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Original poster

does sex make a marriage?

32 replies

Helenfellows33 · 05/03/2012 16:13

need some advice really since having my dc's (they are 2 and 7 months) i have not felt like having sex with my dh. he works away in the week and says twice a week us not enough and our marriage is basically in tatters if i don't feel like jumping him every five seconds. i have told him how exhausted i am with looking after the house and children (i don't have help in this from him apart from DIY that sort of thing) and he just says I'm making up excuses and not listening. i would happily be together take the pressure off and cuddle etc but that's not enough either. so according to him its put out or clear off. what would you do? is a marriage without sex still a marriage?

OP posts:
ABatInBunkFive · 05/03/2012 16:14

Wow he sounds lovely. Hmm

Tbh it doesn't sound like he's doing much listening either, what does he expect sex on tap?

mummyinspain · 05/03/2012 16:17

so just to get this clear?

You are on your own with a 2 and 7month old, for a proportion of the week, with no DH to help, and you are still managing to have sex 2 times a week?

Your a hero! He's being a bit of a prat!!

What was everything like prior to your youngest?

Has anything changed, ie is the working away a new thing?

Could he be feeling very insecure or jelous (sp)?

He is going to need to talk about this in a calm manner when sex is totally NOT on the agenda. Could you go out for the evening just the 2 of you? Or maybe a MID morning coffee might be a better idea....no implied sex!

worldgonecrazy · 05/03/2012 16:22

Sex is icing on the cake for a marriage, I'm sure some marriages function perfectly happily without it.

I also think you're a bit of a hero for managing it twice a week. Your husband sounds selfish and childish. If he really has said "put out or clear off" then I'd pack his bags for him, unless he's able to sit down and discuss it in an adult-manner.

UtherTheTerrible · 05/03/2012 16:22

So are you having sex twice a week but he is complaining that this isn't frequent enough for him?

I wouldn't say this is about sex but about him not listening to you and dismissing your exhaustion and attempts to communicate. I think it's pretty foul to give ultimatums about sex to someone who gave birth seven months ago and is juggling two children and a household. Dismissing all of this and making it about how often he gets sex shows a complete lack of respect you and what you do. It's just about what he wants here. Totally wrong.

Original poster
Helenfellows33 · 05/03/2012 16:27

when we first met a had a raging sex drive. i wanted it all the time i needed it like air, and he loved that about me. its only since dc's its gone, took a holiday and not told me it was going. he has worked away in one way or another since ds was six months but that was for any thing from six weeks to twelve weeks at a time. now its monday to friday back friday afternoon so he see's more of the dc's. i have also tried talking but as u said he thinks we would be better apart if there is no sex on the cards. totally gutted to be honest. i think he is bu but don't know what else to do.

OP posts:
Tmesis101 · 05/03/2012 16:39

Hi Helen, I hope you won't shoot me down if at first I just suggest a few things from his point of view - he is telling you and not someone else how he is feeling, that is good, he wants sex and still finds you attractive, that is good.

What isn't good is that he is not really thinking about how you are feeling, how damn tired you are and how you feel your body is not your own. The ultimatum is a bit childish when your DC is just 7 months. Hmm. What I would suggest is that you tell him just the plain facts about how you are feeling and let him absorb that.

After that, to be blunt, see if something like a handjob would keep him happy until you feel like taking part more. The problem is that this is the point in relationships where things can begin to fall apart, with the man wanting sex (with you) and if he doesn't get it the relationship changes and he may look elsewhere, then whatever happens there is no going back. It doesn't mean you're a slave if you try to address his sexuality, it means you're trying to address an important part of your life with him. After all, you got together in the first place in the context of a sexual relationship, didn't you. All luck to you, H.

mummyinspain · 05/03/2012 16:40

My Dh once said the following

"men need sex to feel love, and women need to feel loved to want to have sex" its gods little joke.

Right seriously YOU both need a weekend with NO expectation of sex (you like every women I know) will not want sex when you feel pressured into doing it. He needs to understand that sex is a very small (but important part) in a realtionship. Most relationships (MINE included) would be at it like bunnies at twice a week. He is being unrealistic and I suspect it is because he hates being away so much, but you are not going to know what is at the route of the problem if he WON'T TALK!!!

larrygrylls · 05/03/2012 16:44

Tmesis,

I think that is rubbish. No one has a right to sex, male or female. You are in a relationship for life and most sensible adults accept that there are going to be sexless periods within it. And, to be honest, who is going to feel like sex if it is demanded or made a condition of a continuing marriage, like a contract. Shock headline: men and women can and do manage without sex. They have when they are single and they can if they need to within a relationship.

I think, over time, sex is important within a relationship. However, it is catch 22. If sex is demanded, it is never going to be pleasurable. To get good sex, people need to be patient and love the person for their other qualities first and foremost, without a sexual condition.

