soooo upset with dh - breach of trust

[Oovavu]

Dh has smoked since he was 12 (nice!). I badgered him into giving up when we had our first child and he said he had. 6m later I found out he hadn't given up at all and was lying about it. Don't ask me how I didn't smell it on him but I just didn't. Worst thing was that loads of people (his friends and work colleagues) all knew about it, icluding the fact that it was a secret from me, which was the worst thing, as i think it makes me look like someone who he's scared of - not the image of the loving wife I really want! I was much more upset about him lying and being sneaky than him actually smoking (although I DO hate it). We had a huge blow-up about it but after months of work we sorted it out. He went back to the doctor's saw the stop smoking counsellor and gave up again with the help of patches. This time he said he was doing it for himself, not to please me; that he wanted to be there for dd when she was growing up, etc. That was 2 years ago at new year.

Last night i found out he's smoking again - I just smelt it on his breath. First of all he lied and said he wasn't but he eventually admitted that he's been smoking 2 or 3 a day for the past 3 months, mostly at work but also in the pub with some of his friends (who again know he's lying to me about it). AGAIN, it's not the fact that he's smoking again. I can't understand why he didn't come to me after 'falling off the wagon' and admit he was finding it hard and ask for my support. This makes me think he doesn't actually want to give up again, esp as I was the one who found him out. I feel utterly betrayed. WE have such a good marriage, two lovely kids and I've felt so happy recently and now I feel awful today. I understand that nicotine is an awful thing and that he's addicted - I honestly don't blame him for this. But I'm so upset that he chose not to share it with me, that he's been hiding something from and, ultimately, lying. It took ages for me to trust him again after the last time and now I feel like we're back to square one.

How can I believe anything he's says? He says this is the only thing he's lied about; that he COULDN'T lie to me about anything esle, but how would I know? If it suited him and he felt scared enough of me finding out anything about him, what's to say he wouldn't lie again to get himeself out of trouble? I know some people might think I'm over-reacting - i wondered this myself but when I analyse it, it's the idea of him CHOOSING to behave in a way that was deceitful that really hurts. I'm not an ogre! He knows I'd have supported him if he'd told me right away.

He's very contrite today and has promised to try to win my trust back. He also asked me to help him try to give up again but at the moment I feel so bitter and upset and angry and just told him he's only saying it to try to placate me; if he had any true intentions of sharing this problem with me, it would have happened before he got caught out.

I have to say that I have been in your husband's situation and can honestly say that I believe him when he says he wouldnt lie about anything else

I used to smoke when met H. He was(is) very anti smoking & told me to give up or he couldnt have a relationship. I eventually after a lot of sneaking around and hiding gave up but I had a lapse one Xmas (b4 we were married or living together)
I told him of this lapse thinking he'd say "oh well only one, thanks for your honesty"
he didnt - he went very silent & ignored me the rest of the party and the next morning
said if I lied about that what else

we got over it and I never had a cigarette again BUT I can totally understand where your H is coming from...maybe is finding it hard and doesnt want you disappointed or maybe he doesnt want to give up * thinks you wont like that

I can sympathise with you. I gave up smoking in June as I had just found out I was pregnant. It was bloody hard work and I did it cold turkey and feel proud of what I have accomplished. Before I fell pg DH and I made a promise to ourselves that we would both stop as soon as that test showed a positive. I was under the impression that he would stop with me but it never turned out like that.

DH continued to smoke whenever we were out with friends and I just found it so unsupportive and actually felt like he was pathetic considering I used to be the heavier smoker and if I could give up fags and booze then surely it wouldn't hurt him to try and give up the ciggies. Anyway I badgered him for months telling him he had no will power etc etc (I was angry) Eventually he said that he had given up. Then I found out from friends that he was still smoking when I was bigging him up for doing so well. Like you I felt betrayed that he was lying about it. In the end I just said that I wouldn't mention it again and it was up to him if he gave up or not but that I had been extremely hurt that he was 1, breaking his promise to quit but more importantly 2, that he felt the need to lie to me. I haven't brought it up since and am pleased to say that he has now gone 2 months without a cig and actually 3 weeks without alcohol!!!! (I am due in 2 weeks).

