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Original poster

Differing sex drives - arguments with dh - help please

30 replies

PiedWagtail · 27/02/2012 10:17

Hi :( DH and I have been together 15 years and have 2 DC. He has always had a high sex drive - me, not so much since the children (and also, time - you can't still be at it like rabbits after 15 years can you??). Anyway, we haven't dtd since Xmas. We have done mutual masturbation a couple of times but no penetration.

DH is getting very upset about it, can't sleep, is very huffy and cross and sulky with me. I have told him that every time he behaves like this it puts me off having sex with him but I can also see his point that the sexual side of our relatinship is important too. Have told him to masturbate if he wants to but he says it's no fun without me (gahhhh). So, who's right??

I know he shouldn't guilt me into having sex if I don't want to; but honestly I just don't fancy him as much as I used to or have much of a sex drive at all. I never fantastise or think about sex. No idea why not.

Our relationship is basically good, though we argue like everyone does!

Where can we go from here? And can I grow to fancy him/want sex more again?

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 27/02/2012 20:41

People have different sex drives but I believe a happy relationship involves a sex life BOTH parties are happy with.

You're right that he shouldn't guilt you into sex but equally how do you address the imbalance? If he wants more sex and cannot talk to you about it or find a way to compromise what should he do with his feelings?

You owe it to yourself to address this properly but also to your DH.

FWIW I would be a unhappy if DH was no longer attracted to me and we hadn't had sex for 2 months. I would not think a wank was an acceptable replacement for the intimacy sex brings us either.

MeltedChocolate · 27/02/2012 21:10

I would feel pretty rubbish if I was your DH and I would be getting increasingly frustrated and probably eventually huffy.

I have no practical advice but think you should think more of how your DH is feeling. It's not like he is being horny to annoy you. You can't help being horny and believe me that is not in any way made better by masturbation. Maybe for that minute but it only gets worse as time goes on without real sex.

'DTD' is an awful term. If that is how you allow yourself to feel about it you are not going to be able to improve things. It is not a deed that needs doing. It is not a chore. It is love making to your husband who wants to have a physical relationship with you.

I don't agree with affairs or anything but I couldn't stay in a relationship where sex was being denied for no good reason. I think your H is doing well. I would struggle not to walk out of a relationship that had no real sex life.

MeltedChocolate · 27/02/2012 21:12

Also are yo sure the being cross and huffy isn't actually resentment building rather than a guilt trip?

kodachrome · 27/02/2012 21:14

Are you starting the change, perhaps? You might look at hormonal/chemical reasons why your libido has vanished.

If there's no underlying resentment or upset behind your lack of interest in sex (as it doesn't seem to be him, particularly, but sex in itself), it may be a physical cause you can address through your gp.

kodachrome · 27/02/2012 21:15

Change in contraception?

Anniegetyourgun · 27/02/2012 21:17

Maybe DH could try to be a bit more encouraging rather than sulky though, that can't help.

XH's favourite chat-up line: "I suppose you aren't interested." (The answer to which tended to be "well I was ...")

TooEasilyTempted · 27/02/2012 21:17

If my DH showed no interest in having sex with me and told me to just go masturbate instead, I think I'd be wanting to discuss with him my having a sexual relationship with someone else, or splitting up.

How do you feel about either of those options?

HotBurrito1 · 27/02/2012 21:24

I read once that it doesn't matter how often a couple argues, so long as they are having sex more frequently than they are arguing. What are the arguments about? Could the arguments be affecting how much you fancy your DH?

ImperialBlether · 27/02/2012 21:29

OP, would you be happy if your husband had an affair instead? Because I don't want to scaremonger, but there are a hell of a lot of women around who would sleep with him.

Or are you suggesting he just stays in and plays with himself instead of having a meaningful relationship?

sicktodeathofit · 27/02/2012 21:42

Where are all the usual posters who say that women shouldn't be pestered for sex or agree to have it if they don't want to??

I feel your pain as we are in a very similar situation. The trouble is that when DH gets in a strop about the lack of sex, it tends to permeate into the way he treats me on a day-to-day basis ie lots of niggly arguments, petty intolerance, no smiles etc. Unfortunately, this sets up a vicious cycle because I then don't feel like having sex with him when he behaves like this towards me! I have no magic solution, I'm afraid, but one thing that we did try and worked for a while is that we agreed to have sex once a week (or you could start with once every two weeks), say on Saturday night. That way, you have time to prepare mentally (get yourself in the mood) and he agrees not to ask (and strop) the rest of the time. It might just work as a starting point....

