What the hell have i done? (long story-sorry)

[Loobie]

Background-I have been separated from my partner of 10 years for a year and a half now.We have three children one of which(dd) was born while we were separated and our eldest son is autistic with all its problems.We separated when i was 5 months pregnant with dd she was our little unplanned surprise.Ex p had huge difficulties accepting ds1 and his problems,he was never off his case and treated him as a badly behaved child firstly rather than one who had problems.

He never accepted dd while in my tum refusing to come to first scan or talk about babe whatsoever,and whenever someone else spoke of the baby exp changed the subject.My pregnancy with dd was my worst ever also coupled up with the problems with exp and ds1 i was having a really rough time until i could take no more and i asked him to leave,which after major discussions he did.

When dd was born we decided, mostly i must admit on his side, that we would give our relationship a try.I suffered from PND as i did after the other 2 kids and am even now still on and off medication.He never moved back into the family home even though it's what he really wanted,i never felt ready to have him come and live with us again.Throughout this trial of our relationship i was never fully sure what i wanted from him and he always new that it may never come round to us living together again,i always told him that i dont know which way my head is going and couldn't guarantee that i would take him back full time but if he wanted to wauit around it was up to him,so he did wait around until 5/6 months ago when we called it a day.

BUT..................Dd was 1 on 2nd november and i held a huge party/naming ceremony which exp attended.He then made no contact for a whole week which is very unusual of him.The scary part was though that when he did make contact i should have been fuming but i was only glad to see him.Over the fortnight since then i have discovered my feelings for him coming back.I discussed this with my bf on saturday then with exp on Monday night.He was shocked and stunned to say the least when i told him and laid myself bare to my feelings,we spoke till 1 in the morning,with him saying he didn't think it'd work because of so much that had gone on but that he loved me and still wanted me but wished i could have told him this 6 months before to which i replied that i didnt know i felt this way then.Anyway i walked around totally gutted,physically and emotionally i gave him everything on monday night.
He back in last night where he told me that he had met someone else and slept with her once,she is living unhappily with a partner and has 2 kids and i have fu**ed his head up because he felt he was moving on but me saying this has shown he hasnt really.

I fell so stupid to think that i could have the right to have him back and am trying to be strong and say to myself well i always knew that the day may come when i wanted him back but that it might be too late.I know the girl he was with and and everytime i stop and think i see her face with him or him with her kids and not mine.

WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE???

If you have gotten to this point thank you for taking the time to read about my sorry sorry mess.

Loobie, sorry to hear about your situation, sounds so complicated. Would it help for you to take a bit more time out and not have any contact with him for a while? By bf do you mean boyfrind or best friend? If the first, that makes it even more complicated! If the second, what was her advice? Would he consider counselling with you? Do you definintely want hm back> IS this made stronger by finding out he was with someone else?
Sorry I can't be any help, just wanted to let you know I'd read your post. Hope someone else has more useful advice.

oh loobie poor you.it must be really hard for you at the moment.i would say by going by your post that he still does seem to have feelings for you too.im afraid though that for the moment all you can do is wait and see what happens and what he decides.personally i dont think you have done too much at all ,in all fairness he had the problem with his autistic child and with your daughter,all youve done all the way through is care for your children and be honest with him about your feelings.how is he with your childen now?
as i said before all you can do is wait for him to make up his mind ...who knows he may come back ,he obviously hasnt been with this woman too long and remember you are the mother of his children.
i hope evrything works out but if it doesnt dont think its all down to you it seems he was the one who caused the problems in the first place.
thinking of you

thanks hayls i meant best friend she says dont worry what others think do what i feel,if pushed i would say yes i do still want him back and him seeing someone doesn't really alter that but i know i will find it extremely difficult to accept and get over.
The only way we will get on is through counselling to help resolve other issues which caused the initial breakup of our relationship so if we do go for it we will be taking the counselling route anyway.
I know that if i kept away from him i would fume away to myself thinking he was with her.

This sounds complicated. My first instinct is to say that this 'other woman' is not really and issue as she and your ex are hardly in what can be termed as a relationship, they have only been out a few times and slept together once (by the sounds of it). In my opinion she is not really a threat to your future chances of reconciling your relationship with DP, especially as he has told you that he is nowhere near 'over you' IYSWIM.

I do think that relate or similar couples counselling is a good idea as it sounds like you both still love each other and have the core feelings necessary but there are practicalities in the way. It sounds like you may be able to resolve these other obstacles with a trained 3rd party.

Sorry, 'not really AN issue'

Loobie - I also can't give any good advise but have read your thread and hope all works out well in the end. At the risk of sounded really silly - what is IYSWIM - WSM you missed that off your last list??

