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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to get a divorce because my husband has taken up soming weed

28 replies

sississy · 26/02/2012 22:19

He is 31 years old and right now is like a zombie in the sitting room, it is so depressing. There are lots of other issues in the relationship, but I don't want to accept illegal drugs in the house and he is not willing to stop, he has told me, so sometimes I think about just turning an blind eye for the sake of my daughter (nearly 5) to have the family together, but in the other hand I don't want her to be brought up around this. Anyway, even if I get divorce and he has her for the weekend he might smoke with her in his place and I won't be there so I don't really know what is worse and what to do.
I just wish he would die. Seriously. I know it sounds awful and says a lot about how bad I probably am, but I don't want even have to deal wit him as an ex so death seems like the right solution.
Out of my chest now, this has been in my mind for a long time. 1st time talking about it. I must be dreadful but is the truth.

OP posts:
GeekLove · 26/02/2012 22:22

Didn't want to read and run but you have answered your own question. Yes it will be painful but it's the difference between ripping of a plaster or having gangrene.

toptramp · 26/02/2012 22:22

OP; I don't blame you. I don't care what people say; weed is NOT a soft drug. I would divorce then tell a contact agency about his drug taking habits and how you don't want your dd around that stuff.

toptramp · 26/02/2012 22:23

I'm not sure what the right agency would be...ss or something?

GeekLove · 26/02/2012 22:28

Also I had a friend who's parents stayed together 'for the sake of the child'. She was asking them to divorce from 8 onwards.

Good luck OP, it is time to get some practi al things sorted like benefit entitlement, housing and income. If you have concerns about Dds safety contact SS.

oreocrumbs · 26/02/2012 22:32

If he is using drugs, I'm sure you could ask for supervised contact when he sees your DD if you split.

Bringing drugs of any form into the home is not on, and neither is not respecting your wishes on the subject - oh and it is illegal.

I don't see why you think you are being dreadful in this, I don't know what the bigger issues in the relationship are, but on this point alone he is being very unreasonable, and if he is not prepared to seek/accept help then you really should split.

Original poster
sississy · 26/02/2012 22:45

Thanks
I think I am being dreadful wishing him to die.
Daughter has asked for us to split few months ago when things got really bad, she must had heard the rows.
Obviously daughter told me I neede to move out...of course I am the boring one eat your vegs, wash your hair whereas with dad she can have lots of sweets/chocolates and wash TV whenever she wants...

OP posts:
MeltedChocolate · 26/02/2012 22:47

This would end things for me. Too many relationships with stoners in the past. Awful.

Original poster
sississy · 26/02/2012 22:54

He has a really stresseful job and works long hours and shifts wich makes very difficult for him to have a hobby or even friends. In fact he does not have any friends. No one at all.
I feel bad telling him to stop doing something that gives him pleasure even though I don't understand what pleasure is in being stoned...I need a husband, not a teenage son.
And to make things worse I hate having sex with him and refuse all the time.
Well at least he stopped going to the pub and getting ridiculously drunk, coming back home and causing argument.
I know he probably doing it to cope with no sex life and he is probably a very sad unhappy person..

OP posts:
oreocrumbs · 26/02/2012 22:55

Well children say these things, but you are also her mum, her friend, her comfort.

Have you spoken to your H about leaving the house? Do you think he would go?

Original poster
sississy · 26/02/2012 23:04

Well always when we talked about splitting he was either drunk or high and it is never a conversation but a fight...I also suggested counselling many times but he never have days off during the week and works 8 am - 10 pm most of the time. The days he finishes early like 4 or 5 pm is so random that we can never plan anything.
Anyway I am not sure if he would go or if I would have to, and I have to have a look into benefits too..

OP posts:
oreocrumbs · 26/02/2012 23:12

Well first step have a look into benefits and what the housing situation will be.

Then decide how to discuss it with your H.

But don't feel dreadful, your H has problems and adding drugs into the mix will not make them better. You have to focus on you and you DD and what is bet for both of you.

Are you still under a HV with your DD? - I don't know what age they stop being a contact. You could mention the drugs to them so that it is noted officially should it be needed, and also should you/H be caught with drugs in the house etc then if they are aware you have already sought help about it, you wouldn't get into trouble for allowing drug use in your home.

They may also help you with advice about benefits, and how you and DD move on.

LilacWaltz · 26/02/2012 23:13

You are a childminder aren't you? With that stuff in the house/a partner who is smoking it?

Original poster
sississy · 26/02/2012 23:27

What is HV?

OP posts:
LilacWaltz · 26/02/2012 23:31

Health Visitor

Original poster
sississy · 27/02/2012 00:10

We have never. Had a Healthy Visitor as far as I remember. Or maybe on her 1st week of life but I'm not sure if it was a midwife.

OP posts:
Yogii · 27/02/2012 06:16

I don't know if the stuff's legal but you say it's not. If that's the case then why not find a way of involving the police. If there's a record of him possessing and using in the presence of a child then that's got to help in subsequent tussles for access I would have thought.

LilacWaltz · 27/02/2012 07:49

What if your mindee's parents can smell it? It's got a very distinctive smell, and it lingers

What would happen with childminding registration then?

Finallyfinally · 27/02/2012 07:54

Yes, you can get a divorce, and a quick one, based on unreasonable behaviour. List that behaviour as having acquired a serious cannabis habit and half your work re. supervised contact will be done.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/02/2012 08:01

sississy

You mention his drunkenness more than one; it could well be that he has swapped the abuse of one substance for now another. You are not responsible for him. Turning a blind eye will do you and your DD no favours either; it will just make things even worse in the short term let alone the long run.

It is okay to leave him; this is no life for you and your child to be witness to and your child has already heard and noticed more than enough already. She has already asked you to split; truly listen to what she is saying here.

Seek legal advice and start the process of separation.

LilacWaltz · 27/02/2012 08:05

How did a 4 year old ask you to split up?

squeakytoy · 27/02/2012 08:13

I think it is often beneficial to look at an OPs previous threads .... Confused

tantrumsandballoons · 27/02/2012 08:15

How do you feel ok having your daughter in that environment?
Also as a childminder, if one of the parents smell it in your house, surely they will report you to the relevant authorities and you will no longer be able to be a registered childminder? I don't really know how it works but I would have thought that would have an impact for your daughter as well

If your 4 year old is telling you to separate then things must be very bad for her to articulate this.

Gigondas · 27/02/2012 08:17

Squeaky ???

tantrumsandballoons · 27/02/2012 08:18

Sqeakytoy, did as you suggested, thanks for that.

WandaDoff · 27/02/2012 08:24

Cheers Squeaky, must remember to do that more often.

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