Workaholic DH

[hedwig06]

I've posted on this subject before - a while ago though.

Basically my DH set up his own business 2 years ago approx, at the time of my last thread, he had worked continually for 10 months, and I do mean continually, 7 days a week, no time off at all.

The gist of the responses, was for me to get my own life basically, and let him have some time to set up the business, with him making some compromise and having some time off.

Well, here I am again, I'm so sick of fighting for the smallest amount of time from him for me and the kids. I currently have a chest infection, which I've had for a while, its taking its time to go and feel like c**p, but no lo and behold he's phoned me to say "I've got to work this weekend". I said please don't I'm not feeling great and DS aged 5 is currently being a right pain, which he knows and acknowledges, he's reply: "I've GOT to, you'll be ok".

NO, I won't be ok, I've had it!!!!

Yes I've told him this, he sees it as me being over dramatic, and instead of taking the 4 DC to nan's, shopping, etc which we normally do on a Saturday, I should stay in and then it won't be so bad????? I'm not so sure if that's the case, I can't really determine which is worst, sitting in all day with a DS who's constantly misbehaving or trying to go out with him?

Sorry, just a moaning post really, I'm a bit of a lurker, so don't normally post, but I would love someone just once to be on my side.

Ah, I feel your pain. My DP also started his own business a year ago and works all of the time, 7 days a week, evenings etc as he is the only employee. At the same time he started his own business we had our first dc.

Like you, I have had the same responses when I have asked/begged for some help...."I can't, I have to work". I don't know about you, but the resentment I feel is HUGE and it's a horrible feeling to carry around.

How does he speak to you when you try and explain your feelings on the subject? Whenever I try and talk to my Dp about it, saying that he needs to spend time with his baby, that it can't all be about work all weekend and that I myself need some adult company and a few hours away from baby care he just gets all arsey and defensive and rude to me and it ends up in an argument.

I think it's a dreadful attitude to have, to put work before family. It's understandable that running your own business comes with pressures that we can't really fully understand, BUT, running a home, looking after a child, cooking, cleaning, washing, having no time whatsover for yourself, is extremely difficult. The child you have isn't your child alone, it's yours and his and he has to do his share of looking after your dc, work or no work. A child isn't something to opt in and out of.

I don't know about you, but what I find very hurtful is that my DP should WANT to spend as much time with dc as possible, but it seems to me that he puts work before dc and that upsets me and makes me resentful.

I have read on here before from other people that without your support at home, cooking, cleaning etc and looking after dc, he wouldn't have been able to spend all that time building up his business. Perhaps trying to explain that to him might make him see a bit of sense? However, if he is as selfish as my DP he won't see sense, he will just see that you are moaning and that your should just shut your mouth if you can't support him.

If you had a bit of time without dc, a few hours each week, then you would be able to recharge your batteries and would find it a lot easier to deal with dc when he is playing up. If you are exhausted all of the time and, like me, have no break whatsoever from dc, you start to lose patience and get niggley with dc and that is no good for anyone.

I suggest you make it very clear that this situation is no good for you, for dc and no good for his bonding time with dc and suggest a time each weekend that is your time away from dc.

Good luck.

Sorry you're having to deal with this. I'm self-employed myself and work at least six days a week, but if I have to work at the weekend, we usually get an ad hoc nanny to come and help with the kids so it doesn't all fall on DH. Is that a possibility or are you strapped?

Is he working this hard for financial reasons or because he's just made that way? Was he always like this or is it just since starting the new business? If it's due to the stress of getting a business off the ground and feeling unable to turn work down, then I can sympathise with him, but really it shouldn't make your life a misery. of course you've had it - dealing with all the kids on your own. You have to have some help, if not from him, then from somewhere else.

Pink delight - can you shed some light on how it is being self employed? I mean, you work 6 days a week, is that through choice (ie, you love it, it's the way you are) or through necessity as perhaps your DH doesn't work? Do you expect your DH to do everything for you at the weekend? Cook, clean, look after kids or when you are at home do you muck in a share the load?

