I'm not sure, but I thijk we're done..

[JarethTheGoblinKing]

Things have been strained with DP for a while now. Nothing specific - work pressures, normal day-to-day stuff. We don't talk any more, we're constantly sniping at each other. I'm not happy, not at all, but I'm petrified of what happens next. How on earth does it work? There is no other woman, no abuse, no control issues. I just don't like him anymore and I'm pretty sure he doesn't feel happy with me anymore.

I'm so sad. We have a 4yo. I can't imagine uprooting his entire life just because I'm a bit miserable. It seems so unfair.

I just don't know what to do

:( i think most couples go through this when children are so little

try to unite rather than take it out on each other

i've been with dp for 20 years and it's worth sticking out

Really? I sort of hoped someone would sat that. I feel like we're fast approaching the point ignore return though.

We've been together 7 years, we were TTC but not anymore. Can't do it at the moment. Feel like everything is unravelling

Sorry, point of no return.

(bloody phone)

I've just reached that point though.. I don't want to be here anymore. Actually,is love to stay here and for DP to just be gone. Why should he move out though?

I could manage,just about.

I don't know what to do

agree with southeastastra. It can go from bad to ok to good to ok to a bit bad to anything in between. I think it is normal, and we are fed too many dreams of the perfect family and perfect couple. I think it will probably pass for you too.

Maybe make a bit more effort, even if you don't feel like it, for the DS. You may find PD reciprocates. Don't do it for the DP if you can't muster any enthusiasm - do it for the DS to have a family.

Counselling??

It sounds as if you could have lost sight of things rather than it bring terminal...small children are the most massive strain.

That's just it though.. DS isn't a strain at all. If anything he's the only thing holding us together.

DP won't do counselling. I have before and it was great.

God I feel so utterly lost. I feel like a small child without a clue.

My mum and dad had a period like that when I was young - twas quite unpleasant for all concerned but they still loved each other underneath the stress and anger. If you still love him it is worth working out as my folks have now been married 30 years and are lovely to see together.

Just to give an alternative view you might like to know that DH and I separated (DCs 6 & 7) because we no longer loved each other enough. We're fine as friends and joint parents, but not good together anymore. I am glad we separated when we did and not spend another ten years just managing. After the pain of the break up (it's still only 6 months) we seem happier than before and kids are fine.

Just before heading to my night shift last night (which I am still on) my partner and I were having a similar disagreement over whether we should even be together anymore. Things have been tough we have a nineteen month old son we both work full time nights . But u know sitting here at work last night I starting to think of all the things I would miss and all the moments of seeing my son with his daddy I would no longer be part of . Sometimes it's worth trying then trying again I know when I get home later this morning that's what I will be saying x

I know how you feel the getting at each other, tiredness etc. we both can talk about it but can't stop doing it. I also don't like my H much anymore sometimes.
I would like to stop this as well sometimes but the hassle and upset is too much to contemplate.
I don't know what to suggest but I feel you pain.

Perhaps you should tell him (again?) how you're feeling, that you're at the point of giving up, and see whether he will then come to relationship counselling.

If he won't, perhaps a trial separation will concentrate both your minds on whether it is salvageable or not.

oh dear, Jareth, so sorry to read this. :(

I have no useful story for you - can only offer the normal suggestions but one of them might actually help so hey, why not:
Have either or both of you been to the doc to check your health, physical and mental (i.e. depressed or not)
Do you have any time off by yourselves, have you someone who could take care of DS for a bit for you to give you some time to reacquaint yourselves with each other as non-parents?
What do you think is missing in your relationship that makes you not want to continue with it any more? Respect? Love? Care for each other? time?
Does your DP know you're thinking of calling it quits? Have you discussed it at all? Would he consider counselling in the face of a separation or not even then?
Are one or both of you just feeling stuck in a rut, like "is this all there is to life?" - or is it much worse than that?

