So how important is sexual compatibility in a relationship?......

[detoxneedednow]

Hi everyone. Yet another question for you.

I've been posting a lot recently on here about my problems with dp and something that seemed to really stand out for me and that kept coming up, was how we don't seem to be sexually compatible.

What may confuse you is that actually(as i've mentioned before) when we do have sex it's usually really good, so in that sense we are compatible. The problem is the build up. Dp never and I mean NEVER backs off. He's always touching me suggestively or slapping my bum if I bend over to pick something up for example. Now, i'm no prude and at 27 I would like to think i'm in my sexual prime, but he doesn't seem to understand that the constant fondling is what's turning me off. I've told him so many times, but he just says he can't help it. I know..........what a cop out!!

I would say on average we have sex around once every 3 or 4 weeks, which i'm not happy with and he's certainly not happy about it. Ideally I would like around twice a week. When we first got together it was more like twice a day and sometimes more!! You know what it's like when you first get together, you're rampant!

We've really had our issues recently and the sexual side of things had definitely gone right down the list of priorities of things to sort out. Well, dp's controling his temper more recently and his work is really picking up, which were 2 huge issues which needed sorting. We're not arguing as much and we're just being generally nicer to one another. So, the scene should be set for a night of passion any day now............but I just can't get that flame lit, or more to the point dp can't. It sounds so harsh because he does try, but it's not in a way that I can respond to. His idea of trying is, like I say, constantly fondling me and telling me how sexy he thinks I am. It's just not doing it for me. Of course it's lovely to know you're so desired by somebody, but I would much rather have the occasional suggestive pat on the bum or a subtle compliment which wasn't always sex related

So how else can I get across my point other than telling him straight that I don't like it and that's the reason why i'm not responding to his advances, which i've already done countless times!!!

I don't want to give up, but it's like i'm talking another language.

Any advice?

Thanks for reading.

Do you know what you would like? Is it something you can explain to him? Maybe he thinks that carrying on like that is all he can do to gain your interest, especially if it works for him.

You seem impossible to please. Do the poor boy a favour and leave him. He'll find a woman who's delighted that she's the object of his desire.

your dp and mine should have a chat as they obviously think the same way. maybe telling him nicely you don't like the way he tries to turn you on and show him how to turn you on touching gently etc.

its hard when you just don't feel like it and all they do is pester you

It reads to me like he has a lot longer to go to demonstrate change to you, and until you feel hot for him mentally / emotionally, you may not physically. As for should you tell him openly that you don't like something, YES! If you want to save things, tell him and give him it straight, including the bit about his behaviour. But first off has it been DV at all, in which case telling a man this is an issue, he would need to be the one to tell you in that case, because you wouldn't be able to tell him to do that and expect him to succeed. He has to want to change himself there...

I definitely know what I like and I tell him a lot that all I want him to do is back off a little, but like I said, it doesn't seem to make a difference. I'm not sure that makes me impossible to please

I think most women would agree that foreplay isn't actually always sexual. For example, if we've been getting on particuarly well and he's been really considerate then that's something that will eventually get me in the mood. I really don't think i'm asking much.

I really snapped at him the other week because every morning I kept waking up with him pushed up against me with his hands all over me and i'd had enough. He was really shocked, but i'd had enough of it all the time. Of course that would be a nice way to wake up sometimes but not all the time. He seemed to take it in at the time and even apologised, but again said he couldn't help it, but he'd try. Skip forward to now and he's still doing it! The more I think about it, the more angry I get, because i'm starting to feel like a piece of meat.

Next time he does it give him a back-hander in the ball bag and then say "Ooops, sorry, I couldn't help it!"

I have told by bloke before that being groped is very unsexy and just makes me want to push him away. He has responded to this thoughand also he isn't like this often as if he was I wouldn't be with him.
I would tell him that if he wants you to find him sexy he has to stope groping you like a seedy old man. Benny Hill does not work as a sexual role model. Mr Darcy in Pride and Prej doesn't get his woman by constantly groping her and telling her she looks sexy. The odd smouldering look whilst you get on with life and are helpful works much better.
If he has always been like this why does it now irritate you/ why did you decide to live with him?

