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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't know what to do

37 replies

Confuseddd · 26/02/2012 21:32

Please help me. I want to have a good marriage but it is terrible.

We have two dcs aged 3 & 1, and I don't want to break up the family.

Me and DH of 6 years have always had a tumultuous relationship - a lot of misunderstandings. I Can't even write this it's been such a bad one this weekend.

I arranged a babysitter and we went to a party - v rare that we go out together. Had a lovely time - lots of laughs. On leaving, DH took a turning into a housing estate and I said no, I want to stay on the main road as felt safer. He carried on his way, and I walked towards home on main road. Had hoped he would join me.

He caught up with me after 10 mins and was justifying his choice of route. I restated I wanted to stick to main road. He Kept on at me about it, until I lost my temper and slapped him. He then got very angry and I ran but he caught up to me and punched me in the head and knocked me down.

We had both been drinking - 3 or 4 beers.

I feel really low today - can't talk to him or anyone. I don't want my sons to grow up thinking married people are constantly at odds as we seem to be.

I talked to a man at the party - non- threatening, much younger than me but just a nice conversation. Could this have a bearing on what happened later? At the moment DH and I only really talk about domestic stuff and kids.

Thank you if you've got this far. Do you think I have to end it with him?

OP posts:
toptramp · 26/02/2012 21:35

You both sound like you despise each other. And you are right; your son should not have to witness this ; he is getting bad messages. the violence from both of you is Shock although I do understand whey you were angry with him. Get out asap I would.

TooEasilyTempted · 26/02/2012 21:37

You both need anger management and marriage counselling if you want to stay together.

neuroticmumof3 · 26/02/2012 21:38

Why did you hit him? Are you often violent towards each other? Does this happen in front of DS? I think this sounds like a very dysfunctional relationship. Surely you'd be better off out of it?

kodachrome · 26/02/2012 21:42

3 or 4 beers really?

Since there is violence, you need to be apart.

butterflyexperience · 26/02/2012 21:42

Wow -
My Dh bugs and annoys the crap out if me - but never have I slapped him.
And I am hot headed...
You both need help or a divorce ...

Original poster
Confuseddd · 26/02/2012 21:46

I hit him because I had explained my point of view but he kept questioning me. I feel like he cannot respect my point of view.

My brother and I used to have physical fights and I wonder if it is 'normal' for me. This is shameful to admit. This is only relationship I've had that has become violent.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/02/2012 21:46

The only sensible answer here is that you part, and stay apart for the sake of your children

and then you both seek help, separately, for your difficulties with communication and your tendency to resort to violence instead of talking

no more to be said here

squeakytoy · 26/02/2012 21:49

There is no one person at fault here.. you are both at fault.

If you are hitting each other, you need to be away from each other.

MeltedChocolate · 26/02/2012 21:50

You slapped him?? YABVVVU

You need to separate but don't make it out to be his fault, you are both so in the wrong.

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/02/2012 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Confuseddd · 26/02/2012 21:59

Thanks for the feedback. I know it's wrong and both of us are at fault. Is it possible to set proper boundaries and restore respect in a situation like this?

I have thought about leaving but it is massively daunting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confuseddd · 26/02/2012 22:01

I want to love him again.

OP posts:
kodachrome · 26/02/2012 22:03

You can't stay with someone who punches you to the ground.

newbiedoobiedoo · 26/02/2012 22:07

Nor can he stay with someone who slaps him because they argued about which way to walk home! I don't understand why you think you speaking to a man earlier in the night is relevant OP. I think you know you're marriage cannot continue like this.

AnyFucker · 26/02/2012 22:09

I want to love him again

what a ridiculously naive statement

agree to part, seek help separately

you are teaching your children some very damaging lessons

this isn't a "family" it is a battleground, the best favour you can do your children is take them away from such a toxic atmosphere

Original poster
Confuseddd · 26/02/2012 22:23

I put it in newbie to avoid the 'dripfeeding' thing that some mnetters think is so awful.

Alright AF, why naive exactly?

OP posts:
newbiedoobiedoo · 26/02/2012 22:25

Yes but didn't you think it may have had something to do with it? Apologies if I picked it up wrong but I assumed that's what you mean.

AnyFucker · 26/02/2012 22:38

I want to love him again

don't you love him already ?

what difference will "love" make when you hit each other instead of talking ?

"love" is a ridiculous romantic term that means nothing in a relationship like yours

unless you think "loving" someone means you make massiv excuses and rationalisations for abusing them

but that isn't "love"

Original poster
Confuseddd · 26/02/2012 22:49

It was a second thought to mention it newbie. I suppose it was just that I had a nice normal animated conversation at the party and it feels a rarity.

AF, course it's not loving behaviour - it is screwed up behaviour. And I don't want to make excuses and gloss over stuff.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/02/2012 22:52

I can see that, OP, by the fact that you have posted that is a good first step

but what do you plan to do about it ?

your dc are being damaged by seeing such poor examples of behaviour by their parents

Original poster
Confuseddd · 26/02/2012 23:00

I have to trust him and be more patient over communication. I have sort of given up on him - can't be nice to be on receiving end.

OP posts:
newbiedoobiedoo · 26/02/2012 23:02

Ah I see. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

TheOutlawLauraPalmer · 26/02/2012 23:05

You've both had ridiculously violent reactions over - what? a walking path home? - I sincerely doubt that it's only been 3 or 4 beers.

AF is asking a good question (as usual) - what are you going to do to change your circumstances? I can't imagine you want to be party to a DV situation...

If you've "given up on him" then take the action that says you have - MOVE ON.

TheOutlawLauraPalmer · 26/02/2012 23:07

(I really want to type "leave the fucker" but I know that would be MN pressure...)

Bogeyface · 26/02/2012 23:09

You both sound horrible and I worry for your children living with people like that.

Do them and him and you a favour and call it quits.