Really just want to give you a big (((hug))) though. x

Thanks for all the replies. (especially you Thumb ((((hugs)))) xx

I suppose that I feel that I don't really have a choice in the matter. I don't want to split up, but I just can't see how we can improve the situation. We've talked about things over and over again, and while I will try and change my side of things or look for a way to make things better, DP doesn't do this - he'll swear blind that he'll try and make things better, and things generally are better for a short while but then he just lapses into old habits again.

This is why I don't think counselling will work. He's so hard wired in how he deals with things that we'd be better for a while, but I dont think anything will really change long term.

Thumb - I've been to the doc, yes. I'm not depressed at the moment and I've had other tests etc to rule out other things after issues last year etc. I'm OK I think. Though I realised last night that I am actually starting to slip into depression again with all this going on. I can't let that happen so will take steps to sort that out.

DP is almost certainly depressed. He will not go to the GP though. I've tried everything. He had a bit of a breakdown with work recently and promised that he'd go, but he still hasn't. I think he has sleep apnoea and that needs checking out sooner rather than later. I think he needs bloodwork to check thyroid/liver etc as he's just not functioning properly.
He's constantly tired and constantly miserable, but he doesn't look after himself (symptom of depression, I know) and will often go 24 hours without eating (and then wonder why he is tired ). He will then snap at me and lose patience with anything I say to him. tbh I feel like a massive irritation and inconvenience to him.

The worse part about all of this is that we were TTC. But now, with the state of our relationship, I just can't do that at the moment. I can cope on my own with DS. Keep my job, just about survive. Another child and I would be trapped here. We desperately want another child, but I just can't see it happening now, and it feels like DS will never have a sibling, and that is what upsets me the most.

God that was rambling.. sorry. I hope it makes sense.

Hmmmmm. Doesn't sound healthy at all, does he.

So, perhaps, instead of counselling, you can persuade him to the GP (only I think you'd have to go with him, just to make sure he went and told the truth) - perhaps you can suggest to him that it's a joint appt about your lack of success with the TTC? - and tell him that if he refuses to go then that's it, you've had enough and want a trial separation.

Sleep apnoea can be very dangerous and should definitely be addressed; lack of sleep has the potential to lead on to all sorts of other problems. Not eating - that will mess with his blood sugar levels, which will make him snappy and stubborn (a way to tell that diabetics need to do something is when they start getting snippy and refuse to do anything!) He needs to get all his systems checked, as you have realised and if nothing else will get him going, suggest that it's completely unfair on your DS to have a daddy who could be quite ill if he doesn't take care of himself and get himself checked out.

Is DS a weak point for your DP? Normally I wouldn't advocate emotional blackmail, or using your DC as leverage, but I think if he's being utterly pigheaded and unreasonable then underhanded tactics are the way forward; either that or just throwing in the towel. :(

Jareth, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you're hurting.I've always thought that your posts are very supportive,helpfull and kind.You sound like such a nice person and I hope that you manage to save yourself as much heartache as possible.I've nothing practical to add to the other posters but wish you all the best. Mx.

Thanks.

I will start again on the GP nagging, he really does need to go. He hasn't been the whole time I've known him (over 9 years now I think) and he probably hasn't been to the docs since he was a teenager!

I've spoken to DP.. it takes a few times to get through to him how upset I am sometimes. I honestly don't think he understands a lot of the time (no matter how clear I try to be). He seems to be getting it. I need to explain the TTC thing again (though I have done already) and make him see that I am not going to have another child with him unless a few things are properly addressed. Now.. I'm not saying I'm innocent in all this, I'm sure there are things I can do differently to make the relationship work better but I'm a stubborn cow.. but I think now is the only time that I will have the leverage to actually make him go and get checked out. :(

maras thank you for the lovely post. It really did make me smile

It has not been an easy day. I'm stuck in the house with a small pox-ridden child, power cuts, and I didn't put the wine in the fridge so it's warm (probably for the best!).

but I feel better than yesterday, so that's a start.

Oh hurrah... another evening of shite, :(

Late.. I know. But.. FGS.

