sad but true

[inshockagainandagain]

I have namechanged for this.
H and I are splitting up, still in same house and will be for several months.
He's been very controlling oveer the years in subtle ways.
I have now discovered he's been buying womans clothing, a wig, underwear, waxing his body,etc
I'm sickened and fear for ds if anyone finds out

We cant now as we need the equity from the house once its sold to fund 2 new properties unfortunatley

I'm trying so hard to detach from his activities but it's hard when he continues to lie, and also leaves "subtle" traces of his activities round the house.
he told me all this "stuff" would be kept in a locked bag in the boot of his car - it's not - it's in the boot but not locked away. There was even a handbag in there and 3 pairs of shoes and control pants.
have found waxing strips in the bin, nail files, tinted foundation, etc in his bathroom and ds tells me that daddy keeps cutting his hair off

As you know full well he's a liar, you're best advised to adopt a policy of not believing a word he says and letting his utterances wash over you without allowing them to disturb your equilibrium.

It's unlikely that ds or anyone else is going to delve into the boot of the car but, even if the contents did come under scrutiny by other eyes, what's there to see? It's only a collection of women's paraphenalia that is unlikely to cause raised eyebrows.

As for the contents of his bathroom, if you keep out of it, what he keeps in it is unlikely to worry you.

Why not review your finances and find youself and ds a rented property for which you may receive assistance from housing benefit. Talk to your solicitor about possible options.

yes, best not to believe anything unless i have proof in front of me - very sad :(
I think it would look very odd if anyone saw what was in the car! wig, size 10 ladies shoes, etc...
i still go in his bathroom as ds uses it too and i clean it.
I need to be here to keep the house looking clean and tidy when it's on the market

Other than yourself, no-one's going to go looking in the car but if he gets pulled over by the police he can explain the contents of the boot, if necessary.

You won't need to clean his bathroom if your ds uses yours, will you?

Similarly, you don't need to be living in the house until it's on the market and if he doesn't keep it clean and tidy in your absence, he can pay for professional cleaners to give it a blitz before you place it with an estate agent.

Take another look at your finances - if you don't get the hell out move asap, you're going to drive yourself nuts with pointless speculating as to what he's up to in his spare time.

FWIW, as I very much doubt that your h is a sweet transvestite from transexual Transylvania, my money's on his sudden penchant for waxing and cross-crossing being another of those attention seeking games some men play when they know they've been dumped.

cross-crossing??!!! WTF. 'cross-dressing'.

Mind you, as his wires are very definitely crossed somewhere in the dim recesses of what serves for his brain, maybe I should let my error stand.

All these years later, I still have a daily revelation about what was going on in my short (but very damaging) marriage to Weird Psycho Ex. Some people use your love and trust to twist your mind and mash up your identity, to a point where you can't trust yourself and aren't quite sure which way is up. More of him was secret than the part I knew, and even that part was fake.

Which is a wordy way of saying - stop kidding yourself you're worried about DS being affected by the cross-dressing, and start admitting you were married to a stranger. I know, it's a bastard. Join in the EA thread if it helps.

DS will be fine whatever his dad wears down the pub. But there may well be some long-running issues regarding control, trust, confidence and all that other stuff.

Is there no way at all of splitting the family before you sell the house? And have you done any counselling yet?

I very much doubt that your h is a sweet transvestite from transexual Transylvania

So do I! Love the way you put it, Izzy

If I thought that inshock's h looked like Tim Curry as Dr Frank-n-Furter, garlic, I'd take him off her hands myself .

I'm sure inshock won't mind me saying that her previous threads show that she's gone the counselling route with her h and has zilch to show for it which, given that it would seem he's got much in common with your plastic iceberg of a weird psycho ex, will not come as any great surprise to you.

DS will be fine whatever his dad wears down the pub.

garlic's spot on there, inshock.