DH works too, but 9-5, five days a week. It's a stressful job and he brings work home a lot, but he also loves his homelife and does a lot of the cooking, housework, childcare. I do muck in with the kids, but honestly, most of the other stuff is done by him and he's okay with it, so far. We've 'only' got two kids though. No way could he (or we) cope with any more. And since having DS2, we've used a LOT of childcare, esp when I work weekends. I'd rather spend the money and know the kids are well-looked after, even if it means I'm not making as much. Does that sound mad - that I'd rather work and break-even than spend all weekend doing family things? Maybe I am a bit of a workaholic!

I do love my work, but it's also a compulsion and there's a strong feeling that if I don't use all the time I can to get ahead, I won't fulfil my 'potential'. I know that sounds like hamster-wheel madness, doesn't it? And I totally know that whole thing about looking back on your life and wishing you hadn't worked so hard. But if I don't do it, I feel like I'm not achieving, and to be honest I don't get much sense of achievement from looking after children as I'm not as good at it. It may not be the same for your fellers, but as hard as it is working long hours doing a stressful job, it's a rather a refuge compared to childcare.

I do sympathise, OP, my parents had their own business when I was growing up and because it was seasonal they were working 7 days a week for about 3/4 of the year. Having your own business is a hard slog. He says he's "got to", not that he wants to and I suppose like all self employed people he worries that if he's not working, he's not getting paid/other firms will get the business etc etc? You mention going to Nan's - is there any way relatives could lend you a hand this weekend so you can get some rest?

I think you need a bottom-line conversation with your husband.

You are going to be seriously ill if you don't rest with a chest infection looking after 4 children on your own, he needs to know that.

Is there some reason he is working very hard right now, like he's afraid of going bankrupt/not making enough money to pay the mortgage? In other words, is he normally a workaholic or is this a response to extreme circumstances which he is now trapped in?

The other issue is the relationship with the children. My husband lives away in the week now and it's hard enough to sustain a close relationship with the children, even though they were very bonded before, and even though we see him every weekend. I imagine that your children don't have much time with him, indeed, he's not really thinking about them or interacting with them much at all. How do they feel about that? What does he say if you point this out?

I'd support a partner to work very very hard for a month or two during a crisis time, I've also had work crises myself and my husband has taken the children every weekend for a while. But I would not live like that permanently and it's actually quite sad that he thinks this is ok, which is why I wonder if the business is more in crisis than you realise.

Talking more, even if you have to call him in the office, is the only solution.

Empty & Pink,

Than you so much for replying, I have calmed down a bit now, but I am so sad about the whole situation.

Empty - He works all the time as he loves it bascially, the business is now stable and thriving, too thriving, hes so busy I know, but it wouldn't hurt to turn some work away from time to time. I do everything, all household chores, homework, school workshops, shopping, gardening, visiting relatives, childcare, birthdays. christmas - everything. When I speak to him, he just doesn't get it, as the kids do behave differently when he's around so he doesn't see the things I have to put up with. He thinks by staying in with them and letting them play in the house/garden, its just easy to look after them, but it really isn't especially at the moment as I'm not 100%

I must admit he doesn't argue with me when I bring up the subject but he acts like I'm going on and nagging, which I probably am as there is never any change from him.

I agree with the resentment side as well as thats I all I feel, very resentful, sad, down and very martyr like - which isn't a nice feeling.

I'm like you in the sense that we decided as a couple to have children and although it wasn't a plan at the time to start a business, it just sort of arose, that doesn't mean he can opt out of being a father and husband. There has to be a balance.

Pink - Thanks for your comments. I do understand that its a big thing to start up a business as I've lived and breathed it for 2 years now, but I have the added battle that he loves his job and the fact he is in demand - which he thrives on. He has always been a grafter, put that in with its his own business and there you have it - hes never here.

When ever I bring up the subject in a controlled way, rather than in the middle of an argument, he does seem to see my point of view, but always refers to the financial benefits of having a successful business, which is great but money doesn't buy happiness does it??

