not sure how it happened, not sure what to do

[stayinbedtoday]

i have always been madly in love with dh, he is my partner and best friend. i shocked myself this year when on a business trip (a number of them) i developed a closeness with a colleague which later turned into a few physical encounters (we didn't go 'all the way', nonetheless..) and I really thought i was falling in love with this person or that i should be ending my current relationship. at the end i managed to come to my senses, and stayed in my marriage. i love my husband dearly and can't believe i became the kind of person who would do something like that. i am not sure how to reconcile this experience in my head - i know i have a lot to be ashamed about and sorry for, but i dont think i should share this with DH. what should i do? am i the world's worst person?

Well what did you mean by 'deny, deny, deny' then?

Presumably we can only deny something if we are accused of it? And that's what you advised her to do, repeatedly if necessary. Now you're saying she should only tell the truth if he 'genuinely knows something'.

That is gaslighting and it's a nasty, cruel thing to do - often less forgiveable than the original indiscretion.

Never, ever tell your DH. It would hurt him unbelievably. You made a bad mistake, it is your mistake, you live with it.
It sounds like you feel genuinely remorseful & want to continue your marriage with your DH. That is great & you can make it work. Sounds like you need to think about why you were so tempted and work out how you can ensure that you don't end up that way again.

I wonder if it's worth considering that perhaps there is/was a lack on both sides of the marriage for this to have happened...that you were trying to fulfill a need that you perceived as lacking in the marriage at that time?

Bear in mind that you are not that evil: the idea that monogamy is 'natural' or even 'supernaturally created' eg Destiny, The One and all that, is a crock of shit.

TBH, the more romantic and enthusiastic people are about soulmates and monogamy, the more likely they are to have affairs. Because you see someone and fancy them but That's Wrong! You only have sexual feelings for your SOULMATE. So, to the romantic, liking the look of someone else tends to mean that the new person is your soulmate and the existing partner a mistake.

Whereas if you understand that monogamy is a conscious choice it's easier to ride out feelings of attraction to other people if you want to remain monogamous. Other people are attractive. You are not dead.

Have you ever previously discussed monogamy boundaries with your H, OP? Because they do vary from person to person. Some people think that only PIV counts as actual infidelity. (Bill Clinton, for instance - reckoned he hadn't Had Sex with Monica Lewinsky because he'd only spunked on her frock rather than up her fanjo). Other people think that spending an evening alone with another person, even if all you do is share a bottle of wine, is cheating.

So it may be that your H would be able to accept that you almost cheated if it was only a snog with tongues - or it may not be so. But think it through before making any sudden moves.

TheSecondComing Haha, no sorry I didn't mean it like that. I just meant that he could be more aware and more alert, for his own protection, and so that him knowing is a deterrent to OP to ever do it again. I didn't meant that he should search or interrogate her every night. Wrong words used, sorry :o

I like your post, SGB. It's quite inspiring. The conscious choice thing I mean. And about other people being attractive.

I would add, cautiously that I am sometimes really confused when people say 'don't tell him to ease your own burden of guilt'. I understand from a man's point of view expressed earlier on this thread (I think) that sometimes the other party does NOT want to know, in which case, yes, don't tell them.

I think I said something to that effect in my earlier post.
But if you think he does want to know, and would want to know even if it's only at some later date, I think he has a right to.

It seems standard advice that if an affair has been had, the betrayed spouse should be given honest and full answers to every question they might have about the affair.

So is it kind of all or nothing?

I am inclined to think that if your spouse asks you should tell him/her the truth. But a person who doesn't ask may really not want to know, so telling him/her in that situation is unkind. Though I am generally of the opinion that if people made less of a big deal about monogamy, they might generally be happier.

I think you should tell your husband so he can make an informed choice about whether he stays with you.