Attracting the wrong type of friends and how to make a break from them?

[PinkAndPurplePirateGirl]

Hello all

I've posted before on here about my problems in the past in making friends. I've had low self esteem for years, and have been having counselling for 18 months or so and am making good progress. In recent months i've had a fallout with several so-called friends, who had basically just been treating me with a lack of respect and like crap. I'm hoping that in time now I'm more self assured I'll attract a different type of person.

In the meantime I still seem to be stuck with a few hangers-on that tend to fall into two camps; ones that talk and talk about themselves and won't let anyone else get a word in edgeways, and what I call frenemies; those that make nasty digs and look for any opportunity to get in with a put down. They tend to be quite thick skinned. To be honest, although I'm glad I've fallen out with the friends I've fallen out with, I really can't be bothered with anymore hassle from anyone so would rather just look for an easier way out of the friendships with these others.

For example one mum often walks with me on the school run. She parks her car fairly near to where we live and often waits near her car for me to walk to school with her. Our DDs are friends. She is either chatting away at a rate of knots about herself or making snidey comparisons between our girls. This morning for example she waited for us, talked about her daughter the whole way, didn't ask how we were or anything about me, then suddenly launched into a 'isn't it so funny how my daughter walks so much faster than yours, must be because she's much slimmer' type of thing. I've been just not saying anything and walking along in silence and not acknowledging her comments (whereas in the past I've have tried to justify myself to her comments). Is this the best way to deal with it, by just ignoring it? She doesn't listen if I talk anyway. I then make a break for freedom once inside the school gates and if she comes to chat at pick up I make an excuse after a minute or two and go over to someone else.

Also another so-called friend has spent the past 7 years making nasty passive aggressive digs, priding herself on speaking her mind and not being a good friend at all at times. I had a big argument with her recently over how she speaks to me but somehow she is still clinging on there, phoning me and talking to me at the school. She is slightly more respectful to me now but I can see her old ways of speaking to me slipping back. I had my hair done the other day and when I saw her she immediately started saying how she preferred my old colour, and I just said 'Really? Well I like it'. Again our DDs are friends and she's not going to let go of me. I always say I'm too busy when she asks me to do things, I want to remain on good terms if possible. She'll phone up for a chat, be all nice then suddenly get a dig in about something. Am I best when she starts being unkind just saying 'Right, I need to get going now, bye' or words to that effect and ending the call? It's very hard to explain what she is like but basically she tries to make me justify everything - even myself at times - to her. She questions everything I do, then makes comments. For example my teenage daughter wants to do modelling and when I told her about it she did a horrible laugh and said 'Really? I thought that was something for very pretty girls'. I should just end a call abruptly when she starts being like that shouldn't I?

I feel I'm getting better at being assertive but I am still crap at walking away from things and about drawing a cut off point, I need to get better at, for example, ending conversations if I bump into someone somewhere, rather than always being the one that stands there happy to chat. Does that make sense?

If anyone could offer me some words of wisdom/reassurance it would be much appreciated.

I think the token response when faced with some of the comments you've given as examples is...

"Gosh did you mean that to sound as rude/nasty/unpleasant/unkind as it did?"

I think it would take a pretty thick skinned person to make some of the comments these people are making, so just ignoring them and ending the call or coversation will mean that they just won't get it and will carry on again next time you see or speak to them. You need to at least make them aware that they are making themselves seem like horrible people. You might even be doing them a favour.

If they can't take it and end the friendship then... big deal? Doesn't sound like you get much pleasure out of conversing with them anyway.

I would start by making use of the caller id on your phone and stop taking calls from people like this. If you have to see them at the school, just be distant and non-committal, talk to someone else. Life's far too short to engage with people who make you feel miserable. Phase them out of your life.

Thanks TooEasily and cornflowers.

I have to say that whilst I do like using the 'did you mean to be so rude?' phrase, on these occasions because I've had a lot of confrontation lately I'd kind of like to just phase them out really. Yes, will definitely be making full use of my caller id, usually one of my 2 older DCs gets there first but I'll tell them to stop answering the phone if it's the number of the one who keeps calling me.

I'm finding slowly that people like them, and others I've encountered just never change and I guess I'm better off finding new friends really and accepting they're not nice people aren't they? I seem to attract the wrong people. I had one friend that I thought was a really good friend but even she slowly introduced sting in the tails every so often. We were talking one day about a woman we both know and she was saying she thought this woman wasn't very attractive and then she just said out of the blue 'Of course, you are similar to her in some ways but you at least take a pride in your appearance'

I know I just need to ditch people like that.