Calamityboo · 27/02/2012 21:43

Hiya piedwagtail, you ok? Im sure these ladies were just trying to make a point, they dont mean to be so harsh and blamey. I should imagine sex for some ladies is quite difficult as they need to remove their enormous judgy pants before starting! :)

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 27/02/2012 21:48

Counselling? I don't think teliling him you dont' mind if he masturbates is the way to go - you are basically telling him you don't fancy him any more. He might find someone who does if you dont' work it out.

sicktodeathofit · 27/02/2012 22:08

Maybe it's not that you don't fancy HIM, but that you don't fancy IT? That's what it feels like to me and that's how I try to explain it to DH. If I felt like sex, then it would be him I would choose to have it with!

ImperialBlether · 27/02/2012 22:09

But the OP doesn't fancy her husband, sicktodeathofit.

sicktodeathofit · 27/02/2012 22:16

She says she doesn't fancy him AS MUCH AS SHE USED TO. That may just be the symptom of a reduced sex drive rather than lack of love for her DH?

mercibucket · 27/02/2012 22:21

if your sex drive has changed, go find out why. mine dropped through the floor and was my thyroid, for you it could be something else, but don't just accept it, go and get tests done! at least then you can rule in or out a physical cause. I don't know what else to suggest really, I'd just have sex anyway, but mumsnet doesn't always approve of that!

kodachrome · 27/02/2012 22:27

I am totally on board with not shagging someone you don't fancy or love, but if the relationship is generally good yet her [the OPs] desire has dropped off completely for no apparent reason, hormones/medical reasons would seem a logical possibility worth investigating.

solidgoldbrass · 27/02/2012 23:25

What is very common is to get into a vicious circle of one partner constantly desperate for sex, asking for sex, hinting for sex, whining for sex, so the other partner feels constantly got-at and daren't even pay the other a compliment in case this is seen as WAHAY SEX SEX SEX!
If the relationship is genuinely good in every other aspects ie there is a lot of mutual affection and respect for each other, something that can work is to agree that so many nights a week the high-libido partner may not ask for sex or suggest sex or mention sex. However, if on any of those designated nights the low libido partner feels in the mood, s/he can suggest or initiate. On other nights, it's fine for the high-libido partner to suggest sex as long as s/he understands that it's all right to suggest it but it's not guaranteed. This just takes the pressure off.

Original poster
PiedWagtail · 28/02/2012 12:09

Hi ladies - thank you for your replies!

Had a long chat with dh last night and lots of cuddles etc and - way hay - lovely sex.

Thanks solidgold - like your idea!

Thanks too calamity :)

I think we'd got into a vicious circle (solidgold :)) where I was afraid to cuddle him or kiss or anything in case he got the wrong idea - have talked about that and will both try to do lots of lovely cuddling and non-sexual touching but I think - thanks to you - I have realised how horrid it must be to be rejected such a lot. :( Poor dh.

I will try harder to be more up for it and dh will try to back off too!

OP posts:
capecath · 28/02/2012 12:57

Hey there, liking your last comment! I think men and women sometimes haven't different physical needs and show love in different ways. I am all for romance - holding hands, hugs, cuddles, massages, plenty of talking, romantic date nights - these things all get me going and often end up with lovely sex Grin My DH seems to be up for it anytime though!

Perhaps you could think about what kind of things get you going and add in a bit of a romantic flavour?? Then you're all happy :)

Calamityboo · 28/02/2012 13:18

Good on ya! Wink

TheTruthNothingButTheTruth · 28/02/2012 13:55

Just open the legs and let him have his way. Its a win win. How hard can it be ?

Malificence · 28/02/2012 14:04

Have we time-slipped back to 1870? Hmm

There are so many things wrong with that suggestion, I really don't know where to start.

Calamityboo · 28/02/2012 15:03

Ooh thetruth, You may find if you joined in you could have your way too! Shock

Original poster
PiedWagtail · 28/02/2012 16:10

Cheers The Truth Hmm

OP posts: