moving away with son from ex husband who threatens me with PSO

[scaredmummy78]

Hi, please can someone help me out.
I am now divorced and have met the love of my life and we want to live together 250 miles up the road, but the ex husband is saying i cant take our 5 year old son and that he is going to go for residency and a PSO to stop us moving.
My new partner and i have been together 6 months and we want to start our new life away from where i currently live as the ex will never leave us alone, plus where we want to live the renting of a property is half what it is here, I will be able to give my son a better life away from here.
I have seen a solictor and she has advised to go for a Specific Issue Order, and that it takes upto 20 weeks and upto 7.5k.
I work fulltime to provide for my son and I am not able to get Legal Aid, but i cant afford a solictor.
I am dyselxic and under pressure words come out wrong and i get confused easily and i wont be able to protray myself in the best light.
Please can someone give me some advice asto if there are any charities or other organisations who could help me and any advice is grately recieved.
Thanks.

Hello there,
I'm afraid I can offer no advice on the legal stuff, but I was wondering on the relationship between your ex and your son. I take it that he has regular access to visiting to him at the moment?
250 miles is a distance - not really up the road. In normal circumstances one parent would object to the other moving such a distance with their child.
I obviously don't know the details. Apologies if I am way off, because of other issues.

I wouldnt be rushing into moving that far away after only 6 months. Perhaps you could live together for a year where you are now to see how it goes first?

You are risking alot for a man you have only known 6 months.

6 months is far to soon to be considering such a move and I'm not surprised that your ex is objecting.
Why the rush?

I think your ex has every right to be concerned. You are moving your son away on the basis of a 6 month relationship..Forget soulmate stuff, relationships need at least 2 years before you can know if they will work out.

If you were not a mum you could do this but you have a responsibility to your son. Consider if this was the other way around, how would you feel? Would you move and arrange to see your son at the weekends? the law provides for the child's right to see both parents so if it went to court they would make an order that your son sees his dad, if the dad asked for residency then that would be considered as it's your son's right to have 2 parents and courts will uphold the child's right to see his dad.

If you did insist on moving it's likely that you would have to make arrangements to travel back every other weekend so that your son can see his dad. Would you be prepared to do this?

You can't force this move on your ex as it's unfair on your son, if you must move with your new boyfriend and you want to avoid court then you will have to negotiate with your son's father..you can't force it through as he has equal rights to you.

is there any good reason why your son should not live with his father and just visit with you every other weekend?

you need strong reasons why you should be the one taking him away from his father if ther eis cuently regular and good contact. a six month relationship does no look like a good reason...

6 months and you are going to move 250 miles away, giving up your job and effectively ending your son's relationship with his dad!?!?! Are you serious?!?!

I moved 100 miles away with my kids when they were little and it has really changed their relationship with their mum, even though they see her every other weekend. It's not easy and if I had could turn back the clock I'm not sure i would repeat it. Even though we're all happy now.

Think about how you would feel if your ex won residency, about how you would feel about hardly seeing your son. That's what you are effectively asking of him.

You & him divorced. He did not divorce your son. Why can your new partner not move to you? Surely if you are the love of his life, he'd do it for you? If you lived together then rent surely wouldn't be as big an issue since there'd be two of you paying the same rent?

I certainly wouldn't change my life so drastically before you've lived together. Stepparenting is brutal and thankless. Many people cannot make that leap. You'd be an absolute idiot to do this before you've any real idea if your new partner can adapt to being around your son 24x7.

What's the rush? There's no fire!

Jus a warning - if I thought for a moment my ex was intenting to take my child 250 miles away, I'd snatch him and run.

6 months is far to soon to be considering such a move and I'm not surprised that your ex is objecting.

agree with this

put your son's needs before your own at this early stage

What NiceGuy2 said.

Thank you for the comments.

My ex husband is a bully and has been threatening myself and my new partner and if we stay locally we will never be able to relax. My son is already picking up on the tension and stresses he is causing.

My partner has a good solid stable job and the price of renting somewhere is 1/2 what it is locally and here would be a constant struggle, even with us both paying the rent. Where we want to live is beautiful, the schools have better ratings than the sch my son goes to currently. we wil be able to give my son a better lifestyle, better schooling and I will be able to provide better for him, plus i will be nearer my family. My partner has said he would move down here although he doesnt like the area, but because of my ex threatening us, we both feel a clean start is best.

I have set up MSN and skype accounts so my son can speak to his farther daily, i have said that once a month ex can come up and see our son, or meet half way and i will be coming back down south to see friends and i will always bring our son, so ex would actually see more of our son than he currently does. Since ex moved into his new partners home he hardly saw our son as he was to busy with his new family.

The rush is i feel threatened and very unhappy here because of the ex and he keeps say nasty things to our son.

His farther is a bully and works a fair distance, so he wouldnt be able to take our son to sch picks up etc and his new partner isnt around all of the time and has to get people in to look after her children, so this is not a stable upbringing for my son. my ex has said on numerous occasions that he knows our son is better off with me. If i honestly thought our son would be better off with his farther then i would say for our son to live with him.

I can see your reasons for wanting to move but it seems to me that you are confusing 2 issues.

You want to move away because your ex is abusive and you feel that you can give your son a better life closer to your family, and also be financially better off. Thats fine and laudable.

But you seem to be tying that in with living with a partner you barely know. I know you say he is the love of your life but after six months you thought that about your ex too!