I understand why you feel like he might be lying to you about other things but I bet this isn't the case. I am not meant to be eating chocolate and tell DH that I'm not even though I am I know it is a little less extreme but just because I don't want him to feel disappointed in me I am telling little white lies but I NEVER lie to him about other things so maybe your DH knows that he might get grief or that he will upset/disappoint you or he doesn't want to stress you out etc etc which is why he has lied about it.

Oovavu - I can really appreciate how your feeling. Just under 4 years ago when we found out we were expecting our first dd - my dh gave up smoking. I was so proud (I never smoked).

Anyway, 3 years on and two dd's later - I casually mentioned to my dh - "do you know its nearly 4 years since you stopped smoking completley?" - to which he replied "well actually I have been smoking again recently, just at work though because I'm bored!!?"

I was and am devastated - all his work colleagues knew and it just feels like they've all kept a big secret from me, almost like an injoke sort of thing.

I have so many feelings like, he must have such little respect for me and how could he come home and kiss our daughters with fag breath?

I don't know what will happen now, the only thing I've pointed out is that if something were to happen to him (god forbid) then the mortgage and insurance companies would not pay out as he is down as a non-smoker.

thanks for your thoughts. i know i should maybe try to be a bit more understanding - he was obviously scared to tell me as he felt (rightly) that he'd let me and the dds down. He says he feels ashamed of himself and I do feel for him. BUT I can't forgive him for the lying yet. How couldn't he see that by lying it would make things 10 times worse? I can hardly bear to speak to him, I'm so angry. He came back from the shops earlier and said he'd bought some nicotine gum so I guess that's a start in him trying to show me he's sorry but all I can feel is bitterness at the moment. I can't get it out of my head that this has only happened because he got caught out. He SAYS he was planning to give up again during half term when he's got a week off work but I think that if you really want to give up, you stop fannying about with dates in the future and you do it NOW. anyway, don't know if I can believe him when he says this as well. Talk about vicious circle...

I used to smoke. My DH smokes. As a former smoker, I have to say this: badgering someone or nagging them to quit will likely backfire. It's like badgering or nagging someone to lose weight: when a person makes a decision like that, it has to come from him/her, b/c he or she does NOT want to be that person - a smoker - anymore.

I have NEVER nagged my DH to give it up, b/c I know it won't work. He has to not want to be a smoker anymore, b/c it's way too powerful an addiction to overcome w/o a whole hell of a lot of self-motivation.

I stopped smoking 1 pack+/day back in October, 2003 when I discovered I was pregnant w/DD1 and I still crave fags. I craved 'em last night, n fact.

I think you're overreacting hugely. It's sounds much less like betrayal than a minor attempt to retain your approval in the context of him feeling ashamed of not having succeeded in quitting. I think expat is spot on with her don't nag policy. I'm finally doing very well at quitting- six months in to my millionth quit- but if my partner had focussed on betrayal of trust every time I fell off the wagon we would be in serious trouble as a couple, I'm afraid. It would have made me feel very judged and think of him as rather holier than thou and mean. And I certainly wasn't above a little economy with the truth on this issue either- I always felt terrible about being so crap and sharing my failure with my partner wasn't always an attractive prospect because I knew that he would be disappointed, though he was always supportive. I love my partner very much for his forbearance and feel that helped me succeed in quitting in the end.

Well done, SM! Six months is brilliant!

NEVER give up giving up!

If/when my husband is ready, I understand there may be times he'll fall off the wagon. They don't mean he's betraying us, they mean he's struggling w/an addiction that's as powerful as heroin and every cigarette he doesn't smoke prolongs his life.

My husband will need Zyban next time round. He has already done two rounds on the patch - starting at prescription level - and gone back to smoking. The NHS smoking cessation doctor would like for him to try Zyban when he's ready to stop smoking.

