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Original poster

Would love your opinion on my SIL please?

31 replies

Shazjack1 · 26/02/2012 15:17

My DH is livid with his sister but hasn't said anything to her yet. We all live in the North and she has decided to sell up and move 6 hours away to be near her daughter and grandchildren (which is totally understandable) but has also asked my FIL who is 86 to go with her without even mentioning it to DH! FIL is considering it and DH feels hurt and angry. He will hardly ever see his father if he moves and thinks his sister is being selfish for asking him to go, especially considering my FIL age. DH doesn't know whether to confront my SIL for fear of falling out with her if he speaks his mind. Would love to have an outside opinion please?

OP posts:

AbbyAbsinthe · 26/02/2012 15:21

Personally... I think your DH is being completely selfish. His sister wants to move to be near her family, and to be honest, it's completely up to your FIL if he wants to go too.

6 hours is a of course a long journey, but it's doable, if not very regularly. How often does your DH see his Dad now?

Notalone · 26/02/2012 15:23

I understand your DH feels upset at the thought of his father moving away but really she should not have to agree it with him first. FIL is probably able to make the decision for himself as to what is the right thing to do for him. Will FIL be moving in with her and her family? Perhaps at the age of 86 this is what he may want. I think if your DH confronts his sister over this he is being unreasonable and may cause a family feud. He should wait until he has calmed down and perhaps explain how sad he will be if FIL moves, but he would be in the wrong to say anymore than this.

feedthegoat · 26/02/2012 15:25

Honestly? I don't think it is up to your dh or sil to decide where fil lives, as long as he has the capacity to make his own decisions.

Who is the one who provides the most practical support at the moment? If it is her, then he may feel he'd feel more comfortable being where she is. But either way, you can't stop other people making their own decisions whether you like them or not. It is of course a different thing if you think fil is being pressured against his will.

feedthegoat · 26/02/2012 15:25

Honestly? I don't think it is up to your dh or sil to decide where fil lives, as long as he has the capacity to make his own decisions.

nizlopi · 26/02/2012 15:26

Surely its up to his father where he lives? Unless she's dragging him there against his will, your husband is going to need to sit down and shut up I'm afraid.

lisaro · 26/02/2012 15:27

I think your DH is over reacting. Surely it's up to his father to make that decision. He or his sister don't need your DH's permission.

Exits · 26/02/2012 15:29

Who looks after your FIL?

Ime it mainly falls to the daughter of the house to look after elderly/aging parents (my DB lives on another continent so does jack shit to help with our housebound father and can't even phone when he says he will ).

I can understand her wanting to move to be nearer her family, it really is up to your FIL to make his own decisions - presuming hes is compos.

jaffacake2 · 26/02/2012 15:31

Does your SIL do more for FIL practically than dh ? We had a similar upset in our family with elderly parents moving closer to me than to my brother.But that was because bar from taking them out for the odd expensive meal he doesn't do the practical jobs,ie prescriptions,support on hospital visits etc. And we both work full time so no excuse there.
Could that be the case in your faamily?

ChitChatFlyingby · 26/02/2012 15:32

Its understandable that your DH is feeling hurt and angry, but he needs to stop and think a bit before he reacts. Who does the caring currently for your FIL? Who helps with chores, who does clothes and food shopping - and who is the one most likely to do it in the future. If it's mainly you and your DH then he should say something - but gently - if it's your SIL then really your DH can feel as sad as he likes, but it would be completely unfair of him to say anything stemming from that.

However, one thing that does need to be brought up is the surrounding community. My parents could never move from their area because they are part of a very tight knit community and moving away would do them more harm than good. If your FIL is part of a community then it will be very difficult for him to establish a new one at his age without moving into a home where there is a ready made one.

Bossybritches22 · 26/02/2012 15:32

I ageee with Exits the care of an elderly father often falls on the daughter, so she is offering him the chance to be nearer which makes sense entirely.

You & your DH should be grateful he isn't moving in with you!

AnyFucker · 26/02/2012 15:38

I think your SIL is doing a good thing

Perhaps she should have mentioned it first "am thinking of asking dad to move to be near to me, what do you think?" kinda thing

but it's up to FIL essentially

and not really anything to be "livid" about

izzyizin · 26/02/2012 15:38

How often does your dh see his df? Do you and dh provide regular support and care for him, or are you willing/able to do so on a daily basis or have him live with you should it prove necessary?

The climate 'down south' is more temperate than that of the frozen north and a move could put a few years on the back end of your fil's life.

Original poster

Shazjack1 · 26/02/2012 15:38

At present, both my DH and my SIL run him to appts etc but he is pretty self sufficient with shopping and washing at the min. I think he should let FIL let his own mind up but DH says he feels like hes being abandoned as he lost his mum to cancer last year. Maybe that's why FIL is considering it, fresh start and all that.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/02/2012 15:39

< ahem > it was 17 degrees in the frozen north on Thursday

in February

just sayin'...

AnyFucker · 26/02/2012 15:41

DH needs to grow up a little bit, tbh

I hope he isn't communicating this "anger" to his dad, effectively applying emotional blackmail

that would be very shit indeed

NarkedPuffin · 26/02/2012 15:46

How far do your DH and his SIL live from your FIL? How much time does she spend with him?

Was he still married to your DH's mother when she died?

feedthegoat · 26/02/2012 15:49

It does sound as though your dh is making this about him when in reality it is about his dad.

I know you say he needs very little practical help but does she perhaps visit more often than dh? Perhaps fil is thinking about who is more likely to provide the most support.

feedthegoat · 26/02/2012 15:49

It does sound as though your dh is making this about him when in reality it is about his dad.

I know you say he needs very little practical help but does she perhaps visit more often than dh? Perhaps fil is thinking about who is more likely to provide the most support.

Original poster

Shazjack1 · 26/02/2012 15:51

We both live within 10 minutes from him and we see him 2 or 3 times a week. He comes to us for dinner etc but SIL works full time so only sees him for 20 mins when she pops in after work twice a week. Gonna retire when she moves away though so would have more time with him. Yes he was married to MIL when she died. Been together 60 years.

OP posts:

TooEasilyTempted · 26/02/2012 15:54

If he decides not to move you'll be on here in a few years complaining that you're having to bear the brunt of caring for him and SIL doesn't do enough, I guarantee it.

There are times when people just can't win no matter what they do. And for your SIL, this sounds like one of those times.

NarkedPuffin · 26/02/2012 15:55

If he was still married to your MIL when she died, your FIL's loneliness must be crushing. When you've been with someone for so long it must be like losing a part of yourself.

People need more emotional contact than an occasional lift. He needs to be around people. If she's retiring she can give him the time he needs. If she moves away and leaves him, that mean you are his sole support.

NarkedPuffin · 26/02/2012 15:58

I'm assuming she's offering your FIL a place in her new home/granny flat type arrangement. It's really between your SIL and your FIL.

Unless your DH is planning on asking your FIL to move in with him instead it's really not something he should be getting involved in.

izzyizin · 26/02/2012 16:04

Here in the temperate south, I haven't had any heating on since Monday... just sayin'...

Original poster

Shazjack1 · 26/02/2012 16:06

No, she is moving into a flat and told FIL about some old people's bungalows around the corner from them so at 86 he would have to sell up and leave all his memories of MIL behind in the house they shared for many years.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/02/2012 16:16

actually, izzy, I am sat here in my bikini

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