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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband keeps asking me to leave then changing his mind

46 replies

Jipjones · 04/03/2012 10:46

We've been having problems with our relationship for months now and I'm sleeping in the spare room. We argue almost constantly and I never know what to expect from him. One minute he is lovely And the next he picks fault with anything just to start an argument. Last night he told me he wanted me to leave and go and live with my parents( this is the third time) I agreed that things between us have reached a point where its a horrible unhealthy wnvironment for both of us and our two children. But I said it was unreasonable for him to expect me to leave. My parents live 45 minutes from ds's school. He replied loudly ( in ds hearing) that he will have to change school then. He's done it before. Understandably ds was pretty upset.

Then he started to say it was entirely my fault, that he hates me and I am a depressing person who is always miserable and have been ever since he met me. (why on earth marry me then?) the only reason I'm a bit down is because our relationship is so bad. He says I have changed him and make him say mean things to me, that he was never t his. way before.

He told me to stop stringing it out and just go, he can't bear to look at me. Won't have me moving to be near ds school because he never wants to see me again.

I called my mum and explained he aituation(she knows what's been going on) and she said of course we can stay with them for a while.

AND THEN...

This morning he has been lovely and said he doesn't want us to leave and we owe it the children to try again.

Don't know what to think or do or what to make of his bizarre behaviour. Don't want to let ds's down but I don't know if I can just push everything under the carpet and carry on?

Any advice would be much appreciated.

OP posts:

buggyRunner · 04/03/2012 10:49

Why should you leave? Get him out!

He either has psycological problems or he is a twat- make the decision for him- tell him to go

Methe · 04/03/2012 10:51

Speak to a solicitor and get him out of the house!

Original poster

Jipjones · 04/03/2012 10:53

Thanks for your replies. The problem is we can't afford to pay for him to live anywhere else and hi parents have no room so he says he has nowhere to go.

OP posts:

DialMforMummy · 04/03/2012 11:01

Don't let him call the shots every time.
Get some legal advice and if you decide to stay do it on the proviso that you are going onto couple counselling.
But quite frankly, I'd probably make a move. It's much healthier for your DC to be elsewhere reasonably stable rather than in an environment where it's one day good, one day bad, one day downright ugly. Hearing all that abuse followed but niceties the next day, is not good for kids emotional well being.

LilacWaltz · 04/03/2012 11:18

You are no longer together..... There is no 'we' can't afford.... You need to separate your finances

Does he work? You?

2rebecca · 04/03/2012 11:23

Agree with lilac. The marriage is over, you need to see a family law specialist and look at separating finances and selling house. Neither of you can force the other out but it sounds like time to formalise the separation procedures and talk like adults about where you go from here. Don't argueabout whose fault it is. Neither of you wants to be with the other, the marriage is over, you will both be poorer and see less of your kids.
That's what life as a divorced parent is like initially.
If you both decide to make a go of it it sounds as though you need Relate and alot of talking and rediscovering what attracted you to each other initially.

AnnieLobeseder · 04/03/2012 11:24

I wouldn't put up with that kind of shit. Tell him you're not putting up with his emotional abuse any more, that you are staying in the house as that's what's best for your DS, and that he can fuck right off. The finances for his new accommodation are not your problem any more.

He's the one ending the relationship. He's the one who needs to move out.

DialMforMummy · 04/03/2012 11:26

I like your style Annie.

Original poster

Jipjones · 04/03/2012 11:27

Lilacwaltz -thanks for posting: I don't work but am applying for things at the moment. He works full time but we dont really have any money left over after paying bills etc

I do think you are right dialmformummy, want to leave thinking I've tried everything I could to make it work. Don't want to look back with regret wondering if we could have made it work. I would like him to go and see a doctor too I think work stress is contributing to making him act this way.

OP posts:

faeriemoo · 04/03/2012 11:36

It sounds like your marriage is definitely over. I'd look for legal advice as to where you stand re the house.
Or if you are both willing to give it one more go, you need to book into some form of counselling asap.

Good luck.

70sLadygarden · 04/03/2012 11:38

You've had some good advice already Jip. Absolutely agree that he should move out, not you, as it's him that wants to end it.
However, if this behavior is out of character, then it could mean that he is depressed about other stuff, like work as you mention. Often people try and blame the most obvious thing I their life, such as their marriage, for their unhappiness when really it is other factors such as work pressure or childhood memories that are really the issue. It's easier to blame the easier target.
Whichever, he is behaving really unreasonably and needs to a) leave and b) get help.

