Don't know what to do

[Confuseddd]

Please help me. I want to have a good marriage but it is terrible.

We have two dcs aged 3 & 1, and I don't want to break up the family.

Me and DH of 6 years have always had a tumultuous relationship - a lot of misunderstandings. I Can't even write this it's been such a bad one this weekend.

I arranged a babysitter and we went to a party - v rare that we go out together. Had a lovely time - lots of laughs. On leaving, DH took a turning into a housing estate and I said no, I want to stay on the main road as felt safer. He carried on his way, and I walked towards home on main road. Had hoped he would join me.

He caught up with me after 10 mins and was justifying his choice of route. I restated I wanted to stick to main road. He Kept on at me about it, until I lost my temper and slapped him. He then got very angry and I ran but he caught up to me and punched me in the head and knocked me down.

We had both been drinking - 3 or 4 beers.

I feel really low today - can't talk to him or anyone. I don't want my sons to grow up thinking married people are constantly at odds as we seem to be.

I talked to a man at the party - non- threatening, much younger than me but just a nice conversation. Could this have a bearing on what happened later? At the moment DH and I only really talk about domestic stuff and kids.

Thank you if you've got this far. Do you think I have to end it with him?

[kodachrome]

Look, an uncommunicative angry relationship has now escalated into drunken violence. You need to be apart, work out your issues separately and then see if there's anything to put back together.

I'd advise just amicable co-parenting, personally.

[TheOutlawLauraPalmer]

I just want to add - I lend my advice from the perspective of someone who is currently separated from her DP. And you know what? Our relationship is ten thousand times better than it was at the point of separation.

Separation doesn't always mean death for your relationship (ours is actually working better than we could have expected!) but it does mean positive time apart to identify and shift the negative ways by which you're dealing/treating each other.

There are kids involved - put them first.

Give yourself some positive space away from your partner.

[AnyFucker]

good advice, TOLP

[HedleyLamarr]

So your response to criticism is to lash out. A friend (also male) always said 'if you resort to violence you've lost the argument'. You need to find a way to calm down, and so does your OH.

BTW, my response to criticism is to laugh and usually agree. I am often wrong, which is something that confounds me. Honest. I'm always right ffs

[Confuseddd]

I have just been and said to him that violence and disrespect has got to stop. He agrees. Thank you outlaw at 'leave the fucker' - you are right - not fair to stay if mentally I've already moved on. I always Felt that thoughts are private and therefore doesn't matter if I'm not saying anything but privately leaving him out of my plans. Except it does.

Thank you for helping me out x

[sternface]

This sounds like a power game that on this occasion, you started by flirting with another man and knowing it was pissing off your husband. Instead of confronting you about that, he turned it into a power struggle about the best route home. You felt peculiarly validated by his jealousy and didn't want him to 'win' this one so you charged on your own path. He was furious that you didn't submit to his will and started badgering you about this issue, but again not the real bone of contention. And then it all went horribly and violently wrong after that.

This relationship sounds toxic and full of games and power struggles. Your children would be better away from it, just as your parents should have outlawed the violence that was normalised between you and your brother. You are repeating the same influences on your own children.

[Confuseddd]

Yes bogeyface, horrible is true.

Separation might be the best thing. Don't know.

[TheOutlawLauraPalmer]

You DO know, you just aren't willing to look at what that means.

Sorry.

[Confuseddd]

No sternface, that's not it. There was no flirting, and he's never been jealous.

Hedley - I have thought the very same as your friend says and thought if I can master my temper that is a better argument to win than some petty squabble with my DH.

[sternface]

Well you asked us whether we thought the chat with the other man could have anything to do with this, so it must have crossed your mind. You might not have intended to flirt and in your own mind seem to be satisfied that you weren't. What you seem to be lacking is your husband's take on this though and if you've given up on him and he knows it, I can understand how a conversation like that might make him feel more vulnerable than at times when he felt secure in the relationship. I can't imagine that you're that naive that it didn't cross your mind that this could have that sort of impact.

Nothing either of you did justifies violence though.

[Confuseddd]

Outlaw, I suppose that is true. There are ways we could do - get a lodger - one of us move out. We already split the week Childcare-wise. It is a relief just considering that actually.

[Confuseddd]

Sternface, DH did not say anything which makes it hard to know. I could have asked I suppose. I did hit it off with the other person but in no way flirting. It pains me to say I probably had a better rapport with him after 5 mins than 6 years with DH.