Does anyone else have a mum who only wants to hear about 'the good stuff'?

[muttimalzwei]

My Mum only seems to want to know about good things going on with me and makes it nigh on impossible for me to have a good moan about anything (interrupts/changes subject/glosses over it). She even said a few years ago not to trouble her with stuff until it had blown over 'as it always seems better in the morning'. I just feel that I should be allowed to confide in her. She has been away abroad for a while and I have been very overworked and stressed and she annoyed me so much making 'appointments' to call by landline and only wanting to hear all the good news. One particular night I just felt I had nothing positive to say so didn't pick up. She even texted once to say that she was going to be e mailing and couldl I reply to it so that she could read it while she was at the internet cafe. I was in town at the time and didn't feel like rushing home...She then said I had not been communicating enough with her and that it would deter her going out to the place abroad for such a long time again (two months). I know this is immature but the pressure for me to be 'perfect' just grates and sometimes when she is telling me about this and that restaurant and the lovely weather over there etc I just feel resentful, like she doesn't really want to know about what is really going on in my life and what pressures I am under. I am not sure of the psychology going on here but she is coming back next week and I am dreading seeing her to be honest and I am constantly thinking about it. Any insight or tips would be appreciated.

You have to be absolutely honest with her and say that she can't demand you talk to her when she's also demanding only good news.

In all of our lives shit happens, whether it's something big that's frightening us or whether it's just small daily irritations, and if she doesn't want to hear that, then she has to understand you can't speak to her whenever she wants.

I'm sorry for you - you need someone to listen to the stuff that worries and concerns and frightens you. But - maybe you have to accept that won't be her and tell her why you can't always be there.

My DM is a bit like this. She always says that she only likes being with happy people and if I ever start to tell her anything bad she always changes the subject. It can be a bit upsetting as I can say things like I am feeling depressed or things are going bad with my dh and she almost pretends not to hear me and talks about something else. The annoying thing is that she is quite happy to hear other people's problems eg her sister, nephew etc but not mine, and she is the same with my db too.

I think it is because she is so desperate for everything to be ok that if she hears anything bad she sticks her head in the sand and hopes that it will all be all right.

I feel for you as I know what this feels like, but I'm afraid that I don't have a solution, I guess I have tried to accept as my DM does have lots of good points too and will listen to me talk about my dc's all day.

Thank you for your responses. I really do think that I wil have to explain why I haven't been communicating so openly and readily with her. I also do know that she is not the one to confide in but it still hurts that I an't if you see what I mean. I have quite serious stuff going on (redundancy, job changes, money worries, overwork, demanding children) and I woudl just like to feel it's ok to talk about that. She just seems to want a 'lite' version of it all with no real detail. Like you frankie she just wants to hear about the children, so I try to concentrate on them as a subject but it still hurts that it seems to be so superficial.

She sounds rather bossy and controlling- you can't always have people telling you only what you want to hear can you? How does she make you feel?

Well surprisingly enough, she makes me feel inadequate and never quite good enough. But that's another story...

It's a big deal isn't it? We all want approval from our mothers, even when quite frankly, our mothers have issues of their own!

I do understand where you're coming from, like you I have big things to deal with( partner complete alcoholic, what do do about it), only thing my mother can say to me when we skyped recently was" you're putting on a bit of weight aren't you?" ???????

I'm watching this thread with interest as this is my mother to a T

snap springy and squeegle my mum's only comment on photo's of her first great grandchild were a jibe at his mother's tattoo......

She refused to talk to me for 18 months when I had a breakdown because I 'upset her' and she'd see me when I was 'better'.

mutt the only advice I have is to disengage as far as possible, I had three years of therapy and learnt to lower my expectations.

Or you could try the MN classic: 'did you mean to be so rude?'

snoopdogg, I'm so sorry you have had to put up with all that. I try to disengage but I still need her. I had therapy last year and had been coping really well with just keeping things 'lite' and lowering my expectations and just gettng the best out of her but this recent behaviour seems to have sent me back to square one. Squeegle that is sad for you that she mentions your weight. My mum often comes out with 'did you mean to do your hair like that?' If I had enough money I woudl do this, thuis and this to your house

My parents can be like this. To be fair, I can be a real moaner. However, I think they are a bit unfair sometimes.

A memorable occasion was when i was away at university, in the space of a few months I was diagnosed with a chronic illness, my boyfriend dumped me and I had to move out my house share into a really grotty flat. I kept ringing them up because I was so lonely and miserable. My dad said 'can't you tell us things are good for once?' I said 'but they're not good. Do you want me to phone you up and tell you lies about my my life?' His response was 'yes'.

Right now, my mum refuses to talk to me about the stresses of my high risk pregnancy, she simply will not hear about it. "only talk to me about happy things! You're having a baby! You should be happy!" Well, yes I am happy about the baby, I'm not so happy about the constant appointments which are hard to manage when I work and have a child to look after.

No advice, really. I just don't talk to her about the bad stuff as much as i used to. She doesn't understand the need to have a good moan, she thinks you should only tell people about things if you want them to 'do' something about it.

Is it us that are at fault then? For just moaning too much?! I do question it sometimes but then I really can't be any different!