I think if my bloke was groping me every morning I would feel harassed and would be looking at seperate beds.

I think having sex every 3/4weeks has just made him very horny for you. I dont think I would be able to go that long inbetween as its a large amount of time imo. Do you still fancy him?

Im quite horrified at some of the responses youve had . Yogis suggestion that you are impossible to please and that another woman would be delighted to be groped constantly is absurd and offensive .

In my veiw you do not have an issue with sexual compatibility , you have an issue with a partner who does not respect you and does not listen to you . You said that you have repeatedly told him that you dont like it , yet he disregards this and continues to grope you anyway with the lame excuse that he cant help it . Thats bollocks .

I think Op , that you need to be very aware of the fact that your partner is CHOOSING to do something to you that he knows you dont like . Each time he gropes and fondles you against your wishes he is asserting his right to touch you whether you like it or not . He is also doing this in the full knowledge that it turns you off and makes you less likeley to want sex with him , im assuming he then whinges about the lack of sex , despite the fact he has made it so .

Unfortunateley Op , this is a common game played out by many abusive men . He does not find you so attractive he cannot keep his hands off you , he is deliberateley bullying you , and is in fact frequently assaulting you if this groping is against your wishes . He does not have the right to sexually touch you if you do not want him to . The fact that he feels entitled to sexually touch you against your wishes or while you are sleeping is very very worrying .

Its not ok to grope and fondle a sleeping person , you do not exist to service his cock , this constant groping reduces you to nothing more than a body to fuck on , no wonder you are getting angry , you should be .

Having been in your position , i would watch out for this touching becoming more persistant , and eventually rages or insults when you wont comply . You are being abused Op , please ignore suggestions that you are impossible to please or that you should be gratefull .

I'm kinda with Diggs on this, but not totally. I agree that you do have an issue with a partner who doesn't respect you. If you are telling him to back off and he "NEVER" backs off, then that's a BIG issue. Presumably the only way to stop him would be to physically resist and once that's the case then you have to classify what he's subjecting you to as assault.

Where I disagree is the question of sexual compatibility. Foreplay is as much a part of sex as the nitty gritty bit. You need be compatible in all aspects of it, and you're not.

If you recognise your man as one of the abusive men that Digg's describes, and you think he is in fact deliberately bullying you, and you are dealing with numerous other issues that have been the subjects of other threads (which i haven't read), you might know what you really ought to do.

And now I have skimmed the other threads.

If you are still not attracted to him, still have no interest in him, still spending your days flirting through gazing at other men, and still have all those other issues, then take the advice numerous others have offered and depart.

Don't worry, your craving for attention on MN will be satisfied through blow-by-blow accounts of the breakup.

That's all from me. Seriously folks, read the other threads before you waste your time here.

Yogii, if you think you're wasting your time then don't bother posting. I seriously couldn't care less. I find posters like you beyond offensive. I am NOT attention seeking and completely resent that. If you really can't be bothered with it then don't bother, but don't accuse people you don't know of being a bad person. I think we'll leave it there.

I have mentioned on another thread about how I found myself becoming more and more attracted to other men and actually this is what linked on to this thread. The more and more I thought about it I was starting to realise that the reason was that my sex drive had not dwindled atall, but my relationship with dp wasn't great to say the least and obviously this included sexually, so I suppose I was bound to fantasise a little about others. I didn't do anything about it though, because I still want to fix things with dp and I genuinely hope I can. I know i've been posting a lot recently, but like I say I was just trying to figure out my feelings, with a little help from other mumsnetters, which I have had a lot and for which I am really appreciative. There's so much to lose. Dd has special needs and routine is very important to her. I'm not sure how she would cope if her daddy suddenly wasn't on the scene.

