Absolutely and utterly terrified of being naked.

[Flanelle]

I didn't think I was, but I am. I'm dating someone I really like and find very attractive but considering not seeing him any more because I just don't think I can take it to the next level. Been separated 18 months or so and left myself a good long time before I even looked for a date, and I think I'm ready for a relationship in all ways but one.

I suddenly see that in this one area - the area of body confidence - that I have not only low confidence but no confidence at all.

It's almost 20 years since I slept with anyone other than my not very nice stbxh. I was lovely then, but my body is destroyed by children, weight gain and loss, and time, and my confidence in it is shattered.

How do you go from feeling like Quasimodo's less attractive sister to having the uninhibited, fulfilling sex life you always dreamed could be possible?

is the new man giving you lots of compliments? if not, you aer right to wait longer (or date someone else). If he does, just take it slow, with lights off to start with. Be honest with him that you need to time to fee uninhibited. It's normal to an extent for anyone who had just one partner for a long time. Bear in mind that other women he slept with were probably also your age and not toned spring chickens so he s not going to be shocked! I'm sure he likes your shape as seen whe nyou ar dressed, so that's a start.

*need time to feel (arrgh)

Hey, I have been married for three years with two kids and still feel the same. All very unhealthy I know but that is the way some of us are. I still have to get changed in another room so my husband doesnt see my fat legs and backside! It will grow back slowly. I am making an effort to lose weight now after 2nd child 4 months ago and although I havent lost much I am starting to feel a bit better about myself. It all takes time and someone who can help you gain your confidence back along the way - so I hope this guy will encourage you.

Do you want to have sex with this man - or is he attractive but doesn't really fire your cylinders, but you think it's the next step?

Don't stop seeing him! What are you specifically self conscious about? I have a saggy tummy and men still call me stunning.

Allboxed, btw it's doesn't just apply to women who put on weight, slim women can be equally self conscious, especially about certain body parts. It's all purely psychologocal.
I think OP it really helps if someone is in love with you. That gives you a push to love yourself if you don't at the moment (bodywise).

Some men don't understand and insist on staring at you first time = can be very traumatic even when praised, after obstaining for a long time! he does need to be sensitive and take it on your terms, be it in darkeness. then progress gradually. hopefully once you FEEL good about sex and enjoy it, you'll relax.

Kodachrome, I DO. He likes me too, and compliments me and makes my knees go to jelly. But ...

I've a good figure dressed - I do look nice. And I am pretty enough. Just that naked, I look like my granny :-S

Ok I am 40. I am seeing a very good looking 27 year old how did this happen?. I was absolutely terrified of taking it to the next level due to the age difference. I have 2 dc, c section scars etc.

Guess what? he came back again and again and he tells me I am beautiful and perfect and I know he means it.

I am telling you this because men who like you WILL think you are perfect, they really, really will and if they don't then they are not good enough for you. Fact.

Flanelle, love, I feel your pain.
Until recently I hadn't slept with anyone since my ex husband since 1988
My body is wrecked. There are are a lot of people with here on with body insecurity who say they have issues, and I don't want to do them down, but when I say wrecked, I mean WRECKED.
I have had four children and two c sections. Breast fed all of em. I am covered in strech marks and have loads of loose skin.
The first time I slept with a man after my ex I got plastered. And you know what? Despite being several years younger than me he didn't care about my flaws at all.
Second bloke I was dating said "Oh, have you had a an operation?" with regards to C scar and didn't say anything about the fact I could fling my boobs over my shoulders and I have a tummy you could use as a bouncy castle at a childs party.
They both turned out to be wankers but this is not the point of this reply.
Men are a lot more forgiving than the media would have us beleive. And sweetie, this is what women look like, really. In real life. Not porn or cosmo.
If you don't feel you can talk to him about this (I couldn't) then candles, wine, loads of body mostuirser first so you smell good and feel slinky (for yourself)
Dont do it before you want to. This is about what YOU want.
Much love
Liz

Great then.

He won't be judging you with a critical eye - he likes you and finds you attractive. He'll just be glad to be getting some .

You could always start off wearing a basque or something like that, and have a robe handy for if you get up to go to the loo.

yy to what Lizzie says. Media would have us believe that perky breasts, toned stomach, flawless skin etc is what a normal woman's body should (and does) look like. The truth is that for a vast majority of women their body changes after having children. Most will have saggy breasts, stretchmarks and/or loose skin on tummy. It really is normal. And assuming that your man is a mature guy who had sex in the last 10 years, he will be aware what the reality is.

I have all three of the aforementioned flaws and I can tell you that DP (and ex before him) does not mind AT ALL. I most certainly haven't noticed our sex life or his interest in me changing after my last DC's birth.

In the unlikey case your guy is a type that can only get a hard on when faced with a 20yo with a body of a pin-up girl...well, then you will know that he's a waste of your time.

The trouble is that to find out you have to take that risk.

