Hello all
I've posted before on here about my problems in the past in making friends. I've had low self esteem for years, and have been having counselling for 18 months or so and am making good progress. In recent months i've had a fallout with several so-called friends, who had basically just been treating me with a lack of respect and like crap. I'm hoping that in time now I'm more self assured I'll attract a different type of person.
In the meantime I still seem to be stuck with a few hangers-on that tend to fall into two camps; ones that talk and talk about themselves and won't let anyone else get a word in edgeways, and what I call frenemies; those that make nasty digs and look for any opportunity to get in with a put down. They tend to be quite thick skinned. To be honest, although I'm glad I've fallen out with the friends I've fallen out with, I really can't be bothered with anymore hassle from anyone so would rather just look for an easier way out of the friendships with these others.
For example one mum often walks with me on the school run. She parks her car fairly near to where we live and often waits near her car for me to walk to school with her. Our DDs are friends. She is either chatting away at a rate of knots about herself or making snidey comparisons between our girls. This morning for example she waited for us, talked about her daughter the whole way, didn't ask how we were or anything about me, then suddenly launched into a 'isn't it so funny how my daughter walks so much faster than yours, must be because she's much slimmer' type of thing. I've been just not saying anything and walking along in silence and not acknowledging her comments (whereas in the past I've have tried to justify myself to her comments). Is this the best way to deal with it, by just ignoring it? She doesn't listen if I talk anyway. I then make a break for freedom once inside the school gates and if she comes to chat at pick up I make an excuse after a minute or two and go over to someone else.
Also another so-called friend has spent the past 7 years making nasty passive aggressive digs, priding herself on speaking her mind and not being a good friend at all at times. I had a big argument with her recently over how she speaks to me but somehow she is still clinging on there, phoning me and talking to me at the school. She is slightly more respectful to me now but I can see her old ways of speaking to me slipping back. I had my hair done the other day and when I saw her she immediately started saying how she preferred my old colour, and I just said 'Really? Well I like it'. Again our DDs are friends and she's not going to let go of me. I always say I'm too busy when she asks me to do things, I want to remain on good terms if possible. She'll phone up for a chat, be all nice then suddenly get a dig in about something. Am I best when she starts being unkind just saying 'Right, I need to get going now, bye' or words to that effect and ending the call? It's very hard to explain what she is like but basically she tries to make me justify everything - even myself at times - to her. She questions everything I do, then makes comments. For example my teenage daughter wants to do modelling and when I told her about it she did a horrible laugh and said 'Really? I thought that was something for very pretty girls'. I should just end a call abruptly when she starts being like that shouldn't I?
I feel I'm getting better at being assertive but I am still crap at walking away from things and about drawing a cut off point, I need to get better at, for example, ending conversations if I bump into someone somewhere, rather than always being the one that stands there happy to chat. Does that make sense?
If anyone could offer me some words of wisdom/reassurance it would be much appreciated.