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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So confused!

31 replies

FullyImmersed · 28/02/2012 10:18

I have been seeing a lovely guy, I actually dated him for a bit last year (may-july) but I wasn't ready for anything and broke it off.

We didn't see each other for a couple of months, but now we regularly see each other, going out for the day, going out for dinner, or he'll just come over and watch a film/get a take-away. DS loves him to pieces, is always asking to see him. He calls me every day.

I woke up this morning, and checked my Facebook, and right at the top of my news feed, is says "XXXXXX is in a relationship"

I don't understand, I've spent so much time with him, I don't see how he could have fitted someone else in?

I don't know if anything would have come out of us, and we weren't together so I can't really say anything, but I feel hurt, I thought we had become close, he could have at least given me a heads up, instead of letting me find out like that.

He was just hedging his bets with me wasn't he :(

OP posts:

PeppermintPasty · 28/02/2012 10:23

Are you sure he doesn't mean he's in a relationship with YOU! Although, I admit, he'd be a bit strange to fail to discuss it with you first!

Have you been sleeping together, if you'll excuse the nosiness question?

EirikurNoromaour · 28/02/2012 10:37

Bizarre! You need to have a grown up chat about it all.

Original poster

FullyImmersed · 28/02/2012 10:39

No, but we have done other stuff a couple of times.

Surely if it was meant for me I'd get a request of something? And I think I'd be a bit that he hadn't spoken to me first..

OP posts:

Original poster

FullyImmersed · 28/02/2012 10:40

I won't be able to have a grown up chat with him until he's finished work, he usually calls me about an hour after he gets in.

I'm just going to have it all running through my head until then...

OP posts:

Snapespeare · 28/02/2012 11:00

does his 'home' page on fb say who he is in a relationship with

maybe he is in a relationship with someone else?

maybe he is putting his status as 'in a relationship' to deter someone else from thinking he is single - as in he is not interested in a relationship with someone else

maybe he is trying to prompt you into a relationship by saying he is in a relationship.

if he is in a relationship it is likely he will have less time for you - how do you feel about that?

who knows, it's all mind fuckerry - just ask him.

mojitomania · 28/02/2012 11:28

Maybe you're seeing more into the friendship than he is OP.

Maybe he's an arse and is enjoying sort of getting it on with you and having a girlfriend at the same time.

Maybe he thinks he's with you now (bit weird without a discussion)
Only way to know is to ask.

Mandapanda85 · 28/02/2012 11:34

If he's spending lots of time with you, and he's sweet and lovely, I reckon he's done something romantic but being a man hasn't discussed it with you!! I do genuinely think he means with you - and it's more of a 'hands off I'm taken' statement.

I'm in a similar situation at the moment and I've also thought about doing this, but being a woman... I'd discuss first!

Don't beat yourself up about it - if you're that curious drop him a text and he may be able to call at lunch? From what you've said he seems nice though!!! Good luck :)

Original poster

FullyImmersed · 28/02/2012 12:18

I'm just worried because I didn't see him yesterday or Sunday (but never see him Sundays anyway as I go church etc and he's not interested in going) and when I saw him Saturday he seemed distant, we went for a walk in a big park with lots of play areas, and we were supposed to go out for dinner afterwards but I ate late and he had only had 2 hours sleep (has really bad back problems but is having physio for it)

It doesn't say on his wall who he's in a relationship with, but there is a comment on his wall from a few days ago, saying "Hi there, think I saw you in xxxx pub on Thurs, was it u x"
Not really a problem, but I'm sure he told me he was out with his friend playing snooker that night, and that pub is more of a restaurant pub, I don't think they have a snooker table...

I have no right to be upset, I did dump him last year for a very crap reason. I just thought he liked me and I liked having him around, for DS's sake too. No GF is going to let him come and see us, not as much as he does.

OP posts:

Original poster

FullyImmersed · 28/02/2012 23:36

It wasn't me. It was someone else. In fact it was the girl that wrote on his wall.

He hasn't phoned me tonight, in fact, he's completely ignored me.

OP posts:

olgaga · 28/02/2012 23:41

Fully I can feel your disappointment, just wanted to urge you not to be sad, and not to chase it. Your DS will soon forget about him, and so will you.

akaemmafrost · 28/02/2012 23:56

What a dick!

