Mother in law from hell

[pumpkinsweetie]

My mother in law not by law yet as we are not married is taking over my life!!
Every thursday she comes to my home and insults my eldest daughter as she is because she is not her blood. My eldest daughter was taken on by her son and she was fine with this up until two years ago for some odd reason my mil has took a dislike to her and repeatley mentioned she's not my partners real blood, its nature not nurture and has even said infront of her that ger eyes colour must be from her 'real dad'!! Every thursday when she comes to my home she makes comments like this infront of my daughter who is 9 and has only ever known her son as her father so you can imagine im not happy about this as my daughter thinks he is her dad. I think its up to me the appropriate time inwhich to her about her biological father not hers!! From 14 months until 7 my mil was a lovely kind lady who really doted on my daughter but things have now changed and she has turned spiteful and i havent a clue why does anyone have any ideas to why she may b stirring trouble? I fear that my daughter feels left out and singled out from my other children of which are my partners biological kids and i do not want her to get hurt any longer so i have taken it upon myslf to ban her from my home until my partner tells her to fuck off but he wont so she has no clue why im avoiding her or so she says but how can she not realise the things she saying infront of my daughter are pure mean. Advice guys please?? My partner will not talk to his family about it but at the same time hes not pleased ive stopped her seeing the kids

dont forget the drug parties.Yeah introduce a 9year old to that

Yup he was a complete dickhead! And b4 u peeps start i was v young wen i has dc but im glad i did as shes the best thing that ever happened to me

If he got her hands on her we would never see her again.I would NOT trust that man with her.He took her once to scare my sister and wouldnt answer his phone.And she's the best thing that happened to me to see.My 1st born niece

Ignoring the problem you have with your MIL, maybe it would be better to try to let your daughter know her truth before it becomes a huge issue for you all. My kids used to tease each other with " you're adopted! " even though they weren't. Her dad not being her biological dad might come as a massive shock to her when she's older. I can see you want the best for her btw

Sorry, can´t get my head around topics all written in one long line.

Without paragraphs.

Maybe it´s just me but I zone out and go on to the next one...

Suburb why comment then?

I would tell her gently now OP. Lots of kids think they are adopted at some point, so you do also need to make it clear that her biological father is not some dream prince who will whisk her away some day, but her worst nightmare. Maybe there is a Jacqueline Wilson which will help? Also if you DP could be there and make sure she knows how much he loves her.

I have neighbours who have 4 kids, it wasn't until they were grown up that they discovered DC2 had convinced DC 4 that she was adopted, " but don't ask Mum and Dad they will just deny it".

Blood schmood.

Any man can make a baby FFS. Random clumps of DNA doing random scientific stuff. The man who brings you up is your father.

However, your partner is the one who needs to deal with this woman. Have a good hard talk with him because he needs to grow a pair and tell his mother she is behaving abominably both to you,the woman he has chosen to spend his life with, and the children he is bringing up. If he won't, then I'd be dealing with the pair of them.

Surburbophobe- I can't get my head around people who have no useful contribution to make to a thread and yet think themselves clever for pointing out use of English stuff. Funny isn't it?

The MIL is rude and should be told her behaviour is unacceptable and that she isn't welcome in the house whilst she is so rude. Looks like you have done that.
I do think your daughter should be told of her parentage soon though. You don't want to leave it until puberty and hormones kick in. I think the sooner kids know things like this the better. Loads of kids grow up with stepdads who love them like their own kids. The longer you leave it the harder it will get, and the more likely that when she finds out she will feel lied to.
What does your partner think about when to tell your daughter? I'm often surprised so many men go along with this as I can't imagine pretending I am someone's mum if I am a stepmum, where as alot of men do seem reluctant to let their stepkids know they aren't their biological kids.

He doesnt want her to know yet as we want to explain it in a 'Facts Of Life' kind of way and at the moment i think she is too young to know about the birds & the bees. We r planning on telling her next year

At 9 she is too young for the facts of life? Sorry but she will already have some idea from school, my 8 year old has a pretty good idea. Once she knows a man and woman are needed to make a baby she knows enough for you to explain, by 9 I would expect she would know more. You do realise girls quite often start mensturating at 10?

She has only just turned 9 and i feel as a her parent it isnt the right time. In our family my mothers great nan, nan, mum and me & my sis all started at 12 and i also dont see any signs of her starting yet obviously if things change i will be telling her sooner. The mil had no right to give it away and im sure if her bio dad does come along i cant see the mil being too pleased with her son being upset so therfore i dont get why shes been doin it theres no positives to be made out of telling her

Love, I utterly agree with you telling this woman to STFU as far as your DD is concerned. You can try nicely (but firmly) and get blunt if you have to. it's THAT important. This woman has no business saying ANYTHING. Your DP needs to tell her that too tbh, but of course it's going to be hard.

If YOU state your boundaries, explain that until she stops insulting your DD, stops saying things that are inappropriate in her company that you will not be opening the door to her.

Once YOU have said that, all HE has to do is say, pumpkin has said she's unhappy with the treatment of DD, and I support her. All he need do is hold the family line (YOUR collective family)

If the woman refuses to stop insulting your DD, then she will stay away from the home. regardless of you telling your DD about her father.

HOWEVER.... your DD needs to be told about the facts of life (otherwise it will be a shock and she will need the time between now and then to process.) Your family may be 'late-starters' but there will be other girls in her class that aren't. SO she'll need to understand the subject, and WELL, or she may well be teased, (1) for not starting with the others and (2), being clueless as to what's what.

Honesty is VITAL, both in paternity and in life stuff. You are now about to make serious parenting mistakes if you continue to shove everyone's head into the sand. You may be a parent, but one that refuses to arm her with really big information is WRONG. She DOES need to know, and YES, NOW, and you will harm her development if you don't.

She will suddenly realise that she is NOT actually full sister to her siblings, that her dad is not her dad, her GP likewise.

She has a lot to deal with anyway on either subject, if you allow hormones to creep in too before you come clean, you will open up a MASSIVE, potentially off-the-rails kind of response.

TBH, as interferring as your DP's mother is, her making you post this thread WILL serve you well. BUT YOU HAVE TO TALK TO YOUR DD.

Don't let your MIL into your house on Thursday ( or any other day of the week). You and your DP sit her down and say until she is respectful to your DD then she is not welcome in your family home.

But you have to tell your daughter. They sense things do kids. They are not stupid.

My DP's dad is not his biological dad. His biological father left when he was 6 months old. His stepfather is his dad. DP had always known the situation and the only time it was an issue was when DP was in his teens and jetting off to join his biological father who lived in Hollywood and DP would return with huge attitude at his 'lowly' dad.

I can't believe a 9 year old won't understand about step parents. My kids have had step parents since early primary school and have grown up with friends with step parents. I could understand waiting until she has a grasp of the facts of life if it is something like artificial insemination by donor, but a step parent is fairly straight forward.
Also when a girl starts menstruating puberty is well under way. You don't want to wait until then.

from what little I know about parentage, "waiting until they're ready" and then dropping a bombshell can be a terrible shock. Far better for it to be known but no big deal from the start.

As for hiding the truth about sex from her, if you don't want to tell her yourself, you can rely on her picking up whatever she wants to know from playground tales, drawings on lavatory walls, and glimpses of magazines or TV shows. She will be doing this from age 4 at least. As long as you're happy with that.

What age do peeps think is an appropriate age to tell about the facts of life? Just a genuine question- i was told at 10

I don't look at it like that. I'd say instead that there is no age when you should try to prevent them finding out the truth. They will absorb what they're interested in.

If you don't tell them the truth, they will pick up or invent untrue ideas about how babies are born and conceived, and they will also learn that you are embarrassed or ashamed to speak with them about such things. This seems quite unhelpful.

My Ds had it explained at school at 8, he hadn't been interested in the nitty gritty before. He asked me questions after school and was fine. The younger ones had a pretty good idea by then.
My DC knew by 4 that Granny wasn't Daddies real Mummy, Daddy's real Mummy had died. They also knew it wasn't something you mentioned to Granny (who was mentally unstable and likely to burst into tears for little real reason).
Mine also knew from a much younger age that a Mummy and Daddy combined to make a baby, which grew in Mummy's tummy. Actually we have probably discussed genetics from a very young age, but we are geeks.

pumpkinsweetie - well for heaven's sake don't do what my mother did and wait until we'd actually started bleeding!! I was just a bit surprised but my sister totally freaked out and thought she was dying...

We started at around 11, so I'd explain when she's about 9 or 10. Girls these days seem to know everything about everything much earlier than we did anyway so there will doubtless be period urban legends flying about the classroom by that point anyway.

Oh btw I just thought, why don't you ask her some questions to see what she knows and understands. She may know more than you think.

It was just a question, by the end of this year she will be told. I havent lied to her as she has never asked, maybe its because shes a tomboy- she not interested in things like this yet which can only be a good thing.

Your MIL needs to butt out.

As for when you tell her, and what you tell her, thats your decision. You know her best.