DH 'Doesn't want to be married anymore'

[PlumFairie]

Any advice would be really appreciated please...I'll try to keep it short..

Was married many years with children to a very controlling man who cut off all my friends and made my family believe he was amazing because he provided very well financially - didn't begrudge us anything. He deceived and lied to me over mnay things and finally I found the courage to leave.

I met another man and we married and also have a child who is now three. After 5 years of marriage he has been getting more and more depressed and has finally admitted that he just doesn't want to be married, doesn't want to answer to anyone. He's definitely not having an affair, although he owns his own business my son works closely with him and he's always home when he should be. My son has the highest opinion of him and he's generous and kind to the children who aren't his, they really love him.

Whats so devastating is we have been mostly very happy, he's always telling me how much he loves me how I'm his soulmate etc. He texts me all the time (I don't demand this, it's freewill) he asks if I miss him, if I love him...he tells me he loves me. When I was out at the dentist with one of the children last week he asked me not to each lunch so he could come and have lunch with me cos he had some 'lovely bread' etc. He just goes through these shockingly low times every few months or so, on and off for which he takes anti depressants and when I pushed for an answer a couple of days ago he dropped this on me.

I asked if he wanted to divorce and he said definitely not because he didn't want me to work and our son to go to a minder but he didn't say anything about me, that he didn't want to be away from me or anything like that, just that he didn't want the childrens lives to be messed up or financially hard.

What I can't understand is how he swings like this from being really needy with me to being soo depressed about being married. He does get extremely jealous about my previous relationships (which aren't many) even the one I was so mistreated in.

He's also definitely not gay btw, I'm certain of this for many reasons.

I'm so confused by this and soo lonely, I have no-one who I can talk to about this because anyone I could potentially chat to knows him too well.

My heart is churning horribly as I type and all I want to do is cry but my two daughters are sitting here ages 9 and 13 and keep looking over sympathetically because they know somethings wrong.

I don't know what to do or think, does anyone have any thoughts please?

I'm really sorry you are going through this and feeling so dreadful.

I'm ever so sorry to say this but your dh sounds abusive - as abusive as your first husband. The jealousy, mood swings, manipulative statements (withdrawing/telling you he loves you then he doesn't) must be untenable to live with. Red flags galore.

What he's proposing is very confusing for you - he doesn't want to be married to you but he doesn't want to divorce?

Is there really no-one you can confide in and talk to in real life?

I said shit like that when I was depressed. I wasn't thinking clearly. Luckily DH was very supportive but he told me that if I said one more time that I wanted a divorce he would go out and talk to a solicitor. He said it was fine for me to feel bad and to perhaps have doubts about our relationship as it was part of the illness but I was not to dump those things on him any more. He was right, and I stopped, and over time things improved. I regret the way I treated him bitterly but I'm impressed at how he stood up for himself. Your husband sounds very mixed up, but that's no excuse for how he's treating you. I think you need to tell him what my DH told me - that he might be feeling down but threatening to leave isn't acceptable and if he does say that then you're going to assume he means it a do something about it.

I hope this gets better soon, it sounds very hard.

I have to be short as I am on my phone.

My DP says stuff like that when he 'crashes' as I call it. Deeply upsetting and tree first few times I thought he meant it. I think he meant he felt so worthless he didn't deserve to be in a relationship and everyone would be better if he left. Very hard to convince him otherwise when he was so low.

Your DH 's up and downs are concerning, are they like a cycle? Could he be convinced to go to the GP? The doc does need to know it all though, to get the meds right, no point going on and off anti d 's and they need to be the right ones.

You need some real life support if you can, but I understand you not wanting to tell people. No one knows in my life!

I disagree that its abusive.

Keep talking to him, reassure him.

Thank you both sooo much for those very kind replies, it actually helps a lot just knowing that other people sympathise...sometimes you think you're going mad.

Proud, I know what you mean about abusive, it sometimes feels like this but I do really think he's genuinely unsure - I just can't see how he can be so for me one month and so depressed with it the next. I don't have anyone I can talk to about it no, I don't have any friends that he doesn't know and even then they're not that close, he's the same like that, he doesn't have loads of friends, I lost most of mine first time round when my first husband persuaded everyone I was to blame and he played the injured party so well my own parents and sisters sided with him and won't talk to me for dragging the children through divorce from such a wonderful man. Then when I met DH2 we didn't seem to need other company, we get along sooooo well when his moods are 'up' and agree on absolutely everything so with that, helping him with his business and having the children to look after friends didn't really become a neccessity. I don't know...