EirikurNoromaour · 29/02/2012 07:33

Seriously? He is now 'in a relationship' with someone he bumped into a few days ago? That sounds mad.
Look, you need to dust yourself off and cut him out, he's a dishonest prick with no responsibility or maturity so don't try to cling on to 'friendship' with him in lieu of a relationship. It will demean you. I'm also a bit concerned about how much time he spends with your child. That's not really ok.

Original poster

FullyImmersed · 29/02/2012 12:23

He is very good with children, DS loves him to pieces. He only ever spends time with DS whilst I'm there.

I don't really blame him for moving on to someone else, I did hurt him before, I do feel upset that he never pre-warned me, he knew I had feelings for him, we spent Valentines together only 2 weeks ago.

OP posts:

olgaga · 29/02/2012 12:39

I hate to say this but it sounds as though you and your DS have been a bit of a stop-gap in his life until something better came along.

You really have to move on from this, permanently. Put it down to experience, particularly with regard to involving your DS in the early stage of a relationship.

akaemmafrost · 29/02/2012 12:40

Yes he can meet someone else and move on, of course he can but to ignore you the second he does? Dick!

MyHeartBelongsToKermit · 29/02/2012 12:44

Wot a nob

Original poster

FullyImmersed · 29/02/2012 13:27

I didn't introduce DS in the early throws of a relationship, when DS met him we were meeting up as friends, going for days out and dinner, no different to if I went out with a female friend, I didn't see it as any different, but then I started getting feelings for him, I thought it was a natural progression. But it seems I was wrong :(

OP posts:

Original poster

FullyImmersed · 29/02/2012 13:29

OP posts:

olgaga · 29/02/2012 14:15

no different to if I went out with a female friend

I'm afraid you're finding out that it is very different!

Original poster

FullyImmersed · 29/02/2012 14:26

DS has never seen us so much as kiss, that's what I mean..

It wouldn't really be that much different to a female friend that came into our life then moved away

OP posts:

BettyPerske · 29/02/2012 14:36

Oh love I am so sorry.

You poor thing. That's so, so harsh.

He sounds a right git, I suppose now at least you know...I think I'd start moving on right this minute, you know, to give yourself a bit of a head start.

Take him off your facebook for a start. He's not a friend if he can treat you as poorly as this. Oh I want to thump him.

olgaga · 29/02/2012 16:19

Well then I'm confused as to why your DS "loves him to bits". That sounds really odd! From your first post it does sounds as though you saw him a lot more often than you would a female friend.

Anyway, very sad you have been hurt - but as I said before, it's early days and you will both come to terms with it. If your DS is like most children that age I know, he'll forget about him quicker than you.

Original poster

FullyImmersed · 29/02/2012 17:11

I see my closest friend about 6 out of 7 days in the week, and regularly stop there on a weekend so we can have a glass of wine, I see (saw) her more than him.

DS says he loves him coming over, and is always asking to see him, DS doesn't see his dad, well has only just started having supervised access after over 2 years of nothing, so I think he's focused on this 'friend' as a male role model.

Thank yiu everyone for your kinds words, I will try not to waste my time being upset by him :)

OP posts:

Original poster

FullyImmersed · 03/03/2012 23:40

He hasn't called me since, he used to call me every day.

I feel like confronting him but know that it's not going to do any good, I didn't care that he had a gf because if he doesn't want me I'm not going to force it. I've spoken to him twice on chat and the first time we had a little convo but he didn't even ask how i am, the whole thing was forced by me really, then the second time he didn't even reply to me..

Think you're all right, need to stop thinking about him and move on..

OP posts:

olgaga · 04/03/2012 00:00

Fully I do think that's it by the sound of it. Even if he called you now, would you really want to continue this relationship with him? He seems to have treated you in a rather cavalier manner.

You are bound to be hurt because it sounds as though you had a bigger emotional investment in this relationship than he did. I can only advise you allow some time to pass before you get involved with anyone else.

I doubt there's anyone in the world who hasn't experienced what you're going through right now. When your hopes for the future come to nothing it's hard. Don't worry, you'll get through it. Just give yourself plenty of time and be kind to yourself.

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