is there anything i can do? very concerned.

[mebythesea]

I need some advice regarding a rather delicate subject.
One of my oldest friends was sadly sexually abused as a child by her older brother, from the age of 9-13. She never told anyone and only recently has it been coming up for her. It was full on sex , not just touching. She confronted him about it and he broke down and said he was sorry etc that it was an escape from the other stuff going on in the family home. She seems pretty numb about it all. There was alot of other violence in their house, her dad regularly beat their mum up and dished out sreveer punishments to the children. They were a very middle class family who from the outside appeared 'normal'. Dad a doctor, mum a writer.

Basically ive just found out that the brother has qualified as a school teacher and is working with girls of a similar age as my friend when he abused her. This sickens me. Im right to be deeply concerned about this arent i?
Should i repport him? I have no evidence, other than what my friend has told me. She wont press charges, just wants to forget it and move on with her life. What would you do?

There's really only one thing you can do, support your friend in what she wants to do...

She wont press charges, just wants to forget it and move on with her life.

Do anything else and you risk wrecking lives.

I think it is a very scary idea that he is now a teacher. I would suggest talking to your friend and asking if there is any way to raise the subject again in terms of warning the school (or whatever the process would be)...it could potentially protect other little girls in the future. He is obviously a very messed up individual and he is not safe around children and he might do the same or similar to other little girls, and to have the potential ability to stop that from happening in the future can't (IMO) be ignored. One option might be for the brother to be told to find another career option unless he wants to be reported (probably too hard for your poor friend to issue an ultimatum like that, but you could). I appreciate that it is a very delicate situation, but it would be a 100% worse situation if another little girl gets to suffer at his hands as nobody did or said anything to try to stop it.

May I ask what the age difference is between your friend and her brother?

Who are we protecting ? Children need protecting. This could be your childs school teacher we are talking about. Any investigations would be discreet and if there is nothing for the appropriate investigating agencies to go on then that will be the end of the matter. We dont know if this person is aleeady known to other agencues in the past. This may be the final piece of a very big jigsaw. I work in this area - you should report to your local police - ask for the PPU dept.

I agree with Poppy in that the information must be reported to the CP unit of the Police. As an individual, and knowing this information, you have a responsibility to protect any further children from experiencing further harm. This man is a clear risk, not only has he admitted perpetrating sexual abuse he has also made excuses for it.

Not without sympathy, but your friends wishes are secondary to Child Protection risks. Tell her that you have to report it and the reasons why, then contact the police, please.

Thanks for your thoughts. I guess i was thinking along the lines of having a chat with the police, seeing what they thought the options were.
The brother is 5 yrs older, so should have known better, it wasnt just naieve experimenting that went a bit far.
To be honest i think my friend wont do anything. I have said to her what if he does it to someone else? She couldnt seem to even contemplate the idea.
I should also point out brothert lived in a cvertain south asian countrey known for attracting peadophiles. And her tyaught childern english as a forign language. :( looks like he is activly placing himself in situations where he could abuse.

That should have been ' he taught english...'

I know isnt it so awful makes me feel sick. When she told me about it so many things clicked into place about her and her relationships over the years. I could see how some part of her if still stuck at age 9, she seems trapped by it.

The thing is tyhey are still 'friends' , close. She feels she would be betrtaying him if she ever told anyone offically. Her fam is very messed up and all the siblings have big issues. Her twin bro is also a real car crash and i wondeer if older bro abused him too... I think she just doesnt want to open the wound up again.

I've been through this with several friends.

I come from a very dysfunctional family myself, so over the years have found I attract friends who have similar backgrounds to mine.

In all cases, I have just listened and supported my friend in dealing with the situation however they see fit.

For some this has been going no contact with their whole family, others have just cut out the abuser only or not done anything and tried to forget what happened.

I see what they tell me as their secret and not one for me to be revealing, my job as their friend is to support them in whatever they choose to do.

FWIW - None of them have reported the incidents to the police, they can't face everyone in the family knowing or blaming them any more than they already blame themselves.

If it was me, I would support my friend in doing whatever she wants to do and make no decisions regarding who to tell by myself. Good Luck. x

Hmmmm...been thinking.

In your title you ask if there is anything you can do...maybe not on the reporting front BUT...I'd encourage my friend to go to counselling that way they may feel better able to cope with what happened to them and perhaps one day feel strong enough to report the incidents themselves. x

Thanks. I have been supporting her as best i can, letting her talk, cry, get angry, and also have fun and encourage the good and positive in her life. She is doing really well and has really stared to get her confidence and self esteem back. I guess i am just worried for other little girls x

I know the feeling of worrying about other little girls mebythesea it's horrible, but you have been given some very privileged info' and a great deal of trust placed in your knowing this info'...if you divulge any of this before your friend is ready it could do her untold damage.

The only thing I can say if through my friend's reveals is it seems they have all been abused by family/extended family members...it is this thought alone that allows me to keep the info' to myself...it seems that the abuse from my experience is kept within the family so 'other little girls' in general may not be as at much risk perhaps. My friends all keep their own children etc as far away from the abuser as possible, even the ones wanting to pretend everything is Ok.

