I guess men can spot it a mile off?

[mcmooncup]

I split with my abusive ex of 15 years coming up for a year ago. And since then I have been dating quite a lot. I have no problem attracting men.........but mmmm the keeping part and getting to a relationship level, I'm not so sure what is going on.

I seem to crave them liking me and don't even think about whether I like them. I don't even know what I want from men....I seem to thrive off this intial excitement of the flurry of texts, calls, emails, and then get hooked and they back off.

I will give you an example of my typical cycle. Met a guy a few weeks ago, texts and calls all last week, got on really well. Met him for lunch yesterday. Had a really nice time, easy chat, stayed for 4 hours. He went for a kiss when we parted and I sort of offered my cheek. Bit awkward and he obviously wanted to see me again.....said something like "keep in touch, yeah?". Few texts last night about Sunday evening stuff - nothing about the date. I was the last to text him at about 10.30ish. And he has not replied yet. I know he was going to London today early, but he was this time last week and texted all the way down on the train etc. And now I just feel pathetically needy that he has not texted. And so now I will probably be off with him when / if he does text but trying to be normal and not bovvered. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I think to myself that it is because I don't know what a normal relationship is about? i.e. that you don't text someone all the time, feel the need to tell someone where you are all the time (ex used to monitor me heavily), I don't know what the hell I want - I read on here somewhere that abusive relationships make you feel numb - I think that is me, but also when I tell men that I have an abusive ex, there is something that flickers over their face (Raoul Moat theme I guess) and they don't want to get involved in a messy situation like that.

God, I don't know. Just feeling shitter and shitter about myself as all these dates crash and burn after a period of time when I know they liked me initially. I feel like my past is stopping my future and I just want to feel normal.

Thanks if you have read this. I'm not even sure what I'm asking.

joa sounds lovely.

Oh btw 24 hours after leaving my partner I developed a massive crush on a co-worker, someone I had vaguely liked before. It lasted about six months and was very intense. I never did a thing about it, I knew I wasn't in a fit state to be with anyone.

Sorry to hear that you are feeling frustrated. But you at least seem to be self aware which is a good sign. I agree with what others have said about making a bit of time for yourself and considering counselling. There is usually an NHS waiting list so might be worth contacting the GP about it straight away.

As an aside on the subject of texting peole approach this very differently. I personally hardly ever text and some of the guys you meet will be the same. Although you seem to crave that you want these guys to text you back straight away you also acknowledge that thats mot healthy. I would really try not to focus on that part of the dating, if you keep it up.

"I'm not sure any of you others who have been in an abusive relationship have the same thing but I find it really really hard to articulate what I feel about ANYTHING"

Yes, absolutely. Actually I'm not entirely sure I was ever able to do this before the relationships (sadly more than one here). I am having counselling too, though not as Bertie recommended specifically aimed at people recovering from abusive relationships - which is a very good idea. We are spending a LONG time looking at childhood stuff which has been enlightening so far - but maybe we will progress to more recent relationships later. If not, I might well find another counsellor to go into that with. I think my counsellor's view is that what I learnt in childhood set me up to put up with abusive behaviour, so I guess unravelling that then will mean I will have healthier expectations in the future.

I had 12 free sessions through my GP and have gone on to have private counselling with the same person and I think I will be seeing her for at least a year. It is a long process, sometimes it is very difficult/painful and I can see that it's not going to change my thought patterns overnight but it is essential for me to go through this.

I wouldn't have been comfortable with seeing a male counsellor personally but that's just me. If you're paying for sessions you need to make sure you get on with the person and are able to talk to them about anything, so if the first one doesn't really get you you can always try someone else. I think if your pattern is to 'please' men, then you may take that into counselling with a male counsellor and it might be harder to be honest with them if that makes sense?

I left my ex last summer after a year of living together while we were separated and I am no way near ready to think of being in another relationship. Even reading about your dating makes me feel scared! Joan's description of her day in the market alone sounds much nicer to me!

And I think you need to stop contact with your ex. That business about him threatening to go and get the babysitter when you were out - no, no, no. That's harassment and threatening behaviour - any more of that report it to the police.

Sorry for the epic post!

mcmooncup, I wasn't physically abused by my ex-H, but was mentally abused. I had a fair bit of counselling after we split up. I found it very heavy going & didn't enjoy it at all - BUT, it was very helpful & allowed me to understand why I allowed certain patterns of behaviour & unconsciously sought out certain types of people.

Like you, I often find it very difficult to know how I actually feel and find it easy to talk myself out of my own very valid reactions / emotions.

Please get some counselling & take some time out from dating for a bit. No man can fix you - only you can fix you.

Thanks again people

Malinkey - It COMPLETELY makes sense about the male counsellor thing and not being able to be truthful which is why I had some initial doubts when they said it would be a man. I have the feeling I will be in 'please the man' mode even in a counselling situation. I was thinking about it this morning and maybe I should try it though, force myself to say what I want to and need to and not please him......don't know whether I will be able to.......but I'm thinking it might be a breakthrough if I can be honest and myself and non-pleasing to a man. Even if I am paying him for it

PostBellum - glad to hear I am not the only one ! I constantly talk my way out of valid emotions. "I'm fine". "I'll get over it" "Its just one of those things"
Not saying that those reactions are not good in MOST situations, just I don't really let myself acknowledge really bad stuff that has happened.

Good for you and good luck with it - let us know how you get on.