I know this is going to sound really silly but in the company of people like the ones I've described I always feel really flustered and uncomfortable, which they undoubtedly pick up on and use to their advantage. how can i feel more relaxed in those situations and just let their ways wash over me as I know it's them with the problem not me?

I think that if you make a clear decision to phase these people out completely from now on, actually doing so will eventually improve your confidence and make you feel less flustered. Don't engage at all, if they speak to you, just be vague & disinterested & move on. Keep telling yourself that they are unpleasant and that you are simply rising above the unpleasantness. Focus on the people in your life who make you feel happy, positive and relaxed.

how can i feel more relaxed in those situations and just let their ways wash over me as I know it's them with the problem not me?

Just avoid being in their company in the first place.

It's a totally normal reaction for you to feel tense in the company of people who attack you.

Years of mindfulness meditation practice might make you serene enough to let their attacks wash over you. But you don't need to be a Buddhist monk: you just need to protect yourself. And I think that for you, for now, that just means steering clear from people who you feel uncomfortable and flustered around.

Thank you cornflowers, I think you're very right, that once I phase them out I'll feel more relaxed. I think I might start walking a different route to school for a few weeks, even though it takes slightly longer, or go by car, to avoid this woman and maybe it will break her habit of waiting for me too.

Thank you too, HotDAMN, you're right, I need to protect myself from them attacking me. I feel on edge even thinking about them tbh

Well I'm very proud of myself; one has just been trying to phone me and I've ignored the phone.

Good for you - they are nothing but childish schoolyard bully types (shame on them at their age!!). How pathetic of them. You should have a 1 strike rule with people like this - how dare they insult you or your children? I'd cut them off.

Good, keep it up :)

I've been through what you've been through, only I felt the friends weren't suitable because of the behaviours I saw them engage in rather that them being mean to me. I have eventually fallen out with them all. I found that nice people are hard to meet, I shouldn't have got so 'in bed' with them so quickly in the first place hence backing out was harder that it needed to have been. But really, you won't miss them, and it's OK to do this.

nothing to add, just wanted to say i think it's wonderful that you're changing how you relate to these people. many women just bumble along letting other women (or men) treat them like shit!

Thanks again everyone. I'm pleased to say i didn't bump into either woman at the school. I'm finding that I'm really pulling back from the whole 'school social scene' as it just seems to be so bitchy and at times a popularity contest. Whilst I used to like talking to as many people as possible and feeling popular, now I much prefer standing on my own for 5 minutes catching up on here on my phone!

I would agree that avoiding these people if you can is the best strategy. When you can't - keep your business to yourself. They sound a bit jealous tbh and comments from you about your daughter's plans/successes will just be a target to attack. Keep things as impersonal as possible and don't take it personally when they have a dig - they're just feeling bad about themselves and trying to bring you down to the same level. Limit the times you answer their phonecalls and also try not to be too long talking to them - it gives them less scope for getting info out of you and gettting some snidy comments in.

If you feel flustered practice living with it, just ignore it. You could try a visualisation of something protecting you or a quotation that reminds you that their nastiness is THEIR problem and has little to do with you. WHAT YOU THINK OF ME IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS is a good one. It's only their opinion! You're entitled to have a different one. I also have frenemies :(

Yes I think you're right that they are jealous. I'll definitely be trying to keep things impersonal when I speak to them, like you say there is no point giving them scope to get info from me when they will just turn it round into snidey comments.

I've also got a friend that seems to blow hot and cold with me; sometimes she is all friendly with me, other times she treats me like a stranger and seems almost irritated with me. I'm finding it hard to be myself with her because when I am me she seems irritated. Every Friday night our DCs are in the same swimming class and we usually sit together. Some weeks she is all chatty, and other times, like last night, she makes out that I really annoy her and doesn't really answer me.

We used to be really good friends, but suddenly about a year ago she started being really off with me for no apparent reason, I did ask what I'd done to upset her but she said nothing. She makes plans with me and always cancels at the last minute, then I think when she actually does do something with me I'm all grateful and go along with it.

I know I didn't do anything wrong. I think I've just been attracting the wrong type of friend in the past, surely if she was a real friend she wouldnt' be like that with me.

I just feel like giving up on the whole business of having friends, there doesn't seem any point and basically I just get involved with the wrong people and then stuff it up or they don't like me being myself.