Cailin he is very depressed and it gets worse when he stops with the tablets but I still can't work out if it's depression or if I'm the problem. I probably give the impression by my posts of being clingy and a bit pathetic but I'm really not, I'm just a fairly normal person.

He hasn't been married before me and to be honest I think that although he does love/like/whatever it is, me, he just doesn't want to be married and to have the inevitable leash that that brings. I don't mean he wants to have other people, he's not remotely flirty or anything and hasn't had loads of girlfriends either as he was building up his business but you know, just maybe he doesn't like the strings of marriage.

Which is odd because sometimes he loves it

But thanks once again, it helps to know that people can see it's a horrible situation - I don't know why it does, I've bottled all this up for so long.

Lookbutdonttouch, he has been getting antidepressants from the doctor and they're been upped a couple of times too. The ups and downs are a cycle yes, a few months of happiness and then a horrible crash.

I wonder if the crashes come because he's bottling it up inside himself, as he says he is, and so eventually it spills out like this. But then why would he be so nice and keen to have me around during the happy spell - thats the bit that doesn't fit here. I have loads of texts (lol, I keep them so I can try to work out a pattern ) where he's asking me to meet him, to wait for him, to come with him wherever he's going etc. Asking if I love him, telling him he loves me - you'd think that someone doing their 'duty' wouldn't be so full on in the times when they were coping with it.

It's so weird.

You might find some clues in his family background. What was his relationship with this parents like? Wouldn't be surprised if there were some issues there, ie infidelity, emotional distance, depression.

MadameOvary, his family was odd in some ways although now they appear to be really friendly. His dad died when he was 12 and in front of him, he had to help his mum move the body, DH said he remembers being so shocked at how heavy he was and how his hand flopped onto the floor. Shortly after that he becomen unruly and his mum unable to cope with him and the 6 others (five older one younger) kicked him out. He's American (living perm here in the UK now) but as such there wasn't a lot of help and as he was polite he managed to stay from friend to friends house until one of his sisters took him in - he then spent the next 3 years moving around his sisters until his mum announced she was taking him out of school at 15 to care for the older sisters new baby. She promised home schooling but it didn't happen and he cared for the baby for 3 years until he finally refused to babysit free for his sisters friends kids - the sister took offence and found a paid mider for the boy who was really upset to be moved away from DH as he had become like a father to him but as a result of all this, although bright, he has no qualifications. He found out that later that all those years he was struggling to find food his kother was in receipt of insurance cheques from his late fathers policy, payable to HIM, of over $1500 a month. The mother had mostly used the money to feed her many horses and pets, she has maybe 30 cats and dogs, NO exaggeration.

He doesn't appear to bear her any ill will though as someone recentl advised that he should sue her for the money but he was appalled at the suggestion. She did recently come over from the US to see our baby too and was very sweet while she was here. Annoying lol, ate us out of house and home and didn't offer a penny towards her keep but I did find her to be quite nice.

He was very depressed in the time that he cared for the baby, as although he loved his nephew very much, was still stuck in constantly at a time when most teenagers would be out and about. He remembers his sister coming in from work and the all the boy wanted was to see her but she'd go to her room for a rest while the boy banged on the door crying, DH found that disturbing and was so cross with her. Then once he'd put his nephew to bed, she'd arise and go out clubbing.

Has he had any counselling? It sounds like he has a lot of issues to work through from his childhood and teens. His depression is the likely source of the 'not wanting to be married' thing he says, rather than not loving you from what you describe, imo.

He is probably very conflicted about being a family man, because he was forced into a caring role and then forced out of it again quite traumatically, so possible he's afraid and therefore threatening to jump because he fears being pushed. I don't know, cod psychology here, but it does seem like he has things he needs to deal with properly.

And not appearing angry about the way he was treated and the opportunities in life he was denied - I think he's got everything pushed deep into a box and it's seeping out in his depressive episodes.

