Feeling quite alone and not supported by my OH

[mumof3littlemonkeys]

Hi

1st post on Mumsnet.

Just want a little rant really. I have a 4 yr old, a nearly 15 month year old and I'm 20 weeks pregnant. I work part time but I'm currently signed off work due to SPD and stress around my pregnancy.

My OH and I have been together for nearly 10 years. We have a mostly close relationship but I feel that he doesn't help with the children or housework much. He does work full time. I do the school run; housework and 99% of childcare. I feel like with the problems with SPD and trouble sleeping I could just do with a bit more support from him really.

I have tried talking to him about this but don't get much of a reply. he is constantly going on about his blood pressure and the stress in his life but I feel like I am very much tackling day to day stresses alone. Last night he said that he "only thinks about himself and worries about himself now as no-one else does". I was hurt by this comment as I look after him and the kids and always put myself last.

I just feel like things are unbalanced at the moment. I would just like him to bath the kids every once in a while or put the children to bed so i could have a sit down. I know that he is working full time but he has most of the weekend to chill out and has a lie in on the weekends ( we don't take turns for lie ins anymore; he gets them and I don't). He won't even take both kids out over the weekend for a few hours so that I could get some housework done child-free. And another thing which bugs me is that at the weekend he will be glued to the telly and won't look after the kids while I get stuff done around the house. Instead I have a time limit where I rush round trying to do things while looking after the kids. I feel like our communication is pathetic at the moment and I just feel angry at him (part of that is cos Im in pain, pregnancy hormones and exhaustion).

He is not a bad man. He works hard out of the house but I feel like he does not appreciate anything which I do and more importantly he is missing out on time with the kids.

Sorry for long post. Didnt realise how het up I am

if you cannto cope then either he helps you
or he agrees that you as a family can fund an au pair or home help .

just stop doing housework if you in pain!

that will address the immediate issues of you needing help.

longer term if he never takes the kids out on his own and ignores them - well then what is the point of him being around at all?

Poor kids having a Dad like that :(

Thanks for your replies.

Defo couldnt afford home help. At the moment its not so much about not being able to cope. Its more about not feeling any appreciation or feeling like everything is my responsibility rather than sharing parts of the responsibility if that makes sense.

The thing is if I down tools and didnt do the housework then it would ultimately be the kids that suffer as I think he would just leave things.

I have wondered whether I would be better off on my own with the kids. I just dont know. I have tried so many times to speak to him and make positive changes but its like talking to a brick wall. As soon as he gets in from work he in on the computer and on his phone. We used to be very close but now I dont know.

I think some of these problems stem from him never living alone. He moved straight from his parents and into the house we share so he has never done housework as such or looked after himself. I also think Im to blame as I have let this go on since he moved in the house and I am a bit of a mug as I have let him walk over me at times.

You would be better off without this lazy parasite. You'll still get child support from him even if you get rid, and your stress levels will decrease when you are not resentful and desperately hoping he will get off his selfish sexist arse and contribute.

Are you married? Do you jointly own/rent your home?

'Tis is a fact that to turn a manchild into a man you have to grab him firmly by the balls... and twist.

The collected wisdom of this board can support you - and help you grow your own pair if necessary -- in order to perform this manoeuvre.

You may be encouraged to know that it never fails to sort the boys from the rejects

well now is time to tell him that with three children things have to change.

startig now as with your pregnancy related issues you can no longer do as before.
this means him taking the two kids out on every saturday mornin fo four hours.
that is to start.

starts on saturday.

tell him!

if he goes all "but i dont knowwhere to go or what to do ...." then just print off map wih walking directions to local park and send him and them on their way... let him figure it out from there .

Izzy - We are not married. We jointly rent our house.

Crystals - I have thought about going away for a weekend to see my family but again I am worried about whether the kids would be well looked after. That's not an excuse or anything but I would be genuinely concerned. They would be safe but would they be fed good food or put to bed at the right time etc.

Cestlavie - I think that's a really good idea thanks. I think I have to be forceful with him. Things do have to change because I am not putting up with this anymore.

