DH 'Doesn't want to be married anymore'

[PlumFairie]

Any advice would be really appreciated please...I'll try to keep it short..

Was married many years with children to a very controlling man who cut off all my friends and made my family believe he was amazing because he provided very well financially - didn't begrudge us anything. He deceived and lied to me over mnay things and finally I found the courage to leave.

I met another man and we married and also have a child who is now three. After 5 years of marriage he has been getting more and more depressed and has finally admitted that he just doesn't want to be married, doesn't want to answer to anyone. He's definitely not having an affair, although he owns his own business my son works closely with him and he's always home when he should be. My son has the highest opinion of him and he's generous and kind to the children who aren't his, they really love him.

Whats so devastating is we have been mostly very happy, he's always telling me how much he loves me how I'm his soulmate etc. He texts me all the time (I don't demand this, it's freewill) he asks if I miss him, if I love him...he tells me he loves me. When I was out at the dentist with one of the children last week he asked me not to each lunch so he could come and have lunch with me cos he had some 'lovely bread' etc. He just goes through these shockingly low times every few months or so, on and off for which he takes anti depressants and when I pushed for an answer a couple of days ago he dropped this on me.

I asked if he wanted to divorce and he said definitely not because he didn't want me to work and our son to go to a minder but he didn't say anything about me, that he didn't want to be away from me or anything like that, just that he didn't want the childrens lives to be messed up or financially hard.

What I can't understand is how he swings like this from being really needy with me to being soo depressed about being married. He does get extremely jealous about my previous relationships (which aren't many) even the one I was so mistreated in.

He's also definitely not gay btw, I'm certain of this for many reasons.

I'm so confused by this and soo lonely, I have no-one who I can talk to about this because anyone I could potentially chat to knows him too well.

My heart is churning horribly as I type and all I want to do is cry but my two daughters are sitting here ages 9 and 13 and keep looking over sympathetically because they know somethings wrong.

I don't know what to do or think, does anyone have any thoughts please?

"I am affected terribly, but I won't let him see it?"

Or just give him a clip round the ear

But I jest. I would not buy into the "stressed" scenario any longer to be honest. If you do, you will end up (if you haven't already) doing absolutely everything, leaving him with no responsibility. You will end up stressed and resentful and may well become ill. Not good. He needs to take a share in the care of your DCs and the house. You need to ensure that you get a fair share of rest.

While I realise that you don't/can't leave, I would urge you to make copies of all financial documents, bank statements, loans, mortgage, bills etc. and keep them in a safe place. Forewarned is forearmed. You may not do anything with this knowledge, but at least you have it. You could also look on the entitled to website, to see what benefits you could claim if you did leave. You could also arrange a free half-hour consultation with a solicitor.

Again, you don't have to take any action on the above, but just having that information will make you feel a bit better and not so trapped..... You do have options, should you need them.

Yes, bipolar disorder does need an additional medication to stabilize the mood and my H does take it. However, what I said about antidepressants does still hold true whether being taken by someone with bipolar or not. As a result of the situation with my H and not standing up to his disrespect and abuse (blaming it on his mental illness instead), my daughter and I both ended up highly anxious and depressed from doing the eggshell walk. We were both medicated for it and told the same thing. My daughter refused to take her meds half the time and the doctor said it would be best that she not take it because of the ups and downs of the med levels in her system from inconsistency. Since she is almost legal age, she moved out to get away from him (and me because I never put my foot down). She is doing much better. She will always have to deal with anxiety now since it developed when she was so young.

THe message this man is I think quite consciously trying to transmit to you is 'I am important. You cannot live without me. That means the worst thing that could possibly happen is for me to leave. So I will threaten to do so constantly just so that you devote all your time and energy to pleasing and placating me.'

When the truth is this inadequate whinyarse has no intention of leaving at all. He doesn't want to have to cook his own meals, wash his own skiddy pants or stroke his own ego. But he reckons that threatening to leave all the time is the best way to keep you dancing attendance on him.

Call his bluff and tell him to fuck off for a bit and that you need some space from the marriage. Best of luck.