He wants me to carry on shouldering the burden of the kids, house and family life, (extended family included), and go out and about at the weekends, school holidays on my own to attractions - but we have 4 DC ffs, its not that easy or enjoyable going everywhere on my own. I really feel like a single parent, I don't think the school even knows what he looks like, if he did in the unlikely event ever try to pick the kids up from school, I don't think they would give him the DC.

Suburbandream - No family to have them, my parents and sister all work full time, and my mum couldn't cope with my 2 DS's they are a handful to put it mildly, put that in with teenage girls, and its not a nice picture:-)

My mother in law who we visit on Saturdays isn't in great health so no joy there either.

Nice thought though thanks.

Mumsyblouse - I've had countless conversations with him, to avail. We did agree at the last crisis conversation we had, that he would work all week and have 2 weekends off a month, he stuck to it for about 6 weeks, then back to square one, as "he was rushed off his feet and he needs to get the job done"

I even asked him to stop saying to me about working weekends, he should not even mention them to me, he should say no to working the weekend, so then I wouldn't be the bad guy, saying he shouldn't be working or asking him not to. But no I keep getting calls from him saying "I've got to work this weekend", and then me, "no not again, etc etc".

So, in an average week, what time does he spend with you and the children? Is he there in the evenings?

I would certainly reinstate the 2 weekends not working a month as an absolute minimum. Who cares if his clients need him? His family needs him too.

My husband is a workaholic, so I am sympathetic, but a) he took time out when my second was born and stayed home a few days a week for a year or two and that helped massively with bonding/having fun with dad and b) even he sticks to 2 evenings a week at home, plus one day on the weekend, when he was working very hard.

Hedwig, your last post really struck a chord with me, re my own past.

My h and I both work for ourselves, although I work a great deal less these days, as the work isnt there.

In the past I was self employed, but my h wasnt. This was when the kids were little, but now they are 11, 13 and 15, and 2 more grown up. We have been together 22 years, and married 18.

We went though a great deal of trouble in our marriage last year, and are only now getting over it. There was years of internet sex chatting on his side, which I only discovered recently.

Obviously, I dont think this is your situation! However, I can offer some insights:

My h always worked hard, because, like your h, he loved it. He got a real self esteem buzz from it.

He said all the things which your h says, and over the years I became increasingly resentful, working hard myself, running the house, all weekend with the kids, him home late after bedtime, and also his increasingly foolish 'spoiling' of them in order to compensate, undermining me.

I came to see that, for him, his work was about himself, and he was selfish. He just didnt care if I was ill, that I may want time off, or family time. He didnt care if I had to juggle constantly, and sort out all the kid and teenager issues myself. And he was tired at the weekends and evenings, so he wanted to relax when he wasnt working. I have spent many a sunny weekend afternoon, with the kids running riot, or out alone with them, wondering why I just didnt leave him. The laptop came on holiday, which he limited to a week.

Over time, this lead to me withdrawing intimacy, I think. It didnt help that he mostly stayed up after I went to bed, to 'wind down' after a late homecoming at 9 or 10. I was so shattered, I was asleep by 11ish.

We argued alot, and although he didnt dare use the 'nagging' word, he did see me as critical. But he just couldnt see me or my needs at all.

When things got a bit more stressful for him workwise, eventually, he started to sex chat other women. I did find evidence (photos) but he always had a convincing story re downloading music, or some crap.

By the time I was ready to leave, and had seen a solicitor, we went to Relate, last October.

He had to see that his approach to work was a form of addiction, to address fundamental low self esteem, despite outward confidence. He came to see that

-he had treated me very badly, and demanded more for himself than was fair. -that women are unlikely to feel loving and intimate when they are royally dumped on.
-that sex addiction (if you want to call it that, some wouldnt) is similar to workaholism or other addictions, and he just added one to the other, as many do

• that his attitude to internet sex was a form of replacing his feelings about himself, which work had provided

-that he had no mechanisms to control his life and manage stress

• that you reap what you sow with your kids
• and that if you want a good marriage and to feel loved, admired and respected at home, you have to treat your wife/partner/husband as well as you do others.