He doesn't sound abusive to me OP; he sounds depressed.

This situation must be horrible for both of you and I really sympathise. Are you in the UK? - I would say that he needs a GP referral to your local mental health services as it sounds as though he is carrying around a LOT of emotional baggage from his childhood.

Would you be able to sit down with him and calmly talk this through? Explain that you think he needs some help, and that he can't keep taking it out on you like this, and that you want to help but he needs to help himself too?

All those interrupted attachments and rejections. No wonder the poor man can't settle and isn't at peace with himself. His father died in front of him and he had to help move the body? That will have been incredibly traumatic and his behaviour afterwards will have been his acting out of the grief and all it's associated symptoms.
It is to his credit that he was able to form a loving bond with the DN, and being separated from him will have done more damage.
Agree that he will be suppressing a lot of emotion. If he did decide to have counselling it wouldn't be easy for him (I imagine) but it could really turn things around for you.

Plum feeling for you when I read your post,if your DHs Dr alters his strength of medication maybe it hits the right spot for a while and when his body is used to this strength he then drops back again,I would certainly get him back to his GP asap and both of you have a chat with him.You sound so supportive of your DH and I don't think for one minute that he is looking for an end to your relationship,he just sounds so sad at the moment when you have medication sorted make time for yourselves every week and enjoy each others company even for a couple of hours it makes all the differance you know. best wishes

Goodness, it would be a miracle if after all that he wasn't depressed. His father dying would be enough to cause an adult issues but he has had traumas non stop.

I echo Madameovary above, counselling, counselling, counselling.

I think he is almost expecting you to leave him, to hurt him, so is trying to get in first. He is probably terrified of another rejection.

Show him you aren't going anywhere, no matter how hard he pushes. He needs you.

I know its hard and I really hope you can convince him to go to the doctor.

Hmm, well, up to a point. Look, this man is an adult. You do not exist merely to be his psychological punchbag/comfort blanket. YOU MATTER, TOO. So he can either seek help or fuck off. It does not make you a bad selfish person to refuse to put up with unending misery and headfuckery from a man just because he is mentally ill. A poster upthread said that her H accepted so much but no more when she was unwell: it's important to remember that MH issues are not a licence to abuse and that being the partner of someone with MH issues means you just have to suck it all up indefinitely.

Thank you ALL sooo much for your interest and help, I can't tell you how much it means to hear your opinions but your posts which I sneakily read on my phone kept me going. I couldn't reply earlier because he was home.

Kodachrome you make brilliant points, I will mention this to him.

Glammamanana, you mention sadness, that's exactly what he says, that he has an uncontrollable sense of sadness. He keeps taking these really, really deep sighs and every one of them stabs at me.

Lookbutdonttouch and Madameovary he did suggest counselling so maybe we'll do that, but I've heard so many stories of counsellors that come out with crap...I honestly don't mean that disrespectfully to ones who do a brilliant job, it's just that it's hard to know if you'll get a good one. My horribly bullied son had one that said to put all the bad feelings into a balloon and feel it float away. Even at 11 years old he could see how silly that was, all the problems firmly remained.

Solidgoldbrass, I was soo sad while typing all this and when I read your reply I guffawed, very loudly, that was just what I needed at that moment LOl. 'Headfuckery' exactly describes the feeling it gives you , I do feel like I'm going mad.

The latest, after I first posted, is that he came home and said he wanted to make it work for the kids and was really nice and friendly, AND attention seeking. The next morning he wanted to have sex (when he's down he doesn't take any interest at all) and said that I'd been looking really nice recently, he also wanted to keep kissing as well...I always feel that if you hate the person you wouldn't want the kissing so much but he was insistent. Then he asked if I wanted to cook, we like baking and he seemed really happy. We went to get the ingredients and he wanted me to go with him to get it all even though I pretended to be busy with washing etc so it would have been an easy getout for him but he insisted I went, just us two. Later after eating the things we made and being all positive during the eating, he played madly with foam swords with the 3 youngest. We bought a film as well and he was keen to watch it with me and the children, he really liked it and said he wanted to watch it again soon but almost as soon as it was over he was back on his pc making those massive sighs that are so heartstabbing. I sat on the sofa and read a book, we have pc's next to each other but I am really conscious of crowding him so I kept away and after a while he asked what I was reading and said, 'Why don't you come over here?'. But as the sighing was often and deep I said, in a friendly tone, that I'd keep reading my book (A piece of cake btw, riveting true story ).

