sad but true

[inshockagainandagain]

I have namechanged for this.
H and I are splitting up, still in same house and will be for several months.
He's been very controlling oveer the years in subtle ways.
I have now discovered he's been buying womans clothing, a wig, underwear, waxing his body,etc
I'm sickened and fear for ds if anyone finds out

Sickened?! Fair enough it's a shock but come on...it's only clothing!

what sickens you most, OP?

Its not the clothing per se, it's what is represesents, the implications, living a lie for years, etc

i guess what sickens me most is he's not hiding it very well and ds is asking questions. Up to h what he does now, but i don't want poor ds to be affected

Some men like to dress up as women.

You are splitting up anyway. What's the problem?
Or maybe he has a part-time job.

Why fear for DS? Are you afraid of bullying or that he will be shocked?

He probably lied cos he knew you would react like this. What implications?

is he going to live as a woman now then?

how old is your DS?

Do you mean you think he's a transvestite? Or that he'd rather be a woman and now you've separated he's bringing it out into the open?

Afraid of bullying

Some women have short hair, dress in shirts and trousers and wear comfortable shoes. :-)

Dont know which mojit

what's the "meh" for ?!

Yes they do Lueji. But most men don't wear bras

Well, you and your stbx might as well sit with DS and explain what's going on, so that he can be armed if it comes out.

If you try not to freak out and support your DS I'm sure it will be fine.

Some men should.

Some of these posts are unhelpful.

There are two separate issues.

One is the sexual politics of another person. Fair enough cross dressing is something around in society and isnt any thing to be ashamed of, really.

However, most of us in relationships where we didnt suspect it was an aspect would be in terrible shock at the discovery. It is also reasonable to make a decision not to be able to live with it.

And the OP said he was controlling. Certainly he hasnt been honest, and probably has all sorts of issues which have impacted on her, through his wish to contain this.

FWIW, OP, I have nothing at all against cross dressing. But if my own h was doing this, it would make me see him differently, and I would question all that went before between us. I wouldnt want to stay, either.

I did know a woman once, years ago, whose h came out as gay after a same sex affair. She wasnt anti gay at all, but her own self esteem was shit to shit, and she even obsessed about whether her own 'straight up and down' body type had been part of her initial attraction for him.

Poor you.

I do think you will get over this, and may be in time come to see more clearly than some that the relationship breakdown was nothing you could have prevented.

Yes, how old is your child OP? Can you talk to your ex at all and find out the implications here?

shot to shit!

Thanks Fiventhree. It has been a huge shock and made me question our time together. if he's been honest about it, like so many other things, maybe it would be different. It's not that i'm against cross dressing, although in a partner i don't think i'd want it. it's just another thing that's been a secret and something i could never have imagined

You sound familiar - if I am right, you have already been given good advice on several threads but it seems you keep ignoring us and starting up new threads

You need to move on and stop being obsessed by things you will never get an answer to. Rebuild your life, develop your interests and friendships. If you find this hard, maybe you need to get help and see a counsellor.

I agree with HotChoc.

Whether or not your relationship with your h was based on one or many deceptions, it has a historic validity of its own and there is little point in tormenting yourself by questioning the content at this late date.

Whether it transpires that your h is a transvestite, a transexual or, as appeared may be the case in your last post, is into S&M, should no longer have any particular relevance for you.

In the interests of maintaining stability for your ds and lessening any confusion he may be experiencing with regard to his father's recently discovered penchant for waxing, until such time as you are occupying separate households I would suggest that you sit down with your future xh and establish ground rules such as confining his suspected cross-dressing to his own locked room, or changing after he's left the house and before he returns, while you continue to live under the same roof.

I would also suggest you explore alternatives such as your eligibility for HB if you rent another property until such time as a decision is made with regard to the division of marital assets when you divorce.

If that is not an option, you are best advised to act on the advice you've been given on previous threads to 'detach' from your h and his doings.

Thanks Izzy.
I told him i knew about it yesterday, and surprise, surprise there was little reaction. He says he only wear stuff in the house when me and ds are out. He has said it will not happen if we're in and he will keep all his "stuff" out of the house. I asked him why is was doing it and he sort of smirked and said he was "experimenting". Interestingly a solicitor i spoke to yesterday said in her 26 years as a family lawyer, most of the cross dressing husbands had displayed controlling behaviour.

It seems staying in this house would be the best oprion for the tie being, so yes, I am detaching myself from him and his activities.

I really think you need to be living separately. You can't be happy living like that and he needs time to get used to his new kink.

What are your reasons for not being able to live apart now, when you can in several months' time?