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Original poster

Grandparents only want one dd to stay, leaving other dd at home with us

42 replies

jenkel · 27/01/2006 15:05

I have a bit of a tricky situation and would like opinions on how best to handle it.

I have 2 dds very close in age and I am an only child. My Mum has always been very close to dd1 and does tend to spoil her a lot, however, she has not been quite so close to DD2 and does not tend to spoil her as much. Quite often when we visit I have to remind her about DD2 who is normally standing next to her desperate for her attention. I dont think she means to do it, just dont think she thinks, and as I was an only child I dont think she realises that you have to make a real effort to spend equal amounts of time with each child. Anyway, DD1 is due to start school in Sept and she wants DD1 to spend a week with her in the holidays one her own. MY DH is adament (sp) that she ought to have both children together or not at all and I feel the same to some degree, however dont want to deprive my Mum or dd of any time together. My one concern is that they will both really miss each other as they do everything together, especially DD2 who will still be at home with us. So any other opinions before I really rock the boat.

OP posts:
Original poster
jenkel · 27/01/2006 15:06

Just wanted to add that my Mum is a 3 hour drive away from us so daytrips not really an option.

OP posts:
CarolinaMoon · 27/01/2006 15:08

Think your DH is right. She's dd2's grandma too and she needs to realise she can't pick and choose between them. Can you explain to her how feels to dd2?

Was your mum an only child herself?

kalex · 27/01/2006 15:08

No sorry, both go or neither go! End Off!

Sends the wrong messages esp for DD2

CarolinaMoon · 27/01/2006 15:08

how it feels

Mum2Ela · 27/01/2006 15:10

I'm with you. Both or nothing. My MIL sometimes does this, asks for one to stay and not the other. We kindly say we would rather have them both with us, unless she wants to have them both. My MIL thinks two children is soooooo much more difficult than one, when its not. Therefore she won't offer us childcare during the day, though she will have her singleton other granddaughter several days a week. I'll have to stop now, r i'll rant!

Stick to your guns - both or nothing.

x

Original poster
jenkel · 27/01/2006 15:12

No she was one of 9 children, but as she was from such a large family I think she appreciated time away from her siblings, from one extreme to the other really.

I do feel the same way as DH, just want to get other views before I tackle my Mum.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 27/01/2006 15:15

I agree w/your DH. It may not seem like such a big deal to you that your mum wants to spend more time w/DD1, but to BOTH your daughters, this is pretty major, regardless of whether your mum is doing this intentionally or not.

I see a lot of hurt feelings resulting on the part of your second daughter if this isn't nipped in the bud.

crumpet · 27/01/2006 15:17

Could you make it clear that if dd1 goes alone, you expect that your dd2 will also have a few days alone with her granddmother soon after?
It might also make her and your mum closer if they have time together without dd1

crunchie · 27/01/2006 15:35

I agree with Crumpet. I would say yes, BUT ONLY if she will also commit to a week of DD2

CarolinaMoon · 27/01/2006 15:41

that's interesting Jenkel - I suppose with 8 siblings you would have to be a bit pickier.

I've only got one atm and he's a toddler, but from my own POV, I don't think I would have fancied a whole week away from my parents and sister at that sort of age. It's an awfully long time when you're small.

CarolinaMoon · 27/01/2006 15:42

I meant that re: separate weeks away.

scotlou · 27/01/2006 15:46

I think that it is nice for kids to spend time on a one - one basis - but would only agree to your mum taking your dd1 if she also promised to give exactly the same time to dd2 at a (not much) later date.
I love both my kids but also enjoy spendig time with them singly - and know that they like this too. They get to feel really special.

wannaBe1974 · 27/01/2006 16:06

No I would definitely say all or nothing, and would insist they go together. I think that if you asked her to commit to having DD2 at a later date there's the possibility that it might not happen, and if your mum doesn't treat them both equally then it will lead to your DD2 feeling left out and that's not fair on her. I would explain to your mum that she has two grandchildren and that she can't have favourites.

crumpet · 27/01/2006 16:09

Or get dd2's visit in before dd1's? That way you know dd2 will not miss out, and there is plenty of time between now and September to arrange visits.

lemonstartree · 27/01/2006 16:09

My mother is the same. She favours DS1 over ds's 2&3. ds3 is too little to notice but ds2 (4) has started too notice, and cried when she took ds1 to the cinema. I have tried to tell her that blatent favouritism is not on, - she dosnt hear me , so we restrict the time ds1 is allowed to spend with her. Sad , but im not having the little ones feel in some way inferior ....

QE2 · 27/01/2006 16:09

Foil that one by suggesting dd2 will come to stay first and dd1 soon after.

crumpet · 27/01/2006 16:12

Or get dd2's visit in before dd1's? That way you know dd2 will not miss out, and there is plenty of time between now and September to arrange visits.

RTKangaMummy · 27/01/2006 16:16

I am in total agreement with crumpet

Have DD2 visit in first part of holiday and then DD1

If she ignores DD2 when you are there she will do it when you are not and so DD2 will be left out and you won't be there to remind her

If she has DD2 for a few days beforehand she may then realise how much fun she is to play with

Maybe make it a shorter visit for a 1st time ie wanting a return visit rather then too long and then something not being quite right

doormat · 27/01/2006 16:18

agree with crumpet and others
your dd2 to go first
if they both went together, dd2 will probably feel pushed out and have a miserable time

MeerkatsUnite · 27/01/2006 16:21

If DD1 goes away to her grandparents without her sister, this sends a message of rejection to the sister left behind.

Both sisters should be treated equally.

Either they both go together or not at all. Blatant favoritism on her part should not be encouraged. It will backfire on her one day and your DD's, particularly the younger one, will resent her for it. It will also cause resentment between the two sisters.

doormat · 27/01/2006 16:22

but if they bothe went together wont dd2 feel pushed out and end up being sad experience for her

RTKangaMummy · 27/01/2006 16:23

why you don't think that going together would be sad for DD2?

IMHO she would be sad to go and be ignored

what are the ages of them?

RTKangaMummy · 27/01/2006 16:24

DD2 needs to build a friendship and relationship with grandparents

without big sister

IMHO

doormat · 27/01/2006 16:25

I think it will be sad for her because if they both go together dd2 will be ignored

tortoiseshell · 27/01/2006 16:26

Tricky one - I can see that you don't want dd2 to feel rejected - how easy is it for you to talk to your mum? I certainly went away with my Gran on my own without my db, which was reasonable as he is younger than me - but you need to make sure it's because of the age, not because she favours dd1. On the whole, I think one on one time is good actually, so if you could establish that dd2 won't be forgotten in the future, you could make it a 'now you're a big girl starting school you're going to have a week at Granny's on your own'. Don't think I would feel so adamant that she had to have both tbh, but can totally see the problem with favouring one above the other.