Anyway, diggs I understand why you have this opinion. I really hope you're not right. I told him again last night that I wanted him to stop doing it and he just asked why I didn't fancy him, but the thing is I do, just not when he's just not taking the hint. You're certainly right when you say it's disrespectful. I can't argue that. I know he loves me more than anything, but i'm not sure how much I can take. I almost just did it last night to stop him whinging, but I thought that would be a slippery slope so I just declined.............again. I know he relates me not wanted to sleep with him with love or lack of. Of course that's not the case. I love him so much, but I can't understand why he doesn't understand.

Why is it that (some) men think that when they are married or living with someone they can dispense with all the 'courting' stuff and expect a slap on the bum to drive their woman crazy with desire? One of the things that creeps me out most when I see couples out together is when the man 'cups' the woman's bum - there is something so creepy about it and it's definitely not sexy. Being treated with courtesy and respect is a turn-on. Doing things together that you enjoy and can share is a turn-on. Add to that some humour and then some subtle teasing and flirting if the mood is right. And hey presto - the sex will follow (assuming there is some sexual attraction).

Why do so many men not understand that crude comments and grabbing of body parts is simply not attractive. Why don't they teach this sort of stuff in schools, it would save everyone an awful lot of bother?!

Hi Detox hate to say this but he's probably not listening because he just doesn't bloody want to

If my DP did all that groping stuff (shudder) he'd get such a dressing down it would put him off for life

I know he relates me not wanted to sleep with him with love or lack of.

I disagree Op . I think it is an excuse he has wheedled out many times to justify what hes doing to you . Even if that was true , it is no excuse . Its all about him isnt it .

So youve told him again that you dont like it , hes bleated about you not fancying him , and you nearly caved and did it anyway to shut him up . Hes not going to stop Op , and the likelihood is its going to get worse .

What sort of man wants sex with an unwilling partner ? What sort of man continually gropes at someone who does not like it ? Youve told him enough times that it turns you off , yet he continues . He could have mutually nice sex that you both want , but he doesnt want that . This is not about sex , but is about power and control . The only sex he does want is sex that you DONT want . He is deliberateley making it so .

Pressurizing someone into sex is abusive . Groping someone against their wishes is abusive . Not listening to how a person feels is abusive . Continuing to do something that someone doesnt like is abusive .

Stop the assumption that he doesnt understand . What is there not to understand exactly ? Claiming not to understand is the common whinge of an abuser , and it works . Hes not thick . Of course he understands its not ok , otherwise he would be groping every woman in sight wouldnt he . Stop assuming he doesnt understand . He is deliberateley trying to piss you off .

Next time he claims he doesnt understand suggest counselling to discuss it and watch him go pale and flat out refuse or tell you your mad , or not normal .

How severe is this groping Op ? Does he remove his hands when you object or are you having to forcibly remove him ? Does he very quickly do it again ?

tadpoles, well said!!!

I'm not a feminist or a man hater in ANY way, but it's not bloody difficult is it! Stop grabbing me all the time and pay me a little more non sexual attention and you you might actually get what you want dp!! I'm pretty sure i've used those exact words already though and obviously they haven't worked.

Hi mojito I know really that he doesn't want to listen because he's obviously getting some amount of satisfaction from 'copping a feel'. He thinks that because i'm probably not going to be putting out later that that's all he can hope for EVEN THOUGH i've explained to him that it's the constant 'copping a feel' that is getting him nowhere.................and me for that matter. I want sex too, but not the way things are. I know i'm repeating myself a lot here, sorry!

Seriously though, he's not a bad person, it's just that for whatever stuuuuupid reason, he just doesn't bloody get it! There must be something I can say or do that I haven't already tried!

Are you sure you don't want to throw in the towel detox? He's getting right on my nerves and I don't have to live with him

I rather like being constantly groped and get a bit sad my DH is not like this, wehave the house to ourselves most evenings now and when he sits on a different sofa or onlyputs his arm around me I feel quite insulted. We are all different.