If you have decided to move then do it, but do it ALONE. Make a life with your son in the new area, continue to see your boyfriend (sorry but I dont consider him your life partner after 6 months!) and see how it goes. Then, if the worst happens and it doesnt work out with your new BF then you have a home and a life. You wont have to start again with your son having to go through yet more upheaval. It would be very cruel to knowing risk putting your son through that.

It seems to me that your ex's issue is jealousy that you have a new BF, thats not unusual "I dont want you but I dont want anyone else having you either" has happened to me. If you made it clear to him that you are moving to be closer to your family and that you wont be living with your BF then he might not be quite so difficult about it.

I think your solicitor is ripping you off! A Specific Issue Order form can be had for around £100. It's only if you have a very complex case that it gets expensive.

Check out these sites first.

legal-zone.co.uk/prohibited_steps_and_specific_issues_orders
www.bsdivorcesolicitors.co.uk/specis_prostep.php

and get in touch with citizens advice bureau and social work BEFORE seeking a skulduggerer, sorry, solicitor.

what kind of threats?
have you been to the police about them?

You would need proof of a 'better life' for the judge. Not just your own take on it.

I think your reasons so far are very flimsy

You are going to make a fool of your self if you stand before a judge and profess love for a man you have known only six months, and long distance only even, as a reason to move a child away from his dad.

Are you nuts?

I suspect the £7.5k quote is for representing OP for the entire case rather than just filling in the form.

From my experience it's probably in the right ball park. My court case was quick but still cost me £5k.

OP, you say your ex is a bully and threatening you but what's his version of events? I mean if he threatened to take your child and move 250 miles away would you be all sweetness & pie with him?

My point is while you see his behaviour as bullying, he may argue it is assertive behaviour to ensure you don't deprive him of his son.

As for setting up MSN/Skype accounts. Oh please. Again how would you feel? "I'm taking our son to the other side of the country but you can Skype him!"

If you & your new BF are as solid as you reckon then there's no reason you cannot wait another year or two.

I assume given the distance you only see each other at weekends? In which case it's more like an extended date than living together.

My last partner & I lived together for nearly four years and she still never managed to fully accept my kids. I certainly wouldn't up sticks and move for someone i've only known for 6 months.

Being a step father (which your new partner would be) is very, very difficult and it brings great stresses to a relationship. In 6 months you and your partner have not yet negotiated or endured the issues caused by finances,families,parenting and the daily grind of working and home life. I would say that if in such a short time you are both getting this serious then there are some warning signs.

A responsible and caring man would not ask a partner who has children to up sticks and move..it is a major red flag.
If you have issues with your present life then look to resolve them - if the ex is hassling you then insist on email contact, go to court for a court order so that contact is scheduled. Post here for help. You and your ex are joined because you have a son together, he can't just go away but you can minimise contact, lots of us do it - even though we are parents.

I really wish I could find the thread from a woman who posted a while back - hers was a cautionary tale, she moved in with the perfect partner but a short while after it all started to go wrong. The impact on children is very high..are you really prepared to risk your son's stability on a 6 month relationship.

I do feel strongly about this as my DH's ex did something similar - DSS is now 14 and we are dealing with the consequences and he is in counselling and is struggling with school. The mum's 'perfect' relationship has now broken up and DSS knows his mum didn't have his best interests at heart.

PS I suspect the legal costs are estimated as it would need a couple of court visits - it would be likely that CAFCASS would be asked to determine what was best for your son which would involve a report.

"i have said that once a month ex can come up and see our son"

Damn fucking decent of you

What if he wanted twice a month? Or half of school hols? Or twice monthly at HIS house??

You don't own your child....you do know that don't you op?

Wow six months in and you are going to up sticks and move 250 miles away and all but end your sons relationship with his dad, lovely

Sorry but uprooting a child off 5 250 miles away from his father is wrong.

Specifically when you have only known new partner six months.

If you had known him 2 years fair enough, but you haven't.

I know from bitter experience that your ex will calm down in time, takes around a year for them to get used to another man in their childs lives.

Thanks for the comments, some really hurtful!

I didnt come across right last time. Dad doesnt see son often and dumped him when he got his new partner, i have never said he cant see son, i have always said from day 1 he can see son in half terms, holidays etc. As i said once a month he can come up or we will meet halfway plus i will becoming back down here to see friends so will always bring son back so infact he would see more of his son than he does now.

I cant afford to live down here on my own so no matter what i would have to move to somewhere cheaper. Where we intend to move to i can afford rent on my own so our home will always be ours and we wont need to move, if relationship broke down.

Work have changed my email and work phone number becasue he was hasseling and threatening me at work. Friends are willing to come to court to confirm he used to hurt me.

If ex hadnt threatened myself and partner we would have of stayed in area but i dont feel safe and i worry for my son as he has already witnessed his dads nasty side and i never want him to see that again.

I can understand why you want to move but as I said before, move there for you and your son to have a better life not to live with your BF. Then, if it works out with him, great you can consider living together in another year or so. But if not then you and DS are still settled and happy.

I do think that you are relying on your boyfriend to rescue you, but you need to take the responsibility for that yourself. I don't want to be negative but after a six month long distance relationship, you can't be sure he won't turn out like your ex.

Please think about it.

If it comes to a court case, 'evidence' from your friends will count for nothing and if the case is for custody/shared care of your ds, it's enitrely possible that a Court will consider that it's in his best interests to divide his time between you and his df 50/50.

You're best advised to remain where you are for the next 6 months, by which time you will have known your dp for a year, and should use this period to report any threatening behaviour on the part of your exdp towards yourself and/or your current dp to the police as their log of events will be taken in account should there be any proceedings in the family courts.