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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Meeting the OW...advice please

34 replies

SeizingLife · 29/02/2012 22:09

I've been separated 12 months, exDH has been with his girlfriend for most of that time but insists that they were 'just friends' until after we split.
She met our kids v early on, against my wishes. He now wants me to meet her, for selfish reasons only- not for the kids, but to stop him & her feeling like they are hiding from me.
I don't want to, I still feel angry & hurt, but if I do, what on earth do I say, how do I deal with it?
I'm not with a new man, so have no support on that front.
Any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:
pinkhalf · 29/02/2012 22:12

Don't meet, don't bother. You will just be humiliating yourself.

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 29/02/2012 22:13

Don't give them the satisfaction.

'No ta, I'm fine with you carrying on feeling awkward if it's ok with you.'

LittleHouseofCamelias · 29/02/2012 22:13

Hi Seizing

You don't have any responsibility to make them "feel better". After all they are showing a gross lack of sensitivity towards you and not trying to help you feel better are they?

If you don't want to meet her or play happy families with her then just say "no thanks". You don't have to go along with it and if he springs her on you suddenly then you can just walk away. It is okay to feel how you do. These things take time and your XH will just have to accept that.

mrswrite · 29/02/2012 22:16

Don't put yourself through it, you have no obligation it's their 'issue' go at your own paceSmile

LineRunner · 29/02/2012 22:17

I helped myself by posting some thoughts on another thread today. I had a burst of illumination as to how my ExH-who-left-me and his new girlfriend were desperate to be able to say of me, 'Oh, she's fine.'

Well, sometimes women just aren't fine. And you're not fine. So like pinkhalf and TheCrunchUnderfoot say, if you don't want to do it, don't do it.

Just decline their invitation. 'Thank you for your invitation, but I wish to decline.'

castille · 29/02/2012 22:20

No don't! What have you got to gain?

Onesunnymorningin2012 · 29/02/2012 22:20

You don't have to meet her just to make him feel okay. I'd tell him (disclaimer: no experience to offer) to fuck off. Why should you meet her just because he wants you to?

AvaMaria · 29/02/2012 22:20

Absolutely do not meet her, TheCrunch put it best: who cares how they feel! Think about yourself, there is no need to meet her at all, doesn't look like they care about your feelings, so do not be pushed into a meeting you do not want

AvaMaria · 29/02/2012 22:21

Ps you don't need to give any reason except you don't see a need and it doesn't matter what they want

TheCrackFox · 29/02/2012 22:22

Tell him to piss off, he is your ex and you do not have to do anything he says.

Jnice · 29/02/2012 22:24

Agreed with everyone. Put yourself first and say 'no'. Someone on MN said that 'no is complete sentence' and that is so true! You have nothing to gain from this and you owe them nothing.

Don't do it!

ifeelloved · 29/02/2012 22:25

Why on earth would you want to meet her? Tell him that you don't have to do things in order to make him feel good about himself anymore, he made sure of that when he left

rightchoice · 29/02/2012 22:26

You could try, thanks but no thanks, I like it just the way it is.

Pandygirl · 29/02/2012 22:26

If you don't want to meet your ex partners new girlfriend, then you don't have to, but aren't you interested in knowing who your children are spending time with?

TinyPants · 29/02/2012 22:28

Don't go, don't put yourself through it - sounds like you have been through enough.

AwkwardMary · 29/02/2012 22:28

No way! I bet...I just BET she is all inecure about you and has asked. SAY NO! Piss off! How rude of him!

ledkr · 29/02/2012 22:29

How ridiculous,i dont even make eye contact with exs ow,i help dd buy her gifts for birthdays and xmas and for their new baby but i still dont feel any need to meet her,tell him you dont want to and ask if hed like to meet your new Justin Timberlake esque toyboy boyfriend.

foolonthehill · 29/02/2012 22:31

why meet so he can feel good? You don't want to, you don't have to! You have the luxury of choice.

CuttedUpPear · 29/02/2012 22:34

I don't want to be the devil's advocate here, but this thread reminded me of something.
I was not the OW but DP had only been split from his relationship of ten years and three children for 3 months when we met and got together (a bad move on my part).

I spent most weekends with their DCs as well as my own DD and I really felt like I wanted to be friends with his ex as we had common ground there and I liked her DCs a lot. Actually DP was quite good friends with her, it was just me that was out of the picture.

I asked and asked to meet her, he told me to ring her up, which I did, she told me she didn't want to know me.

So I had to take it on the chin. And maybe that's what the OW in this case will have to do.
funnily enough DP stayed great mates with her and went on days out with her and treated me appallingly but that's another story

JasperJohns · 29/02/2012 22:36

I would say no.

My friend's husband left her (with a baby) for another woman 12 years ago.

He is still with the OW and my friend has a very civilised relationship with him as they have a child, but she has never met or spoken to the OW and has no intention of ever doing so.

Original poster
SeizingLife · 29/02/2012 22:53

Thanks for the strength ladies.
pandygirl yes, there is that side, but I know enough about her to know she is safe and good with my kids, they really like her, so I do not feel the need to meet her for that reason.
I guess I is easy to be emotionally manipulated when you feel shut about yourself, but with the help on here I will stay strong.
It is only during the 'exchange of children' that it will ever be an issue, and I am determined to keep that as stress free as possible for the benefit of the kids.
ldker I'm on the hunt for my JT....I just seems to be taking some time.
jnice 'no is a sentnce' I am going to adopt that as a mantra for my communications with him, thank you.
I feel better already.

OP posts:
steelchic · 29/02/2012 23:09

I have been thinking of asking to meet STBXH's GF. Not that I realy wanted to meet her but I just would have loved to see my EX'S face when I asked. No way would he be happy for me to speak to the woman who broke us up (just incase I tell my side of the story - which no doubt is differnt from his side)
I would love to see him looking so awkward and worrried, but I think I would just scream and shout at her as it is still very raw and I don't want to make a complete pratt of myself.
Do what you think is right for you, don't do it to make them feel better why should you
All the best xx

Original poster
SeizingLife · 29/02/2012 23:15

Cheers steel, when I do meet I want to be cool, calm & collected...hence not being ready yet. I have no doubt he'll be shitting himself when it actually comes to it.... But it will be when I am ready and on my terms :-)

OP posts:
steelchic · 29/02/2012 23:30

Good for you, get your lippy on and let her know that you are doing good and that she is welcome to him x

TheOutlawLauraPalmer · 29/02/2012 23:40

Okay - this is a bit of a backwards response, but...my DP's exW was desperate to meet me and form a relationship with me when I came into his life (a year after they separated) because she was the cheater and she felt guilty. She wanted to 'instantly make it all better' because now that he had a new GF she could play guilt-free happy families with the OM.

Do not be swayed - you have NO responsibility to meet the OW if you are not ready. You are NOT obligated to alleviate his guilt for being a lying cheating bastard. It is NOT your job to clear their guilt. You didn't fuck up - he did. And you DO NOT OWE HIM THE SATISFACTION OF FEELING 'OKAY' ABOUT HIS CHEATING.

Sorry. I feel really strongly about this because cheaters cut a horrible path of destruction out of their own selfish desires and they deserve to feel the weight of the impact of their shitty choices.

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