So how important is sexual compatibility in a relationship?......

[detoxneedednow]

Hi everyone. Yet another question for you.

I've been posting a lot recently on here about my problems with dp and something that seemed to really stand out for me and that kept coming up, was how we don't seem to be sexually compatible.

What may confuse you is that actually(as i've mentioned before) when we do have sex it's usually really good, so in that sense we are compatible. The problem is the build up. Dp never and I mean NEVER backs off. He's always touching me suggestively or slapping my bum if I bend over to pick something up for example. Now, i'm no prude and at 27 I would like to think i'm in my sexual prime, but he doesn't seem to understand that the constant fondling is what's turning me off. I've told him so many times, but he just says he can't help it. I know..........what a cop out!!

I would say on average we have sex around once every 3 or 4 weeks, which i'm not happy with and he's certainly not happy about it. Ideally I would like around twice a week. When we first got together it was more like twice a day and sometimes more!! You know what it's like when you first get together, you're rampant!

We've really had our issues recently and the sexual side of things had definitely gone right down the list of priorities of things to sort out. Well, dp's controling his temper more recently and his work is really picking up, which were 2 huge issues which needed sorting. We're not arguing as much and we're just being generally nicer to one another. So, the scene should be set for a night of passion any day now............but I just can't get that flame lit, or more to the point dp can't. It sounds so harsh because he does try, but it's not in a way that I can respond to. His idea of trying is, like I say, constantly fondling me and telling me how sexy he thinks I am. It's just not doing it for me. Of course it's lovely to know you're so desired by somebody, but I would much rather have the occasional suggestive pat on the bum or a subtle compliment which wasn't always sex related

So how else can I get across my point other than telling him straight that I don't like it and that's the reason why i'm not responding to his advances, which i've already done countless times!!!

I don't want to give up, but it's like i'm talking another language.

Any advice?

Thanks for reading.

I did say that I would consider the posibility that this was actually a form of abuse. I'm obvioulsy not comfortable with it as i've never really thought of it that way before. Like I say, I just found it annoying, frustrating and once again, disrespectful.

I guess the reasons for not seeing it like that before are because deep down I really feel like I know him and I know that he wouldn't want to hurt or humiliate me. I'm not saying it's right, but I think he sees stroking me intimately(sorry for the details) in the morning for example as a normal thing that couples do, so when I ask him to stop because i'm tired for example and I just want to bloody sleep, he takes that again as a rejection, even if he knows it's not going to lead anywhere. But he sees it as innocent, I know he does. Yes i've explained countless times that I don't see it that way. I think he almost sees it like a bad, but harmless habit such as leaving the toilet seat up, or picking up wet towels etc. It doesn't really matter how many times I ask him not to do those things, he still does them anyway, because he deep down he doesn't think they really matter. I know you'll hate that analogy because you'll probably think i'm comparing myself, or more to the point he's comparing me to something inanimate, but it's the best way I can describe how he's probably feeling. Of course it's my body and if I don't want him to touch me then he shouldn't touch me, but I think he thinks the day you don't want your partner to touch you intimately, is the day that your relationship is dead and buried, so he keeps 'trying', or as you'll no doubt correct me..... abusing. Maybe you're right, I really don't know and obviously I hope you're not.

I'm going out with him in half an hour and i'm going to bring this up in a different way. Like I said earlier, i'm going to mention the word abuse and see what happens. I was even tempted to show him this thread actually. Would that be such a bad idea?

What do you mean 'intimate stroking' in the morning. Do you mean he is touching your, erm, ladygarden, when you are asleep? Does this involve external touch, or is he actually penetrating you to any degree?

If this had happened in my (ex) relationship, despite my having told my ex that I didn't want it I would have felt completely violated. He sounds pretty vile tbh. Something that my recent-ish breakup has really taught me is that women excuse a lot of shit behaviour by normalising it, rationalising it for whatever reason, blaming themselves etc etc. But once a relationship is truly over and you look back at their behaviours, you suddenly see that actually it was utterly shit, selfish, abusive behaviour.

