Just interested in other views on this

[meandmypickle]

I have posted alot recently - my latest post is below

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1408364-feeling-so-low-and-lonely

I'm just after a few more objective view on the latest.
His beaviour when angry has been an issue & lack if taking responsibility for his behaviour. Trust has been a big issue as h has told several lies during our time togeher, some totally pointless and trivial, others more significant.
He applied for a promotion at work a few months ago, but said he'd hear nothing back. the started looking at jobs outside his company which was strnage in the current climate, and alos mentioned his bonus wouldn't much. He also told h]me a month or so a go how he was managing a discipinary case for someone who wasn't interracting appropriately with people and was very rude.Last month, as part of my own individual counselling, I wrote him a letter to explain how his bevaiour when angry intimidated me and also how important it was to me that he tell the truth, whethr about small or big things , however difficult it might be. He committed to this.
Then a few weeks ago, i found a letter which stated he'd had a written warning at work a couple of months ago, mainly for his poor way of interacting with people - no empathy, using inflammatory language and inappropriately challenging people.

This obviously explains why he wasn't considered for promotion, why he was looking for other jobs, etc. The promotion would have been an ideal step up for him and the increase salary would have been significant.He been totally lying about all the reasons and even more bizarre telling me about the woman whose case he was managing. it's all the worse, in a way as the warning was about behaviour (which i've been subjected to for years) rather than just an inability to do the job
Last week i told him i'd found out - all he said was that it had been difficult to deal with. No apology, nothing
What would you think/feel/do

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1408364-feeling-so-low-and-lonely
Don't think first link worked, sorry!

Anyone there? :)

All of the advice you've been given isn't going to change.

The only change in this situation is going to have to come from you because no-one else can do it for you.

Continuing to sit on the fence is getting you precisely nowhere. Your choice is simple: stay or go - but make your mind up and stick to it sooner rather than later because this unsatisfactory state of affairs isn't any good for your dc.

I was just interested in anyone's opinion whi maybe hadn't seen the most recent discovery. Thanks Izzy, anyway, i know you're right

Well he sounds dreadful and it's pretty impossible to change ones core personality and lack of empathy.
It's up to you isn't it?

thanks Heyyyho. Yes, I'm pretty sure i've decided - just wanted to hear some objective views

You seem to be losing sight of the fact that only 'objective', or subjective for that matter, view that matters here is your own.

Posting and reposting the same shit in different ways might possibly garner the odd different viewpoint, but it can't alter the fact that only you have the power to bring about any change in your lifestyle.

Instead of clutching at straw polls, you're best advised to nail your own flag to the mast and sail under your own colours.

Oh pickle, I have a poor memory and every time I read a thread of yours, then click on a link and realise it's you (surgery,etc) I get a sinking feeling. Yes it's you, poor, poor pickle, still going through it all.

Objective opinion? Stick with him and you and dc will end up very damaged

"Yes, I'm pretty sure i've decided" Pretty much?

Where do you see yourself in 5 years time? How about imagining 2 scenarios - if you stay or if you go?

((small hug))

Of course, if you take affirmative action now and file for divorce, you'll have your nisi by the summer and will be well settled into your new life by this coming Christmas.

You do know that if marital relations have ceased and you are no longer sharing a bedroom, there's no bar to you filing for divorce while you continue to share the same roof?

Thanks for your replies.
I just want to be absolutely certain i'm not overreacting to the lastest thing about the warning and the lies

No matter how many ways you try to get a different response, it will always be the same

your husband is a complete dick and you will be better off without him

how else do you want us to say it ?

Thanks AF :) I don't mind how it's said!!
I'm not sure than i've ever been and the latest revelations about work pretty much prove it's him with the problem, not me.
I just have to be sure, for mine and little ds's sake

it is him with the problem, lovey, and it sounds like a pretty untenable, intolerable and intractable one

particularly since he is a liar and manipulator to boot, and takes no responsibility for his own actions

the way he "mentioned" his own problem (the work thing) as if it was he managing someone else through it is quite telling, and something I might expect from a 6yo, not a grown man

Thanks AF. It's interesting you saying that h telling me about the person whose disciplinary he was managing, might have been his way of telling me about himself. It had crossed my mind too and someone in RL suggested the same. FFS he is so screwed up.
My 5 yr old ds has more emotional maturity and already understands the importance of telling the truth!

remember that old cliche ?

"when someone tells who they are...listen" ?

he is giving you lots of messages here, not all of them clear but all of them are not good for you

why would you stick around to have to constantly interpret them ? (as you seem to be doing)

In a kind of twisted way you're luckier than some people who are living with abusive, difficult or dishonest men. You don't have the problem that he's lovely to the outside world so no-one will believe you. Women in that position even doubt themselves, whether they're causing or even imagining the bad behaviour. You have the dubious good fortune of external proof that it really is him, not you. Take this gift and run with it... towards the hills, quickly!

very true, annie

Thanks AF and Annie.
i have doubted myself so many times and i know i'm far from perfect! some people would be surprised i think. he probably comes accross as quiet, not much to say for himself and is good with children.

You've been 'sure' before and the numerous deadlines you've set for yourself as well as for him have come and gone with alarming regularity.

Are you looking for someone to tell you that it's all in your mind so that you can continue to do nothing except moan about him at leisure?

If so, you're unlikely to hear that here and it's probable that your friends will not take your complaints seriously if you fail to act on the sensible advice you''ve been given in rl and on this board.

Izzy, i'm finding it all very difficult and don't really appreciate the tone of your last post. No i'm not lokking for what you've suggested, just sensible and constructive comments like many have offerred

izzy is right, pickle, as as it is to say

that doesn't mean you can't continue to ask for advice and support, but I think what we are trying to say is you are likely to get the same responses no matter how many times and ways you ask for it

he's a bad'un

You'll get there in the end. I think what you need is to believe deep down that you have the right not to put up with shit. You don't have to be perfect yourself for that, you know. Just a human being who doesn't like being lied to and intimidated. "You're no angel yourself" is a really lousy reason to be with somebody you don't want to be with.

Im afraid he really isnt going to ever change. Do yourself the favour of getting out and away from this man who has no respect for you or anyone else he interacts with.

If I behaved like that to my wife I would be long gone and if my wife was like that to me that would also be a deal breaker.

He's an abusive arse. Get shot of him. Stop prevaricating. It's not going to get any better.

Thanks everyone, really appreciate your replies.
good to hear a male point of view too - thanks Lord :)