Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he stubborn or delusional ?

27 replies

K0404 · 26/02/2012 12:16

Is the anyone out there dealing with a stubborn or delusional oh ? I have completely fallen out of love with him due to his disgusting behaviour. It's not a one time incident it's been going on for nearly a year and it's been horrible. I'd like to think there was something I could to to get feelings back but he's just horrid ! We seperated for a short while but I had to come back to the flat as I was unable to stay where I was anymore. I've told him I feel nothing for him at all, he doesn't even make me angry anymore I just feel nothing. He seems to take it in then goes on to act/behave like ive just told him i love him not that i dont have feelings for him! He touches me cudfles me and asks for sex eventhough I've made it quite clear I don't love him and one of us needs to move. We have a ds and I really don't want to uproot him again but I'm afraid I might have to co oh days he'll move into other room then move out but nothing ever materialises and in the mean time keeps trying to behave like we're a normal happy
physical couple. I literally remind him every day how I feel cos he behaves like I've not said anything, and when I do remind him he goes crazy about how I'm not even willing to try and make it work! TBelive me ive tried but to much has hsppened and ive finally realised thanks to some ladies on here that why on earth do i want to learn to love someone thats done what he's done to me? I must be crazy! This argument happens everyday cos he insists on ignoring whay i say (consciously or subconsciously) it's driving me insane!

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 26/02/2012 16:32

I think you're asking yourself the wrong question. Never mind why he does what he does, as it's clear he isn't going to stop the only issue is that you can't live with it. The question to ask is how to get yourself out of sharing a home with a person you can't stand. Look into the practicalities of living separately, and then if you want to spend the rest of your life wondering about his motivations at least you can do it in peace.

kodachrome · 26/02/2012 16:40

Instead of keeping on saying all this to him, you need to show him you mean business by either (if you're married) starting a divorce or putting the wheels in motion for leaving/getting him out.

Don't know which are applicable to you, cos it depends whether you own/rent/are married and whether you're on agreements regarding the home singly or as a couple and so on, but things like: getting an occupation order/removing him from the tenancy/bagging up his stuff and putting it on the doorstep/finding somewhere else to live yourself.

LadyMedea · 26/02/2012 16:47

annie's right... the only thing you can change is yourself. Stop arguing and start working out a plan to move on with your life. Get down to the CAB and ask about benefits and financials. It doesn't matter whether he accepts it, your actions are going to need to be the same.

Original poster
K0404 · 26/02/2012 20:37

Hey thanks for replies. I did move out but had to go back because I was living with my friend and her oh but she got taken into hospital after becoming very I'll so I couldn't stay anymore. I came back. The landlord won't (don't know if he can refuse ) take me off off the lease/accept my notice until the oh has had 3 clear payments of the rent. The council say they can't do anything if I'm tied into a lease unless I seek woman's aid:refuge(I've also been told by people on here that my situation warrants this to) after having to come back I got sucked into believing he'd learnt his lesson and had changed but 2 days in when I didn't give him what he wanted (sex) he goes straight back to the bully I fled before Sad blaming me for not trying to work things out for our son. I thought the fact that it had fallen apart again I thought he might realise this really isn't working and go instead of me uprooting our son again but hes simply refusing to ! You're all right there's no point in hoping he'll see sense and go. If he hasn't gone by now then why would he go now?! It's been nearly a year with the lies and bullying and he still thinks we can 'work it out' ! Its going to kill me to take my son away from everything he knows again but I can't see what else is going to happen. I'm so sad and angry

OP posts:
kodachrome · 26/02/2012 20:47

Shelter has an online tool to help people work out their options for housing in the event of relationship break-downs. Don't know if it would tell you anything you don't already know? You might be able to get an occupation order against him?

Original poster
K0404 · 26/02/2012 20:53

Yes thats an option too as well as women's aid and refuge. What an occupation order?

OP posts:
kodachrome · 26/02/2012 21:02

An occupation order can prevent him from living there. They usually last 6 months and then you can sometimes get it extended if necessary. Have a look at the Shelter website - here's the page on occupation orders - it's also got how to apply for one and all sorts of factsheets.