I used to frequent a certain central London hostelry favoured by army officers guardsmen. Every Friday evening from c6.30pm a gentleman with short back and sides and moustache wearing a twinset, pearls, and pleated skirt, could be found propping up the bar while supping his pint - and it never did me any harm

thanks for all your replies :)
I don't know whether it's an attention seeking thing or if he really is into it. I'd say he probably is into it as he's bought so much stuff. The waxing thing kind of sums up that he does wahts important to him, not me. In the paast i'd suggested a few times he got his back hair removed (very very hairy!) - he refused. Now he's choosing to remove not just his back hair, but other areas too :(.
The first evidence i found of his new "interest" was a few days after the argument after my op, then it increased after i told him i knew about the job and then that i wanted to get divorced.
Garlic - yes sadly i do think i was married to a stranger and Izzy, your comments about a psycho, scarily could be true

Just wondered if anyone's there? feeling so incredibly low tonight. Night afr night (other than seeing friends) sitting in my bedroom, still living in the same house as him, is really getting to me. I wish i could fas forward life to when the divorce, finances, houses, all sorted. This is hellish

I haven't termed him a 'weird pyscho' as such, honey. I alighted on garlics words to describe her exh and it seemed to me that the pair of them may have much in common.

Has your solicitor prepared your petition to divorce and have you signed your Affidavit in support?

Do you have any friends/family that you and ds could stay with during the Easter holidays? Or can you rent a cottage or caravan for 7-10 days while he's off school to get you both away from the house for while?

Please don't wish your life away. With every second that passes we're moving away from the past and into the future, but don't lose sight of the present - use time productively and try live in the moment. Meditation may help you quiet your mind and achieve fulfillment in the 'now'.

I am guessing you have posted before and people are familiar with your story, as I'm surprised at some of the replies. This indeed would be very shocking to me, it does change the parameters of your past relationship and must be very undermining. However, you have two issues a) can you in any way get out of this living situation in the short term as selling and buying could take years? and b) in the longer-term this man is still your child's father and so if he is interested in cross-dressing or has issues with sexuality, you may need to explore these more to help your son with them. There are lots of sites on the web for people whose partners or children or exes are transvestites or like wearing women's clothes, as well as other 'varieties' of human experience.

But to some extent you need to isolate from this now, and build a stable unit with your son, and that starts with trying not to get caught up in what he's doing all the time. It is hard when you are still living together, perhaps counselling on your own to give you space to offload would help.

Thanks Mumsy. yes i'veposted alot before!
I'm hoping it will be months rather than years for selling/buying. Will speak to solicitor next week about other options though. I'm absolutley definite that i don't want ds to know about h's new "activities". The main reason being that if anyone finds out (and people always do) the poor boy could be terribly bullied.

Someone give me a slap.....I was feeling today that i still love (as well as disliking things he's done) h, but i know i must leave him...

As you've had more than a few rightful slaps round the chops with a wet fish over the course of your threads, I'm not going to get the late herring out of the freezer again.

The only person who can control your feelings about your relationship with your h is you.

You're best advised to take full responsibility for your own life and make decisions for its future direction without undue reference to the opinions of others.

Blimey Izzy - have you never had slight doubts about something even when you know it's the right thing to do

Of course I have but once I've made, and am committed to, a life-changing decision I resolve any niggling or lingering doubts myself.

If I were to rely on the opinions of others it's unlikely I'd ever make a firm decision, and it's likely that I'd allow myself to be talked out of any firm decisions I did make.

There's no magic wand or panacea for all ills and it has to be entirely up to you whether you stand firm in your decision or continue to waver.'

FWIW, there don't seem to have been many plus points in your marriage but, heigh ho, some couples rub each other up the wrong way along together for many years in unsatisfactory and unfulfilling relationships. That wouldn't suit me but who I am to judge what they're getting out it?

Inshock, of course you still feel love for your husband. Your lives have been meshed together, you are a loving person and there's a great deal of habit in it - and also proper 'love', too. My tummy still did a flip when I clapped eyes on X2, long after the divorce and when I was all clued up abouot what a manipulative freak he really was.

As well as all that, there's Stockholm Syndrome. It's a natural human reaction to feel something very much like love for our "jailers" - the people who abuse us and make us feel weak, helpless, trapped. We feel dependent on them and, instinctively, try to make the feel kindly towards us. It's a built-in survival mechanism. It isn't love but it feels just like it.

The thing to do is accept that feelings are NOT rational, neither do they dictate our actions. They're just feelings. They come and go :)