Workaholic DH

[hedwig06]

I've posted on this subject before - a while ago though.

Basically my DH set up his own business 2 years ago approx, at the time of my last thread, he had worked continually for 10 months, and I do mean continually, 7 days a week, no time off at all.

The gist of the responses, was for me to get my own life basically, and let him have some time to set up the business, with him making some compromise and having some time off.

Well, here I am again, I'm so sick of fighting for the smallest amount of time from him for me and the kids. I currently have a chest infection, which I've had for a while, its taking its time to go and feel like c**p, but no lo and behold he's phoned me to say "I've got to work this weekend". I said please don't I'm not feeling great and DS aged 5 is currently being a right pain, which he knows and acknowledges, he's reply: "I've GOT to, you'll be ok".

NO, I won't be ok, I've had it!!!!

Yes I've told him this, he sees it as me being over dramatic, and instead of taking the 4 DC to nan's, shopping, etc which we normally do on a Saturday, I should stay in and then it won't be so bad????? I'm not so sure if that's the case, I can't really determine which is worst, sitting in all day with a DS who's constantly misbehaving or trying to go out with him?

Sorry, just a moaning post really, I'm a bit of a lurker, so don't normally post, but I would love someone just once to be on my side.

Queen - I like your idea of turning up on MIL doorstep, shes not in the best of health, which we get told all the time about, she would be agog if I turned up and dumped the kids on her, but what about the kids??? They are the reason I keep going would it be fair to them? I don't know but I am tempted.

Croc - You must be a mind reader I was awake about 5 this morning coughing, and did lie there and think, shall I get up and go out, but I didn't - coward that I am.

Thanks for all your input, I really don't know what the solution is other than threatening to leave, but I really don't want to do that. I might ask my mum to have them and arrange a meal out somewhere - which we haven't been out on our own for about 2 years, so that will be a shock to the system on its own.

Squeaky, I know what you mean about the texts - it is of course petty, but that's how I feel, petty. I want to annoy him, and remind him of his responsibilities at home. With him its out of sight out of mind, when he's at work he doesn't give us a second thought.

It would definately be a much worse situation having a husband who was a lazy bastard sitting around the house, while you were doing everything.

I suppose because I have grown up in a family where all the men were self employed or working for the family businesses, long hours, 7 day weeks and such are the norm for me. My husband works long hours, is often working away from home, and I run a business with my stepson that at the moment is really full on, and my DIL drives me mad with her moaning that he is never at home... but she enjoys the financial security that comes with so much work, so I find my patience wearing a bit thin with her at times when she is nagging at him to cut down on his hours. When you are running a business it is just not that easy to do. Turning work away is just not something that you can do easily.

He may be working, but he isn't working at full effectiveness from 6.10am to midnight, or whatever, he's not superman and his concentration will be low at many points in the day. My husband works long hours (and works away), so do I, but not to the extent I never see my children, how ridiculous would that be.

I would give up with the texts/crying, he's used to shutting you out emotionally and carrying on (hence the MIL remark) and it will only make you feel worse and rejected.

I think planning a night out would be good, not just to talk about heavy issues, but to inject some fun or relaxation for the both of you.

But you do seem to have got stuck in this dynamic where you are like an irritating fly which he swats away to get on with his work. If you don't want to leave, then you have to think how will that dynamic change- either by accepting it (is he likely to change given you have teenagers?), doing different things yourself (e.g. being less available, outsourcing the crap jobs to a cleaner/gardener, getting an interesting job yourself). Planning to change him, when he doesn't see the issue (as he is immune to your nagging) is unlikely to work as you have little bargaining power.

Squeakytoy - "it's not that easy to turn work down"....so it's not easy to turn work down but it's easy to not support your partner, not see your kids etc yes?

I think what is being said here is that work shouldn't be more important than the happiness of the family. And for the workaholics, it is and that's SO wrong. Do you think that your DIL nags your stepson for no good reason? No, she nags him (I HATE that word nag), she gets upset with him probably because he is not there, not there for the kids or the marriage or whatever. He is putting work before the more important things in life, like human beings.

Yes, if these men didn't work then they wouldn't have food on the table, a house etc perhaps,...but, I think that realistically, there would still be food, a house etc if they cut down on working 7 days a week and compromised. However, if they continue to work 7 days and have no input into their family life then there will be no family left.

"I like your idea of turning up on MIL doorstep, shes not in the best of health, which we get told all the time about, she would be agog if I turned up and dumped the kids on her, but what about the kids??? They are the reason I keep going would it be fair to them? I don't know but I am tempted."

It's one day, even if she just sticks them in front of the TV for the day who cares.

There are lots of solutions here, just pick one.