sex

[Mamansoleil]

Hi. This issue has been bubbling away for me for a very long time but it is reaching a point now where i am concerned for the impact on my mental health... basically, i love my husband more than anything. i find him attractive, and just perfect in every way. we get on brilliantly. however, i am less and less interested in having sex with him. ive never been particularly in to sex at all, he was my first and only so i have no idea how id feel about sex with someone else but i certainly dont look at other men. so, it is now reaching the point where i endure it, and it is starting to feel pretty unpleasant. i suppose im worried because its starting to feel bad for me, and yet i love my husband so much, i would die rather than leave him, and i dont think he can be happy without that side of our relationship. any thoughts?

Lube?

Have you gone off sex because you don't reach orgasm, or are you orgasming but not enjoying it?

You need to find what you like....

Head down to ann summers, take some time to read a bit, maybe get something to pleasure you just for you on your own.

Go home, turn on Sexcetra or rent some porn and watch and decide what excites you, a erotic film, a romantic love affair, dirty filthy sex.....

Find out what YOU like, dream enjoy and then introduce your much loved hubby to your new found world. Show him what you've found to be sexy, what turns you on and enjoy the experience and each other together.

good luck. x

Could it be a hormonal thing, have you had children, used hormonal contraceptives?

Or has your relationship changed at all, maybe you have fallen into a sexual rut and are not as excited by your husband anymore?

They're all things which can be remedied but I'd look at things like this before you go running off to the sex shop - if you have gone off sex for a reason then all the lube and fluorescent vibrators in the world are not going to help!

Tiny pants has a great point. Are you by any chance on the pill?

It could be hormones. Im not on the pill but i have ahistory of polycystic ovaries. Does anyone know what i can do if it is hormones?

I have PCO and also the constant raging horn, so it doesn't affect me that way. Are you on antidepressants? I am on citalopram which doesn't take away my desire, just (frustratingly) makes it harder to orgasm, but it can take away people's desire totally

All good advice, but I would also talk to your DH about how you're feeling. Nothing erodes a relationship like lack of communication and secrets. This is something that you should work through together so that he doesn't feel mistakenly rejected. There are many ways to display love and intimacy that don't involve intercourse.
Good luck!

Not on antidepressants. have three toddlers though so that could affect me in a hormonal way i suppose but to be honest this has been going on long before the kids. we have talked about my lack of libido over the years actually and i always put it to him that there is something missing in me which is actually how it feels because i adore him and think hes very attractive but dont want to have sex with him so surely there is something wrong with me! anyway, the point is its not a secret but i do think it would be the death of our sexual relationship if we talked about it too much because its the sort of thing that should just happen isnt it, rather than something you should analyse. despite the comments above, most of which i appreciate, im still at a loss as to what to do. i cant see myself watching porn really. its just not my thing. should i just put up and shut up out of love? I feel like thats the only option open to me at the moment.

Surely there is another option: To NOT have any sex with him. If you don't want to, you don't want to. And he won't die or anything.

not so simple. i love him, i want him to be happy. and what will it do to our relationship if we dont have sex? he travels a lot. perhaps he would stray... and then its not just me thats affected, its our three children. i think i need advice from someone who knows how to boost libido be it through medical means or something more practical. but i dont know. does no one else have this issue?

Porn would be a terrible idea because it often desensitises the user to real-life sex, so I'm glad you've rejected that idea.

If he was your first lover and you've always felt like this about sex, there could be a few reasons for feeling the way you do.

It could be something in your childhood that damaged the association you have with sex. This might be parental disapproval and shame about sex, something you saw or witnessed, or something you experienced but try to block out. Pyscho-sexual counselling could be very helpful in unlocking some of this. Would you be prepared to try that?

It could also be that your husband although lovely, isn't a very skilled lover and has simply never found a way to turn you on and experience the delights of good sex. This is not his fault - it could be that he had his own childhood legacies and he might have been as inexperienced as you. In which case, having some sex therapy as a couple might help enormously.

Of course having three small children and the tiredness that comes with that, will also be a factor and a 'pull' away from sex, but as you say, this isn't the core of the problem. However, is it possible that you could get babysitters and enjoy some more couple time, so that you keep some intimacy up, even if sex is off the menu?

Often, the reason a woman will post about her low libido is because she is worried that it will drive her partner away. IMO this shouldn't be your main concern and I'd encourage you more to think of it as giving yourself the gift of a great sex life, the benefits of which cannot be over-estimated!