Diggs, again, I can understand why you're saying what you're saying. Are you speaking from experience on this? personal or otherwise. I really don't think he wants to have sex with me when i'm not willing and there have even been times whilst we're having sex and we both knew really I wasn't particuarly in the mood before hand and he's just stopped and said that he didn't want to carry on if I really didn't want to do it. I think that's quite telling. He was genuinely really upset last night when he asked me why I didn't fancy him. Close to tears in fact. I really do know what you're saying diggs, but I really don't feel like i'm being abused. Disprespected?......yes definitely and you could of course argue that constant disrespect is a form of abuse, so maybe i'm wrong. I just don't feel that way. I am definitely going to try a different approach tonight though. I will mention that some could call it abuse and see how he reacts. O

Oh and forgot to mention diggs, yes he will stop reluctantly, but will usually start up again a few minute later.

higgle, I guess that sums it up really doesn't it. We all want somewhere in the middle I suppose. When you're getting constant attention you don't want any and when you're not getting any, you may feel like you want it constantly Trust me though, it would soon piss you off!

mojito yes, I have thought about leaving on lots of occassions, but it's really not that simple. I'm not sayin it is for anyone, but when you have a child with SN, you really can't just walk away. It would completely send her world upside down.

Oh and forgot to mention diggs, yes he will stop reluctantly, but will usually start up again a few minute later.

What does that tell you Op ?

Your following post is full of contradictions ie

I really don't think he wants to have sex with me when i'm not willing and there have even been times whilst we're having sex and we both knew really I wasn't particuarly in the mood before hand and he's just stopped and said that he didn't want to carry on if I really didn't want to do it. I think that's quite telling

He doesnt desere a medal because he stopped having sex with you when he knew you didnt want to . The point is , why did he even TRY to have sex with you when he knew you didnt want to ? Really , why ?

And its not normal for a grown adult to sit around bleating about not being fancied , there is nothing for him to base this on is there . Im assuming he gets lots of air time about this while he bleats tearfully while your feelings and upset blatently get ignored . Abusers can turn the terars on in a heartbeat .

When will you consider it to be abuse Op ? When he physically forces you or beats you ? There has been many a thread on here like that and in fact theres one at the moment . He is already forcing you and subjecting you to unwanted sexual contact . The fact that there is no violence or threats is neither here or there , that is whats happening .

And yes , i speak from personal experience unfortunateley . I would urge you to recall how things have creeped up to this point , you wouldnt have even noticed it happening .Sureley he wasnt like this initally ? When you eventually become immune to his bleating and bogus tears he is highly likeley to step things up . He wont for now because what hes doing is effective .

You may find that he starts sulking , or that he starts insulting you calling you abnormal , a prude , frigid ect . He may start getting angry , causing a scene that is likeley to upset your daughter . Eventually his reluctant removal of his hands will escalate to grappling and arm wrestling , and you can imagine the rest .

All this " copping a feel " sounds absoluteley disgusting and very juvenile . I strongly suggest you read " Living with the dominater " or " Why does he do that " both books explain whats going on here .

Op , consider this , if i genuineley thought my partner didnt fancy me the last thing i would do is grope him all the time . I would listen carefully to what he said and work towards making things better . I would not grope him while he slept or do anything else that would make the situation worse or upset him further .

Yours is doing ALL the things you have told him not to . If you had a teenager blatently doing things you didnt like you would quickly come to the conclusion that you had a power play on your hands and youd deal with it effectiveley .

Bollocks to he doesnt understand . He understands everyone else in his life perfectly , except you . Im certain he is able to understand his boss for example. In your shoes the only aproach i would take is that it stops , right now , and that if it doesnt you will reconsider whether you want to be in a relationship with someone who feels you should be groped constantly against your wishes .

could you maybe turn it on its head and grope him at inappropriate moments like when your out with friends etc. hopefully he will click what your on about. i really hope something happens soon to end your torment or it could turn nasty.