like 'organising the queue' at McDonalds.

I'm aware you're abroad, so some of our advice on practicalities will be no use, nevertheless Al-Anon is international, and if you want to let us know what country you are in we may be able to help you find something more useful to you.

Unmumsnetty hugs xxx

Archemedes · 07/03/2012 20:19

He has a serious drinking problem

and he has a go at you??

dispicable, leave him , where is your rock bottom??

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