That really sucks that he won't give them a bath/put them to bed. My husband works full time whilst I care for the house but he always does the bath bed routine with our son. He likes spending that special time with his kid.

Maybe ask your husband why he see's your children as 'work' that is your job. Its not even about fairness, its about him wanting to be an active part of their lives.

It must feel exhausting living with someone like this, it is surely the last thing you need on top of everything else. You have my sympathies and need to give yourself a rest.

I too live with an extremely lazy DP and sometimes, as tired as I get working full-time and running around after DS, I feel as if it would be easier doing it on my own without the added stress of someone who often gives little more than their presence most evenings!

I really feel 4 u. A friend of mine has SPD, and it was awful 4 her, and made everything almost impossible 2 do.
He sounds very selfish 2 say that he doesn't get looked after. He needs a good kick up the arse. I'd go on strike if I were you. Don't over exert yourself doing chores. Pile the dishes up 4 him 2 do, and the laundry, and any cleaning. Just do the minimal things that involve the kids.
My dh is very lazy 2. I couldn't leave him with the kids, as they'd be starved :(
He does it all the time. He's not hungry, therefor the children can't be. He can't keep 2 their routine, and when he's home at the w'end, he plans days out, but he won't help get involved with sorting the girls out either.
But, I don't see how he can call it work either, it's both your responsibilities!

You need to explain the equal leisure time concept to him. In very simple words.

How about asking him, as a conversation opener, how many ways he thinks his life has changed since having children. Then give him your - probably much longer/deeper - list. Then ask him if he sees things continuing like this for the next 18 years - and if he thinks you will hang around for that long.

"They would be safe but would they be fed good food or put to bed at the right time etc. "
would that matter?
that for one weekend they ate only monster munch and went to bed at midnight?

you have to let go if you want him to start taking care of them and allow him to make mistakes/feed them the "wrong" thngs etc.

I wouldn't worry bout the downing of tools upsetting the kids...they couldn't care less if the house is a mess...as long as its not dangerous:)

Go to your mums...get a break and leave him with the kids. It won't damage them to eat crap food, not get bathed nd watch tv till midnight. You need a break and it might give him a boot up the arse.

You have SPD...stop worrying so much about house work and ke t easy. Your signed off work for a reason.

Hi

I think I do need a rest. Have been awake since 3am this morning-because I'm in a lot of pain physically with my back and because I am upset about yesterday.

His sister got married yesterday- I was a bridesmaid. Kids woke up at 6am so I got up with them and did the usual breakfast stuff. Woke Him (the partner) up at 7.30 as I needed to get ready as my SIL was picking me up at 8.30 for a hair appointment. He didnt get out of bed until 8.00 and my SIL was early so I didnt have much time to get ready. Not that I really needed time but I was more pissed off because it was important that I wasnt running late as I didnt want to stress out my SIL.

Got back from hair appointment and started getting myself ready while he looked for his wedding shoes and ironed his shirt?? why he couldnt have done this before hand I dont know.

I rushed getting dressed and make up on then got both the kids dressed and washed etc. The kids were excited and tired as they dont like being left with their dad as he has no patience and just watches telly/goes on computer etc so I calmed the kids down and he spent an hour running round grumpy and trying to find the stupid shoes.

He then moaned about having to make the taxi arrangements (he had agreed to make these before hand but decided that it was my responsibility on the day). I just refused and said Ive got my hands full already. Bearing in mind that I was the one running around with the kids etc.

Then he shouted at me as I had not bought a card or organised money- aparently I was not to talk to him as I am a disgrace. The reason I didnt do this is because I had tried to organise this the previous week and he had moaned at me for wanting to organise this so I left it up 2 him. I know I was childish over this but I was fed up. He also had 2 days off work when he could have organised this and was reminded of this.

At the wedding he was ok until he started drinking then he became obnoxious towards me as usual (he is always like this-usually calls me a slag or fucking bitch etc). Started saying that I should do more cleaning etc around the house and I am basically rubbish. This upset me as I do so much cleaning while he does none.

