soooo upset with dh - breach of trust

[Oovavu]

Dh has smoked since he was 12 (nice!). I badgered him into giving up when we had our first child and he said he had. 6m later I found out he hadn't given up at all and was lying about it. Don't ask me how I didn't smell it on him but I just didn't. Worst thing was that loads of people (his friends and work colleagues) all knew about it, icluding the fact that it was a secret from me, which was the worst thing, as i think it makes me look like someone who he's scared of - not the image of the loving wife I really want! I was much more upset about him lying and being sneaky than him actually smoking (although I DO hate it). We had a huge blow-up about it but after months of work we sorted it out. He went back to the doctor's saw the stop smoking counsellor and gave up again with the help of patches. This time he said he was doing it for himself, not to please me; that he wanted to be there for dd when she was growing up, etc. That was 2 years ago at new year.

Last night i found out he's smoking again - I just smelt it on his breath. First of all he lied and said he wasn't but he eventually admitted that he's been smoking 2 or 3 a day for the past 3 months, mostly at work but also in the pub with some of his friends (who again know he's lying to me about it). AGAIN, it's not the fact that he's smoking again. I can't understand why he didn't come to me after 'falling off the wagon' and admit he was finding it hard and ask for my support. This makes me think he doesn't actually want to give up again, esp as I was the one who found him out. I feel utterly betrayed. WE have such a good marriage, two lovely kids and I've felt so happy recently and now I feel awful today. I understand that nicotine is an awful thing and that he's addicted - I honestly don't blame him for this. But I'm so upset that he chose not to share it with me, that he's been hiding something from and, ultimately, lying. It took ages for me to trust him again after the last time and now I feel like we're back to square one.

How can I believe anything he's says? He says this is the only thing he's lied about; that he COULDN'T lie to me about anything esle, but how would I know? If it suited him and he felt scared enough of me finding out anything about him, what's to say he wouldn't lie again to get himeself out of trouble? I know some people might think I'm over-reacting - i wondered this myself but when I analyse it, it's the idea of him CHOOSING to behave in a way that was deceitful that really hurts. I'm not an ogre! He knows I'd have supported him if he'd told me right away.

He's very contrite today and has promised to try to win my trust back. He also asked me to help him try to give up again but at the moment I feel so bitter and upset and angry and just told him he's only saying it to try to placate me; if he had any true intentions of sharing this problem with me, it would have happened before he got caught out.

icklemum is being advised to seek counselling about her self esteem and to dtermine why she puts up w/a man who treats her like hired help, NOT to nag her partner about his unwillingness to do anything around the house. an entirely defferent matter to nicotine addiction.

Message withdrawn

i'd also have bought the fags.

Colditz, I've been in that situation, long ago and the cigarettes won every time. I watched my father die (literally: I was there as he took his last breath from his broken lungs) of lung cancer and I STILL smoked for another 2 years after it. Honestly, it's a powerful, powerful drug, smokers truly don't want to be smokers in most cases, they're in the grip of a strong addiction.

I'd have bought the fags when I smoked

I used to wear a special coat and hat and smoke outside to try to hide the smell in case anyone came round and that was my own house when I lived alone

when I shared a house with 2 others, 1 knew & the other didnt - the one that didnt was a friend so again I had to hide the smoking
my bedroom was on the ground floor and I used to climb out of the WINDOW to have a fag in the morning incase my flatmate came down & found me

I always used to think it was like having an affair BUT that doesnt mean you will be deceitful about anything....just dying for a fag

to be honest I have been tempted to start again recently even though gave up 1999 - only thing that stops me is my children

why do I always end up with lines in my posts whereas others are neat

wilbur's right it's the lying NOT the smoking. I understand he's addicted. And i DID nag him 1st time round and it backfired so the next time I didn't. I purposely bit my tongue and kept my opinions to myslef except to say well done for each day that passed that he hadn't smoked. and to start with he was very honest; he'd tell me when he'd been craving fags and we talked about it and discussed what it was that kept him off them and why it was important to him and it really seemd to work. But maybe I was too blase about it and I did underestimate the power of the weed and how hard it constantly is to be an ex-smoker. I'm upset that he chose not to discuss it with me and that he carried on smoking for 3 months in secret.

Yes, i probably did overreact when I said how could i trust him - it was all very fresh this morning when i posted. I know I can trust him in other respects.

I appreciate those posts from smokers/ex-smokers that have reminded me how hard it is to give up. but I really don't appreciate 1 or 2 of the other posts. I think it's really easy to take the piss and try to diminish what a big deal this is for me/us, but everyhting's relative isn't it and for us this has been a big deal and I'm very upset. I think the Alan Carr books a good idea. and I agree with charliecat that I think he's been hoping each fag is his last. I just wish he could have shared this with me.

again, it's not the smoking it's the lying.

I have lied to my husband about how much things cost! I don't think I'm a bad person or hate my husband. A

well that might be a problem if you'd had a history of over-spending or it was in any way an issue before you lied about the pricetag!

Don't think dh is a bad person. Don't hate him - of course not. Just pissed off with him. We'll get over it I'm sure

I understand that it's a very difficult thing to appreciate if you haven't felt the disappointment, not only in wanting to smoke a cigarette, but the feeling of absolute and abject failure in doing so.

In the past, I have "lied" so many times to my partner because I didn't want to admit the truth to myself. Nicotine addiction is a truly selfish thing. I could go on at length about the stuff I got up to in order to hide the fact that once again I had failed at not smoking. Failure is a horrible thing to have to admit to.

I do understand what you say about wishing he could have shared it with you, but acceptance of failure truly is a dismal place to be - he probably wanted to save you from it rather than lie in the way we generally understand that term.

I truly would not take it as a blight on the realtionship you share. I never gave my relationship a thought as I took 10 minutes to put the peelings in the compost and took up walking the dog 15 times a day - all I thought about was needing a cigarette.

thank you squarer. that's a great post. Lots to think about.

I took a good couple of years to stop smoking, kept going back to them time and time again but every time I confessed to someone, even if it was the Next Door Neighbour becuase I KNEW I was fighting a serious addiciton and that it would have ever so easy to make it My Little Secret and that way, I would never have stopped, I would have had...Well Noone knows going on in my head. So I made myself tell...The addict inside me wanted to keep it secret though. Allen Carr and whyquit.com He needs to educate himself about why he keeps going back to them to be able to stop.