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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mother in law from hell

47 replies

pumpkinsweetie · 01/03/2012 22:24

My mother in law not by law yet as we are not married is taking over my life!!
Every thursday she comes to my home and insults my eldest daughter as she is because she is not her blood. My eldest daughter was taken on by her son and she was fine with this up until two years ago for some odd reason my mil has took a dislike to her and repeatley mentioned she's not my partners real blood, its nature not nurture and has even said infront of her that ger eyes colour must be from her 'real dad'!! Every thursday when she comes to my home she makes comments like this infront of my daughter who is 9 and has only ever known her son as her father so you can imagine im not happy about this as my daughter thinks he is her dad. I think its up to me the appropriate time inwhich to her about her biological father not hers!! From 14 months until 7 my mil was a lovely kind lady who really doted on my daughter but things have now changed and she has turned spiteful and i havent a clue why does anyone have any ideas to why she may b stirring trouble? I fear that my daughter feels left out and singled out from my other children of which are my partners biological kids and i do not want her to get hurt any longer so i have taken it upon myslf to ban her from my home until my partner tells her to fuck off but he wont so she has no clue why im avoiding her or so she says but how can she not realise the things she saying infront of my daughter are pure mean. Advice guys please?? My partner will not talk to his family about it but at the same time hes not pleased ive stopped her seeing the kids

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 01/03/2012 22:27

Why have you not told her that here words are unacceptable?

If you ban someone, surely it makes sense to tell them exactly why they are banned.

Eglu · 01/03/2012 22:27

I would wonder why you are allowing a woman who is awful to your child to come into your house at all.

Littlefish · 01/03/2012 22:28

I think you are wrong to be misleading your daughter as to her paternity.

Mumsyblouse · 01/03/2012 22:32

I agree with Littlefish, perhaps your MIL, in a totally misguided and unhelpful way, is trying to introduce your daughter to the facts of her paternity. I think by 9, it would be better for you to start talking about it as she is going to be very shocked, left much longer and she may not forgive you for not telling her. If you and your partner don't treat her differently, she won't be second-best.

Tell your daughter together with your partner, reassure her you are still her parents, and you MIL will have nothing to say.

You can then decide if you want to restart contact with her.

oikopolis · 01/03/2012 22:40

I can't understand why you weren't honest with your child from the word go. Hiding things like this from children can be so so damaging. The fact that your MIL can hold this over your DD's head and hurt her with it is part of the fallout of keeping secrets, sorry. No secrets = no drama, generally speaking.

If you must insist on continuing to keep DD in the dark, then you are going to have to stand up to your MIL yourself.

squeakytoy · 01/03/2012 22:44

Does your MIL assume that your daughter knows she isnt your partners biological parent?

snoopdogg · 01/03/2012 22:50

How old are your and dp's children?

pinkyredrose · 01/03/2012 22:55

Sorry but you should really tell your daughter who her bio father is, she deserves to know.

Bogeyface · 01/03/2012 23:51

How predictable! The op asks why her mil might have started being like this and she is attacked for not telling her DD about her parentage!

Op, how old is you mil? Has her behaviour changed in other wyas, perhaps doind odd things, forgetting things, not paying attention to her grooming or personal hygiene?
It could be a symtom of dementia, my grandma lost the normal filters that we have that tell us what it is or isn't OK to say, she would cheerfully insult people or say the most inappropriate things very loudly to their faces and not see a problem at all.

Sorry for typos, using my phone.

WinkyWinkola · 02/03/2012 05:34

It's certainly nit up to the mil to decide how and when to tell the DD about her parentage. The arrogance of some astounds me.

I would say the mil is no linger welcome in my home until she stops saying things that are hurtful to my child.