PinkandPurple, I can identify with your frustration at this state of affairs with "friends" and "frenemies" (what is that by the way?)

Keeping your own counsel is good advice (above) - I only share personal stuff (e.g. plans, successes, failures) with people I do trust and like. I think if you have low self-esteem this is actually more important because one can feel a lack of confidence more easily if demeaned by others. And people who do not have our best interests at heart can be very jealous.

I have experienced most of what you have I reckon. A friend who only talks about herself. A friend who makes sly digs. A friend who "knows" you better than you know yourself and therefore what you shouldn't work at or study. And so on.

For me the key is putting yourself at the centre of things - not in a selfish way - but simply being clear what you will and will not tolerate - who and what makes you happy - and who you do and who you don't want to be with/talk to.

p.s. Counselling can be useful, but have you ever tried doing an assertiveness course?

Good luck

For a long time, I lived as a Nutter Magnet. For some reason, the only people who ever spoke to me or had time for me were people who were in and out of psychiatric hospitals. I had no self esteem and really felt worthless both personally and financially.
I agree with janelikesjam about the councelling. Your gp should be able to advise you. Get as much support as you possibly can and something somewhere will click, and you will be carrying a light to shine in dark places which will be yours and nobody can take it away from you.
I do have a friend who I find really very difficult. I think the feeling is mutual. She drives me nuts and there are so many things I can't talk with her about, but I love her very dearly.
People often don't know how you are reacting to them so you may have to spell it out a bit, the things you enjoy and the things you find hurtful.

Pirate Girl - big hugs!!!! I understand what you're going through. It is very unlikely that these "friends" will change/improve their behaviour. The key here really is to start to make new friends x

I identify with the whole feeling flustered thing. Bide your time. If someone says something mean, take a deep breath and say 'I beg your pardon?' or 'Sorry, could you repeat that?'

They'll either backtrack and become all flustered themselves (your reaction - smile enigmatically) or they'll repeat their rude comment. To which you reply, 'Yes. I thought you said that' (with slightly puzzled expression).

This is only of course when they've cornered you. Your best option is to avoid being cornered.

btw, you have sensitivity and self-knowledge. You could be a great friend

Oh, how horrible for you!

It sounds like you are on the right track though OP. I too have put up with terrible behaviour from so called friends and work colleagues. A few years ago I had a turning point and decided that I wouldn't put up with any more crap. After all, true friends support you and make you feel good.

Definitely screen your calls and take the different route to school to avoid these women. Avoid them at all costs! If you do have to engage then rise above the catty comments. Remind yourself that they can't help it - they're not as highly evolved as you!

Lots of lovely potential friends out there so don't give up hope!

I think you need to stop thinking of these people as friends. theyre not friends, theyre aquaintances at best. They dont seem to be bringing anyhing positive to your life so why entertain them? Why walk to school with them, why talk to them on the phone?

Just cut them out of your life and concentrate on the people that are important to you

Actively avoid these people, there's no point in going quiet on them in the hopes they get the hint, they won't, they'll just use it to talk more. As others have said, get caller screening, and perhaps take a different route or drive for a while to school to lose the other lady.

No-one is ever rude to me like this at the school gates, so please please don't swap these friends in for ones who are similar. There are nice people out there, perhaps get to know them very slowly and if you see any of the bad behaviour, quit before you get to the seven years. I also think the school gates is not always the best place to make friends as you end up with a lot of superficial chit chat and don't have much to talk about past the children (as these women do with you). Perhaps look to your work/hobbies/back at older friends as a better place to find nice people who aren't looking to put anyone down.

Thank you everyone for the excellent advice.

I'm feeling quite low about it all today really, especially the so-called friend that blows hot and cold with me and is off with me at times. She'd asked me if I wanted to meet up today with the DCs but when I woke up this morning I decided that I wasn't prepared to spend time with her when she is so up and down with me so I sent her a message first thing cancelling and saying something has cropped up.

Facebook always makes me feel really unpopular too, I think I need to come off there for a bit, all I see in the column on the right hand side of the page is people writing on each others' walls and tagging each other in statuses, but no one ever writes on my wall or tags me. It's one friend's child's birthday today and people are writing on her wall wishing him a happy birthday, but none of those so-called friends have ever wished any of my children a happy birthday.

I just feel like dumping anyone as a friend that doesn't meet a really strict criteria of treating me how I want to be treated :(