LilacWaltz · 04/03/2012 11:44

If you need to move out , you could

Approach council... Housing register or rent assist scheme.. To secure accommodation. You could do this from your mums

Short term... Benefits. This is what they are there for.
Long term...employment but you will still get dome help
Child maintenance. ( is this the thing which is making him change his mind so often?) he will need to pay you a fair whack

ElusiveCamel · 04/03/2012 11:46

You'd be letting your DSs down by letting them continue to live in this situation ...

As far as I'm concerned, someone gets one chance and one chance only to tell you they want out. I cannot imagine staying with anyone after that. Why on earth would you? I cannot stand people who think threatening to end a relationship is OK. My husband did it once in our relationship. I asked him if he really meant it. He said no and I said 'if you ever say it again, know that it is going to happen'. Seriously, either you stay (and actually make a real effort at sorting your relationship that doesn't involve him just 'being lovely' sometimes, with proper counselling and an understanding he cannot ever do this again, not once) or you have to go.

Tryharder · 04/03/2012 11:51

He really expects you to move out taking the children with you and go and live with your parents while he stays in his nice, comfortable house? Tell him to fuck the fuck off. Tell him he wants to end the relationship, he should go. He can get lodgings for about £70 a week in a shared house.

LilacWaltz · 04/03/2012 11:54

I would go.... Never mind the house. A new start is better than being at his beck and call as he sounds a bit controlling!!

You stay in that house and he will be in and out for this that or the other messing with your mind, keeping some control. It won't be a complete split. Just my opinion

Bucharest · 04/03/2012 11:54

He wants you to go so he has a roof over his head and gets to keep all his lovely money for himself.

That's not going to happen while MNers are here to advise you.

Get yourself tooled up legally (because it sounds like he is clueless, as well as being a prize twat)and then help him pack his cases.

Doha · 04/03/2012 11:59

Agree with other posters, his finances are not your problem. If he wants the relationship over HE can leave. Where he stays is not your problem.
Get legal advice ASAP whither or not you agree to try again because l think you know this will hapopen again where he wants you to leave. Better be forearmed with all the legal information to know exactly whwere you stand.

TBH it sounds like the relationship is over and you DS will be affected will all that is going on right now.
No court in the land would make you leave the house not when there is a child involved unless you wanted to.

What do YOU want to happen OP

Dee03 · 04/03/2012 12:18

Agree with everyone else....u need to seek legal advice.
He is abusive, I've been where you are but my xp kept threatening to leave (my house) then the following morning act like everything was ok again....then one time he said it and I agreed....he moved out the following day and I just felt relief.....no more toxic emotional games....and I made it very clear if that he was not welcome back...ever!!!
Good luck. You and ds need to be happy and stable and not listen to all that rubbish.

Lueji · 04/03/2012 13:23

He expects you to leave with the children?

Solicitor!
He can sleep under the bridge.

If you are not prepared to kick him out yet, I'd make it conditional of couples counselling and him not telling you again to leave.

Otherwise it will become a rolercoaster for you and a way for him to blackmail you, effectively.

Original poster

Jipjones · 04/03/2012 13:53

Thank you so much everyone for your advice. I have spoken to him and agreed to try one last time and if there is ANY more asking me to leave then I'm gone. I'm not so sure about making him leave the house. It's his house and he had it long before I came along. I would rather try to move closer to ds's school if I need to and my parents have said they would help. I would definitely ask for him to support ds though. Is that really Pathetic? I want us to be on the best terms we can be if we do have to split, he will be in my life forever.

Interestingly he suddenly became 'Ill'this morning. Maybe it's reallyean but not sure I believe him. That sound so bad but can't help feeling he is just manipulating things the whole time

OP posts:

faeriemoo · 04/03/2012 13:55

What are you planning to do to try and fix the relationship?

LikeAnAdventCandleButNotQuite · 04/03/2012 14:02

And what is your DH planning to do to try and fix the relationship?

Doha · 04/03/2012 14:41

Still go and get some legal advice OP.

MadAboutHotChoc · 04/03/2012 14:46

Do you think he is having an affair? I ask because if things were fine until he started to become distant, pick faults etc, it is usually because he has become attached to someone else.

arthriticfingers · 04/03/2012 18:22

Bridges are good - free, too.

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