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 03/03/2012 11:41

I do plan on telling my daughter when me & my partner think she is ready. She was 14 months wen my partner took her on thats why she doesnt know! Her real father wanted nothing to do with her when she was 7 months old and isnt a good role model to be bringing into her life at 9 and probably wont want to c her anyway! The point is it isnt my mil place to tell her it is mine and the question i was asked was why the mil changed? Anyway my partner has told the mil now and hoping she stops!! Oh and i didnt delibretly keep my daughter in the dark its just that my partner loved her from a v early aged and has bought her up like his own so dnt judge

OP posts:
Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 03/03/2012 11:43

I do plan on telling my daughter when me & my partner think she is ready. She was 14 months wen my partner took her on thats why she doesnt know! Her real father wanted nothing to do with her when she was 7 months old and isnt a good role model to be bringing into her life at 9 and probably wont want to c her anyway! The point is it isnt my mil place to tell her it is mine and the question i was asked was why the mil changed? Anyway my partner has told the mil now and hoping she stops!! Oh and i didnt delibretly keep my daughter in the dark its just that my partner loved her from a v early aged and has bought her up like his own so dnt judge

OP posts:
cornsilkalala · 03/03/2012 11:44

what a witch - don't let her visit

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 03/03/2012 11:45

My other children are 5, 3 and 18 months

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Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 03/03/2012 11:46

Thanku to those with the positive comments :-)

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Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 03/03/2012 11:49

To bogeyface: my mil is nearly 60 and my partner is wondering if there could be a dementia issue as she does get my daughters names confused quite a lot and also repeats herself on many occasions but im not sure if this is down to being irrating or not

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 03/03/2012 11:59

It can start out with minor things, getting names muddled and repeating oneself. Then over time you notice more and more little things happening. Its good that your partner is considering this as a possibility, it means that you can keep your eye on her and see if she gets worse or is just a bit dotty about such things.

Fingers crossed its just her being a PITA!

SinicalSanta · 03/03/2012 12:39

Well I get my dc names confused all the time.

I'm not sure but age related forgetfulness is not neccessarily the start of something more sinister.

She does need to be told, quite firmly, that she must treat all children the same or she's not welcome. A hard conversation but needs must, for your daughters sake.

Onset of anything notwithstanding. At this point, it's almost irrelevant. She is plenty with-it at this point. Hopefully her health won't disimprove.

bibbityisaporker · 03/03/2012 12:54

Fgs, what do you expect Mumsnet to do? Tell her for you?

Either your dp or you nhave got to say "look mum/mil, we will tell dd about her real father when we are ready and at the moment she does not know, so will you please stop talking about it".

Then your mil will know why she is no longer welcome in your house and can amend her behaviour accordingly if she wants to continue to visit you.

Surely this is completely and utterly 100% obvious?

Archemedes · 03/03/2012 13:17

I think you should have had a very frank convo with her a while ago about her behaviour.

Catsdontcare · 03/03/2012 13:27

God there's some shitty fuckers on mumsnet these days! Op posted in relationships not aibu.

For what it's worth I think you should discuss it with your mil if your dp won't. Also if this is a recent change in behaviour then I would possibly consider whether her mental health is an issue. Either way your dd should not have to Put up with this

angrygingermidget · 03/03/2012 13:38

I think you need to take her aside and tell her in no uncertain terms what it is that she says that you don't like and why and make it very clear to her that it is up to you and your partner when you tell your daughter and how.

I would let her back in to see your children, but be clear that is she says anything out of turn, she won't be coming back.

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 03/03/2012 13:43

She has now been told and hopefully this will end. Im new to posting on here so sorry if its been posted in wrong place

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Rubygloom · 14/03/2012 23:57

what a bunch of vipers.Blood is not everything.Would you say the same thing to a couple that had adopted.This man is her dad.Maybe not biologically.But emotionly he his.I think she's spiteful.It's NOT her place to tell.Of course her dd has a right to know her parentage.When she's of an age she can handle what she finds.Some of you are just plain rude

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 15/03/2012 00:03

Her bio father is no good and never was. He was controlling and locked me in the house and as soon as i had the guts to leave he cut all contact with her straight away and hasnt wanted to know since. A bloke cant just turn up when the nappies/sleepless nights and hard stuff is over and pick up where they left off anyway. When shes 16 shes entitled to meet him if she wants but at the moment dont b crazy it wud mess with her emotions. I plan on telling her next tear wen IM ready and the motherinlaw now knows to butt out or she aint welcome simples. Blood aint always thicker than water sumtimes waters better

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