He's never going to give up while you are nagging him. There's nothing that drives a smoker to nicotine faster than someone giving them a hard time. When you smoke, cigarettes are your crutch for when you are stressed. Nagging partner = stress = need for a cigarette.

As an X addict myself he hasnt confessed, more than likely because hes hoping he wont have to keep on smoking, and each one, hes probably hoping its his last one.

Direct him to whyquit.com

I honestly don't think you realise how hard it is to give up smoking. It really is very difficult indeed - have you heard many people say it was easy? This is how hard it is- when I was pregnant with my dd, I desperately tried to find someone who would tell me it was ok to smoke while pregnant and I couldn't. But had I found one tiny person who said 'oh don't worry, carry on smoking' then I would have done. Why don't you buy The Easy Way to Stop Smoking by Allen Carr? If YOU read it you might understand how hard it is and find it easier to be supportive if and when he tries to stop again. There's a chapter for partners of smokers iirc. I really think lying about smoking is different to lying about almost anything else, it's terribly common because nicotine is a horribly addictive drug. (I'm an ex smoker of 20 years who gave up 3 years ago btw)

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But it's the lying about it that is so destructive. I could have written oovavu's post - I have exactly the same issue with dh. He gave up before we were married but on and off for the past 8 years he has smoked and lied about it. Every time I find out I feel like an idiot again for believing him, and he has lied so consistently about smoking that I simply don't believe him whenever I have to ask him about anything awkward. I smell it on his breath all the time now and at one point did not mention it for TWO YEARS hoping that he would eventually see that having small children/family all that was more important than fags. He hasn't stopped. His aunt has just had a stroke at 65, all 4 of his grandparents had major strokes, so don't tell me I am overreacting in wanting my husband to stop smoking.

Quitting smoking is SO HARD. I mean really HARD.

He probably didn't come to you because you blew up at him last time.

Let me give you a clue as to how hard it is.

A 20 a day smoker has to go without both fags and food for a whole day. At 9 pm, he/she will be handed £2:50 - enouygh for fags, or food, but not both.

What do you think that smoker will buy? Bearing in mind they will have gone without food since dinner the previous day?

Can all the ex 20 a day or current 20 a day smokers answer me on this?

I have a fair idea what the answer will be.

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Part of the problem for me is that it feels like a direct competition - the fags or me. I realise that is melodramatic, but dh knows how very much I dislike the smell. I can't tell you the amount of times I have snuggled up to him, smelt it, and my heart has sunk and all thoughts of intimacy sink with it. I know giving up smoking is very very hard, but dh has done it before and now he doesn't even try.

He won't try as long as you nag at him.

I'm not nagging him at the moment, and he's not trying. He's very much a "I'll do it for as long as I can get away with it" person, still a teenager in many ways at nearly 40, so I pretty much know he won't stop. I have to say it has eroded my respect for him hugely. Sounds shameful to say that, but it's true.

Poor you, wilbur. That's an awful way to feel. I struggle with being too critical of my partner in certain specific circumstances too. Very difficult to battle those types of feeling yet they can be so destructive.

WWW's post stands out for me - nicotine addiction is very powerful. I would certainly second getting hold of a copy of Allan Carrs book and reading it. That way you will firstly be able to understand the nature of nicotine addiction, and secondly, you may well be able to help him as you will understand the psychology of it.

Oh, and Colditz - I'd have bought the fags, no question

Yes, that's a good idea, I'll buy the book. Allen Carr has worked for my sister - took 3 goes but seems to have stuck this time. I don't underestimate the issue of addiction, truly I don't, as there are a lot of addicts (to various substances) in my family. I think that's why I feel so cheated about this, as I never wanted to marry someone who smoked and get into this kind of situation.

What I find interesting about this thread (that I appear to have hijacked, sorry oovavu) is that there's another thread from icklmum running at the moment where she's being told to nag nag nag her dp to do more about the house. Why does being a liar who has repeatedly broken promises merit kinder handling than being a lazy so and so?

Read the book

Okay, will do.