ROFL,

IYSWIM = If You See What I Mean
IYKWIM = If You Know What I Mean
FWIW = For What It's Worth
BTW = By The Way

This must be really difficult and confusing for you.

I think you have done the right thing though - letting him know about your feelings etc. The only thing you can do now is wait for him to get his head round it all really. Suggest you give yourself some treats to take your mind off it - have a big day out, a new haircut or something!

Oh, Loobie, what terrible timing. But at least you told him you felt this way before he told you about the someone else - this way you both know that you are sincere and not just trying to stop someone else having him, IYSWIM.

It doesn't sound as if he is very far in with this other girl - maybe he will be able to back off without too much damage being done and you can have counselling and sort things out. Good luck.

Would Relate help? It sounds as you might benefit from some help from an outsider who can help you explore your feelings in this situation. It does sound quite complicated, but if you both have love for each other and three children, it seems worth exploring every option

Loobie, do you think he has told you about this other woman so if he does get back with you it is a totally honest relationship? I think thats what it sounds like. Relationships are very hard if you have an sn child (like me) emotions are all over the place and many of us suffer from depression. Also alot of men are usually in denial of the situation, so you are not alone on that score! If you did have post natal depression you would also be unaware of your own feelings for your ex.

I think if you do both give it another try it would be best to take things slowly, maybe try counselling as aloha suggests. It would be worth it if it works.

Are you regretting your boyfriend or regretting telling your ex? Sorry I couldnt work it out. I think you are very brave facing up to things even if it doesnt work out as you would have hoped, but I hope it does

Fio he told me about the other women so that he was being honest which is something we always had,honesty and 100%trust.He met her at a club went back to his,slept together though she didnt stay the night and they have seen each other 4 or 5 times since then but not slept together again,as he says things are difficult because she has a partner whom she lives with.
He knows my mental health history and also that i can be a very hot headed(to say the least) person but is very concerned about what i will do to HER which i found very upsetting as i was more concerned about what i might do to myself.

Loobie all I can say is if you want him back
GO AND GET HIM
hope everything goes well.

ignore the bit about this other woman then and agree with doormat if you want to him go and get him Or does he think you are being hot headed about wanting to get back with him?

Loobie, hope you're feeling Ok and can sort it out.

No he is worried about what i might do to her which is nothing really, its not like she done anything wrong,as i keep trying to remind myself he was a free agent to go with who he wants,but its hard to remind myself of this when i want him back even though it was me who put him out there in the first place.

but you've had a boyfriend too, haven't you? Not saying it makes it quits but like you say you were both free agents. If you think it is going to make problems though maybe a bit of counselling will help, if you are both willing to go. It does really sound like you have a chance, I hope so

Go get him!

No fio i haven't had anyone in our time apart by bf i meant best friend not boyfriend.

oops sorry

I would believe him if he told me it was over with her and he tried to make an effort with me,i just can't believe that my head has come round this way after so long,neither of us expected this to come up.

Loobie, just had a quick read through the updated messages - do you think he went with this woman because she is already with someone and wouldn't be making commitment demands on him? I agree with the others go out and get him, you have laid yourself bare so he knows how you feel, but I would be reluctant to let him just string you along until he decides where the grass is greener - and to reiterate on some of the other comments - don't rush into anything. Easy for me to say though. Without boring you all about relationship problems - my mum used to say, you don't want him but you don't want anyone else to have him either......

I never thought about the non committment thing.We were to get married in August 2001 and he backed out,the dress was bought,the reception sorted,the registry office booked minor details left like flowers,cake etc but the big things were sorted.His reason was that even though we had been together short of 8 years at that point,the date of the wedding was coming round too quickly,from decision to wedding date was about 7-8months.I suppose our relationship then went slowly down hill from then on,he still loved me and wanted to marry me but i was having none of it as i felt i had been made a big enough fool of.So maybe you have a point DSW must bring it up to him.

Good Luck!! Did you manage to speak to him at all yet? Take Care and make sure you do what is right for you.

well we spoke again last night and he is erring on the not coming back side but he says its because he was so hurt and doesn't think he can go through all that again.So i am trying to reasure him it will never happen as i am willing to do anything i need to to make sure i never hurt him lie that again.Anyway he is coming round tonight to babysit ds2 and dd as it is ds1 respite carer's 21st party and i am taking him to see her for a couple of hours.But i think i will try to lay off him a little and let him have time on his ownto clear his head though i know i will find this extremely difficult as i will constantly think he is with her but i will just have to try hard and bite my tongue as i think he needs space and the pressure from me taken off him.Thanks for all your support i cant believe i am in such a mess over this.