Squeegle, my Mum wanted me to get a web cam etc and I refused. I am not doing skype as she woudl just come out with the same sort of stuff. You look tired, this doesn't do you any favours etc..

OP that's really sad. I have a similar thing where i can never talk to my mum about anything serious. She never actually told me not to, i was just always aware of how my mum finds everything too stressful. My dad just doesn't listen. I think he has an attention problem and can't focus on what is being said. I'll be talking and Will see his attention going after a few seconds.

So growing up if i ever talked about anything important my mum would get stressed face and my dad would zone out. It was and still is extremely frustrating!

They also don't react the way you would expect. I remember telling then something really sad and they didn't react at all. I have a lot of empathy so didn't understand it. They just keep themselves in their own little bubble.

Has your mum always been like this?

Has she always been like this or since you´re an adult & living away?

I never bothered my mum with stuff once I moved out as it seemed pointless as there was nothing she could do & she would only worry.

I kind of agree with diddi , I don't bother my mum with things only because we don't have that type of relationship . I'm the oldest of 5 children and have always been left to my own devices and seen as the sensible one !
I have good friends that I tell my problems to and believe it or not a lovely mil !

Mutti- no it's definitely not us who are at fault. (funnily enough my mum does the hair thing too: she looks at me quizzically and questions is it supposed to look like that?)

But I do think it is down to us now to try and detach a bit from the children we were and recognise that our mothers may never be the mothers we want them to be. In my mother's case at least I know my mum is not "trying" to be rude, however, it is rude and ungenerous - so I try hard to ignore or make a neutral comment back. Nevertheless it is hurtful, so I guess I am working harder to be the kind of person who is not constantly seeking approval from someone who won't give it to me. I work at telling myself it's her problem big mine! (which works a bit). Onwards and upwards....

Her problem not mine I mean

Squeegle you are doing really well keeping that attitude going. I canfor a while and then i just go back to 'child' self who just wants her Mum. Diddle she has been like this for as long as I have had what i would class as adult problems. Suppose when I was growingup I had lots of close friends and lots of time with them to discuss with them.

Mine is the same she doesn't live that far away yet her response to me telling her we were having a second child was basically I don't want to know dont look to me for any help just tell me when you've had the baby

Fine it would have been nice if shed offered to look after dc1 when I was in labour but she didnt

What I can't stand is the way she makes out to all her friends that she is sooooo helpful

TBh I have withdrawn from her somewhat probably for the best since she delights in telling all her friends most of what I've said to her

Mine actually said " if I can't do anything about it, don't tell me". By "do anything", she means give me money. There is absolutely no emotional support at all, so our relationship is very superficial.

What finally made me stop seeking her (and my father's) approval was their reaction to me being pregnant with twins DC3&4. They repeatedly told me to have an abortion and how I was ruining everybodies life. It was a very upsetting time, but it sure made me stronger.

Flamingo why did they feel you were ruining everyone's lives?

This is so sad mutti. I recognize much of what you and others have said. It's the superficiality that also gets to me with Mum. The only thing that works for me at least temporarily is to lower my expectations.

A therapist suggested it might help to think in terms of her being the only Mother she can and therefore the best she can be. I'm too bitter finding this difficult but maybe it could work for you?

They believe you shouldn't have more than 2 children. They told me I was ruining my, DH and DC's lives as we would always be poor, the house would be crowded, I wouldn't cope, I wouldn't be able to give the children the attention they needed. Basically they had a long list about the mistake we I was making. They are normally critical but that was a whole new level. As it turned out 1 of the babies/ foetuses disappeared by 12 weeks, I felt like I had wished that baby away

Sorry, back on topic, I think then I realized how flawed they were and I had to live my own life.

My mum also doesn't believe in telling me about illness as I can't do anything about it, to the point of not contacting me to say my grandfather had died! She did eventually but after the funeral.

I guess I just don't share her priorities. I also like to think she does the best she can, as it helps me to be more compassionate to her. She is the only mum I've got.

I feel like diddl and dinosaurhunter - I'm also the 'responsible' eldest of a large family, left to my own devices from an early age etc. and long before I left home, I'd learned never to worry my mother with anything, and that I needed to sort things out for myself, because she just got stressed and felt any of my problems reflected on her.

So I think I have very low expectations of the relationship, and yet I try to be a good daughter, because I recognise that her own mother was an appalling woman and a dreadful mother, and she is doing her best, in a muddled way - the problem is that she didn't have a good mother and has the lowest possible expectations of what a good relationship of any kind might look like.

I've always felt like the adult in the situation - and mutti, I hear you on the compulsion to only provde good news, and not to cause worry - and while that's fine a lot of the time, there have been moments when I've surprised myself by just wanting my mother in the most primitive way, and recognising that she simply isn't capable of that makes me very sad. Like now, as I'm a frightened first timer with a baby due in a couple of weeks, and I have to pick up the phone and be all perky, when I'm scared.

I horrified myself and freaked out both my lovely husband and my hypnobirthing instructor last week when we were doing a 'fear-release' script that involved imagining positive scenes from your childhood in places you'd felt safe and secure. I couldn't think of anywhere that had felt safe, and I started to cry and cry and couldn't stop. I think being about to become a mother myself is making it all prey on my mind.

No advice, mutti, just you're not alone.