He doesn't have kids. He's my age, but his long-term partner died several years ago and they were childless. I have no idea if he's ever slept with someone who had kids. He might be really SHOCKED.

Well, then he'll have to deal with it. Talk to him about it beforehand if you want.
But it isn't be something that would prevent a normal guy getting excited. If he can't deal with a bit of tummy and stretchmarks, then frankly, he's a bit dysfunctional and not someone you would want to be with anyway.

Also, what's important is to separate fantasy from reality: of course people of both sexes usually fantasize about fit sex partners (as in when masturbating etc) But that's not to say that if you meet a guy and are attracted to him, like him etc you will run away screaming in horror if he has less than pefect body. Same for men, I promise.

"Men are a lot more forgiving than the media would have us beleive"

Thank you for saying that. That is one of the most reassuring statements on this issue that I have read.

I have huge issues in this department too. I am 47 and very overweight. My body is wrecked and if / when I lose weight it's going to look worse.

Oh and DP just said that unless he's been in hiding or is an idiot, he will know what a woman with kids' body looks like.

He also said that he doesn't miss all the perky breasts etc (and he has a lot of experience, shall we say)- it just doesn't matter. And let's just say that I know he means it

i can imagine how youre feeling , ive been with my dh for 17 yrs and dont think we will be together for much longer tbh !! (another story) but i too would be anxious to say the least about a new man seeing me naked it is daunting !! however he probably is feeling a bit anxious too , unless he is brad pitt haha !! , i would prob go down the route of wearing nice basque or lingerie to give a bit of extra confidence as well as look alluring ! good luck x

O boy. I could have written your post. I have been thinking about this all evening. My story is that up to the age of 37 I had a reasonable body. Not perfect and I had many hang ups. At that time I was married and we split. Then I had a mastectomy and I was breast fee for 4 years. I was with the one person that time and he didn't seem to min.Ironically it wasn't my missing boob that caused my insecurities but my saggy tummy, arse around knees and bingo wings. Then last year I had a reconstruction and overnight I felt amazing even though its a mound instead of a breast and I have a huge scar across my stomach. My previous relationship had finished and I was now seeing someone else. He didn't mind my body at all and our sex life was great. Now that relationship has finished but nothing to do with my body. I look great in clothes, as previous posters have said. Out of clothes I feel like I look pretty grim, especially as I have had so much surgery. I am wondering how on earth to approach this subject with men, particularly as I don't want to get into a serious relationship either. The mind boggles. However to other posters I will say that no one has been put off by my body so far. I have been the one to end the relationships because they weren't right for me.

Think about men you feel attracted to: do you really think that if you really really liked them you would feel put off by physical imperfections? Or would you enjoy the intimacy of getting to know them, with all their individuality?

I know I wouldn't, LeBOF :-) There's the stuff I know ... the sensible stuff ... and then there's the stuff I feel ... and some of it is a bit mental, clearly, but that doesn't stop it being powerful.

Seeing the amazing man today. Trusting the universe. Living riskily.

Thanks all for some really tremendous posts - lost in admiration for the brave spirits here - you are wonderful women.

Flanelle trust me it won't matter.

I've had three kids, my stomach is a fucking disaster - cellulite, stretch marks, tits down to wherever, my fanny looks like i've had a grenade shoved up it,due to rubbish childbirth tear repair, it doesn't matter a jot. you will be absolutely fine - now go and take one for the team! :)

This thread is making me smile and nod my head in shared sympathy

Even I feel like this, these days. I have psoriasis on my legs and feet which I don't want to display so I suppose I could take the stockings-and-suspenders option were I to pull bloke I have crush on but that's not going to happen anyone, but somehow I am more inclined just to stay away from the whole business.
It is, however, true that men, at least nice ones, are a lot less fussed about 'imperfections' than the mass media would suggest. Don't forget that a lot of the stuff in the media about 'pampering' and 'perfecting' and 'correcting' the 'faults' is basically All About The Money. Companies want you to Buy Stuff to make yourself more desirable, so they have to make you feel insecure or you won't bother.

Nods in agreement with akaemmfrost I am very nearly 40, scrub up well dressed but have had 3 breast fed kids and a CS and my upper legs are cellulite city. I am seeing a guy who is 29. He treats me like a goddess. I am under no illusions that he is my happy ever after but OMG am I enjoying his company. He is so 'not' bothered about what I see as my imperfections. Don't buy into the whole media crap that women are 'perfect'. Any man who is worth your time won't even register the bits that bother you.

I sooo needed to read this thread! I too have body issues from 3 pregnancies, I have thread veins on much of both of my legs and I get swollen ankles in the evenings. The thought of a man seeing me and screaming is enough to keep me away from dating altogether. In my mind, my legs are like something from a horror film...and of course women in the media always have airbrushed skin and never any imperfections.

Are men smart enough to know that "normal" women don't resemble the fantasy?

It's reassuring to know that other women feel the same, and that blokes maybe aren't as shallow as we are lead to believe.