Original poster
K0404 · 26/02/2012 21:33

Ill have a look. Thanks. Do you know On what grounds can you get an occupational order

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 26/02/2012 21:56

On the grounds of abuse, generally. If he is bullying you and pestering for sex then that should be good enough.

mrswrite · 26/02/2012 22:35

Hi, if you are on a periodic tenancy only one of you needs to end it and other cannot stop you, as long as you are out of the fixed term. You landlord is wrong. I second having a look at shelters website or give the helpline a ring.Your ex can ask the landlord to keep on as single tenant if he so chooses.

Original poster
K0404 · 27/02/2012 23:43

Well he went to far this morning and he's been arrested for rape(angry]Sad I don't ever have to have anything more to do with him. I'm devastated that he has done this to me

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 27/02/2012 23:46
Shock

Are you ok?

blackoutthesun · 27/02/2012 23:49

are you ok op, have you got anyone there with you?

izzyizin · 27/02/2012 23:51

O honey, have a big, big,

Are you okay (silly question, of course you're not but you may be feeling a sense of relief that at last something has been done about him)? Do you have any injuries? Have you made a statement? Has he been bailed? Are you in contact with your police authority's domestic violence unit?

Apologies for the questions but I'm concerned that you may not get the support you need and deserve to get occupation and non-molestation orders to keep this man out of your home and your life.

Original poster
K0404 · 27/02/2012 23:53

I'm very upset and shaky but I've been spent all day being examined for evidence and do has my house. He's in custody so waiting to here from them as to what he's account of events are. Me and my son are sleeping at a friends tonight. Got lots of help and support thank you

OP posts:
izzyizin · 28/02/2012 00:26

It's a relief to know that you're spending the night with friends.

Do please take advantage of all the help you can get and talk to the police about supplying you with a panic button.

Please do come back with an update or should you need any support from your fellow mumsnetters - and be especially kind to yourself over the next few weeks as shock can time to manifest physically.

I'll be thinking of you and hoping that you and your ds stay safe and well.

solidgoldbrass · 28/02/2012 10:19

So sorry this has happened to you but it may help to look on the one positive aspect of it, which is now that he has been arrested for attacking you it should be quick and easy to get an occupation order to keep him out of the house and indeed keep him from contacting you in any way. Talk to WOmen's Aid, and the police DV unit, they will help, they know what to do. This man cannot do what he likes and get away with it.

Original poster
K0404 · 28/02/2012 22:39

Hi ladies, thank you for your support and advice you lot are a god send. I'm being put in a woman's refuge tomorrow with my son. At the refuge they will help me with benefits housing safeguarding me and help with everything basically. They think he'll be let out on bail tomorrow instead of being kept in cos he doesn't have any previous convictions like this. Sad

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 28/02/2012 22:41

I think you will still be able to get an order to keep him away from you even if he's bailed. In fact I have a feeling that it may be one of his bail conditions that he stays away from you and if he tries to approach you he will go straight back to prison.

izzyizin · 28/02/2012 23:56

Sounds as if they've kept him in police cells and it could be that he'll be appearing in the Magistrates Court in the morning where he'll be released on bail.

I know that you'll get all the help you need from the refuge support staff but please do come back here from time to time, honey - I've been thinking of you and I am extremely relieved to know that "something will be done" about him and that you're going to get the support you need to put this incident behind you and move forward into a brighter future with your ds.

Original poster
K0404 · 01/03/2012 00:56

Update. They kept him in! No bail! He's in prison until court in about 2 weeks! We've settled into refuge ok. Just want to sleep x x x

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 01/03/2012 01:04

Sleep well. And get those orders in place ASAP. Whatever happens in court, you can still have him legally compelled to stay away from you and not try to contact you, and if he breaches the court orders regarding no contact he will go back to prison.

Original poster
K0404 · 01/03/2012 21:59

It's going to crown in early may ! Does that mean they think there's a good chance the evidence is stacked against him? I find the court system very confusing

OP posts:
Abitwobblynow · 02/03/2012 07:15

KO I have come to the sad conclusion that the stubborn/delisional is because they don't see us as people, just objects.

Well DONE for calling him on his behaviour. Well done. He now has to deal with the consequences. You didn't cause this. He did. Society and other men (police, prosecution, Crown) will tell him his behaviour is not acceptable.

Abitwobblynow · 02/03/2012 07:17

Sorry, society will NOW tell him.... ie you have been trying for a year, on your own. Now others will!