It certainly can't be good for your libido to think of sex as a thing you constantly HAVE to do, willing or not, or else your partner will leave you. It's like prostituting oneself for the sake of the children.

Thanks hattytown. its rather apt you should mention it because i do keep wondering if something happened to me in childhood that ive blocked out... its not just my disinterest in sex but also for example i have extreme reactions to medical examinations which involve nudity such as during pregnancy or i cant look at myself naked. ive never known how normal/abnormal this is so its difficult to speculate on what could be the cause.

beriblue - not just the children, a wonderful man who i love and have loved for ten years and who loves me, and the whole life we lead together which is so wonderful (apart from this smallest of details of course). but you are right, its not good.

"It's like prostituting oneself for the sake of the children."

Um, she loves this man. Wanting to have a happy sex life with him is nothing like prostituting herself.

What an appalling thing to say.

I wouldn't die if DH refused to have sex with me anymore, but it would absolutely affect our relationship, in a very negative way.

"should i just put up and shut up out of love?"

No, I think you both deserve better than that.

Do you think counselling (a specialised sex-therapist maybe?) would help?

The way you talk about something being missing makes it seem like there might be issues to be dealt with.

plus, doesnt that kind of thing cost a bomb?

I think you misunderstood my post AThing. Sex shouldn't be a job, a chore, something to only doin order to keep husband happy and to make stay with you. If your libido is low at the moment, can't he accept that if he loves and cares about you?
Don't you think you would feel better if there was less pressure?

"Wouldnt it kill the naturalness putting it under the microscope like that?"

Kill the "naturalness" of you not wanting sex and doing it under sufferance and disliking it more and more, you mean?

I wouldn't have thought that "naturalness" was something worth saving, TBH.

i was referring to anything i might revive and my husbands experience.

You infer that talking about and analysing your sexual relationship will take away its mystique and spontanaeity and I see that attitude as part of the same problem. It sounds as though you and your husband never talk about sex at all - it just happens and nothing is mentioned before, during or afterwards.

It could be that you are both treating sex as something that is too sacred and mysterious even to discuss, when a better approach might be to take it down a peg or two and give it parity with other aspects of marriage and family i.e. child-raising, finances, careers, houses. Talking about sex as a couple tends to promote libido, but you perhaps both need to get over your discomfort and the reverance you accord to sex.

It does sound as though the sexual side of yourself has always been a part that you felt embarrassed to acknowledge and embrace. I genuinely think some therapy could help with that and might be able to unlock when and why this first started.

Do you masturbate? This is something that will help you to find what sensations your body responds to and will also allow you to become comfortable with your own nudity and the pleasure your body can give you.

Again, please note that the primary objective in this is that you find what makes you tick as a sexual being. It's a gift you are giving to yourself and shouldn't be done in order to prevent your husband straying (because you can't do that - only he can). Once you learn to embrace your sexuality and take comfort in the delight and pleasure it can give you, the effects that will have elsewhere in your life will be delicious bonuses; an open and enjoyable sex life with your husband, greater intimacy in your relationship and crucially, better parenting because I presume you don't want your children to grow up feeling ashamed and embarrassed about sex?

You see, while it's helpful to see sex as a positive thing and not something mysterious and sacred, it is an aspect of ourselves that has the power to impact on so many other sources of happiness and wellbeing. Because of that, it's something well worth investing in and giving the same (if not more) attention to than all the other 'bits' of life, like parenting, friendship within and external to marriage, careers, money, houses.

Hattytown, i dont take the view that i am a worse parent because of my low libido. I wont allow my own issues to filter down to my children. Im perfectly aware of how i should behave or what i should be saying in the presence of my children to promote a healthy attitude to nudity and sex . Thats all i going to say on that point, and given that you felt it appropriate to scaremonger in this way, apparently to bring me round to your point of view, Im going to step away from this discussion now as Im not sure im listening to the right person.

I didn't suggest once that you were a worse parent because of your low libido and I can't see why you have taken that as an inference. I do think it's possible that your discomfort with nudity and sexuality might leak out in a myriad of different ways to your children, but that's got nothing to do with your libido.

I also think you have been spectacularly ungracious and rude to someone who took the trouble to respond to your dilemma and attempt to help you, so there is no need for you to step away as I have no intention of giving you or this thread any more of my time.

Do you tend to feel attracted towards women ? I went through a bisexual phase once when I lost all interest in my husband sexually but was attacted to other women. It resulted in a sexual relationship with another woman but surprisingly it got my sex life with husband back to life!