Sorry, that is expressed really badly, I have a horrible headache. In short, he sounds like a twat OP and I'm sorry you are going through this. You need some external viewpoints on this because you can't see the wood for the trees at the mo.

As you know Detox I've been following this thread with you and the other one you wrote the other day.

I have also sat on the fence to see what may transpire. It really doesn't look good sweetheart. So much unhappiness and drama for you, you must be exhausted.

I know it's not easy when you have a little one with someone as we all want to keep the nuclear family together but at what cost?

Try to sit back and stop enabling him, see him for what he is. You we don't deserve this.

Op i found that last post of yours quite upsetting to read . You are persistantly excusing him by claiming to know what he thinks and feels and what motivates him . You cannot possibly know that , and you are judging him on his words , not his actions . Stop focusing on whether he thinks its normal or not , it is not ever normal to molest a sleeping person and in fact it is the hallmark of a sexual abuser . He is telling you it is normal to manipulate you , to make you feel you are over reacting while he continues with the grope grope grope .

Even if it was normal ( which it isnt ) it doesnt matter . YOU dont like it so he shouldnt do it , end of . I bet he does penetrate you while you sleep . You sound like you do not have basic rights over your own body . Your wishes are constantly ignored and disrespected . This relationship is deeply unhealthy and damaging for you . One day you will look back and be outraged at what you have put up with .

When you speak to him i bet youll have just minuites before he turns the talk to himself . How hurt he feels , how he cant help it , he just fancys you so much , how he feels this and he feels that , he cant understand ect bleat bleat bleat , probably with tear filled eyes and the occasional snot . He wont isten to you , he wont stop , and he wont take any responsibility for what hes doing to you . Claiming to not be able to help it sounds pitifull . He sounds like hes the victim type and wants you to cater to him and feel sorry for him .

Abusers regularly claim they dont understand peoples objections to being abused . You have to fight to be heard , and it makes no differance how you phrase it or what reasons you put forward , they still aparently dont get it . The bottom line is they will only stop if you give them a good enough reason to , and seeing as they are in charge , no reason you put forward will ever be good enough . You are focusing on him not understanding . Of course he does , give him some credit . At the very least your relationship is verbally and emotionally abusive .

And where is your daughter in this ? Do you have a house with soundproof walls ? Do you think she does not hear you saying get off , stop it ect ?

omg diggs i never thought of that how heartbreaking would it be for her little girl to think this is normal behaviour within a relationship because mummy never stopped it. sad very sad.

Hello OP - bit late to the thread but just wanted to say that it feels like I could have written every single one of your posts not 18 months ago.

I spent a decade with a man doing the exact same things and using the same excuses every time I asked him to stop.

Back and forth to the dr I went for advice on my non existent sex drive (keenly encouraged by ex's whining about how unfair it was he wasn't getting enough sex from me)

MN has taught me that it wasnt me, he was doing it deliberately and yes I agree it was abuse. Especially when I consider the amount of times i gave in for a quiet life and found out he was happy to carry on without any participation from me.

Applying the word abuse still gives me a red hot flash in the bottom of my stomach but it's true.

Please don't put up with it, you sound strong and smart but with this continued bullying can erode self esteem and self respect quickly.

everyone, no he usually just touches around that area, top of the leg or around my breasts. He's never gone that far! I think I would kick him out there and then if he did that when I made it clear I didn't want him to!

Diggs, I really don't know how to respond to your last post. I know you're just concerned and I appreciate that and of course your time posting. I suppose i'm just a little in shocked because i've genuinely never thought of it in this way. I feel a bit numb right now to be honest.