My example may be specific and extreme, but I do think that people who neglect their marriages and families for years on end in favour of work, are taking real long term risks with their relationships. This always come home to roost in one way or another.

fiventhree - Thank you for taking the time to post to me and sharing so much. I'm sorry that you have been through so much, and although some of your post doesn't relate to me, some of it does, I do go to bed a lot on my own early as I'm so bloody knackered, and our intimacy is at an all time low, I am resentful as well, but I can't change much on my own, he needs to meet me half way - if he doesn't soon, I'm not sure where I will go from here.

Well, one thing doesnt always lead to another, does it? All Im saying is that I was EXACTLY where you are now, when I was in my late thirties and forties.

All this work, and the resentment, makes people grow apart. That is for sure. It has shitty long term consequences.

Already , you dont feel heard, or cared about, you are tired, lonely, and intimacy is sliding. You go to bed alone. My h just took the next step, as he had got away with the rest, and could put up with the moaning, even saw it as my fault!

As a professional myself at the time, and given the specific nature of my work, which I wont mention, I could see that this level of ongoing work commitment was not healthy. Women dont usually do it- they cant.

It may not hurt at this stage to go to Relate, I wish we had earlier. At least if you go before there is a crisis, you can treat it as a relationship MOT and look at ways of equalising things.

Get out for dinner and ask him- what does he want out of a relationship and a life? Name 5 things. You do the same. Then see if the current picture matches it.

If not (and it wont, will it), what are you BOTH going to do about it? How will you stop the inevitable backsliding (after 6 weeks? It was usually 2 or 3 in our case).

Fiventhree - what a great post and fascinating to read. You have written exactly how I feel too...not feeling heard or cared about, lonely (all words I have said to my partner). And you are totally right, that thinking about work over family (whether it's in a crisis or not) long term is utterly selfish. Like your H, I think my partner gets his self-esteem kicks from work as he is very good at it, always does very well. He also sees my moaning as my fault, that I'm a nighmare etc.

OP - I only have one child. Lord only knows how you cope with 4. It is totally selfish behaviour from your partner. You must be so so lonely, hurt and resentful. I feel this with one, so those feelings you have must be way worse.

Does he not see that he is essentially not only hurting you with his workaholicism, but also the kids? He is missing out on them growing up. I don't know about you, but as a mother, I find that hurtful to think you've had a child with a man that cares more about work than he does his kids and partner.

If you can get him to go to counselling try, try as hard as you can, you have to find a way to get yourself heard before you get depressed from the resentment.

Alas for me my partner flatly refuses to go to counselling, sees anything I say as moaning etc and my resentment is too huge for me to cope with. I have decided to leave him as the resentment has killed any love.

Don't let that happen to you. Try and as harder as you can to save it but don't let you slip away. you have to be happy for your kids and for yourself.

Sorry ladies no advice but tons of sympathy for you Hedwig.

Exactly the same boat here. Our kids are 4 and 2 now and he's missed so much I'm not sure I can ever really forgive him.

He was too busy at work for scans, too busy to take time off when I had a miscarriage, spent both labours on his blackberry, and flat out refused to take any more than the 2 weeks paternity leave even though I was struggling with PND.

He works 8am until past midnight most days (often even later) and although he is home most weekends, he is either upstairs in his office on the phone, looking at his blackberry or too exhausted to do anything. Same at holidays.

We've grown apart because of it and I tend to treat him more like a visiting relative than a part of the family now - we make plans on the assumption he won't be here and then it's great if he does join in but not a disappointment if he is working.

Sadly, we're approaching crisis point now as i've started to notice it's affecting the kids. 4yo endlessly tells him he wants Mummy instead and that he should go back to work and 2yo has taken to playing offices all day long.

Annoyingly people sympathise with him- I've lost count of the times I've had people say 'your poor DH, he works so hard....' and even 'he's such a good dad, he works so hard for the family'.

But of course that's the point - he doesn't, he works hard for him. He was offered a 9-5 job that paid more than he earns now but turned it down because he loves his job/career - so it isn't about money. It's about him enjoying work more than home life and I'm devastated (for our children) that's the case.

Sorry, that turned into a bit of a rant but needed to get it out!

On Wandymum, poor you,that sounds awful. He sounds even worse that OP's DH. To act like you say he has through your miscarriage and labours and PND, disgraceful.