Then in bed the sighing continued and he asked (as he does a lot) 'Whats on your mind' and eventually the leaving discussion came back, he said he hates coming home, I pointed out that he'd seemed happy this weekend, I mentioned the epic foam sword fight to which he said, 'With THEM yes' which I took to mean, in other words not with me. But whats so bizarre is that he actively seeks my company out. In fact thats the thing that makes it so hard to understand tbh, surely if he was dreading coming home to me, he'd be delighted to go shopping on his own or on the pc on his own etc. There's where Solidgoldbrass's 'headfuckery' comes in

Actually, I think he needs a good kick in the cock. There's something a bit deliberate about this behaviour: he's got you running round anxiously trying to Make Him Happy and the minute your attention is off him, he starts sighing again. And if that doesn't work, eg you don't immediately offer a cookie or a blowjob or an ego-stroke, he'll start threatening to leave again, and remind you subtly that your life should be All About Him and the worst thing that could possibly happen would be for him to Not Love YOu because you only exist to be loved by him.

Tell him to fuck off and get his head straight. You really don't need another big kid to pander after.
Man up or ship out. See how much he likes coming home to an empty hoise where he has to clean cook and do the laundry himself. Than he can sigh to his heart content.
What a wanker..

Does he have bipolar?

Do I understand you to say that your DH sometimes takes his antidepressants and sometimes doesn't? If so, I really don't think the antidepressants can ever be long-term effective. My H has bi-polar disorder. Our therapist and psychiatrist have told us that antidepressants take a while to build up in your system until you have enough of a level built up in your system for it to be effective. By the same token, antidepressants also have a "half-life". Meaning that if he stops taking them, he is going to be okay for a while leading him to believe he is okay without the meds. This is because there is still some of the medication in his system although in diminishing amounts. He will slowly start to feel depressed again and then crash. Then, the cycle starts all over again. The only way for antidepressants to be effective is for them to be taken at the exact same time of the day every day regardless of how he feels.

The deep sighs sound manipulative. Mine is manipulative that way. As long as all my attention is there for him, he is happy - well as happy as he can be. But once my attention moved to my daughter or my job or heaven forbid a friend, then he started with the picking, the you never have time for me, everyone else is always more important and the little threats to leave. Once I called him on it and said ok, lets divorce then. He backpedaled quickly and resorted to all kinds of other manipulations such as I can't live without you, I'll die within a year, etc...

Also, his actions that you describe when he appeared to have a good time and then said he hates coming home sound emotionally abusive to me. You cannot be the source of his unhappiness. If he is saying he is unhappy, he cannot and should not try to pin that unhappiness on you. He has every ability in the world to make himself happy and no one has that responsibility for him other than him. To think otherwise is codependancy.

Also, mental illness or no mental illness, depression or no depression.... A person with mental illness (such as bipolar disorder or depression) still has the ability to be respectful and nonabusive. Passive aggression, emotional abuse, disrespect, etc... are all SEPARATE issues from mental illness and should not ever be tolerated. The mental illness cannot be a crutch.

This comes from someone who IS codependent and has taken 12 years to learn all this - 4 years with a counselor who has been patiently trying to drill this into my mind and his. She succeeded with me, not him.

OP Solidgold is talking her usual high degree of sense here. After your last post I'd want to kick him in the cock too. This speaking as one whose over-empathising with my ex's "issues" kept me just where he wanted me. If he's not willing to take responsibility for his health and well-being , and acknowledge the consequent effects on you, he's a lost cause.

Ok originally I was thinking along the lines of "he has serious problems, needs help", now I am seriously with solidgoldbrass.

He is manipulating you and gosh he is good at it.

My DP had problems, they rear their head every now and then, when he hit the bottom we dealt with them and yes we went through with some awful times. However, WE dealt with them, there was acknowledgement of the problem and help was sought and at no point was there manipulation. If he was behaving like a twat then I said so. And as SmilesThrough says above, a person with an illness has the ability to be respectful and nonabusive.