Last night was awful. Not in that way, but the way the conversation/argument went. We actually started off quite well. We weren't talking about that at the time and we were laughing and joking and getting in really well. That doesn't happen that often so I just thought to myself, not tonight. I'll bring it up another time. Then he mentioned something sexual and I felt like I didn't have a choice but to say something. I said that he needed to see it more seriously as it's becoming a huge problem and I feel offended and disrespected by his constant fondling etc. His answer to that was that "it was too tempting". I was furious and for two reasons. One, what was her refering to when he said "it" and two, does he always just give into temptation then?! He explained that he meant the situation and not my arse. I still wasn't happy, obviously. He then went on to say that if he stuck to his side of the bargain and backed off a little........or a lot, then i'd better stick to my side of the bargain!! " Better?!!!" "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!! " How dare you" We were out at the pub at the time, so you can imagine the looks we got. I really didn't care at the time. I felt completely broken, humiliated, disappointed beyond words, my emotions were all over the place and I really wanted to say that that was it-it was over. He then back tracked and said that what he meant was that he was going to find it difficult to back off so much and would feel completely unmotivated to carry on if I didn't respond, ie have sex with him more often. I was still so angry with him. I burst into tears mid sentance because I actually couldn't believe he'd said these words. Anyway, we left with me hysterical and him angry that i'd made a scene.

He obviously felt bad about it because he was being really attentive this morning. Is there anything I can do for you? Do you want a coffee bringing up? Do you want me to take dd to school this morning so you don't have to rush round so much? etc etc. Still bloody furious with him.

God, I don't bloody know!!! Where on earth do I go from here? I don't know how dd would cope if we broke up. Like I mentioned before, she has issues and the change in routine would upset her beyond words. Just for the record, she's never heard any of this, I am 100% sure. I would do anything for her. she is my world.

Good that you brought it up Op .

What did he mean by youd better keep you end of the bargain ?

Basically that if he stopped being so gropey, that he expected me to put out more..............in a nut shell.

He is of limited intelligence? Could you say to him 'I told you I was offended and felt disrespected and that this is becoming a huge problem to me' and you responded in Benny Hill style 'It is just too tempting, phnar phnar, ooo matron' type manner. Now either you are the stupidest man on earth or you are purposely pretending not to understand what I am saying in order to downplay your continuing abuse, now which is it?'.

Then ignore his answer, and leave the bastard.

You and your dd deserve better and he sounds like an utter prick. He either has the emotional intelligence of a slug or he is extremely manipulative. Either option is pretty grim OP.

Oh dear OP , i was hoping that there had been some other bargain suggestion , perhaps who would make dinner or something .

I would not dismiss the idea that he made a sexual remark deliberateley to spoil your evening . Hard to contemplate i know , but in light of the numerous discussions , your constant objections , there is no way you were going to be anything other than insulted . You also said you were getting on well , something that doesnt happen too often . Do consider , no matter how painfull it is , that he is doing this on purpose to upset and degrade you .

We tend to think of abuse as outright anger or violence , or a man telling us what we can and cant do . Its not always so , its insidious and can occur under the disguise of caring , helping , or wanting to be " close" by having lots of sex . Its quite clear to me that he is controlling you , not in the typical way of demanding where youve been , but in the way of deliberateley upsetting you , continuing to do something you dont like . He wanted you to be upset and he wanted a reaction , which he got by purposeley goading you to the point you burst into tears in public . That is indeed very controlling behaviour .

As for being nice this morning , i am inclined to think thats simply the abuse cycle occuring . Im assuming he didnt want to talk over last nights events ? If my partner burst into tears in a pub i would be horrified and id want to sort it out .

I would suggest having the conversation that Everyone suggests , and i really would say it as straightforward as she has . . I would also buy the book by Pat Craven , and read about the methods used by The Sexual Controller . Im sorry to say that i think you will see your partner in that .

Obviously its up to you how you move forward with this , you may want to try more , you may want to get counselling or you might contemplate life without him . Whatever you do though , be assured that your daughter will cope and adjust , and it is far better in the long term that she does not see this sort of unhealthy relationship moddelled for her . This is my biggest regret .

everyone, he seems emotionally void at times, rather than of limited intellegence. I'm sure your question was rhetorical, but actually he does struggle sometimes to understand certain things. I'm not making excuses for him, i'm just being factual. His dad is 100 times worse. I've even questioned whether or not he could be on the autistic spectrum. I noticed this more when I was researching dd's behaviour and dp's dad and dp to an extent ticked several of the boxes. So maybe i'm more sympathetic to certain behaviours because I'm already seeing it as a condition rather than simply a man being a bit of nob........or a lot. I've gone off topic slightly I know. I'm talking more now about his personality in general rather than the original problem, but I believe they are related.

Diggs I didn't think, oh wow he's being nice to be this morning, he must have turned over a new leaf. I've seen and heard it all before. What was interesting though, was when we discussed it last night, he really didn't understand why I had become so upset. I didn't really get an apology, more an explanation for his confusion. He also said that he would definitely never do it again and sounded more believable and less sulky or sarcastic this time. I guess that has to be a positive.

Of course i've been wondering whether or not it's too little too late, but I suppose I feel like i've made some sort of progress, so maybe now isn't the time to make any rash decisions.

I'm feeling quite sad today though and I don't know why. If things are a little better, why would I still be feeling like this?

I know nobody can really answer that. I struggle anyway with depression and anxiety so i'm used to this feeling I suppose. I just wish it wasn't so much. It makes difficult times like this almost unbearable. I don't feel like I know where I am or where i'm going.

Op does you P have similar issues at work , with freinds ?

He can do yes. Not so much with at work, but with friends. He's a very loyal friend and will always be there for you if you need him, but he tends to say whatever is in his head sometimes and he usually cringes when he looks back at it, or when I remind him what he's said. It's almost like he doesn't have that filtering process that most of us have when we think of saying something rude and or inappropriate. He's much better than he used to be, but it's still very much an issue.

Theres a thread on here called " Can Aspergers look like emotional abuse " or something similar , might be worth a read if you havent already . I too pondered the same about my Ex , he was also a bit socially clumsy , but realisticly , i know that if he was told to stop doing something at work , or to a freind , he just would . Whether he understood the reasons behind it or not , he would respect the persons right to say No . He only claimed to not understand it when i said No .

I have actually been pointed in the direction of that thread before and similar ones. I found them very intersting to read and yes, I definitely related to them. I think I mentioned before that dp is very aware and has accepted that something about him is not quite as it should be. To use his words "i'm not wired right". He has dyslexia and i'm pretty sure he has ADD too. All these conditions can be linked to autism/aspergers. He definitely hyper focuses. He will avoid reading the newspaper for example because if he's not interested in something he can't seem to absorb it. On the other hand he could read an instruction manual and would remember it almost word for word.

Obviously I can't just excuse his bad behaviour, aspergers or not. However, I do think it might explain a few things.

Diggs, could you see any other traits beside social clumsiness in your ex?

Im not sure . Something wasnt right with him , i think it was more to do with charecter than particular difficultys , and an overwhelming sense of entitlement .

If HE thinks hes not wired right , then sureley he has a responsibility to explore that further ? Even if he was on the spectrum that would neither explain or excuse his abusive behaviour . Hes been told to stop thousands of times by what youve said . Aspergers does not make a person deaf or unable to understand No .

As i said , there is definateley something not right with my ex . Im inclined to think hes an abusive charecter who has some social difficultys as well , , i do not think having needs made him abusive . I honestly think the two are unrelated .

Have you got the older man OP?

No Posie, we're the same age. Why do you ask?

With my lovely compassionate head on, I did think of something like ADD - though, as mentioned on the other thread, I've given up fretting about which label to apply. My other head says this man is acting like a CHIMP, not a human!

Maybe show him that along with the rest of your thread??

I was confusing you with another poster, sorry.