Alcohol: Not sure where to start

[GinwillFixit]

Well my DH seems to have an alcohol problem. His father is an alcoholic who hasn't touched a drink for about 15 years and two of his uncles have died from alcohol related illnesses, one at 48 and the other at 55 (I think). His mother (in my view) also drinks pretty heavily most days. My DH suffers from anxiety and I think he needs the alcohol to boost his self confidence. He is very successful with his work, although it is stressful and we have two small children (aged 4 and 2). We live overseas. Not near either of our families which can be quite isolating, especially as we have moved around quite a lot and don't really have any support system in place, other than each other.

I guess I have been a bit consumed with pregnancy and children for the last 5 years so have ignored the obvious. DH has a really bad drinking problem.

He had quite a bad health scare last year whereby he ended up in hospital when he had an undetected stomach ulcer and it resulted in him having a blood transfusion. It was a high point of stress for him as we were spending months apart as a family due to work/visa issues. So unfortunately, at the time I was in a different country and wasn't able to physically be there for him.

Fast forward to a year later ... and a couple of months ago the Dr has put him on anti-anxiety medication and has told him that he must stop drinking before he does irreparable damage to his body. He drinks in excess of 2 bottles of wine a night, plus spirits if he can.

Since being told that, my DH is outwardly very contrite but seems to have started drinking more than he did before. It is almost as if now it is out in the open he has a justification for doing it. He says he is seeking help, but it seems that he is looking for a quick fix of some sort. He wants a pill to stop him from drinking.

I am not sure how best support him. I removed all the alcohol from the house with his blessing. I am currently on a health kick so am not really drinking much myself although I do still have the odd glass of wine. Should I stop drinking as well? Am I enabling him? He now goes out drinking on his own and stays out very late doing it. It really impacts our family life and my respect for him is dwindling fast. I know he has an issue. What can I do?

[balotelli]

yes you must stop drinking.
You must also let him know exactly whay damage he is doing to his health and to your dc as a role model and limiting their chances of having their father as they grow up.
You cant change him but you can help him when he wants to change.
He is an alcoholic.

[chocoraisin]

look at AA meetings in your country? You could go with him to an 'open' meeting in English - he might not think he 'belongs' but it could be a really helpful wake up call, and would help you understand what alcoholism is like from a different point of view (recovery).

international meeting finder

Other than that, I think he needs to be the one who asks for help - sadly unless it comes from him first and foremost there is nothing you can do or say that will help. You can also try //www.intherooms.com for a gentle intro (for yourself as well) to alcoholism from a recovering alcoholic's POV.

Consider getting yourself some support too if you are finding it tough - alanon/counselling etc , being the spouse of someone with a problem is super tough and it's not just him who will need hand holding to get through it.

[LadyMedea]

I think you need some support on this one. Get in touch with Al-Anon, I'm sure your local group would be a good place to start.

Has he actually admitted he's an alcoholic....?

Oh and yes, don't drink in front of him.

[GinwillFixit]

Thank you for your responses. I understand that it is a disease but I am just so pissed off with him.

We have spoken about AA and he has said when he is ready he would like me to come. Thing is, I am not sure I believe he will go and I can't make him

[chocoraisin]

no, you can't, however you can encourage him to find out about it. There are online video meetings he can watch (live) on In The Rooms so that may take some of the fear out of it?

[GinwillFixit]

Yes he has admitted he is an alcoholic in a more candid moment, but ... this is the bigger problem, since he has admitted it, it seems like now all he is doing is going out drinking or buying alcohol to drink at home.

I am beginning to think he may not be the only one with a problem though .. as I am also more than a bit cross that I can't just relax by having a drink in the evening anymore. I mean literally just one drink. I know that the quantity of alcohol doesn't define you as an alcoholic it is more the fact that you have to have a drink. Perhaps it isn't just his issue?

I essentially didn't drink for about 5 years because I was either pregnant, trying to get pregnant, breast feeding and sleep deprived and just not up for having a drink. I have only just been able to see the light at the end of the early child-rearing years tunnel and I was looking forward to a period of just kicking back and having a drink every now and again.

[Fairenuff]

The trouble is he may never 'be ready'. He has to want to do something about it himself. There is nothing you can do. He will keep drinking until he has had enough or it kills him. I'm sorry to be so blunt but there really is nothing you can do to help him.

What you can do is help yourself. Get in touch with al-anon and get some support and advice for yourself.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What fairenuff wrote.

He may well go onto lose everything and still choose to drink afterwards; he may never have any epiphany and you really cannot wait the next 5-10 years to find out. What you are doing now is propping him up and there are often elements of codependency within such relationships that are also unhealthy. Reading Codependent No More by Melodie Davies may well help you understand that dynamic more. You probably feel very responsible for him but you are not responsible for his actions.

Do not drink in front of him; that is enabling behaviour.

You also cannot fully protect your children from the realities of them having a parent who is alcoholic. Your children as they become older will become more aware of what is happening here and be confused by it. They could well end up with their own set of emotional problems as a result; they more than him need your consideration now.

Your H comes from a family of heavy drinkers; alcoholism can also be learnt behaviour and he likely learnt this and saw it as normal. He is not serious about seeking help at this time and he is also likely seriously underestimating how much he is drinking. He is also in denial of his problem like many alcoholics are. If he goes to AA he needs to go on his own and without any coercion from you; it has to come from him because any outside coercion is doomed to failure.

This is not a legacy you want to leave your children.

You cannot help him but you can help your own self by contacting Al-anon as they are helpful re family members of problem drinkers.

The 3cs re alcoholism which you would do well to remember:-

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

[Conflugenglugen]

I absolutely do not agree with the argument here that you should stop your own drinking - changing your own non-addictive pursuits to help him is the enabling behaviour, not the other way around.

Only the alcoholic can choose to stop drinking. You, on the other hand, can choose to take responsibility for your own life - for example, by joining Al-Anon. Changing your behaviour in the hope that it will somehow change his is co-dependency.