We had agreed to leave the wedding after the last dance if possible but this depended on the children's tiredness etc. I told him that I wanted to go after the last dance as the kids were exhausted etc and I was in pain and had been ill as I have a stomach bug 2 so wasnt comfortable etc. In the end I stood up and just announced that me and the kids were going home as he was ignoring me and pretending that the kids werent tired. He was more interested in drinking. So eventually we left for home where I did my usual bedtime while he sat stuffing his face. Actually thats a little unfair of me- he put a pair of pjs on the baby.

I stopped off here out of curiosity after landing on a recipe and read this. I'm horrified.
First you describe an overgrown child who does nothing but pursue his own gratification, then, here in this last posting, you describe someone who is not just abusive, but gets off on cruelty into the bargain.
I'm no psychologist so I'm not going to offer you advice but, by way of observation, I don't really see matters improving. Do you?
Oh, and yes, I'm a man.

I don't usually post on these type of threads but how can you equate 'not a bad man' with 'usually calls me a slag or fucking bitch etc'? Being drunk is no excuse for that kind of behaviour!

You're right, he's not a bad man - he is a disgraceful pathetic excuse for a man.

Sorry mumof3 - him calling you those names is never ever acceptable; coupled with his behaviour towards you and the children it shows a total lack of respect and concern for all of you. He sounds nasty and threatening, tbh.

Do you have enough access to money to enable you and the children to get away if you need to ?

Hi

Thanks for your replies- I appreciate them!

Oldfella- I don't know if things will change or not....all I know is that I'm not putting up with this anymore. I haven't got the energy to.

Other side- I think there's two reasons why I dont consider him a bad man. Firstly because I have been with him for a long time and got used to it and secondly because I grew up with this kind of crap (abused as a child) and this means I forget that this is not normal if that makes sense.

He can be a nice person when he is not in a mood but I always think we deserve better than this

Inertia- I have started saving some money for just me and the kids in case we need it. I am also keeping all the children's documents together and where I can find them if I need to leave.

Seems to me you've put up with too much for too long (and I know how abuse starts to become 'normal', I've been there too). You and your children deserve better.

Op, you DO deserve better than this.

I hope you find the strength to act for all your sakes. Good luck.

My love, I read the OP and the few additions and I thought That shitty man is JUST like my (Abusive) Ex The childcare, the lack of engagement with his partner or his children. I told myself to stop projecting.

Then I read on.

You need to carry on with the path you are planning. Please understand that there literally is NOTHING you can do to get this situation to an acceptable place, it WILL only ever get worse. Trust me.

Please read Why Does He Do That and you will see that none of this is about you, it's ALL about him. If not you, he'd be abusing someone else, and YES he is abusing you. Potentially keeping you PG, piling on the pressure, not helping, EVER, not even when you are in severe pain. Changing plans last minute just to ff up your day. The not getting up thing.... ALL of that I have had to contend with.

Thing is, with these abusive blokes, they are ALL alike, they ALL do moreorless the same thing, so I CAN tell you all of the above. The more you talk to us, to WA, whoever you need to lean on you will see that this is not about you, never was. It's HIS choice to treat you like this.

Ultimately it's your choice to stay or not. But you need to know that each day in an environment like that is harming your DC. If nothing else he could be teaching them that this life you lead is how it's supposed to be... and I can't think of anything sadder.

Focus on the truth, that you don't deserve to be treated like this, that your children really are living in an abusive environment and are technically being directly abused themselves as a result.

Find whatever hand hold you need to get out of there and grab it.

Last night he said that he "only thinks about himself and worries about himself now as no-one else does"

see the reasonable response to that is ok, you better move out then because you are announcing that you are no longer a husband or father and we certainly don't need a lodger.

he only thinks about himself? what an idiot. that's not going to change i suspect. your only hope is that if he realised he was going to lose you he would turn it around. i think you need to find out before you give him another ten years of your life only to be told he only thinks of himself.

just read your more recent posts OP - the guy is an abusive bully boy twat.

you do NOT have to live like this.