I need a talking to - will someone hold my hand

[justsofuckingsad]

I'm a fucking idiot - I will probably get a well-deserved flaming for this but I need to talk.

My marriage isn't happy - my husband adores me completely but is controlling & angry much of the time (although he recognises this & tries very hard to change) - I don't know if I love him any more.

We have two DCs - I have been a SAHM for six years & feel completely diminished, I don't know who I am any more really.

I recently embroiled myself in a horrible, heady & intoxicating emotional relationship with one of his friends (nothing physical - but I think that's irrelevant really) & have just put a stop to it, because it was never going anywhere, because it couldn't.

But I feel so, so fucking horrible & sad, I feel like my life had some colour & now it's reduced to grey with the walls closing in on me.

I feel squashed & beaten & small.

& very, very fucking sad.

JSFS I am in a situation almost exactly like you. I desparately want to be away from my husband but cant get the courage to leave him.

What are we going to do? I can't see any way out and the thought of another 5/15/25/35/45 whatever years of this makes me want to jump off a bridge.

(I'm not going to but I can see the desperation in your post because its the same as mine)

I'd like to share my story...not exactly inspiring but I was where you are now not so long ago. My stbxh wasn't abusive but he was distant. Very distant. If I'm honest I was unhappy but didn't know I was....he had an affair, I found out, was devastated. He then went on to lie about other things and my eyes just opened. I felt like I'd been in a glass cage I didn't know I was in. I asked to separate. He didn't, he stayed in the house and refused to move out.

A "lovely" man came into my life and just made life seem so...beautiful. He made me feel beautiful. He made everything perfect in my world. Like I could live in fantasy land and dream of a beautiful future with him.

It was an emotional (mainly online only) affair but no sex made no difference. I had long stoped sleeping with my h. I latched on to the fantasy we made together like a bloody lifeline. I told my h at the time that I had fallen for someone and wanted to live apart (I hadn't even met the om!). I just wanted out.

It did however give me strength in a funny way. The om turned out to be a prize pratt (a liar and a cheat), I wish I'd never seeen that part of him because in my eyes he was perfect. I guess it is never really is ever 'perfect'. My online affair stopped and I was completely, utterly devastated, I went from a strong woman into a quivering wreck.....I think I actually transferred all the grief of my marriage onto the split from the om.....but I was strong, got stronger and I knew that other people saw me as me and attractive. I had years of not feeling that way.

We lived apart and eventually I have found a lovely house (rented) and live with my 2 (now very settled and happy) dc's. I love living alone with them. I am so glad to have this experience with them. It's not all plain sailing and dating is another minefield entirely, but I don't NEED anyone, except my kids. I didn't want to end up bitter and angry and that was where I was heading.

You can do this, you can have your lovely life. I work hard, try to be the best mum I can, am careful with money, but have enriched my female friendships more than ever......and I feel free. xxxxxx Good luck. You can be happy in your cottage with your dc's.

JSFS & EvacuationWarden - going it alone really isn't so bad. I left my very unhappy marriage 9 years ago. Lots of people do it & Mumsnet is full of single mums doing a great job. Yes, you are generally financially worse off, but there are so many compensations - the most important being that you are not living a miserable life!!!!!

Dateandwait- thanks for you story. The bit that makes me feel so hopeful is how you describe living in your own home with your children, and enjoying their company. At the moment I feel like dc and I live in dhs space so your post gives me a glimmer of hope.

It's really not that hard. I promise. I get more help than I thought I would financially and really the only thing stopping me doing it earlier was me.
Don't let my story be a glimmer of hope, make it a shining beacon, close enough to touch. Because you CAN have it. xxxx

Get a hold of yourself if you want to get off the train your on.

You need less swears and more bares. More time in bed to release that sexual frustration and more time getting into some hobbies and sports could be the thing for you.

Maybe go on a romantic or BDSM weekend whatever "floats your boat" as they say. Joining some clubs and groups might also give you a bit of breathing space. Stuck in a sexless marriage of course your hubby and you are going to take it out on other things.

