not sure how it happened, not sure what to do

[stayinbedtoday]

i have always been madly in love with dh, he is my partner and best friend. i shocked myself this year when on a business trip (a number of them) i developed a closeness with a colleague which later turned into a few physical encounters (we didn't go 'all the way', nonetheless..) and I really thought i was falling in love with this person or that i should be ending my current relationship. at the end i managed to come to my senses, and stayed in my marriage. i love my husband dearly and can't believe i became the kind of person who would do something like that. i am not sure how to reconcile this experience in my head - i know i have a lot to be ashamed about and sorry for, but i dont think i should share this with DH. what should i do? am i the world's worst person?

a little bit.

however, whats to say you wont do it again? your best bet is to tell your husband what you did and hope he is forgiving.

I dont think i could look my dh in the eye if i ever did something so stupid

In a word no, because unfortunately you're not the first to have an affair and you certainly wont be the last.

I don't judge you for being unfaithful, it's not my place, but it's fair enough and natural for you to be giving yourself a hard time.

Personally and I know not everyone will agree with me on this, but I would confess to your DH. You have got no chance of forgiving yourself if you haven't given him the chance to forgive you first. I know it sounds a little soppy, but I really believe that. If you don't get it out in the open, it will eat you up inside, I promise you. You can't live with a lie like this. Tell him, prepare for the consiquences and accept them.

I hope you are given a second chance. You're not a bad person. You made a mistake, which you shouldn't, but you know you were wrong and now you feel awful, which is a natural process.

Has your marriage always been faithful on both sides before now as far as you know?

What you did was very wrong OP but I'd swing the other way and not off load the guilt on your DH. Your cross you bear it.

my dh knew that i was emotionally not in the relationship. we went on a trip alone and it was a disaster i told him i can't be near him and i need some time. it wasn't a fun fun adventure, it was a really painful hurtful thing where i wasn't sure why i was developing feelings for someone else. the only thing that says i wont do it again is me.
i felt like that puffy before this happened but i'm not sure is that really what i should do or will it just hurt him

Hmm, I suppose if you really dont want to break up your relationship, maybe go to councelling? at least then you can offload your guilt and talk to someone about it in confidence.

not going 'all the way' doesn;t really matter in my mind because presumably you actually acted on these inappropriate feelings and, from the sounds of it, you guys got up to some things you would never want your husband to know about.

Tricky. Because you sound as if you don't want to tell your husband. Is that guilt talking? Or do you think/know that'd mean the end of you. Because having and living with a guilty conscience is a really hard thing to do. As Puff said, it'd be really hard to even look them in the eye, let alone carry on as normal.

Have a serious think about this, because, without trying to sound too cliché, I'm sure you really don't want to live in the shadow of such a big lie (or omission of truth)

Of course it will hurt him! But in my opinion that's not a reason not to tell him. He has a right to know. If you only think you shouldn't tell him incase it'll hurt him, were you at the time of the affair thinking what he doesn't know can't hurt him? Well obviously, but if we all did that, our society wouldn't be able to function. If you tell him and I have made it clear that I think you should, then of course it will be a really really tough time and your marriage may not survive it, but i'm afraid that may be a price you have to pay. I hope not.

Again, i'm not judging you. I'm just letting you know what I think you should do

Don't tell your DH.
Forgive yourself.
Move on.
Don't do it again.

I second mojitomania. Your cross, your burden to bear.

Btw, you're not 'the world's worst person' by an extremely long chalk but you could be your own worst enemy if you don't stay true to your dh.

exactly what innappropriate crushes said.

Never complain, never explain.

Seriously, unless you really want to lose your marriage, then don't tell him.

What he doesn't know won't hurt him. However, YOU know and you will have to live with that! I expect you WILL learn from this and never, ever, do this again.

I would not tell him. Get it off your chest here.

I've been on the receiving end of hearing news like that and I don't think I've ever recovered from it.

If your husband asks, I would tell him. It sounds like a period of madness and I'm glad you've pulled yourself back from it. I think that if you want to stay married, you should make every effort to rekindle the marriage and to be gentle to your husband - he has gone through a rough time, too, feeling rejected without knowing why. Did he ever ask why you were like that? If so, what did you say?

If he hasn't asked and doesn't appear to be questioning your fidelity, I wouldn't tell him. If an affair has ended already and you've returned to yourself, then I think the damage done by telling him would be too great.

(Btw the news I heard was much, much worse. That's why I couldn't fully recover.)

I suspect that your husband does know, already. Not the details, but the fact that there was someone else. You distanced yourself from him and told him you needed time - how can he not know.

Whether or not he would want it all confirmed and out in the open is something else. Perhaps, having waited it out, he would prefer not to have it confirmed and would prefer to leave it in the past. Did he ask you or push you for more information, when you were withdrawing from him? How did you explain this to him, on your trip away?

Some people prefer the truth, no matter what, and others prefer to know on a subconscious level but not have it brought to the surface. Only you can guess at what your dh would want. Would bringing it up, force him to leave you out of pride? Sometimes, saying nothing, leaves a person with a way to stay in the relationship, even though deep down they suspect.

But don't tell him to make yourself feel better - you betrayed him and you have to live with the guilt. Only tell him if you think he would truly want to know.

And never do it again.

I would tell your dh BECAUSE he could help you stop doing something like this again in the future. If he was oblivious you might think you could get away with it again but if he knew then he could keep an extra eye on you which in5turn would make you think more.

NEVER ever tell him, deny deny deny.

I would not tell him. Get it off your chest here.

Don't tell if it really was a one off.

I think I would tell him if he asked, if it came up and he wanted to know.

If he knew things were not good and you wanted to be apart for a while, then he will probably have some idea that you might have had your eye on someone else or at least have been open to that.

So perhaps he would prefer to suspend disbelief and just not know.

I think you need to concentrate on the other bits of your relationship, how about healing from the time apart, or maybe finding out what made you want to drift away from him in the first place?

Affairs can often be a useful distraction from what is really bothering the people in a marriage...counselling alone and then together might be really helpful, that would be better than a quick confession or brushing it under the carpet...future proofing what you have, by looking at what went wrong and fixing that hole iykwim.

deny deny deny

Do you mean that she should gaslight her husband then Posie? What truly terrible advice.

OP I read what you said about your feelings for your H - and yet a few posters here have made a leap and assumed there must be a problem in your marriage.

The problem is self-evidently in you.

Fix what ever it is and get some counselling, or it will happen again. Talk to your counsellor about the dilemma of telling a husband who has already been hurt, giving a further lie to another bit of nonsense posted here: what he doesn't know won't hurt him.

It's as though some posters have never read threads on here about the misery and hurt suffered by OPs who have felt their husbands withdrawing from them and think they are going mad, because they keep getting met with denials. The hurt has already happened - it doesn't just start at the point of the truth being told!

It's just as bad if you're a man on the receiving end of this treatment and so our advice should be no different than if a man had posted this. Somehow I don't think a man would be advised to 'deny, deny, deny' in the same circumstances though.......

Gaslight her husband??? WTF?

No, I think if she tells him to lift her own guilt she will end her marriage.

I couldn't give a shit whether she's male or female, it's the same advice.

If her husband genuinely knew about it then it would be futile to deny, but that aside if she can salvage her marriage and wants to, she should.