Are you ok?.

What happened?.

What else realistically can you do though?. You have tried a great deal and nagging him is not going to work.

Unfortunately you cannot solely carry an ultimately failing relationship on your own if he is not prepared for whatever reasons (and there are always reasons why) to do anything. You cannot rescue and or save someone who does not want to be saved.

I feel for your son; its not doing him any favours to see this all played out in front of him. What do you want to teach him about relationships?. He after all is learning from both of you.

Jareth

I think all you can do is try to work out what you really want. If it is to be in a loving relationship with DP then you'll both need to work on it but is that what you want? If you want to separate, then you can perhaps take a step back emotionally and start to map out how that works for you all. You can't be responsible for your DP really. I get that you will want to encourage him to get to the GP etc but he's an adult and he will, ultimately, do what he wants to do for his own reasons. I'm not phrasing this well... It may be that he doesn't realise the severity of the situation but either way he needs to take responsibility for himself and his part in your relationship.

It sounds like it's you doing all the work, frankly.

As other posters have said, you come across as a lovely, kind and compassionate woman on MN. I hope you find a way through all this that leads to happiness.

I don't know what else I can do to be honest. He made a real effort over the last week or so, but all of that seems to have gone out of the window already. I've got to accept that he'll never really change and I have to find a way to deal with that.

I've given up with the GP thing. If he goes, he goes. If he doesn't he'll probably be fine but I worry that something will be missed.

Attilla - DS doesn't see any of this, he barely sees his Dad actually due to his hours, so I'm not too worried at the moment. As he gets older this will change, so it's definitely something to work on.

I do feel like I'm carrying everything though. Due to DP's hours I do almost everything for DS, though he does do bedtimes now. All the organisation of everything is down to me, all decisions seem to be my responsibility. He has time for work and that seems to be it, and the time we do spend together is just tense :(

I don't want to leave, I don't want to split up, but do I just carry on an accept that it will always be this way? If I'm not stressing so much about trying to change things and just deal with it, and accept it, then will things get better?

I'm just so low. I'm drinking too much at the moment as a result and that's just a downward spiral into misery that I need to stomp on now. It's not making me feel any better.

Thank you for replying. I didn't expect anybody to post anymore after last night's self-pitying bump. :(

I can't really offer much advice other than to say I felt there was no future in my marriage about 3 years ago (married 13 yrs now). Now it's changed for the better. I don't think there's anything wrong in that - it's unrealistic to expect things to be rosy all the time.

Marriage can be rubbish when you feel you're battling. Sometimes though there is just too much going on. My DH can be very withdrawn and far too 'practical' and hates 'talking'. Whcih can make things pretty tricky. Hmm.

It's not perfect now, there are ups and downs but if I'm feeling in a down patch, then the first thing I try to do is look at how I can react to change the situation (ie accept that drinking too much is not going to help) rather than have an internal rant at him.

Gentle small changes seem to be easier to put in place than momentous big ones - and can often have a big impact.

Have you actually told him, calmly, that you think there's no future for you both. Maybe that would shock him into doing something about it together? What does he want?

Jareth, you only get one life. Don't waste it living how you are now. It isn't helping anyone. Your baby won't thank you for staying for him if he becomes unhappy as well. Your dp has a responsibility to his child to be well and needs to go to the doctor for him if he won't go for himself. Seriously.

Jareth, sniping at each other is a habit. All too easy to fall into, but entirely possible to break. If you both want to. It seems you two aren't working as a team and this is the crux of the issue.

Spending time just the two of you would give you both a chance to understand the other's point of view. He may well not realise just how unhappy you are. Although it's notable that you mention he has been trying to make an effort lately. Negotiating over responsibilities for example, would be much easier if you were actually talking.

If you don't want to split up, the pair of you must figure out changes together. It shouldn't be a one way street. Can you go out for a meal together or something? Might help to be out of the house, where you can air your wishes for your future, not focus on the here and now.

Meant to add, all the best