The OP's husband sounds dreadfully selfish and childish, to my mind, and deserves to have his bluff called.

joanofarchitrave · 05/03/2012 16:47

OP, are you OK with twice a week? Is that more than you want at the mo, or is it something you are basically happy with?

Original poster
Helenfellows33 · 05/03/2012 16:49

i suppose i could do that tmesis but i don't think a hand job would be enough. from the conversations i have had with him he complains that i don't "want" him any more. he needs to feel wanted, by the time we have time alone and the kids are in bed i can barely keep my eyes open. even if i did want to tiredness takes over. can't really offload the dc's as my rents live over an hour away and i won't leave them with just anyone ds is very highly strung. i just feel like I'm banging my head against a wall.

OP posts:
Original poster
Helenfellows33 · 05/03/2012 16:53

twice a week is fine. we are quite adventurous when we do, so i don't see what the issue is surely quality is better than quantity.

OP posts:
ABatInBunkFive · 05/03/2012 16:58

Tmesis - sex twice a week isn't no sex. Hmm If he wants a hand job he can do it himself surely.

I'm not sure what you can do OP if he doesn't want to listen to your POV. He isn't going to get what he wants from anyone forever, why does he think he will?

Chandon · 05/03/2012 17:08

It is his job to help you switch off and get in the mood!

It is hard with small kids, and he is not helping you or himself by putting pressure on you.

Instead of demanding sex, why doesn't he ask if he could give you a massage or a glass of wine or both, and take it from there?!

I would make such a good husband...

joanofarchitrave · 05/03/2012 17:30

Perhaps he (and you?) need to be sure that this will pass. I would totally agree that twice a week is not the same as no sex. However, if he is mentally extrapolating the graph off the end of the chart ('used to have it all the time - a year later it's twice a week - 6 months' time it will be nothing, eek') he might need a little reassurance that the first year with a second child is a rather exceptional time Hmm

Did you have a similar dip of any kind after your first baby?

I am trying very hard to see it from his point of view because tbh I think most parents of such EXTREMELY young babies (not even children yet!) would consider twice a week to be a very, very, very good average (restrains self). He needs to think a little longer-term.

toddlerama · 05/03/2012 17:42

So he is only home Friday night, saturday and sunday. You have small children at home so midday sex is presumably out of the question. You are having sex 2 out of 3 available evenings. I think you have been entirely reasonable!

In answer to your question, it depends on the marriage. Is there enough 'else' in your relationship or does it feel lacking?

Original poster
Helenfellows33 · 05/03/2012 17:46

didn't dip at all after ds but i wanted to get pregnant ASAP again and he was working away for long stretches so it wasn't an issue its only after my dd i felt differently, i did say earlier if i could back to the way it was i would :(

OP posts:
LordLurkin · 05/03/2012 17:54

Sorry but the OP's husband is being bloody unreasonable and stupid.

It took a good year for my DW and myself to get any form of regularity back into our sex lives after the birth of either of our DD's, and that was with both of us supporting the other and co-parenting.

As for giving him a hand job? Why the hell should she, he is more than capable of sorting that out for himself. If he wants their sex life to return then he need to stop the pressure and help his wife a damn site more. And then if he is luck and hasnt put her off being so much as in the same room as her, he might just get laid.

Hellfire in those early months I think we as a couple managed less than once a fortnight. Twice a week is a lot to expect when a mother (or father) is shattered from caring for two very young highly dependant children.

Original poster
Helenfellows33 · 05/03/2012 18:13

we have our differences toddlerama, but nothing major. we spend all weekend with each other or dc's he just thinks that we should do it more when we are alone. in his words we both love each other so what's the problem. when i say I'm knackered he thinks I'm just making excuses.

OP posts:
mummyinspain · 05/03/2012 19:38

could YOU go away for the weekend? Leave DH looking after the DC. might give him and idea of how tired you are?

Original poster
Helenfellows33 · 05/03/2012 19:51

no he wont change nappies and has zero patience. he is really good at what he does and i cant ask for anything else in our relationship he does his thing i do mine. it would show him how hard it is though.

OP posts:
mummyinspain · 05/03/2012 19:55

and there in lies your problem.

"he does his thing I do mine"

god no wonder you are tired

Angelico · 05/03/2012 19:57

Your husband needs a serious reality check Hmm

So he won't change nappies, has zero patience and thinks you should do everything child related? I think twice a week is generous given your circumstances!

cobwebthegrey · 05/03/2012 22:30

In answer to your OP Sex makes a marriage closer, but doesn't make a marriage. What DOES is compassion, understanding and respect...

Diggs · 05/03/2012 22:44

so according to him its put out or clear off.

I think i would clear off Op . If your only worth is between your legs youll be better off without him .

Original poster
Helenfellows33 · 06/03/2012 09:10

I'm not going to leave him digs. i will be having a nice meal wine and a long chat when he comes back friday. The stupid thing is he tries to make the situation totally my fault and after speaking to MN i know its not. he needs to understand how it will be and if he can't cope. he can take it from there.

OP posts: