need help

[bellerose]

I am really struggling at the moment and feel like I can't cope. It is a long story. I met my partner 4 years ago and we have a 3 year old son. We were living in his flat that he owned when we found out I was pregnant. I wanted to either stay in the flat or private rent as I was worried we couldn't afford to buy a house. I was very young when I met him and he is 8 years older andlikes things to be done his way. He rented his flat and then we bought a house.

Throughout our relationship my partner has drank 12 cas of beer every night while I sit alone upstairs in my bedroom every night. I suffered with SPD badly when I was pregnant and don't have any family nearby so I found it very isolating. He did not help me when the baby was born and continued to drink. I had a very good job but I ended up losing it after my son was born due to severe postnantal depression. This meant we could not keep up the mortgage repayments and our house was reposessed. He then persuaded me to do an iva which failed because he could not keep up the mortgage payments on his flat which was then also reposessed.

We now pivate rent a house. I feel so unhappy as he persuaded me to move to a remote town where his familily live as he said I would get more support from his family. I cannot drive, have no money and his family never see me or my son. I am not entitled to benefits as I live with my parter who gets a good wage but he doesn't give me any money and spends sos much an alcohol and cigarettes. I have no freinds here and my family live in Leeds.

I went to the citizen's advice beureu who I am now going to work with. My partner is determined that the only way to go is down the bankruptcy route. He wants me to do hat he wants not the citizen's advice. I am so worried as I know that when he gets made bankrupt they will take most of his wage so he is even less likely to give me any money. I don't know how I am going to cope.

I also feel so overwhelmed with all the housework and caring for my son as he gives me no help at all. He drinks and then makes himself a massive meal at midnight and leaves it for me to clean up the next morning.

I have started a college course to try and help with my depression as it makes me leave the house every day. I can't cope when every now and again when he runs out of money or feels a twinge of guilt he says he is stopping drinking. The problem is is that he is like a different person when he doesn't drink, he takes it out on me and I walk on egg shells. I feel i've completely lost my independence as I an totally reliant on him and have to ask his permission for everything.

I used to have a good job and be independent and self reliant before I met him.

His family and friends think he is amazing and such a fantastic man but they don't know what he's really like. His son adores him and craves his attention.

He found the house that we privately rent and stupidly I moved into it without even looking at it. the gargen is so bad and dangerous that my son can't play in it. We spent last summer not being able to go outside apart from to the park. He won't do any work to it as he has got a hernia caused by him putting on 5 stone since I met him. He won't do anything to lose weight or even make a doctors appointment about his hernia.

I want to leave and applied to the council for housing but was awarded 0 points. I want to leave but I don't want to hurt him as despite everything he is a good man and i know he loves me and my son. He says if i ever left it would destroy his life. I also don't know if i've got the courage and bottle to do it. I feel so alone and scared of the future. I want to leave but I don't want to take my son away from his father and I do really love him.

So sorry to hear of everything you have been through. I think you need to leave your partner and he is emotionally blackmailing you, but I understand this will be incredibly hard. Is it possible for you to go back to your own family, or even any old friends in your home town? I think you will need a lot of support, while you get back on your feet and work on rebuilding your confidence and self esteem. Sorry I can't be of more help, but I'm sure others on here will be.

Also, it might be better to post this in the Relationships section than here.

I am SO sorry to hear of your situation. It sounds truly awful.

It really sounds as though your partner is awful to live with. I can't believe that he is a good father, even though your son adores him.
The drinking and the financial situation are very bad. You cannot go on like this.

You sound intelligent and capable.
You used to have a good life before he ruined it.
You are perfectly capable of having a good life again.

You say that your family are in Leeds, far away from your current home.
I recommend that you should take your son and go and stay with your family for a while.
Don't plan to leave your partner yet. Just tell him that you are going to stay with your family for a couple of weeks.
That will give you some space and some time to think.
You cannot see your situation clearly when you are with him.
Go and visit your family and friends.
Talk to them. Tell them about your situation.
They will help you.
If you do decide to leave him, (I hope you will) you will need support. You will need somewhere to stay in the beginning and you will need help and love. I hope your family and friends in Leeds will give you this.
If he will not give you the money to go to Leeds, talk to your family and ask if they can help you to get to them.

Fgs don't say you 'love' him. So what? He is a bad father and a bad partner. You must leave! You can ask the council to support you in moving to private rental, or you can ask the cab or shelter for advice. You cannot continue to live like this!

He sounds very abusive and seems to have completely undermined you.

That's not love.

If I were in your situation (am a LP) I would be looking to move back to where there was support, ie. family and friends.

your partner is probably an alcoholic. That is his problem. You and your son are not going to be able to help him nor sort anything out until he recognises this. However, you cannot (and your son does not deserve to) stay in this situation. You say you love this man, but to be brutal, I am struggling to see anything in your post that resembles love. Love is a mutual thing and involves respect and trust as well as kindness and a whole lot more. Where is his towards you? You say he loves you and his son... please take a look at your post and ask yourself if a man who drinks and smokes his money while refusing to work, and in the meantime subjects his partner and child to a miserable existence is the kind good man you make him out to be.
You need some distance. Go to your family/ your friends. Take 1 suitcase and go. Little steps, little steps. Take a bag and say you are going for a week. At the end of that week if you honestly want to go back, go. But if you are sensible enough to make this post, I don't think you will. But one day at at time and you can do it. It is painful arriving at family and friends, just say you need some space until it feels right to talk to them. And slowly slowly you will get yourself on your feet again.

This situation is not helpful and from the outside it looks like his controlling behaviour is abusive.

Whether or not you think it is, ring Women's Aid 0808 2000 247. They can offer support and advice about how to leave, housing and money.

I know I just feel so dependent on him and I love him.

Please get away from him OP, you know it's the only way you will be happy. He is an alcoholic, and only thinking about himself. So sorry your in this situation, only you can change it. Be brave and call your family/a friend for help

He wants you to feel dependent on him and he has spent years making this happen. You really need to put some distance between you, so you can gain some perspective. Can you honestly see things improving if you stay? From all you have said, I am afraid things will get even worse, and isn't the situation bad enough for you and your DS already? You both deserve better.

We are conditioned by society to think that love is the be all and end all. It really isn't. It's a nice thing to have in your life but other things affect your happiness much more, like financial security and not feeling undermined by your partner. Don't use the fact that you love him as an excuse not to get yourself out of a bad situation.

I have nowhere else to go. My family arn't very supportive and I don't think I could live with them. I know its stupid but my son loves his father so much I feel too guilty taking him away from him. Even though he doesn't spend much time with him my son adores him.

Ruthchan is absolutely right. Get some space to breathe: be honest with your family if you can.

You have been made to feel dependent on him. You were perfectly capable before you met him, and look at everything you are able to do despite him, too! You will be fine.

Unfortunately, I doubt he will change at this stage- and he certainly won't change while he can continue to have everything his way, and carry on being self destructive.

Don't think too far ahead: at this stage, you only have to find enough strength to go and visit your family, which will be lovely for your wee boy, especially if he isn't getting all the attention he would like from his dad.

Please, please try again with your family. Nobody is saying you have to stay with them forever. Or what old friends?
If this really isn't an option, then ring Women's Aid, as betternextlife suggests.

I don't think I can go to Leeds. I know it sounds pathetic.

x post.

So- your family aren't very supportive? Is it because they don't like him, do you think- or this how they have always been? Are they all the same?

All you need is some breathing space. What about old friends? Maybe you could discuss getting a referral to the Citizen's Advice in your home town so they can help you arrange accommodation etc if you need to. You will get assistance if you leave him. He is an alcoholic. They (Benefits Agency) won't question your decision to remove your child from that sort of environment. That's responsible parenting.

Re: your son loving his dad- I know it's tough, but this sounds like a dead end for him, too. Do you think he would like to watch his father getting sicker and sicker, being horrible to him without understanding why- and then perhaps decide that it is somehow his fault? Protect your son, and yourself, please.

I'll have to try and find the courage to leave and not let him make me feel guilty.

It sounds as though you have already made the decision to leave (well done) but it looks like you need reasons pointing out to you why you should. Just to add to what others have said. Do you want your son to grow up thinking this is how a man should behave? Because if you stay he will think this is ok and duplicate your partners behaviour.

When you leave, you never know it might give your dp the kick up the arse he so needs, in which case he needs to do things on your terms not his.

Good luck.

You don't need to live with your family. Many people would find that hard.
You simply need to visit them, or some friends, in order to give yourself some breathing space.
Once you get away from your partner and are able to look at your own situation from a distance you will see how it really is.

You say that your son loves his father.
I don't doubt that for a minute.
But think of your son. Do you want him to grow up with an alcoholic father? Do you want him to grow up with such a selfish man? Do you want him to grow up in a house with no money, no garden, not enough support?
You DP sounds abusive. I hope he doesn't abuse you or your son physically, but there is a danger that he might in the future.
By leaving him, you will be protecting your son, not depriving him of anything. You will be giving him and yourself a chance of a better life.

Please pluck up the courage and call your family, a friend or a charity who can help you. Taking that first step will help you to continue.

OP where are you if I may ask (county)

Ok. I understand that your family are not very supportive. What do you want to happen?

I don't mean to sound harsh but you have an excuse for every suggestion made by others so far.

Your dp has a problem you can't fix. He isn't going to magically get better and be a nice and good person who realises the error of his ways.

No one can make this situation better but you. I realise this will take courage and sheer determination and that it won't happen overnight.

If it makes you feel any better, I adored my natural father, he was my hero - when I was a child. As I got older I came to see him for the twat he is and thank god my mum left him when I was still young. Of course there were days when I was upset and this lasted for years but my mum is my hero now, for making that tough decision or upping and leaving an starting again with nothing (including not much support from et family)

There will always e support for you here on mumsnet but you have to start thinking for yourself. Go back I being that independent woman you once were, you can do it.

ifeelloved's last point is a good one- however, you may find that even if he does wake up as a result of the kick up the arse, going back is not the right decision for you.

My ex was a user of heroin and crack. He lied about it to me for three years, even when I could smell it on him, and had caught him a couple of times: he spent his inheritance on it. His lies and the way he made me doubt myself were what ended it. I left him quite suddenly- one of those 'straw that broke the camel's back' moments. He fell apart for a while, then sorted himself out. Within a year he was sober and now he's doing really well. I loved him, and even still think about him now- but the relationship was broken and could never be fixed.

Hope you can muster up the oomph to get on a train (or take the car, if you have one).

For my two pence worth;
I have a good friend who was in an abusive relationship.
She hid it well and I had no idea until the day she called me and asked for somewhere safe to stay.
He DH had apparently decided to break her arms.
She took her 9 month old daughter and I helped her to get away.
She is now in a new relationship with a wonderful man and is truly happy.

I will have to talk to my family.

Good luck. I hope I didn't sound mean, that wasn't my intention. You and your son will be better off in he long run.