You need to say so and see what his reaction is.

OP: I'd question whether he was bi polar too. Or if not, cyclathemic, which is a milder form. But I'm leaning towards SGB's take on this.

The next time he sighs and flops all over the place saying that he's unhappy with you, reply "Oh FFS shut up or put up" or "Go on, off you go then". My suggestions are partly tongue in cheek, but I wonder what sort of response you'd get?

I think you should definitely do as Lemony suggests.

You will see from his responses what is what, if you agree with him that divorcing would be good for all concerned.

He might get the fright of his life if you served him divorce papers, saying "I have had enough of you, stop the talk, just sign!"

I think it would be a good idea to at least try sitting him down and going, 'Look, Whinyarse, I am getting sick of this, I am thinking that I want to leave the relationship and I will do if you don't start making more of an effort.' Because you do have that option. It's not compulsory to put up with all this shit just because he is 'ill'. MH issues are not a free ticket to making other people's lives hell indefinitely.

You're all so brilliant and have really lifted my spirits, it would be good if we had a 'like' button the posts or a 'thank' button wouldn't it?

LOL I wrote the whole post below and went to submit but had to relogin, then I see the later replies you've posted and once again I'm actually laughing - you're all soo funny! We always get to the point of agreeing he'll leave and then he changes it - once he even had things in a black bag and a cab because I'd refused to let him have his car keys saying I'd have to sell his car to make ends meet haha. But anyway, here's what I'd written a few hours ago:

Believe me, I do want to kick him in the cock, strongly, lol.

I did wonder about bipolar, the type 2 where they only experience mild highs cos in the type 1 the highs are almost uncontrollable involving risky behaviour but the type 2 they have mild highs, which he does have. SmilesThrough, he does take his pills properly but doesn't bipolar require more treatment than just antideps? Because he's just been diagnosed as depressed not bipolar, although we've never mentioned bipolar to the doc. I take your point about disrespect, that's an excellent point which I hadn't thought of before at all. The problem is, he says he's stressed so I'm trying to keep the stress away from him, arguing kids etc. This sort of leads to meaning that I'm doing everything around the house, because I don't want to ask him in case it adds stress. I don't really know why he's so stressed, his job is not at all pressurised. He currently comes home and sits on the pc playing a Facebook game, which is beginning to really cost in terms of the game items he's buying, or World of Warcraft. He starts on them as soon as he gets back and it goes on until bedtime. He's not doing chatsites or anything dodgy because the pc is in view of everyone, there's 3 in the same room which is the back part of a through lounge. He just sits playing, only moving for dinner, or to make a tea or go to the loo and sighing so deeply you'd think he was struggling for breath lol.

I've always mostly thought his declared feelings genuine, but I'm listening to what you're all saying and something he said sort of agrees with your points of view...the other day he came back from work (after a day of ignoring me, ie no texts at all unless one or two words) and hugged me and then asked if I wanted to be with him, I said yes (I'm not sure at all tbh, but I'm quite worried about the financial side if I leave) and then he said, 'Because I feel you don't want to be with me'. What struck me as odd about that was I've been constantly told that the only thing keeping him here is the children, that he doesn't know if he loves me, that he doesn't want the hassle and stress of the family and then there he is, expecting me to sound really enthusiastic at the prospect of being with him. I honeslty wanted to reply, ohh yea, I love you so much and can't think of anything nicer than being with you but I felt it was a bit inflammatory.

If I had the money to leave, I'd do it immediately, but I don't. I have a mortgage of just under £500 a month, haven't worked for years and the youngest two are 3 and 9. I know it sounds totally pathetic, but I have no idea what I'd do. Don't get me wrong, I'm not lazy and I help him at work a lot, but I just don't know what I could possibly do that would cover all the bills.

He has just come back from the doctor and he'd asked for a different medication but she said it would mean a week without pills at all, so now she's upped his current meds to the max of 60mg a day.

He was my best friend as well as my husband - it's a horrible situation, I feel soo disconnected from my life atm because of all this.

Once again thank you and you're probably all bored by now, but if anyone has anything to add, I'll gratefully read it And I think I'll be a lot more positive now too, I'll certainly ignore his sighs and indifference as if I'm not affected. I am affected terribly, but I won't let him see it?