And yes, I totally understand the people sympathising with the man...my Mum does the same "poor DH, he's just doing his best, you must help him more, not nag him etc"....grrrr. I say the same as you, they work that hard because that is who they are, they would do it regardless of whether they had kids to support or not.

Yes, we should all be grateful to have working partners who bring the money in to support the kids, BUT at what cost? Where is the balance ?

Fiventhree you have hit the nail on the head, this is an addiction for these men (and the odd woman) and not about needing the money. This is clear as they continue to work even when any crisis has passed or when there is a real emergency at home (Wandymum I would think you are finding it hard to forgive quite how let down you have been during your pregnancies and when you were ill).

And what happens is that the woman starts to function as a single parent until something gives. Hopefully at this point they realise they are going to lose everything, but not always :(

Wandymum - Thanks for posting, my DH also worked through a miscarriage and left me to deal with the practical side,(I know you know what I mean), with my youngest son, who was 2, and followed me everywhere, so did follow me into the bathroom.......

DH agreed to come how a little earlier Friday and pick the eldest 2 girls up from school, they are in secondary school. But I got a phone call at 2ish Fri, to say he couldn't pick them, could I ring the school and let them know, he eventually came in at 5.45pm

He went out again this morning at 6.10am, who knows what time he'll come home???

I cried most of yesterday, not today, today I'm giving him regular updates by text, i.e

6.40 - Boys got up
6.42 - boys argued about nerf gun
7.05 - dog was sick, had to clean it up, (with chest infection-you have remembered I'm not well haven't you)

I think by tonight he will be getting peeed off of all the texts :-)

I asked him yesterday how he would work all the hours if I wasn't here, he wouldn't be able to do it, but no his answer was, "I would ask my mum"

What more can I say???

I feel so sorry for you. It's really shit. Short sighted of your H too. He may regret it one day. I'm afraid I would be petty, and stop doing anything for him, but probably not the greatest plan. Just have my sympathy really.

"I asked him yesterday how he would work all the hours if I wasn't here, he wouldn't be able to do it, but no his answer was, "I would ask my mum""

Where does your MiL live? If it's within 40minutes drive (and you trust her) pack up all their stuff for the day, drive them to your MiL and when she opens the door brightly explain that DH said that she would not mind looking after them for the day and that you will see her at 5. If she says she already has plans brightly (it's very important to keep upbeat and smilely) explain you are very sorry but she will have to ring DH as he said that she wouldn't mind and you have things to do.
Do this every Saturday.

"Yes, we should all be grateful to have working partners who bring the money in to support the kids, BUT at what cost? Where is the balance ?"

Erm why should you be grateful to a partner who treats you as a housekeeper, nanny, PA, dogsbody who puts his needs above yours and the children?

Or the other thing hedwig6 if his business is going well and you do have a little spare cash is to get a nanny one day a week to look after the children whilst you have a day off.

If your DH won't change then look at what about the situation you can change. Hire a cleaner? Get someone in to do the ironing? Childcare once a week?

I know it's not a long term solution but, tomorrow, why not get up before him and head off out, leave him a note or send a text saying 'need a rest, will be back this evening' and just leave him to it?

He'll have to manage, either by phoning him mum or on his own, and you can go to a friend's house/spa/family/walk and then a coffee shop or whatever is most appropriate given how rubbish you feel.

Or if he's likely to get up at silly o'clock to head out to work, how about booking yourself a hotel room for tonight (doesn't need to be an expensive one if you're skint) and go to it tonight as soon as he returns, so you can have a lie in and a chill out day tomorrow?

If he's not going to give you some time, then take it anyway - or you could see it as 'if he's not going to give any time to the family, then force him into doing so'. He's an inconsiderate selfish arse, who needs to take responsibility for the fact that he chose to breed children.

I sympathise with both of you here. I dont think sending texts every few minutes is going to help the situation at all though.. :( he is not on a golf course or out on a jolly with his mates, he IS working.

If you have two girls at secondary school that means they are old enough to be helping out around the house a bit, especially if you are unwell.