It's an awful secret for the abused to carry...but also for their friend, as the friend you really are completely powerless until the abused is strong enough to 'act'.

Be strong, do what you are doing for your friend and one day she may just speak up...I hope so anyway. x

Thanks. I have been supporting her as best i can, letting her talk, cry, get angry, and also have fun and encourage the good and positive in her life. She is doing really well and has really stared to get her confidence and self esteem back. I guess i am just worried for other little girls x

Sorry i dont know why it posted that twice. I totally get what you mean mizzyfrizzl. I of coursew wouldnt do anything without my friends permission. I jjust wanted to look at the options. Will post again later must do som?e work nw x

I know that I have got into trouble on here before for saying this, but I firmly believe that victims have a responsibility to speak out and report, if they have the mental capacity to do so.

How could you stand by and do nothing when other little children are at risk?

Hi Marie

I believe the victims have a responsibility to speak up also....emphasis on the victim...not anyone else...unless the victim is a child at the time of reveal...then it is the adult who needs to take responsibility IMO.

As for why people don't speak up....from my experience it's usually because the victim is at least as 'damaged' as the abuser - usually more damaged than the abuser.

The victim if not a victim would speak up...but they have been made dysfunctional by the abuse....so can't speak up until they feel able to admit/cope with everything.

I am no authority though...just a dysfunctional person with dysfunctional friends...so could be way off base - but that's my take on it anyway.

The stark fact is that unless your friend is prepared to corroborate your allegation about her brother, which seems highly unlikely at the present time, you have nothing to report to the police or any other authority except hearsay.

Without means to substantiate your assertion, if you were to make an allegation of this nature and your friend's brother came to hear of it, he would have a case in law against you for defamation of character.

I would suggest that you continue to 'be there' for your friend and steer her in the direction of www.rapecrisis.org.uk who are best placed to counsel her in this matter.

Tempting as it may be to imagine a scenario where your friend holds 'the last piece of the puzzle' to a covert police investigation, this is improbable as it is likely that any such enquiry would relate to an allegation of a more recent offence unless, of course, your friend is aware of any special interest that her brother displayed in her peers or towards another female child of the wider family.

Your friend has already displayed considerable courage in confronting her abuser and I have hope that, in the fullness of time, she may decide to take the next step and report him.

Does your friend have children? If not, it may be that should she have a dd of her own her current feelings may undergo a dramatic change.

I share your deep concern and desire to protect other children from suffering as your friend did at the hands of her brother but, nevertheless, there is nothing that can realistically be done unless and until your friend is able to find the courage to report what he did to her.

It needs reporting to the police and quickly. You have a moral duty to pass on what you have been told so that children can be protected, end of. This may put you in a difficult position with your friend but sadly that's just how it is. It is your duty to now pass that information on - this is not something that you can keep confidential.

What action would you expect the police to take if an alleged victim is unwilling to corrorborate an allegation that has been made against her abuser Selks?

I don't think the police would be able to do much Izzy. But that's not the point. If you look at this from a CP point of view, these allegation would need to be reported and recorded anyway, regardless of permission from OP's friend. It maybe that allegations have been made in the past but not proven (enabling him to continue to work with children), or allegations may be made in the future by a school child, which the current concerns could give more weight to.

The overriding concern is that this man is a risk to children, as a child sex offender. Thats the bigger picture, and he is currently working in a position of authority with children.

There is a huge issue with social responsibility in this country, where the public are not prepared to take ownership, and act upon information that they have. This ultimately places the most vulnerable people at risk, which could've been minimised or managed if concerns were raised.

It makes me shudder to think that this man is currently working with children, and some people are even contemplating not report the concerns!

i would certainly do as izzy had already suggested in steering your friend toward rape crisis - she may well feel differently about it all if she starts to explore and talk about what happened. In time, she may want to do more than simply confront him about it.

That aside, im trying to look at it from a police point of view. I think OP, in your position, i would still contact the police and raise your concerns. It may not go anywhere, it probably wont without your friend actually admitting what happened, but the police have to arse cover overwhelmingly.....and who ever you tell police wise will have to seek advice, and more than likely put a report in to some other department that deals with this type of 'griefy' thing for them to put more reports in to other agencies.

at the very least, an intelligence report could be logged based on the information given. I have to admit that im a little out of my depth on this one, but my over riding feeling as a police officer is that i would rather know and not be able to do anything than not know.....because i would be getting advice from other departments who deal with this stuff day in day out.

report and see what happens.

Thankyou so much for taking the time to post. Ithink i might talk to my friend about it again. And think that steering her towards rape crisis

I think you need to report him, and try to get your friend to report him for the sake of who ever he will rape next

Wups sent that by accident.
Will point her towardas rape crisis. Shes had some baaad experiences with counceling, people seemed to say the abuse was only a part of her probs and she should get over it. Not good when you feel not heard in the rest of your life.
Thanks vicar, you always give such good advice. Thats what i was thinking, that if it was at least logged in some way by police or other agency, if there is already or in future a query overe his conduct around children then there will be something at least for them to go on.....