Sports and hobbies are not only a release away from your problems but can give you a channel to release your anger in a more productive way. I'm not saying sign up for Zumba and womens rugby and take up knitting with whatever time is left. I'm simply saying your problems are not as big as you think and if you calm yourself rather than get worked up you'll dig less and build more.

Really, jshm2?? Really though?

Dateandwait, thanks very much for your story, I could have written much of it (other than the happy ending), & I completely agree with what you said about female friendships, I have some wonderful friends & feel closer to them than ever before. Also I think what you said about the grief being for your marriage struck a chord.

I feel a bit better today (in no small part due to all your kind words & advice), I certainly feel much stronger than I did yesterday (it's difficult to feel truly fucking miserable when dancing madly to Blondie cranked up full blast in the sunshine with a three year old).

I feel my resolve strengthening, I need to forget all about OM, just wipe those thoughts out (I think many of them are anger directed at myself for being so stupid in the first place) - what's done is done & keening & wailing ain't gonna change that.

I spoke to my very wise friend yesterday & she said 'I think we hang on to pain because it seems so important and letting go of it a bit somehow diminishes us' & she's right - if we let it go it seems less important & we want it to have significance.

But let it go I must.

I just need to focus on me - get my act together for the DCs, stop finding solace in the bottom of a bottle, remember who I was & work on getting that person back.

And either work on repairing my marriage or decide to call it a day.

PS jshm - profound - I'll just join the WI shall I & all will be well?

Jsfd- the wanting to self-harm, that's all about anger and not feeling like you can express it, so you turn it inwards. I know it sounds obvious but just getting angry could help and realising that in your situation you have every right to be.

I have considered that possibility Maryz - but I don't think I'm depressed - I think I'm just very sad at the moment - I still feel moments of great joy (like today in the sun).

I think I've just got a bit lost & it's led me down an idiotic cul-de-sac which has forced all the frustrations & anger I've been suppressing for the last few years to come rushing at me like a hammer blow to the brain.

I'm just reeling really & trying to find purchase.

Well I've been self-medicating for years so you may well be right & I had a beaut of an anxiety attack the other week (not had one of those fuckers for nearly 20 years).

Having said that, I do think it's years of repressed crap coming to bite me on the arse & the fear of another failed marriage (I was married young - no DCs - abusive relationship, I walked & never looked back).

As my friend said to me, having children changes everything & it does.

The one thing I have taken from this is my relationships & support from the women in my life - I love them (& you lot) all so much.

You definitely need to read Lundy Bancroft, 'why does he do that' and/or 'living with the dominator' by Pat Craven. You can't work at mending an abusive relationship. Only he can change and that's highly unlikely to happen. He likes having the power and being in control. That's not love, he doesn't adore you. He thinks he owns you.

Fwiw the cause of depression might be circumstance or biological, but one causes the other iyswim. Drugs can help to break the cycle. Not always the answer but in a way it doesn't matter which because the drugs might help you change the circs.

Have a look at this thread and read some of the links. Lots of us have been through the same agony as you. We can help and support you.

It's not you it is him! Don't let him damage you or your DC more.

Am checking Moodgym out now Maryz.

Thank you.

Thank you Littlehouse.

I don't like to think of myself in an abusive relationship which is why I think I have left the Lundy book, unread, in plain sight on the bookshelf (but I bought it, so...)

He's not abusive like my first husband who was an evil little rapist bastard & I had no compunctions about leaving.

It's more subtle, I don't even know if it is abuse - it's certainly control, when I came back from my weekend he was pissed & stoned, asked me if I'd taken my wedding ring off, questioned the bruises on my knee then begged me for sex.

The whole charade repulsed me.

According to Moodgym Maryz - my mental health is pretty robust but my anxiety levels are high.....

But you know - I am fond of him - realise why he's like he is & don't want him to suffer.

& he does suffer.

& he's the father of my children

Which makes it near to impossible.

He's not a bad man - just damaged.